Am I in the wrong? Or is he just impossible?

[Beec]

Yeah...I REALLY WANT TO BE PURSUED. I hate to adhere to those instruction manuals: the rules, he's not that into you. but, i did all the work in my ltr...i see now that you can't fulfill the other side's commitment to the relationship.

 

You won't like being chased by someone you don't pursue at all either. Both need to do some chasing.

[rmpavlock]

I definitely think he is making a HUGE deal out of this. Even if you misunderstood what was expected(which I don't think you did), you've already apologized and he STILL has not let it go. My ex used to do this to me constantly. He would give me the cold shoulder for days over some stupid miscommunication. It's an awful thing to do to a person, especially when he said he would call and he called at the last minute! He sounds extremely immature.

[blondebombshelter]

Yeah...I REALLY WANT TO BE PURSUED. I hate to adhere to those instruction manuals: the rules, he's not that into you. but, i did all the work in my ltr...i see now that you can't fulfill the other side's commitment to the relationship

 

Soooo true! And the amazing thing is, that applies when you're married as well. After my marriage broke up, I starting reading all these dating books (Mars and Venus on a Date, He's NOt that into you etc) and that's when I finally understood why all my efforts to save my marriage hadn't worked. (The books on marriage had left me baffled.) I'd been pursuing him, trying to do everything I possibly could to make us happy. And call me sexist, but it makes sense to me why it doesn't work for the woman to be the chaser. If you believe those books.

 

(Not that it works for the woman to not be the chaser either... which is why I started this thread!?!!!)

 

I'm curious as to what men think about it though, because I've been a bit surprised by things guys have posted on this forum.

[Batya33]

I've posted this before, but I know of no happy, healthy long term relationships where the woman did most of the initiating, contacting, pursuing, etc in the beginning. Why? Unclear, but while I have no problem asking men out and have done so it has never been effective as far as leading to anything long term (in my case it was clearly because the man was not that into me in the first place). I think it's fine for the woman to ask a man out first (although that has never been effective for me or anyone I know) but in the beginning stages especially I have seen it be way more effective for both the man and woman to let the man do most of the initiating, calling and planning. Later on when you are an established couple it is not as much an issue because it is "understood" that you will spend certain evenings/days/time together and as for the rest I guess it becomes more or less equal.

 

I have seen posts on this forum and others where the woman has done all the initiating in the beginning, insisted that that is what she liked/was comfortable with but then expected the man to step up to the plate after that and do the traditional "courting." Often, the man does not - either because he is not that into her or he is already accustomed to the woman in that case putting in most of the effort. A typical response from the woman is to be confused at the ambivalence on the man's part. In contrast, if the woman wants the traditional "man does most of the pursuing in the beginning" I think it is best if that is the set up from the beginning - switching gears doesn't seem to work very well from what I have seen.

[Beec]

And call me sexist, but it makes sense to me why it doesn't work for the woman to be the chaser. If you believe those books.

 

(Not that it works for the woman to not be the chaser either... which is why I started this thread!?!!!)

 

I'm curious as to what men think about it though, because I've been a bit surprised by things guys have posted on this forum.

 

What has surprised you?

 

It does not work if one person does all the chasing, regardless of sex. The chaser then lessens their own value to an extent that makes the not worth the chasee.

 

It needs to happen in cycles. Normally, the woman signals a man through body language that he can chase and his overtures are welcome. Then the man will make an initial and somewhat indirect approach. (If he rushes right over, it won't work. If he circles the room and then ends up next to her, it may.) Thereafter, the man needs to engage in some in and outs, chase and back off, chase and back off, chase and back off, until she chases a bit. From there on, it cycles from one chasing and one running away and then allowing the chaser to catch up. Some time is spent caught, when the original chaser should back off and away, and let the original chasee pursue, and then the sides are reversed. Unpredictable patterns are the best.

[bighair]

You won't like being chased by someone you don't pursue at all either. Both need to do some chasing.

 

Yeah...I see your point. I mean the man needs some clear signals that the woman is interested. I just feel like I have to stick to some of these neanderthal rules when you first start dating someone.

 

I don't know, I guess.

 

I thought men liked assertive women who made the first move. I thought it demonstrated confidence and self assuredness. I think the assertiveness works when the man is clear about the relationship and what he wants from the woman. i think the assertiveness backfires when the man is ambivalent and passive. that's when i end up feeling like i'm doing all the work.

[blondebombshelter]

I thought men liked assertive women who made the first move. I thought it demonstrated confidence and self assuredness. I think the assertiveness works when the man is clear about the relationship and what he wants from the woman. i think the assertiveness backfires when the man is ambivalent and passive. that's when i end up feeling like i'm doing all the work.

read mars and venus on a date. Look, I don't know if it's right, but it made sense to me.

[blondebombshelter]

What has surprised you?

Lots of things... how men are as vulnerable and uncertain as women. I didn't think men would be absorbed enough in their relationship to actually bother posting onto a forum about it!! Also how they sometimes (but not always) are fine about women that have one night stands. And how they do seem to be interested in women that have chased them. And interested in women who struck me as being annoying and who were treating them badly iMHO.

 

It does not work if one person does all the chasing, regardless of sex. The chaser then lessens their own value to an extent that makes the not worth the chasee.

 

It needs to happen in cycles. Normally, the woman signals a man through body language that he can chase and his overtures are welcome. Then the man will make an initial and somewhat indirect approach. (If he rushes right over, it won't work. If he circles the room and then ends up next to her, it may.) Thereafter, the man needs to engage in some in and outs, chase and back off, chase and back off, chase and back off, until she chases a bit. From there on, it cycles from one chasing and one running away and then allowing the chaser to catch up. Some time is spent caught, when the original chaser should back off and away, and let the original chasee pursue, and then the sides are reversed. Unpredictable patterns are the best.

wow... that makes sense too! More than some of the books I've read! And it's not nauseatingly sexist, either. DId you make that up?

[Beec]

Yes, that's pure Beec, straight from my brain. I have studied how men and women relate, by reading books, about others relationships like on here, through my own relationships and by watching others. Putting all that stuff together, by analyzing and thinking, I've come up with some of my own ideas.

 

Men are as fragile as women mentally, but we are just not encouraged to show it as much. Our minds have more in common than otherwise.

[Batya33]

I think men like assertiveness in women but not in the form of a woman doing most of the initiating, asking and planning in the early stages. Rather, from what I have seen they like a woman who is confident, carries herself well and is confident about giving input into what she likes and dislikes -whether that is about him, the plans he suggests or about anything else.

 

And, there is a fine line between assertiveness and neediness. So, if the woman is doing the asking because the man seems to be backing off that might be seen as needy not assertive.

 

I agree there is a dance of intimacy and at times I have certainly had two left feet!

[Beec]

I agree there is a dance of intimacy

 

Precisely, it is a dance. But, it's not having two left feet that is the problem, normally. Instead, it's the two people not listening to the same song or not trying to do the same dance. If you are trying to do the waltz and he wants to do the tango, something is not going to work right.

[annie24]

hold old are you both?

I'm 32, he's 38. Although I know it sounds like we're both 13.

 

well.... you have been going through a divorce so I see why things have been progressing slowly....

 

I agree with beec, both parties need to be chasing on another, not just one or the other.....

 

ie, some people like to chase just because they like the thrill of it. and then when they catch you, then what??? the chase is over, they move onto someone else.

 

i think for a woman, it is good to find someone who is mainly pursuing you, but doesn't flinch when you make some moves on him also.

[blender]

Dear Blondebombshelter, let this one go.... he seems very passive aggressive and what would a "lifetime" be like with this guy, I mean honestly at this point in your life stick to your standards, and remember you are not interested in a man who does not make the EFFORT to pursue YOU. If one little misunderstanding about a Wednesday night date and him phoning late, makes him grab his toys and leave the playground, YUK. You are worthy of so much more than this, who cares if he's handsome, or whatever is appealing about him.

 

I would lovingly suggest that you do not contact him again, and sit down and write a list of "realistic qualities" you actually admire and respect in yourself and then him, see how many really "match up"..

 

It's tough when it comes to matters of the heart to be realistic, is this the kind of behavior you would admire in a man who might be dating someone you respect?

 

Start with respecting yourself enough to stick to your guns, he didn't call till six pm the night of the supposed 'date" so that doesn't work for you, plain and simple...

 

Your instincts and reaction to this was right on target. Let him go, move on, stick with your standards, and know that this behavior on his part is ONLY A HINT of what a real long term relationship might be with this guy, like treading emotional water, and you don't need the headache, or having to read between the lines, guessing, defending your self respect.. it's his loss.

 

If it was just a simple misunderstanding and his feelings were hurt, well then okay, so If he's really honestly interested in anything REAL with you, he will make the effort to communicate and say just that and suggest you get together to talk through how you want to "work on this" and if he does NOT do this, after you've made several attempts at contact, well then love yourself enough to forget it...and him...

 

We're all here for you, Best, Blender