Am I in the wrong? Or is he just impossible?

[blondebombshelter]

I'm in one of those gridlock situations with this guy I occasionally date. I can't get serious right now and anyway we live 2 hours apart, but he phones regularly and I always see him when I'm in his city. We've had sex once, a couple of months ago. We've been in this situation for at least 12 months. He's thoroughly confusing me at the moment, so any thoughts on this would be appreciated...

 

Last time I was in his city, I called him Monday and said I was in town and Wednesday was good for me. I know Wednesdays are good for him. He seemed happy and said he'd call, but as I far as I was concerned it wasn't really a confirmed date.

 

Anyway I didn't hear from him, assumed he couldn't make it, or didn't want to, so I made other plans. He called on Wednesday at 6pm, annoyed that I hadn't called him to let him know what was going on! He got really annoyed. He seemed to think I had got a better offer and that's why I'd cancelled, but that wasn't the case.

 

Anyway, I called Thursday morning and left a message apologising. No response. Then I called back that evening, and left another message. He rang back an hour later and said he was still pissed off. I treated it like a joke, because I didn't think it was that big a deal. I was out when he rang, so I couldn't talk, but asked him to call back later. He didn't.

 

Then I rang him the next day (Friday) and left a message saying I hated that he was angry with me, and to call me. He didn't.

 

I haven't heard from him at all, and it's now Wednesday. So I called him this morning and left a message saying that I haven't heard from him... if he's just busy, that's fine, or if he's bored of this whole thing, then so be it... but i hate to think I've done something to upset him.

 

Still no response!

 

I'm obviously going to wash my hands of this whole thing now, if I don't hear back from him he's just a snot-face or has lost interest in me suddenly.

 

Am I just being pathetic and desperate by calling him so much? I should definitely stop calling, right?? Would me cancelling a date be enough to totally put him off?

[Cid]

it sounds like he likes you, but he is hurt becouse he thought that you where going to hang out with him and did not. Do you want to keep his friendship? If so then you need to tell him how you feel but give it a day or so before you call him. I hope that this helps.

[Goldfish6888]

 

He said he'd call, but as I far as I was concerned it wasn't really a confirmed date.

 

Anyway I didn't hear from him, assumed he couldn't make it, or didn't want to, so I made other plans.

 

The guy sounds extremely immature. He said He'd call and he DIDN'T! Fair play to you - you made other plans - you didn't hang around on the call. He then twisted the situation around entirely to dispel blame on him for NOT calling and making you look like the bad person, by being peed off etc.....

 

This guy sounds like a game player. Sounds exactly like my ex. Its hard to tell from your post what previous dates and his history were like. Does he let you down on plans much? Why does your date night have to SUIT HIM (Wednesdays)? These are just questions I'm wondering about from your post.

 

Don't call this guy again. Definitely. As soon as you stop calling him - I'm sure he will be back for more. Sounds like a little game he likes to play. I just think he is

a) insecure

b) likes to suit himself (has he travelled to your city to visit you at all?)

 

If you can give us more details, it might help...

 

Keep the faith.

[Goldfish6888]

Sorry I misread the post. He did call, but he called LATE!!! Almost as bad as not calling. You were still right to have made other plans.

 

He has some neck to think you'd hang about waiting on him!!

 

You've apologised. When I think he should apologise. As far as I can see you've done nothing wrong except be the mature person here.

[Beec]

I can see his view and yours, this seems like the early conversation in the week as not interepreted to mean the same thing. But at this point in time, I think you need to leave him alone and let it lie for at least a couple weeks. Hopefully, the anger will subside and he will miss and want to see you.

 

The man was angry becaus he was not seeing you, think about that, part of that makes you feel good right?

[ImThatGirl]

Do you want to smooth this over? Do you want to continue to date him?

 

Call him and apoligize for the miscommunication. Yes, he said he'd call you, but maybe he thought you'd call him. Maybe he is feeling unsure of the relationship you two have and what to expect from it. So he decided he'd let you call him. And instead, you made other plans (which I understand.)

 

If I cared enough and wanted to smooth over, I'd call and sight miscommunication. And apologize. And express my need to understand expectations and feelings.

[Lady Bugg]

I agree with the poster that said this guy is a game player. Sorry...but you have gone MORE than out of your way to apologize and make amends...when it really wasn't necessary. It sounds to ME as if he is blaming you because HE has a guilty conscience about something..whatever that is...who knows...but to be upset with you about something THIS trivial is beyond juvenile. What will he do when something MAJOR happens??

 

Also....I would NOT travel to see him again...if he wants to see you....let HIM make the trip. If he thinks you're worth it...he will come to you.

[blondebombshelter]

Thanks for the responses. You guys have really got me thinking about this, and you know what? There is a familiar feel about this ambivalence, he does play games. That last minute call was a classic. Although he has never actually cancelled on a date or done anything like that. Just stuff that leaves me all doubtful and waiting for my phone to ring like it's the secret to life.

 

He'll call every day (or even twice) for a few weeks, and then suddenly, for no reason at all, will stop calling for a week or two. Even if I call, he won't pick up or return the call. Then he'll phone and the first thing he'll say is 'why haven't I heard from you??" in this really wounded voice. Once he made a comment (which I just let go) about how he's messing with my head.

 

He could be playing me with other women, but he swears there's no one in his life.

 

I've checked out link removed from time to time, and I could swear he's doing some of that stuff in there, possibly even unconsciously, cos he isn't into computers so I doubt he's got it from there.

 

Unless of course he isn't interested in me. But then why would he stick around for so long?? And it's more than just a player wanting easy sex.

 

I'm so sick of these dumb games. Honestly. The whole thing sux. Both sexes get the same advice: don't act too interested, don't call too much, you'll look desperate, yada yada. If both of you are doing that, both too cautious to show how you really feel, it's a stale mate!! I mean if I'm there saying 'if he's interested he'll call', and he's saying the same thing, neither of us will call! Yet I can't just blurt out how much I like him, or whine to him about how sick of this I am, that's the classic 'what not to do'.

 

It seems the only situation I can successfully date in is where the guy likes me and is chasing me, but of course I have no interest, and the less interest I have, the more he has. Then it all work fine, dammit.

 

Anyway, I will take all your advice and not call again, and hopefully try to stop thinking about him. If I don't hear from him ever again he's just a hopeless snot head and I'm better off without him...

 

 

 

I

[annie24]

he does sound immature and is playing games, either consciously or unconsciously.

 

i hate that sort of behavior. I don't know why some people treat the people they are dating worse than their coworkers or neighbors. if you had plans with a coworker, you would call and confirm plans, not play angry games of phone tag. you wouldn't do that to your coworker, so why do that to the person you are dating.

 

I would just tell him that you aren't into that and that your time is valuable. I think you also carry a bit of the responsibility for the miscommunications, as I think you could have been a bit more firm yourself.

 

Seriously, 12 months of this is ridiculous. I would just say, "I've had enough. If you want to be with me, then no more stupid phone games, we will return each other's calls, an no last minute plan changes - we make plans and stick to them. and if that's too much for you, let's part ways."

[Beec]

None of the advice given like don't call too much, etc. fits every single situation. You need to know that there are times when you should follow it, but others when you should not. Nothing works all the time.

 

Somethings work well when you do them and then stop, and repeat, like you are hitting and on and off switch. But, when you have big differences, then the tactics creates a lot of weird tension, not a little good tension, like butterflies.

 

When it comes down to it, we all do want to be seduced, but none of us what someone to "play" us. We want someone to seduce us, because they want us.

 

In this case, I think I might wait a while, and then call him on his game. Shoot his tactics down out of the sky, mostly by making fun of them in a light-hearted way, and treat him like he is screwing up the best thing he is going to get.

[blondebombshelter]

We do stick to plans - if they actually were made. As I read your post, I realised that what I'm doing wrong is this: worry that he's losing interest, (partly because he fosters this insecurity) and, not wanting to chase him or railroad him into seeing me, leave the door open and let him take it from there. Which is stupid, now I think about it, because he's not the rail-roadable type anyway.

 

If he does call again, I will say the thing about returning the phonecalls. Cos it is beyond a joke, the way he doesn't return calls, or not return them until hours later. That's why I couldn't just resolve the whole thing with a "simple phonecall" (he said it was just a matter of making a simple phonecall to sort it out). Simple phonecall, my a***e.

 

I really hope he does call again, he's going to get such a blast of wrath...

[annie24]

hm... I understand the whole flirting/phone tag/insecurity thing early on in a relationship, but why has this been going on for a year? I know that would drive me bonkers and I would snap one day and tell him to F off.

[ImThatGirl]

I'm stuck wondering if he feels the same way? It sounds like you're playing it cool but used to people chasing after you and showing interest.

 

And I know you probably despise his theory of just a "simple phone call" would have / could have resolved this. It just seems to me that you both need to stop playing games. Determine your goals and if you have any common goals and treat each other with respect and clear communication.

[blondebombshelter]

hm... I understand the whole flirting/phone tag/insecurity thing early on in a relationship, but why has this been going on for a year? I know that would drive me bonkers and I would snap one day and tell him to F off.

 

because I'm not ready for anything serious yet... waiting for my divorce to finalise. Plus the distance thing.

 

I accept that he may meet someone else and lose interest in me at any time... which is why I'm so hesitant to pursue him too much.

[annie24]

hold old are you both?

[blondebombshelter]

hold old are you both?

I'm 32, he's 38. Although I know it sounds like we're both 13.

[ImThatGirl]

It doesn't sound like you're 13. It sounds like under the current circumstances you are both having difficulty expressing your thoughts and feelings which is completely understandable.

 

Do you see a future with him? Do you want a future with him? I really think the miscommunication should be cleared up.

[bighair]

Hi there,

 

you have to decide whether this arrangement if fulfilling enough for your to continue. you guys live at a distance but it isn't that far where you could only see each other as infrequently as you have been. if you want a commitment, maybe this guy isn't for you.

 

i've known plenty of men like this. i think the quality of the rel. they have with women is based on their moods. so, when your friend want to chat, he'll call consistenly and pay attention to you, and when he doesn't fee the need, he'll ignore you. i think this behavior is hurtful and selfish.

 

it's all up to you. maybe this man is someone you can hang w. and have fun with...nothing more. but, if he makes you feel bad about yourself, then forget him.

[blondebombshelter]

treat each other with respect and clear communication.

You're right. I will try to have a frank talk with him (ever we ever actually speak again!?!) How ironic, it's probably all over now. I will have to have this conversation in my head!

 

I just remembered this thing that happened some time back... He was going to come down here and visit, as I had some time off and my child was away on a trip with her grandparents. It was going to be the first time we had sex, a rare opportunity as I'm always with her normally.

 

I sat there for two nights waiting for him to call me, I couldn't call him as it would have been like me chasing him for sex or something. I thought if he was really interested he would call and finalise the arrangement I'd just read that book 'He's not that into you."

 

I can't describe the disappointment when he didn't call. He'd been going on and on about how much he wanted to have sex with me and how great it would be, and then nothing!! Finally I called him after it was too late out of sheer curiosity more than anything else as to what his game was. He told me he had been waiting for me to call him! He sounded about as upset as I was. He said exactly the same thing - he couldn't call me because he would feel like he was pressuring me for sex.

 

I just don't think we have gelled very well... our styles don't really work together. We just have the best time when we finally do get together, though. And we've had so many great conversations. I feel a bit sad right now.

 

Or from an onlooker's point of view, am I just being played and reading between the lines he's got minimal interest in me and I"m just too dumb to see it??

[ImThatGirl]

I'm sorry to chime in again.

 

I think that if you two never talk again, you will both be left to wonder what happened and if you did things differently what would life be like.

 

There are plenty of players out there. I've dated some. But I've never heard the line, I was waiting for you to call. And I'm surprised to learn that there was a repeat of that after the first time. If I had been through it once, I certainly would have called the second time to determine whether I was being stood or if he just needed me to make the move.

 

JMO

[ImThatGirl]

treat each other with respect and clear communication.

You're right. I will try to have a frank talk with him (ever we ever actually speak again!?!) How ironic, it's probably all over now. I will have to have this conversation in my head!

 

Don't think it has to be over....

[blondebombshelter]

i've known plenty of men like this. i think the quality of the rel. they have with women is based on their moods. so, when your friend want to chat, he'll call consistenly and pay attention to you, and when he doesn't fee the need, he'll ignore you. i think this behavior is hurtful and selfish.

 

it's all up to you. maybe this man is someone you can hang w. and have fun with...nothing more. but, if he makes you feel bad about yourself, then forget him.

 

 

You're so right!! The thing is though, I'm not up to serious commitment myself at this point, so it's a bit of a grey area. I need to see this guy as "someone you can hang w. and have fun with...nothing more." (for now) to quote you. and stop letting it get to me.

 

BUT... I have a feeling he would behave exactly like this even if I was available for a committed relationship.

[blondebombshelter]

or if he just needed me to make the move.

 

AAArghh! But what about 'the rules' and all that crap?? I hate all that s**t but we're supposedly not meant to come on too strong! How much calling is too much? It's just too hard to determine the balance. And this guy isn't shy and needing encouragement. THe night I met him he just wouldn't stop till I gave him my number, he was a pro!

 

I'm just wary of establishing a dynamic where I'm the chaser and he's the one who decides whether or not to respond to my advances. Just don't think that works.

[ImThatGirl]

I can't stand feeling like a chaser either.

 

I say put it on the table, see how he responds, then go from there. Right now only an assumption can be made as it hasn't been discussed. You are not being too needy or demanding to bring up this discussion.

 

Gotta run to training... I'll check in soon.

 

Sidenote: I'd want to say I made every possible effort.

[bighair]

I can't stand feeling like a chaser either.

 

I say put it on the table, see how he responds, then go from there. Right now only an assumption can be made as it hasn't been discussed. You are not being too needy or demanding to bring up this discussion.

 

Gotta run to training... I'll check in soon.

 

Sidenote: I'd want to say I made every possible effort.

 

Yeah...I REALLY WANT TO BE PURSUED. I hate to adhere to those instruction manuals: the rules, he's not that into you. but, i did all the work in my ltr...i see now that you can't fulfill the other side's commitment to the relationship.