confused...big time

[redsuede]

I have posted before.. Very long drawn out relationship.. In love for a decade, recent break up, another cheating episode I have to go through. Everytime a break up happens, I literally break down and lose all interest in everything, complete depression. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, this break up ended up with her moving out of the house, leaving me strapped, and the moment that she left she said "what did I do" in the regard that she was questioning if she made the right decision...

 

So... the confusion comes in is that I am really not doing that bad. I am so upset that she has done this to me again. I am sad over what I thought was, or the future..

 

She just moved out 3 days ago.

 

Is this normal for someone that is inclined to patheticness to the highest degree to just "snap out of it".. I wasnt happy in the relationship because I could never meet the mark, and tons more but I was faithful and would have stuck through all the thick and thin.

 

I am just hoping I am not fooling myself, and really deep down I am a complete mess waiting to explode. I have never been fine with our break ups...

 

I guess I am just incredibly scared.. I feel like I have just been let loose.. But I am not on the floor at least.

[friscodj]

Hey redsuede-

 

Your post says so much to me in such a small space. I have some thoughts for you.

 

I have grown accustomed to the rollercoaster relationship and know how it feels. You get addicted to the rush, the rush of emotional turmoil and the glimpse of the illusion of heaven in reconciliation. It's like a drug, and I believe it is addicting, at least it was so for me.

 

Because I was so attached to this person, the ride, thinking this is what I deserved and would never meet someone better or share such feelings with, I kept riding and putting up with nothing less than torture.

 

What's worse is that I was not happy in such relationships but my definition of happiness changed based on the person and situation. In this sense, I lost all perspective on what a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship and love is supposed to be about.

 

Getting out of such situations is very, very, very hard. Not only are you dealing with the detachment from the familiarity of the situation, the person is gone and you still seek and expect the ride to continue.

 

What you can do is recognize this, recognize the pattern, know it will continue like this ad infinitum, while you get more and more caught up in it, lose yourself, your perspective, and get caught up in her issues.

 

The way to do this I've found is to break this clean and finally, then fight like hell to keep it that way. You have to understand this is not healthy love, not a healthy situation, that you will go through withdrawal from the ride, and you will suffer like you've never suffered before. This situation is poison. The only way to do this is disappear completely from this situation, suffer, grieve, be strong, and whatever you do, stay away. This needs to be the last break up here or the cycle will continue and you'll only hurt worse next time!

 

You need to explode, to get on the floor for a while. Think of this situation as the wrecking ball that will demolish your emotional "house". Rebuild this house one brick at a time on a different property lot with a new design. This is scary, this is a big task, this will hurt, but this is necessary.

[redsuede]

You sound like the smartest man alive. I have read many of your posts and I was grateful to see that you replied, so thank you very much. You are right. It has been an emotional rollercoaster, Great for a day or two, bad for 4 or 5 days following. We have "broken up" probably 400 times, but physically broken up (meaning her moving out) twice now. I was not happy and always dreamed of breaking free, but reality, I do love her.

 

I know you are right though. She wants to stay friends so much. I am so afraid to say no, so I have basically decided I will not contact her at all. I have maintained this. If she calls, I keep it really monotone and very short. If she sends an email to me at work, I reply to the question, and no small talk. This seems to be helping, yet sometimes it feels so impossible, I still maintain it. Knowing her, she will very quickly get upset over this, call me on it, yell at me, and start the full NC herself. I realize I have been verbally and physically abused throughout this relationship.. Almost constant, another person was always a threat in this relationship. BUT for the first time, I have a sense of excitement of this free feeling. I really feel like I deserve to be loved back, and now the pathway is clear for me to do this. I am taking this as a good sign. Not only that, everything is falling in place for me. My next door neighbor who is an auto mechanic has offered to fix my dead car. I just sold my house yesterday, who just came up to my door asking if I was selling my house (he saw the mover truck cause she was moving out).. so it took one day for my house to sell. I just got another raise.. so much has happened that is good since this has happened. I suspect this is why she questioned out loud to me if she made the right decision.. she is maintaining distance from me as well though.. so i recognize the familiar mixed messages.. but this time I am not trying so hard to figure them out. I guess I just needed to know that I am feeling normal feelings.. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post..

[friscodj]

More thoughts:

 

1) My eyes are filled with tears and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard at your "smartest man alive" comment! If you only knew the collossally stupid situations I have gotten myself into and decisions I have made regarding relationships in my own life!

 

2) Now with that uplifting little preface taken care of, you really and truly must cut this thing clean. Don't answer her calls, read her emails, nothing. I have tried every other way at least 5 or 6 times and nothing works except this route. You need distance from this! You need to run out of the amusement park and keep running until you can't run anymore!

 

She abuses you, manipulates you, you fear her being out of your life, and cheats on you. There is absolutely no other option here. Anything less than complete disappearance and you are inviting trouble right back into your life. Look at what you wrote again. How does it look to someone from an outside perspective?

 

Forget about notions of "leaving the door open". There is no door. Take that freaking thing off the hinges and pour cement in the entryway...

 

3) You love her, that's enviable, admirable, and very special, but when you share this love with her, it creates a toxic situation. Keep your love for her in the privacy of your heart.

 

4) You need to call this thing quits. Tell her once and for all this ride is over, and then back this up with your actions. I can guarantee you she will come with heavy artillery to try to get you back on this ride too. Be prepared for everything she has...expressions of "how much you are hurting her", how much she "misses you", how this time apart has "really" showed her how much she loves you, expect anger, sadness, sorrow, kindness, tears, phone calls, emails, text messages, letters. Expect her to throw the kitchen sink at you and your character.

 

5) This is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. Expect it, prepare for it, believe it.

[redsuede]

Wow.. Just the advice that has the ring of truth. I will start now with complete NC. I like the analogy of the amusement park, because basically, that is what this has been. Also, you stating that you think she will come back trying to make this work scares me to death. Up until this breakup, I always prayed for that kind of comment. This time is different. Just you saying that, makes me want to get better prepared for this emotional whipsaw. I appreciate you sharing with me your experiences, I know you DO know what you are talking about. Has anyone seen the movie click.. Wishing I had that remote control right about now...

[friscodj]

"Emotional whipsaw". I don't know what a "whipsaw" is exactly, but that word just sounds so deadly cool. Like a whip and a saw all in one. I don't know what one is but I'm sure I've been hit with one before by a few exes!

 

I'm going to start using that one around here...you cool with that?

 

Yeah man, just by virtue that you are "scared to death" and mentioned fear before, think about that, is that healthy?

 

Call a whipsaw, call it what you want, this is going to be tough and you have to be tougher.

[redsuede]

(whipsaw)....Lol.. I am a forex trader, but it fits perfectly... Lol.. Its the only expression to fully fit how it feels.. Thanks again for the advice.. I guess I will go to bed. I think during a really bad time its important to eat, DONT drink, and sleep. It gives you that ounce of strengh that is barely noticed.. I am still appreciative that the smartest man alive gave me such priceless advice.. even though its very scary, I KNOW you know your stuff.. Going to take your advice.. Thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[friscodj]

Well, live in whatever illusion you have of me as long as you get better dude!

 

Eat, sleep, and keep milking that ounce of strength because you're going to need it. Take it when you can get it and store it up when you dont.

[redsuede]

Okay, so what do you do when you start to "romantisize" the relationship. I am doing well with not calling or stuff like that, and I am very lonely doing this NC process. I pretty much go to work, and come home and cook for my kids and sit on the couch. I realize that I dont want this relationship back, I have never had any doubts through this breakup, but for some weird reason, I still hope she still tries to come back. I find myself doing "well" as much I think that I can anyway for a day or two, and then I start to wonder what she is doing, and does she love me still. She has been really harsh with her words when I have talked to her, and then she throws a handful of crumbs at me. Right now of course she is doing the mean cruel route of hating me, so it makes NC much easier, but its been like 6 months. Shouldnt I be over this by now? How do you stop thinking about someone that you know you would be happier not thinking about. I also have realized through the constant verbal and emotional abuse I am so afraid of "coping" the right way. I know that sounds weird.. but its true. I cant seem to make a decision about anything to do with how I am handling this without extreme panic of I am not doing it right, or someone is going to be mad at me. I realize that this sounds completely victimy, so please know I am aware of this... I guess I just needed to vent..

[BeStrongBeHappy]

sometimes a really emotional, roller coaster relationship puts us into a case of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)... same thing that soldiers get. when you are in the crisis of an abusive relationship, there is lots of adrenaline and you get a 'foxhole' mentality, where you start to think hiding is better than getting your head shot off, so you start to withdraw.

 

PTSD is more common than people know, and you could be suffering from it after living with someone who is bi-polar, which is a HUGE amount of stress...

 

Please look up PTSD on the web, and recognize that you are not being 'vicitimy', you are probably just exhausted from that relationship and have 'hunkered down' emotionally to protect yourself.

 

there are ways to bring yourself back out of this, via counseling if you are really narrowing your world to the point you are having trouble getting back out there again, or just learning about the symptoms and recognizing that this is not some cosmic problem that is unsolvable, but very commone in people who have been abused.

 

so please do a little research on the web, and maybe try to join a group or get out there a little bit... fight the urge to hide in your house, because you will actually only get better by finding new positive relationships with friends, rather than dwelling on your ex...

[redsuede]

Thanks Bestrongbehappy.. I will do that now. I really appreciate your feedback.. I am having a really hard time dealing with the things of life that most people are OK with. I really appreciate advice like this. I dont want to feel this way forever.

[redsuede]

I will do just that. Thank you very much. I am really trying to do the right thing this time rather than just leap back in to something that has hurt me so tremendously. I am starting to really try to start seeing things for how they really are, rather than go back in to what was. I just know there must be more out there, rather than hurting and feeling worthless just to have her near me..

 

This is such a long lonely process, but I am determined that this is not all for nothing..

[redsuede]

I feel a bit better today. Last night I had a friend come over and hang out with me. She just got out of a similar relationship like mine. It does help to talk about it. What I am having a hard time with, and working on it, is that I am finding it hard to be angry. I know that I should and have so much to be angry about. I have always held high the idea of "if its your problem, its mine too"... or " I will always love you, no matter what"... That has kept me in some pretty bad situations. Because today, for now, I feel I have a bit of a foot hold, I want to remind myself and others that It may feel bad now, or you may find comfort in finding every reason in the book that it was your fault completely, but that is just a way of making yourself feel better in a way I think because if it is our fault, then I might can just fix it. I have spent the last 4 months finding every thing in the world to be sorry about, and even written long drawn out emails to her saying how sorry I am for each and every one of them. Did it change a thing, no.. In fact it gave her even more reason to feel mad at me.. Some of them I got a sincere thank you for, but come on.. For me watering the lawn too much, compared to getting yelled at because I felt I had to take care of everything there was to do in our house so she would want to leave or hate it.. That sucks. I should be getting a sorry that she left everything for me to do. Cooking, laundry, cleaning, cleaning up dog crap, finding our special dates.. Of course, I did NONE of those right in her eyes. She read, and played on the computer and critisized. I had a dream in our first year of being together. It was one where my deceased grandmother was just sitting down talking with me, and she said, remember, if this relationship doesnt work out, there is someone else out there for you honey. I woke up. That was 6 years ago. I often wonder about it.. Right now I need to get my own surroundings comfortable and be happy for the day and what it may bring. I dont need to be happy if me and the x are ok. I need to be happy cause I have a lot I can give someone when I am ready. I need to realize that my mistakes in life dont make up who I am anymore. I dont need to be someone else for someone to like me, I dont need to jump through endless hoops for someones love. I never made her jump through hoops. I was just happy to be near her. We spent so much of our free time going over what I was doing wrong in the relationship, I have peace now. I just have to get through the pain and panic attacks, and know that everything one day will be OK. Trust in the universe that everything is just the way it is supposed to be. Maybe if I learn to like myself better, I may realize fully that I didnt deserve the treatment I got, and it wont be a matter of if she comes back, it will be a matter if I will go back or not..

 

We all have choices.. What are we going to do for ourselves?

[redsuede]

The last few days I feel like I have a foothold. I am doing this NC thing, and it really does help. It takes out all of the confusing words and actions. I am feeling like the air is clearing and I can see what I should have seen all along. I still get tripped up and think about how she must be doing NC too. I am still working on getting angry, and that one hasnt really come yet. I guess that feels more like a betrayal if I get angry.. BUT, keeping that foothold is the key. I am wanting to start getting out there again, but I still feel like I would be unfaithful, even though we have been apart for 4 months. I havent been with anyone but her in 8 years. There are so many scary aspects of this situation, but I am trying to be positive about it and think about my life first.. Very hard.

[redsuede]

So today, I get an email asking me a general question about a job interview I had awhile back. Im thinking, what the heck. You tell me basically to fall off the face of the earth, and so I do... (NC) and now I get an email a week later with a general question about ME.

 

Why do they do that? Maybe they have never been dumped before and dont realize how it feels.. Its sure a set back