I cheated, I lied, What can i do?

[bruscoe]

Hello, i have always come to this board for advice but have never posted before. I have been dating my girlfriend for the last 7 months. When we met i had been separated from my ex-girlfriend for about a month. The only thing is, the relationship with my ex never really ended. One day we just stopped talking to each other after 2 years and it kept going that way for over a month. After all that time i met my present girlfriend and started hanging out with her. We started dating and after just a short time, my ex found out that i was dating someone and acted like we had never broken up. My ex and I had a fight that continued for a long time about the issue of me cheating on her and just leaving, but i never saw it that way. After awhile she had convinced me to come over and talk and we ended up having sex. I dont know why i did it and i hate myself for doing it, but the fights just got worse until I ended up just not talking to her anymore. I never told my current girlfriend that it had happened. I couldnt, she had had too many previous relationships where she had been cheated on and i didnt want to do that to her again. This isnt the type of person i am. I would never have dreamt about cheating on her. It was just a weird difficult situation. Finally one day my ex sent my current girlfriend a message and said that we had sex and that she had proof from emails that we had exchanged. When my girlfriend confonted me about it, i told her that it was a lie. I just couldn't bear the thought that she would break up wiht me over it. After that a long time had passed and we've been together for about 7 months, and yesterday she gets an email from my ex that has emails of us talking about me cheating on her. Now she doesnt trust me and i fear that our relationship is over. I feel so awful that i can even look at her. Is there anything i can do? I didnt just cheat on her but i lied too, but i cant stand to lose her. Please help me. What can i do?

[rose2summer]

Welcome to ENA!

 

Well, everything in life has consequences and despite the fact you are remorseful, you still will dwell in these aftershocks.

 

There are 2 kinds of cheating:

1) one-night-stand, didn't know the person well

2) pre-meditated cheating, where you knew ahead of time you planned to cheat, and it took some thought, and wasn't spur of the moment

 

Since you followed route 2, I think it's going to be very hard to mend things with your current gf.

 

You say that you plan to never do it again and feel remorseful, but what methods do you hope to employ to avoid this?

 

Hugs, Rose

[bruscoe]

This wasn't pre-mediated. I planned on going to my ex-girlfriends to end the relationship, i never even thought about having sex with her. We were just ending things and she said she wanted a last kiss and i agreed. Then she just kept pressing and brought up all these memories until it happened. I know that i would never cheat on her again. I also forgot to mention that my current girlfriend and i were on a break while i figured things out with my ex. Not that that makes it any better.

[finewhine]

I give you my sympathies because the board is about to have a field day with your post. It was wrong of you not to cut ties with the ex, even more wrong for you to sleep with her, and just as wrong not to tell the new girlfriend of your status when you first started dating her.

 

I think you're cooked. Your new girlfriend is going to break up with you, and rightfully so. Your ex girlfriend deserved her little bit of revenge against you, but inadvertently hurt your new girlfriend by the way she achieved it. Too bad for the new girlfriend, but it's possible to survive cheating. I have.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would apologize heartily to both my current girlfriend and my ex girlfriend then remove yourself from both their lives.

 

It's great that you feel guilty! Use that guilt constructively to help others and to improve yourself.

[rose2summer]

she gets an email from my ex that has emails of us talking about me cheating on her

 

If it wasn't pre-mediated, then what does this mean? Did your ex make up, fabricate, the emails that were sent to your current gf?

[bruscoe]

The emails were after the cheating had occurred. Talking about what had happened.

[doyathink]

I say you need to come clean! The lie is as bad as the cheating. Tell your gf you cheated and you lied because you knew how bad it would hurt. Then, if she wants to continue with this relationship you will have to build the trust again, which is very hard to do once you have broken it....

[Beec]

I think for now, you are at the mercy of your current gf's emotions. Keep things quiet, let her rage, and say you are sorry.

 

Will she ever forgive you and let you have another chance, no idea. But don't fight her.

 

And you cheated and lied about it. In her shoes, I probably would not give you another chance. So, act like you are not for a while, then see what happens.

[rose2summer]

I agree with the other posters that it is best to come clean, otherwise, your relationship will be based on lies.

 

Either she will decide to forgive you and move on, or just move on from the relationship, but these consequences are unavoidable.

[bruscoe]

I have already admitted it to her. We are both broken up about. i seem to feel worse than her about it though. I just hate the fact that i did this to her. She seems like she may want to continue with the realtionship, but I just dont know how to go about it.

[finewhine]

Bruscoe - did your current girlfriend know you weren't technically broken up with your ex girlfriend when she first started dating you? I know you say that you thought you were broken up, but how did you explain this to the current girlfriend at the time?

 

Personally, I'd be ultra-leery to get involved with someone a month out of a two-year relationship. Did she know this about you?

[ImThatGirl]

Bruscoe - Apologize and express that you want to be with her.

 

You need to also reassure her that it will never happen again. Acknowledge that you may be on a short leash for awhile if this works out. You have awaken insecurity and jealousy, etc. You will need to walk the line to make this work. You up for that?

[Beec]

I have already admitted it to her. We are both broken up about. i seem to feel worse than her about it though. I just hate the fact that i did this to her. She seems like she may want to continue with the realtionship, but I just dont know how to go about it.

 

You let her figure that out, and you don't push her, and you act remorseful, when she seems angry, for a while, then appreciative when happy, and then if it goes on too long, you demand respect and let her know she needs to start to trust you again. But for right now, you let her have time to decide.

[rose2summer]

Well, all you can do is listen to how she feels and try to be comforting about it.

 

If she decides to reconcile, then you will need to be ready with arms wide open and not follow this behavior again.

 

Good luck.

[bruscoe]

Yes i told her the situation with my ex-girlfriend and how the things had happened. It had been a long time coming. At the end of the two year relationship we basically couldn't stand each other anymore and thats why we hadn't talked. When i met my current girlfriend, even though it had only been a month, i fell for her right away. Then the problems happened with the ex and my current girlfriend and i took a week long break so i could settle things with her and thats when it happened.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just because two people don't talk for a month, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. You and your ex of 2 years had not actually ended things when you met your new girlfriend of a month later. So, I can understand why your ex would be very upset. Basically through lack of communication and simply looking out for your own needs, you hurt two women. I agree with the other posters. Your latest ex needs to figure out in her own time frame, without any pressure from you, whether or not she could trust you again. In that time, I might suggest that you read some books on communicating effectively with your partner.

[arwen]

I am not sure if I follow.

 

- you and the ex were together and broke up

- a month later you meet the current girl

- you are still in contact with the ex

- you sleep with the ex

- the ex contacts your gf

- you keep denying it two times

- you told the gf

- now you are broken up?

 

You were also on a break somewhere in between, and this was when you cheated? I am sorry, I think there is a huge story and your posts are really limited to the minimal basics, and I am already lost.

 

If you didn't tell your current gf, you should. You did not plan on cheating, but it happened and it's unfair to continue a lie while your gf is suspecting it and probably feeling awful about it anyway.

 

Ilse

[Hope75]

You mentioned that your ex was upset because you had cheated on her in the past, and then you cheated on your current gf with the ex.

 

And you say this is not you?

 

I'm confused...

[yeawutever]

You mentioned that your ex was upset because you had cheated on her in the past, and then you cheated on your current gf with the ex.

 

And you say this is not you?

 

I'm confused...

 

I was getting the story until I read Hope's post there. I understand you cheated on your current g/f and want to work things out, she might give you another shot, I dunno, it's up to her.

 

I don't get the part about you saying you cheated on your ex g/f, how is that possible if she's your ex???? You can't cheat on an ex!!!!

 

As for the current g/f, don't just apologize and say sorry, but show with actions, do something about it, words with no actions are like goals with no purpose. What does she like to wear, what is her favorite music, where does she likes to eat, etc., if not, time will tell when she will trust you again.

[Hope75]

Ailec

 

I think what he said was that the reason his ex is an ex is because she broke it off with him over his cheating, and now he's cheated on his present gf with the ex.

 

At least, that is what I think I got from his posts!

[Rabican]

If I were your girlfriend the thing I would respect most would be for you to come clean, be honest with me. tell me what happened if I wanted to know, and then never ever ever speak to your ex again. EVER. Do everything I ask you to to prove your undying love and faithfullness from here on out and then id consider giving you another chance.

 

Id even go so far as to offer to give her my cell phone bills, email acct passwords etc. so that she knows Im hiding nothing.... chances are you are just screwed, if shes been through this before its probably a deal breaker... but good luck. Sounds like you are sorry, next time you will know better and keep it in your pants.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

two wrongs don't make a right, so compounding the cheating with lying only bought you some time, but will cost you if your girlfriend decides you both cheated AND lied... so your best bet is to keep talking to her... she is bound to bring the subject up again (even if you don't), so you will have to deal with this one way or another...

 

if she really believes you cheated, it is better to come clean and throw yourself upon her mercy and discuss how stupid you were and how scared you were when the 'other woman' told on you, because you realized that she is more important to you than anything, and you can't stand to lose her, and that you were an idiot, etc. etc. throw yourself upon her mercy, and do everything you can do to re-establish trust, which is hard but not impossible... but some women will dump a guy who cheats, so no matter what you do it may be over, but you need to let her know that you understand that SHE is the one who was wronged, that you were stupid, and won't do it again AND MEAN IT. if she really loves you, she might give you another chance, if not, lesson learned, the hard way...

i think Rabican's posting is good advice, let her know that you intend to tread the straight and narrow, and have nothing more to hide, and keep it that way.