notabadgirl Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I am married and about a year ago, I started having a relationship with a married friend. We have so much in common and the attraction is unbelievable! We both love our partners but have feelings for each other. We have talked about it and know that we can only be friends, then we go for months without seeing or hearing from each other - attempting to move on then we do see each other and end up talking about "us". Recently, we were drinking together and it went further and we had sex. I told him how it made me feel and how we have to end everything. I have never cheated on my husband and now I can't take it back. I hated myself for it! I could never tell anyone what a horrible thing I have done and went thru weeks of depression because I had to deal with this alone. Another few months go by and I really thought it was finally over since I have been feeling better (even though I still think about him all of the time). I just saw him last night and kissed again! Talked about "us" again. The conversations about "us" are how we know that we are attracted to each other and can't be anything more - but since this keeps happening, deep down we must want more and just can't admit it. When we are around our partners, no one would ever know that we are unhappy...including them! This has gone on for over a year and I need and want to move on...everytime I think it's over, he is back and I fall for it. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why does he keep doing this to me? I know what the answer is, but need to hear it from others - I can't talk to anyone about this and I think it would really help! Link to comment
arwen Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Hey, I think it's best if you mutually agree that it's NOT going to happen again. Going back to being 'just friends' is not going to be an option. Too much temptation I think, for both parties. You are both married, do you plan on telling your partners? Do you feel you miss anything in your marriage that made you sort of weaker towards the other guy? How is your marriage, and do you have children? Ilse Link to comment
notabadgirl Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 We have tried not being friends, but still keep coming back to each other. This guy makes me feel good about myself. I know that my husband is still attracted to me, but I don't feel it anymore. I have talked to him about my feelings but don't think he knows how seriously lonely that I am. I didn't want to admit, but I do have 3 children that I hurting with this. Link to comment
kelkel Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I think sometimes my responses are a bit harsh so i will attempt to only say one thing and nothing else The two of you MUST stop being "friends" (and i use that word loosely) IF you intend to save you marriage Link to comment
dogheadma Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 When we are around our partners, no one would ever know that we are unhappy...including them! Is this true? If so, it's not fair to either one of you to withhold this information. Get it out in the open. That's a good place to start and if you want to save your marriage then cut all ties with this other person. Link to comment
notabadgirl Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 I have tried that - and then still allow things to happen. Have you ever done something you know was wrong, but did it anyway? I want to stop, I need to stop...but it is very hard! Link to comment
notabadgirl Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 Yes, sadly it's true. No one would ever know. I feel like I am putting on an act when around others and I know he is doing the same. I didn't, until I became involved! Link to comment
kelkel Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 i know its hard dear, i dont know how hard it is for you but if thinking about devastating your husband doesnt help , well think about your kids !! IF you truly are unhappy, you need to communicate with ur husband personally the "D" word is usually in my vocabulary when there is adultery and one partner cannot bypass it, and since you have done that, there is the option of SAVING you marriage by KILLING the friendship, OR , KILLING the marriage and being happy with this guy....... the only other two options is to continue this very wrong relation OR all four of u get together talk it out, hey maybe you end up getting a nice big 4some going .............. and i doubt it so do whats right and i know you know whats right !! Link to comment
Beec Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 You need to make a choice, your marriage, the other man with whom you are cheating. I understand there is some desire to resist, but the road to you-know-where is paved with such things. More imprtantly, what happened to your feelings with your husband is likely to happen if you leave him for any other man. It became something that was there all the time and you have been able to take it for granted. If some other woman showed up and hit on your husband, your story would probably change in a second. End the affair, never see him again without your husband present, hold onto your marriage. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 it's more like you are willing to hurt your husband, than how you describe it, as allowing yourself to get hurt. You are an active participant, not a victim. Link to comment
Ixtapa Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Is there no way that you can completely avoid contact with him ? Just tell him that you dont want to have anything to do with him (for reasons you are both aware of), get rid of his phone number, email address and the like. If and when you get the urge to see him/speak to him...call a friend instead...or write in your journal...go for a jog...try to find something else to keep busy...something that will make you feel better if possible Also beware of one thing. It is not because you have this "passionate" thing going on with this guy that you would make a good couple in real life. I mean, you might end up losing your husband and him staying married....or you both losing your spouses and not getting together afterall... Are you willing to risk your current relationship for a moment of passion ?? Link to comment
Bethany Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Stop putting yourself in the position of being alone with him and being able to talk about "us". Next time you see him make a conscious decision to be around other people, then excuse yourself and go home to the man who loves you. If he catches you alone say NO! Don't talk about it, it's over. Then leave. You have choices. Make the right ones. Link to comment
s_finch Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 I know the pull is tremendous. He makes you feel wonderful, fantastic, loved, excited, young......... however as one poster wrote on here somewhere, it's actually the "Romeo and Juliet" syndrome; wanting that which is forbidden. Just think if you had to wake up beside this guy every day, wash his dirty drawers, listen to him snore, cook his meals, (not in that order) just how ho-hum he would become really fast. The grass is always greener on the other side----I too have been terribly tempted but it's not worth ruining the life I have now. The guilt and depression you're experiencing and will continue to experience until this thing is finally over, is taking a lot out of you. Be good to yourself. Give up the fantasy and move on. Link to comment
Rabican Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Question for the Original Poster, how is it that you can cheat on your husband, then swear never to do it again and when you see this guy again, you go right back to talking to him about 'us' and kissing him. How does one do this, and yet still claim to love their spouse? Dont these very actions show that you dont love him, as if you did you would put your feelings for him ABOVE your affair, sexual desire, fantasy etc. for this other man. That said, END ALL CONTACT with this other guy forever, OR just end it with your husband. Im guessing you dont love him for real, and he really deserves someone who does. You cant have any contact with this other guy and stay with your hubby. Its obvious the other guy is under your skin for some reason. Its just not fair to your hubby, not fair at all. Link to comment
puppeteer Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 the part that bugs me is this... at no point have you told your husband of the affair. until you do that...and let him deal with you in any way he feels regardless of the outcome... then you are being completely selfish, cruel and disrespectful to him. sorry to be harsh...but you cheated on him...and he deserves better than you. Link to comment
herewegoagain Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 I agree - I'm tired of cheaters always trying to justify why they had an affair. I'm not judging anyone, but it makes me sick - cheaters do not deserve to be married. Link to comment
Mike_Wazowski Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I know what you're feeling...it's exciting right? To know that another man wants you! You both know it's wrong but you still do it right! Why? Only one reason...Plain old Selfishness.... You want pleasure and you don't care who gets hurt......And please don't say, I've tried not to see this other guy....pure Hogwash....I've been where you have been and I ended it.... Do you think this guy has an ounce of respect for you??? Hardly...Oh, he may say, i love you, i love you, but that is just to keep you happy so that you will give him what he wants..... I'm sure deep down inside, he has no respect for you. Really now.....who wants to be committed longterm to some woman, or man for that matter who cheats on his spouse??? Answer: NOBODY! Are you going to divorce your husband and throw away your kids to be with this guy??? Is he going to dump his wife?? Are you going to run away together and live Happily ever after???? Wake up!! You need to end it, before your husband finds out and he ends it by kicking you out of the house and getting custody of your kids. End it before you lose everything you say you supposedly care about. Good Luck! Link to comment
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