Deepest Darkest Secrets: Tell/Not tell???

[eggnoggin]

What do you all think of telling a SO about something big in your past?

 

Me personally; I struggle with whether or not I need to tell a potential mate (only if it's serious) about my one serious bout with depression + time in a psych ward (five days).

 

Psych wards...that's heavy stuff. I equate that incident with having an abortion or having been abused or something. It was after being badly dumped -- the guy ripped my heart out, jumped on it, picked it back up, chewed on it, spat it back out, jumped on it again, and ran away laughing. No, just kidding. (No, I'm not bitter ... nah, again, kidding...very bitter! STILL!) Anyway, that was years ago and I am over it, we aren't friends and haven't spoken since. I am better for it and like myself quite a bit with or without a guy. I don't settle for less than I deserve. In the end, it was a good thing. What doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger.

 

I will never get back to that awful place again -- so lost and depressed and completely unhinged--BUT. I am obligated to tell someone I am serious with about the incident?? What do you all think?

 

Do you carry your deepest darkest secrets to the grave? Or do you bare every bit of your weathered soul?

 

I'm new, by the way, so Hi!

[Scotcha]

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

I don't think that you are obligated to tell anyone anything personal about your past. It is your decision in regards to how much or how little you divulge and no one could fault you either way.

 

I will say say however that often times it is better to wait until a certain level of intimacy has been reached before sharing some of the "heavier" parts of you. And I was also say that once that level has been reached it often times seems most natural to share those things as well. But I am speaking here from my own experience and my own perspective. Your milage may vary.

[sidehop]

With someone I truly love & care for and know by heart it won't freak the person out, I don't hide anything

[Daddy Bear]

i've seen two or three days of the cuckoo's nest from the inside, too. no big.

but if i were you, i would only tell people in RL a personal secret when i felt that i could trust them A) to keep it, and B) not to use it against me later.

[DN]

I don't think it is something you are obliged to tell in anyway. Maybe if you get into a serious long-term relationship you could but if you decide not to that's ok too.

[texami]

howdy, egg!! welcome...

 

i had a couple of things in my past that i didn't tell my long-time SO, but when the situatation arose to make me think it was time, i did tell him.

 

like you said, i probably wouldn't just blurt it out one day but if the topic ever came up, or if it seemed like information he should know... maybe it could be discussed in a neutral way.

 

my case had to do with past ob/gyn history. i didn't tell my story until we were having a kid together. i won't lie... it was not smooth the day i popped this information on him!! it had to do with my past sexual history, and he actually said "why did you tell me this??!!!" but the reason i told him was that he was about to find out at the doctor's office... so i figured i should tell him first. there was a sting, but i don't think i should have told him before it was necessary.

 

i wonder about having some kind of "information sharing" disucssion. would it be too leading to ask him what he thought about sharing all the gory details of life, or ask him if he was the kind of person who didn't need that level of 'sharing'? i think my guy would have been happy not knowing if it didn't need to come up.

[eggnoggin]

So just curious...

 

Does anyone out there feel there are some Deep Dark Secrets that are obligated to share?

 

Obviously things like being married, having venereal disease, anything that could potentially cause physical harm to a partner.

 

I'd rather take it to the grave, but I have a friend who thinks it's a must-tell. Ah well, she's she and me's me. Whatcha gonna do.

 

Dako posted and deleted. That's cheating. What a lead-on. That's like saying "I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!" and then swearing up and down that it's nothing and you're not going to say it. Tsk. (I kid, I kid)

[Daddy Bear]

if it's something about your past (my parents were brother and sister, i was abused) which doesn't affect the other person, then i would not feel obligated. if you're misrepresenting yourself by not telling (i'm a purse snatcher, i drink human blood), or it's something that will affect the person's life in the future (I'm moving to Greenland in May) then it would seem unkind not to let him or her know.

[Dako]

Egg,

Sorry, but I figured my heavy cold meds made me flakey.

 

I was in a nuthouse and it's no secret.

To hide it might make me ashamed.

[Scotcha]

I second that, slightlybent!

[Slagar]

*chuckles*

 

I really think it comes down to you. This sounds like a past experience, that is over and done with, and will never come back to haunt you. So really, I don't see why he should need to know. Of course, as people have said, if it becomes relevant at some stage, or if you think it might change the way he feels about you, then perhaps it would be wise to tell him.

 

But... even with someone you trust and care about, and they feel the same way, these things can have a big impact. It's kind of like taking the relationship from stable ground, to unstable ground.

 

With this situation in particular, it's not that you've "got something to hide"... it's just that, in my opinion, there are some things better left unsaid.

 

Personally, there are things about my past that are over and done with, that I would never tell a significant other, unless it became truly necessary. Those times were not my finest moments, and they're gone forever. I feel the same about knowing certain aspects about my significant other.

 

Edit: Actually, slightlybent said it very well

[eggnoggin]

Oh, shoot. Drinking human blood is a must-tell? See, I neglect to think about these things. Better tell him about the gimp in the basement too.

[eggnoggin]

But seriously.

 

What about # of sexual partners? I have gotten slightly uncomfortable with my "number" (though it's still limited to one hand) and wonder if I'll have the compulsion to "control-z" them when asked about my past...

 

I get tested every time I get out of a sexual relationship, so it isn't as if I'm putting the other at risk; it's just that I don't like talking about that stuff.

[Jay K]

My guideline for "past" stuff is if the event / issue that has significant pull on you in the present, then it is probably best to disclose it. i.e., an ex cheated on you, and it is going to take time for you to trust someone new completely. I think that is perfectly fair. As for your time in treatment, if you think your boyfriend is falling for you then tell him. Otherwise wait until you want to move the relationship forward. But honestly, and I don't know the details, it probably won't be too big of a deal.

 

As far as the "number" question - what purpose would your telling him serve? I'm not terribly enlightened. I hate hearing the nitty gritty about my date's previous relationships. Doesn't matter if it was one guy or fifty, it is just never comfortable to hear. I had a question about this myself regarding my current girlfriend that is in the archives somewhere - I got over it because it wasn't a big deal. Lo and behold, I slipped up a couple of weeks later with a story about my own "wild days", and then my girlfriend had to deal with the jealousy thing. She got over it because it wasn't a big deal either, we laughed about it, and we agreed to KEEP OUR MOUTHS SHUT about certain things. A lot of really happy couples follow this rule. All I need to know is I love being with her, and the events in her life brought her to me healthy and wonderful. I don't want her to worry about things that are already done, so I'm just going to leave them in the past. It is not her job to listen to my confessions. And besides, the last thing on my mind are the girls I dated that weren't right for me when the right one is standing in front of me.

 

Hope this helps a bit.

[Anna.]

I would tell him, personally, all of it, but I'm peculiar. I've got this fear that if I didn't tell my significant other everything, that one day he'd find out and think differently of me. So I laid everything out on the table from the get go. That way, he can understand me better.

 

But I completely understand why you wouldn't tell your whole life story every time you get in a new relationship. I agree w/ SB. If something's pertinent, then tell them, if not, then it's up to you.

[Slagar]

I went out with a girl who let me know she had been with a lot of guys. But she assured me that she was genuinely interested in a long term relationship with me, because she really felt strongly about me. After finding out how many girls I had been with, she said I was like some kind of saint compared to her, lol.

What she said didn't worry me in the slightest - though I can't say all guys would react as I did (I can imagine it would've made some guys quite controlling).

 

In any case, if you can count them on one hand, you've got nothing to worry about! It's not the greatest to talk about past relationships when you're in a new one... but once you've been together for a long time, I see no problem sharing these things about eachother.

[caro33]

Agree with everyone else here, good advice. If it doesn't immediately affect the relationship, take your time, suss the other person out and see how you feel later. I think it depends so much on the other person's own triggers for insecurity, their perceptions of what is 'right' 'moral' or 'weak' etc, as well as their attitude toward you. All you can be is true to yourself and if they can't deal with you as you are, they aren't right for you.

 

Re the nbr of partners thing, I suppose I had always kind of expected any guy I was with to be 'pleased' I haven't been around that much. Then I went and met myself a guy who if anything, I think, thought I was a bit of a prude for my small nbr of partners. He has no jealousy or control issues, and he has been happy to talk about both his and my exes (far more than I have been). And he's the one I'm marrying, so in the end it never mattered how many people I'd been with.

[annie24]

hm.... I think if you are wondering, then don't tell him until things get serious, ie, you are in a long-term secure relationship that is heading towards marriage. he may care, he may not. ultimately, if you have your life on track and feel better and are taking care not to have a relapse, it sounds like everything is fine.

 

i think i would tell, but that is because i tend to tell too much too fast anyways, that is my problem.

[vandgsmom]

I am very up front about ALL of my life experiences. Sometimes to the point people are a little put off by knowing too much too soon.

 

Maybe take Annies advice and take it slow. I would say all of it will probably come out sooner or later, but just take it one revelation at a time. Worry more over the quality of the relationship that you are having and less over the pages of your memory book....

[trash mail]

hmmmm.. interesting question.

lets see, i am the type of person that will tell all, unfortunately it usually scares the * * * * out of the girl it tell it to. HAHAHA. i have been place and done things that well, is not really bad but you wouldnt go boasting to your mother in law about! hahahaha

Usually i would tell all but in little amounts.

Anyway, that being said, there is a movie out there called "must love dogs" that had an interesting concept, IF you tell all the the person you are with can make a decision then and there to be with you or not, if you tell later emotions are in the relationship and it get really messy. Better to avoid that and make a clean judgement from the start. BUT that is only when you meet people for the first time.

I like that theory, but it requires BALLS which i hav to admit i lack a little of on occasions.

[jilligirl]

well, i wouldn't tell it to a guy when you're on a first date... lol he might label you.

 

once you get close to someone, though, i mean really close, where a true bond is formed, where mutual trust and respect are present . . . then tell him.

 

a good rule of thumb, though is: when in doubt, don't do it.

[eggnoggin]

On a first date, goodness no. Not unless it was going very badly and I wanted to scare him off. I should try that next time someone gets the wrong idea.

 

No, I know better than that. And I'm not planning on telling anyone now, in fact I'm recently single again, so it's not really pertinent...just something I was wondering about when things started to look a little serious for a while.

 

Mostly I've been trying to figure out why I don't want to share that information with someone I'm in it for the long haul. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about baring souls, but I'm about mystery too...there are certain things that are just better left unknown, in my opinion. Or certain things should be kept...for later...sometimes it's nice to find out something surprising about a partner years later.

[annie24]

well, I think in time you should tell him the whole story, but not until you are sure you two are headed towards a serious (marriage) direction.

 

otherwise, you wouldn't be lying if the topic came up and you said you went through a rough period of your life a few years ago but you got through it and are much better now.