Does my fiance' "like" my friend?

[marijo2480]

Hi everyone- My fiance' and I are getting married in less than four weeks. My fiance' and I were having a conversation about my matron of honor. She's my best friend, and is married. I told him about the fact that she use to be unhappy in her marriage. She's been married once before, and this being the second time around, was difficult on her in the beginning. I made a comment to my fiance' last night about a comment she once made to me before things got better between she and her now husband. That comment she made was that she was jealous of her friends who were in happy marriages with Christian husbands.

 

After I told my fiance' that, he said, "Well, you need to watch out for that." I said "What out? Why would I need to watch out?" Then he said "Because she's wishing she had her friend's Christian husbands." I then told him, since he's diest and not Christian, "But you're not Christian!" By then I was pissed and I asked why he would make a comment like that. I felt that he was trying to tell me that either a) something fishy, although perhaps small, had gone on between them, or, b) something about the situation made him think that she would hit on him.

 

Now here's my question. Am I over-reacting? If so, please explain why. I've tried asking him what he meant by it and he turned it around to say that I should just be watching out for my friend. That's not what he said though, which is why I don't believe him. I just don't understand why "I" would need to watch out.

 

Further background: my friend is very conservative, so I would find it hard that she would be the one to flirt. My fiance' isn't the flirty type, but he is good with women. His history will tell you that! : / Any advice would be helpful.

 

[DN]

I think you are over-reacting to an of-the-cuff remark that was made in reply to something you brought up. Be careful that you don't seem to be jealous over such minor incidents - it will corrode your relationship.

[annie24]

*sigh* it sounds like pre-wedding jitters

 

you said yourself, he is not a christian, so clearly she doesn't have her sights set on your husband. I don't quite see why you are mad at your fiancee though, it doesn't seem like he did or said anything inappropriate. you trust him, you know he's a good guy, just go with that.

 

as for her, just because she said she was jealous of her friend's marriages doesn't mean she will go after them. I think it was a case of "the grass is greener on the other side" and like you said, her marriage is better now.

 

I don't see anything here to be getting worked up about.

 

congrats on the wedding! I bet you are so excited. do you have everything ready to go? all plans solidified?

 

take care!

[rustygirl]

It does seem strange that he says you need to watch out for your friend... well why would you need to watch out, you don't have hordes of men following you around (like a shepard with sheep) where you have to keep an eye out incase a 'wolf' comes along and steals them. Instead you have ONE man whom you're about to marry, so supposedly he is all for you and ONLY you as well. So the only 'sheep' you have to watch out for, is him, and no matter how many wolves are out there... he can only get snatched if he wanders away from you, and at that point there's really nothing you can do about it, so really there is no WATCHING that you need to do at all. RIGHT???? Well, I've noticed that men are prone to saying the wrong things, they don't think like we do. When you tell a guy about this and that and how you feel about the whole issue... they usually tend to say things like, why didn't you do this, or you should do that. This is SO fustrating and we begin to feel like he's not listening to us, or question why he chose that certain phrase, whether or not hes hiding something etc. Because what we want to hear is the emotional side of the issue "Yeah, it is really sad that she had such a hard time in her search for love, I feel really bad about that. But she truly seems happy now and I really think that's great for her. You're really a wonderful friend to have stuck with her through all of that crap. I can understand how she would be jealous of our own happiness." Now he shows he was listenening to you, there were no hidden meanings and you have no worries, no stress (at least about the hidden message) etc.

So my thoughts:

First, he's the guy that loves you. You two are about to be married. He obviously does what he can to make you happy (why else get married?), you two are having a conversation about the Brides maid and he in typical guy style doing his best to prove he's listening and trying to contribute to the conversation ends up saying the wrong thing. You took it the wrong way and through a communication error things got blown out of proportion Now you're thinking all sorts of terrible things.

However... I wasn't there, I didn't hear the conversation, and I don't know either of you, but that is what it sounds like happened to me. HOWEVER... my second thought is that (being a woman myself) his comment does sound weird. There is no way of MY knowing though, whether it was just a guy's wrong choice of words or a hidden warning. Only you can tell that. In order to do that, you have to really think about whether this is the FIRST time he's given you this "He's attracted to your friend" feeling. Have you gotten any hints or signals from your girlfriend. Have you had misgivings or doubts about him BEFORE you started getting wedding jitters. Are the jitters just pointing out an issue that was there before, but you 'just ignored' knowing you were going to be married?

 

Whether you've been with this guy for 6 months, or 6 years... you really need to be aware of your feelings, and trust them. Think about what happened... did he just say a series of wrong things that lead you to think about this... or did you have the misgivings before, and what he said just sort of confirmed in your subconsious these fears you've been having?

 

(Edited: If it was just a miscommunication-okay... if you're truly distressed and worried about it then: see below)

 

Tell him you really need to talk to him... and let him know that you would appreciate it if he didn't say anything at all until you are finished. Sit him down somewhere and ask "Will you please tell me if you are attracted to (Her name here) and whether anything has happened between you two that you don't want to tell me." Then wait, as patiently as you can for his answer... he may rant and rave about other things, about how you wrongly accuse him of that and how he had a slip of the tongue the other day when you were talking and that his shoes need to be shined or whatever... just listen to him and wait for the REAL answer to your question...the only answers that should satisify you to this question would be either a yes/no I am/not attracted to her yes/no nothing/something has happened OR a yes/no I will answer you. If after a while he has not answered you, gently remind him that you are waiting for an answer from him. If you get the yes/no I will answer you. Yes ask- "okay, are you attracted to my friend and has something happened between you two?" and again wait patiently for an answer. if you get a no say- "Okay honey" (or whatever pet name you use) and leave the room (as calmly as possible)... go somewhere you can be alone, he may follow and change his mind about telling you, he may not though, but at least you'd have a chance to really think about whether you are doing the right thing or not. If he tells you one way or another about feelings for his friend or something happening between them... you'll just have to decide whether you trust him, and what it is you are going to do about the matter.

 

Sorry so much, but I hope it helps!

[Maverick32x]

sounds like he made a joke.... the joke was that your friend wanted to be in a relationship that was full of "love" and she saw her friends in "relationships full of love"

When you told your husband this, he figured he would crack a joke that she would "steal him away from you"... when in fact, she probably is really conservative and is the LAST person to EVER do anything like that. thereforeeee, using Irony, to make the joke...

I hope that explains it....

[arwen]

Couldn't he just have meant that you should watch out for friendships in which jealousy is involved? I think you are reading way too much into his comment! Other than your soon-to-be-wedding, are there reasons why this upsets you so much? Have things been good in the relationship, apart from what you think your fiance may have meant by that comment?

 

Ilse

[caro33]

I agree that it sounds like you are perhaps jumping at shadows. I can imagine my fiance saying something similar if he thought a friend of mine sounded jealous of me. Jealously of friends' happiness is kind of unpleasant, even if it's understandable.

 

I had a heartbroken friend I had spent over a year talking to about her marriage breakup, then when I got engaged she cut off all contact. That seems to be it for my friendship with her, which has been really disappointing. My fiance has been outraged that I could be treated like that, and has been very protective of me. Who knows, maybe your fiance was also acting in a protective sense - like 'anyone who could say that and resent your happiness needs to be watched'. Perhaps it's all way out of context by now but that doesn't mean it wasn't his perception.

 

And wedding jitters for me have taken on all sorts of weird guises, I have been jumping at shadows all over the place. Please be gentle on yourself, and on him, at this exciting but stressful time.

 

Do you have any evidence or even gut feeling that they have any particular regard for one another? Any chemistry at all?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd keep them as far apart as possible after the big day, but I do have a problem with clinical paranoia.

[jengh]

More likely than not, he was just joking around and meant nothing by it. But, if you're like me in this sense, you read into everything that could possibly have the slightest chance of meaning something else (negative), you jump the gun and assume the worst. I'm sure it's nothing. Do you have any reason to suspect he would EVER be unfaithful to you? Does he comment on how beautiful other women are?

[birdgirl]

Maybe he was trying to illicit a response from you like, "Well, she can't have you 'cause you're mine!" followed up with a hug and a kiss. Sometimes people will try to invoke a little jealousy for attention, and because mild jealousy feels good and comforting sometimes. And this girl, being your Maid of Honor, should be a safe person to joke about.

 

Mabe I'm reaching....

 

Sometimes people just don't think about how we read into the things they say.

[jilligirl]

yes, you're overreacting. maybe he was saying it in a humorous way (but pretended to be serious about it).

 

or... hm, i dunno, maybe he is trying to give you a hint to watch out for her. maybe he's getting vibes from her and he's trying to tell you that she's not such a good friend?

 

either way-- try no to look too deeply into it. start worrying when you have a better reason to start worrying (e.g. you catch her flirting with him, etc.).

[Rabican]

sounds like you are taking a smart a## remark by him and trying to turn it into something more.

 

Worry about getting your water bill paid on time, not this.