My best friend is cheating on his wife

[Lopez76]

I just found out that my best friend is cheating on his wife. He just got married within the last two months and I was his best man. It turns out this has been going on for six months and has not stopped. My friend definitely has some issues with lying but he thinks he gets away with it.

 

Unfortunately I am in a situation where I cannot confront him even though I really want to kick the snot out of him! For some reason I remember telling him before the wedding that I would come after him if he did anything to hurt her. I really was not kidding.

 

I really don't want to lose him as a friend, but perhaps that's already happened as he has really lost my respect. I really feel awful about this whole thing. She is a very nice girl from a loving family.

 

I am a very honest and truthful person and I think she needs to know about this.

 

What should I do?

 

Thanks

[Scout]

Oh, man, this is such a tough call. And it's also a scenario that has been raised on eNotalone in the past many times, and I STILL don't have a definitive answer when I encounter it.

 

I understand how stressful this must be for you. On the one hand, he's your best friend and you have loyalty there. Plus, what she might not find out might not hurt her, right? On the other hand, this is just wrong, wrong, wrong, and what if his cheating does result in really bad repercussions to her?

 

If I were in your place, I'd really be agonizing over this, too.

 

Why are you not in a position to confront him, by the way? That might help me formulate some actual advice here. Because I'm kind of leaning towards talking to him about this.

[Lopez76]

I can't confront him because of the way I found out about it. We work for the same company and our e-mails are monitored, he must have forgotten about that. Anyway, the contents of his e-mails were leaked to me because of our friendship. The leak is also against company policy which puts me between a rock and a hard place.

[Scout]

You know what, I'd say stay out of this. It was wrong for the person who leaked the contents of the email to do so, and I don't understand why they are even allowed to be in a position to monitor other people's emails if this is what they do with the information. That person should be fired, actually.

 

Talking to your friend at this point is going to result in office BS, which you don't need.

 

At some point, your friend might slip up and reveal what's going on. Then you can decide what to do.

[doyathink]

Why would you have to let him know where you heard this? If there is a way you could talk to him about this and not let him know how or where you learned this then he will know the cat is out of the bag!

[Lopez76]

I definitely want to stay out of the office stuff. The person that leaked it definitely was wrong but it does not change the situation. What if my friend brings home a STD? We are not talking about just morals here.

 

I really don't want to know what I know but how do I act normally in front of this guy?

[Lopez76]

Would just letting the cat out of the bag be a good thing? What does that do? What if it does not change anything?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Any chance he would 'fess up to you if you led the conversation around the right way? I mean, are there problems in his marriage - you seem a bit surprised that he is behaving like this, do you think he feels bad, and wants to talk to someone about it?

 

Otherwise - I don't know; I think that the way you found out would not really be a way you could confront him about. Would you have had any suspicions otherwise?

 

I once had two mutual friends and found out that one was cheating on the other in a similar-ish kind of way (i.e. that there was no way I should know). I agonised and agonised, and in the end let it go. It all worked out eventually because he dumped her (she was cheating) because she was bonkers anyway. But I don't know if I would have said something if they had got married - I probably would have done. But I was closer to him than her, if you see what I mean. In your case, it's your best friend, so I don't know.

 

Sorry, not much good advice there. You could try the route, as I say, of telling him that you think he's not happy, that you think there's something going on, and see if he opens up - that's about all I can think of. Then you could tell him to focus on his marriage and saving that.

 

I've got another thought! You could tell him that you've heard rumours about him and person x - and that you're sure if you've heard, then his wife will hear sooner or later, and be all angry etc. That might freak him out, to know that people know his secret?

 

Good luck with this - it's such a difficult one!

[coollady1957]

Wow, I can certainly she how you are in a rough situation. I would have concern also for his wife in that he could possibly bring home some disease to her from his cheating activity.

 

This is so wrong of him and I wonder why he got married in the first place if he wanted other women and had already been cheating prior to the marriage.

 

Maybe there is a way you can let him know that you know what he is doing. Gosh I don't really know what to advise you to do. It's a touchy situation any which way you go about it.

 

I would certainly hate to see this girl hurt. Either way, she is gonna hurt. The cheating husband she might could get over and move on with her life, If she contracted some STD from him then that would be something she would have to live with the rest of her life.

[trash mail]

do you know the girl that he is having the fling with.

If you do. just say that you heard on the grape vine that he has been having an affair. Remind him what you told him, "you will beat the snot outta him" and as you have heard it his wife might have heard it too. Tell him that you wil not lie if his wife ask you.

THe pressure is on him to change or fess up.

[Scout]

You know, some might not agree with me, but I don't see that you have a moral obligation to make this known to your best friend or his wife.

 

Nevertheless, you probably feel like you do, and fact is, if I was in your situation, I might think I do, too. From an objective standpoint, I don't, but when you're actually in a situation, objectivity often goes out the window.

 

In such cases, I usually turn to prayer and ask God to either take the problem off my shoulders because I don't know how to deal with it, or reveal to me over time how to deal with it.

 

And this usually works!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Heh, I'd write this girl an anonymous letter. You don't want to get in trouble at work, and even though you've lost respect for your friend, you also have some loyalty towards him. But, your conscience is definitely nagging at you, or you wouldn't be on this site questioning what to do. And you seem like a good man, because you know what he's doing is wrong. So many times I've discovered men cheating (not just on me but others I know) and their best friends are usually egging them on to do so or laughing about it when they're told. So kudos to you!

 

Yes, you found out what you did in a way you were not supposed to find out. But the point is, now you know. I'd probably talk to him about it first, friend to friend. But I'd probably tell him that he needs to tell his wife- or you will.

 

Or, like I said, send an anonymous letter.

 

Either way, how could someone do such a thing? How could someone marry someone and have been cheating on them that whole time and prior to that as well? I will never understand people and their destructive behaviors.

[rightfromthestart]

i agree with scout. this has nothing to do with u. stay out of it.

[Iceman26]

Were it me in your shoes, well, I hate to see good people wronged so I would figure out some way to let the wife know without putting yourself in the middle of it.

[marathoner55]

Is there any way you can get word to the mistress that there are rumors flying about the affair? Maybe thru a friend of a friend?

 

I'm not so sure where this would go. I mean, if the mistress cares about him and his marriage, she might call an end to it. On the other hand if she wants him fir her own, she might be totally fine with the rumors getting out and ruining his marriage.

 

I wonder if the mistress is married or single? If married, when someone leaks the possibilitiy of "heard on the street" to her, she might call it off herself, so as not to ruin her own marriage.

 

What do other people think about leaking the rumor to the mistress?

[n83]

I'm not sure that in most cases I would disagree with the sentiment of the other posters, but I do here.. In this case, because they are essentially newlyweds, it might be possible for the marriage to be annulled should the bride learn the truth. So far, she is only 2 months into the marriage and can separate without many legal ties that bind. If she is married to him longer and eventually finds out that she wants to leave him (ie she discovers the cheating a year or even two down the road) not only might she be forced to divorce him after having children, she may also be forced to pay alimony despite HIM being the one who cheated..... happens alot, from what I've heard. I think she has a right to know before she goes another day into this sham marriage. It sounds like she hasn't done anything wrong and, although the truth will hurt, SOMEONE needs to step up to the plate to give her vital information which could literally save her life.

[melrich]

I think you should talk to your friend about it. Don't tell him where you found out, the conversations starts something like this,

 

"Mate, you and I need to have a chat. Don't ask me how but I know you are having an affair with XXXX. Don't bother trying to deny it. I am not going to tell your wife but I am not going to be your friend and stand on the sidelines whilst you conduct this affair. I'm happy to help you resolve things if you need me to but whatever, you need to know that I not going to be standing by as your friend if you continue this."

 

Or words to that effect. I agree with the others. Don't get involved in the marriage or the affair but make it clear what this means to YOUR friendship. That is your duty here. He will work out the rest.

[Rabican]

I think that behavior like this is directly related to the type of person doing it. for example, if I had a best friend who was a rapist, i would not consider them a good person, and would not be their friend. granted cheating, is not that extreme, but still in the neighborhood of bad behavior, which I would then question their character. I would probably tell him that if he doesnt come clean with his wife, that you would tell her yourself.

 

I dunno if you are friends with her as well, but if so then all the more reason to be honest with her and tell her what you know.

[FreeYourMind]

Like everybody says: tough call on this one.

 

Personally if the wife of my best friend mattered to me more than him then I would simply write an anonymous letter (no mail) to her saying that I'm a friend that want to stay in the shadows but who can't stay silent anymore. I would Point to her some facts and maybe the person he's having an affaire with and I would let her decide if it's true or not. In any case I'm sure it would spark suspicion from her and that it will make her look for signs that it might be true. Just saying: "I know you're having an affair with X" could be sufficient for him to confess I'm quite sure

 

Since you're not supposed to know you won't be blamed for it and you will let them sort this out. I know it's tricky but you are in a tricky situation where you could lose a lot more than a friend...