Moving too fasr??

[trash mail]

Hey all,

I am wondering if you guys can help me with an opinion.

I have been dating this woman for slightly over a year and we have travelled all over the world together. As i last counted 14 locations in 12months. I have to say that i love her and she does love me. BUT, there is a reservation on her behalf. I want to move on to the next level with our relationship which is moving in together. For me it is fine for her to live wih me. I want her to meet my family but unfortunately we have been travelling alot we havent been able to do so.

On her side, she thinks that i am moving too fast.

Am i moving too fast? or is she moving too slow. If she has reservations after all this time we have been together is it better to end it? because as i see it, in one year you will know if the person is right for you thus if that is reservations the relationship had better not go further.

We are both over 30.\

What do you think?

[DN]

It doesn't seem to fast if you have been together for a year and are over 30. But she seems to have reservations about the relationship.

 

What do you think motivates her to stay with you but not want to live with you?

[kafka]

Each person is going to have their own take on what is 'too fast' in a relationship.

 

Personally I don't think you are moving too fast at all.

 

IMO traveling can be a very stressful thing to do and it can put a lot of strains on the relationships of the people who are traveling together, so to my mind you two have shown a great deal of compatibility already.

[HappyKat]

because as i see it, in one year you will know if the person is right for you...

 

Have you proposed to her?

[trash mail]

It doesn't seem to fast if you have been together for a year and are over 30. But she seems to have reservations about the relationship.

 

What do you think motivates her to stay with you but not want to live with you?

 

thanks for the quick reply DN , well if i really knew i wouldnt worry about this so much. I dont know. She knows that she has had a great time with me, actually i have had the greatest time of my life with her! This past year was an adventure of a life time and i want to have me adventures with her. for her part she said that she has never had such a great time in her life and that she loves me.

I think that she has this problem with commitment or individualism. I dont know. I'm just shooting in the dark. Unfortunately, i am getting frustrated that i cant hit anything. I love her but if we cant move on, do you guys think i she move on?

 

kafka, yes travelling was stressful and we did met some rel challenges but we were able to somehow het over it especially in places that didnt speak english at all! basically in the 3rd world country! That is my problem, we were able to get past that as a team, but she cant get past this is a team. frustrating!! I want her and i to be a team!

 

HappyKat. No i havent proposed to her, she is definitely not ready for that and neother am i. I would never propose to someone i never lived with and really got to know. Which is what i want. To be a team and to get to know each other better

[Scout]

Ok, your post raises a question for me, and I'm not sure you're going to like what it is.

 

I don't understand how she can travel the world with you for over a year, and still be reserved about moving your relationship to the next level. So, here is my question:

 

Are you paying for most of the travel expenses? And if so, is it possible she's with you because of this opportunity to travel so extensively?

[trash mail]

scout thanks for your reply,

We actually paid for the trips with our own money. Everything was split 50/50 except for special nights out when she or I would "treat" each other.

 

So no, she didnt use me and she doesnt have to, cos she is one smart cookie and has the ability to strive and succeed on her own.

 

As for asking me questons, i would lke to hear it as it gives me an opportunity to look at it from all points.

 

Maybe, that is it, i am laid back, i work hard but i dont strive though i know that i have the potenial I suppose to me life is about love and the people you have around you.

 

Thanks

[Scout]

You're welcome! Geez, I have to say I'm perplexed, then, as to what is holding her back. I mean, it still could be that she enjoys having a travel companion who has the same flexible schedule and disposable income to travel so much as she does. That can't be easy to find. But over a year? It seems to me if you didn't enjoy someone's company a great deal, the relationship wouldn't have extended that long.

 

As a wise person on this board told me once, to get the information you need, you usually have to go directly to the source. Have you flat-out asked her yet what's holding her back/the reasons behind her reservations? If after spending over a year together she can't provide you with that, I'd really start to question her ability to commit.

[trash mail]

You're perplexed, what am I?!?!?!?!

Frustrated!

I have tried the souce, souce is confused! which adds to my confusion.

Sigh.

i love this girl and i want her in my life, but if this step is such a hurdle for her, is it weak of me to say that there is not point? does it say that i do not love her enough?

[Scout]

Again, have you asked her why?

[trash mail]

too big for her.. doesnt feel that she knows me and she really doesnt know. she is confused why she doesnt feel she can take the step

[trash mail]

just for the sake of throwing an idea in the air, what do u think of taking a break for a month with ground rules so she can clearify things in her head.

[Scout]

That's a vague reason, and she owes you a clearer explanation. But if she won't give you one, there's not much you can do to get it. It sounds to me like she loves the fun, the travel...but for whatever reasons, isn't inclined to make a deeper connection.

 

Have you two at least agreed to be exclusive? As in, not see other people?

[trash mail]

yes, we agreed to be exclusive. long time ago.

[kafka]

.. doesnt feel that she knows me.

I think you can discount that excuse right off. What the hell is she doing traveling the globe with a man if she doesn't feel that she knows him?

 

Do you know what her future goals are? Have you, even fleetingly, discussed marriage, children, retirement.... Not strictly in the sense of being together, more in the general sense of what people think of, plan to, etc.

 

she is confused why she doesnt feel she can take the step

What is her relationship history like?

what do u think of taking a break for a month with ground rules so she can clearify things in her head.

Personally I've never been a fan of 'taking a break to clarify things' but it seems to be a popular option for many people. I wonder how many of them end up back together?

[trash mail]

kafka, if we dont get back together after the month then it isnt the right relationship. i would rather that then to striggling on without knowing. We have iscuss mariage, children, career. what people think... hmmm. interacial... asian and european.

History. commitment problems

[Scout]

Hmm, are you hoping that a month off might make her miss you enough to re-evaluate her feelings about living together? If so, you're taking a big risk that usually doesn't pan out the way we hope it will.

 

You two already have some emotional distance issues going on, adding physical distance to the mix is highly unlikely to resolve the problem. In fact, there may not be a happy ending to this story, and a month break could just delay the end.

 

She's had over a year to connect with you on a deeper level, to get to know you...and she hasn't yet. Is there any possible way this could be because you aren't letting her get to know you? Are you really revealing who you are, or as has this relationship largely been based on a fantasy level based on exotic trips all over the world? I mean, we're only hearing one side here, of course.

[trash mail]

scout.

No, i am not taking a month off in hoping she will miss me. I am thinking of taking amonth of to make sure that she wants me. I dont want anyone that doesnt want me. I dont play games, it is a waste of time and effort.

Yes you are hearing one side here and i understand that, but this is what i am sure of, between her and i, i would say that i am far more expressive and emotionally connected.

I know what i want, i want a women that wants me. i dont want a woman that woulld play with me pride. A mans pride is everything, so i would rather her be sure if she stays, if she leaves i would be hurt but my pride is intact as she wasnt the one for me.

To be honest i dont like the month break but what other alternative is there?

I mean, am i moving that fast?? i think not, we have been thru quite alot.

[trash mail]

i suppose i have to go back to the source

[Scout]

i suppose i have to go back to the source

Yes, and ask her what would help her get to know you better. By the way, do you two live in the same town, or are you in a long distance relationship where your trips are primarily the times you spend together?

[Js_Sol]

You might try just settling down for a while and cutting out the travel. Just live close for a while (but not together) and see how much time she spends at your place. As a lot of people say "it just makes sense financially".

 

Maybe she has moral quarrels with the situation. I live with my girlfriend, but I was raised to believe that this was forbidden until marriage. I'm sure you know her religious standpoint, but maybe she has family that would look down on her and she's worried about this.

 

Like I said, I would give it some more time. However, I think there would be less divorces in this country if people just lived together for a while. Have fun on your travels....i'm very jealous!

[trash mail]

thanks guys for all your replies, i really appreciate it.

We've had after a long weekend and with our nerves raw from considering ending this relationship. We had our tempers flare, grit teeth and "i don't want to talk to you about this anymore".

We have come down to the conclusion that we have different expectations of a relationship and where about in the relationshp we both stand.

I suppose i thought our relaitonship had moved further on and thus expected the relationship to have a certain level of expectations and loyality etc.

But to her she is still getting to know me, so i have figure out that the relationship is still at the early stages for her and i understand it is a trust factor for her. That is where the friction lies.

I have to thank you guys for giving me a different point of view so i can assess and understand where she was coming from before blowing up.

As we are able to see the problem i hope that we are able to solve it. Endig it will be such a shame as i love this women.

[silky88]

some people just REALLY like their private personal space. i know that my boyfriend does. we love each other dearly, and spend a couple of nights a week together after dating for about ten months, but it will probably be a while before we move in together, because he's not ready.

 

i'm fine either way. i have lived with three boyfriends before, so the idea of sharing my space is not scary to me. at the same time, i am comfortable with his discomfort with the idea, if that makes sense. after all, we have the rest of our lives ahead of us -- why rush? i'm not desperate for constant company, nor in financial straits, and i'm enjoying our taking it slowly after i've rushed in all my other relationships.

 

if the two of you see a future together, there should be no hurry to "take it to the next level." you aren't on a timeline, especially if both of you know that neither is ready for marriage. once you live together, there is really no going back to the "dating phase" of just seeing each other when it is convenient.

 

i'd say: don't push the issue. don't make her feel bad for wanting to take it as slowly as she needs to. my guy has never lived with anyone before, and who am i to make the decision that he should be ready to try it? it's like deciding to have sex with someone or get married or have a child with someone; there should be no pressure.

 

relationship milestones should come at a pace where it seems natural to both partners. and it's up to the partner who feel ready earlier to make it a no-stress decision, not an argument, for the slower one.

 

just my humble opinion

[trash mail]

Hey silky88.

THanks for our advice. It really hit the nail on the head. Only, i have a feeling it is over.

i made a big mistake and tried to rush her. I didnt even realise that iw as doing that and now she is really not into the relationship. I now feel like such an * * * for trying to rush her into tis decision. i only wish he had listened to my mistakes that i have admitted. and reconsider. Sigh. We agreed to think about us being together for the next 4 days and come out ith an answer. I have a feeling the horizon is grey and storm clouds are forming.

 

It was me the suggesed the ending of our relationship now she is using the reason that i made for us to end the relaitonship.

What i said was true about us tat she has a porblem with commitment and the TEAM, but there is one important thig that i left out. I love her.

 

How would i convience her that it is worth saving. After all, i am willing to slow the relationship down and take our time then to end a relationship and regret of both of us losing each other without trying.

[Ellie2006]

Hey Trashmail,

 

Sorry for the pain you're going through right now. I was going to agree w/Silky 88's advice. Maybe the conflict your gf had was *not* about moving on to the next step in your relationship but about living together, which she might have only considered doing *after* she's married.

 

But don't give up hope since you guys agreed to revisit the matter in a couple days. Hang in there!