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My mom is gone... please take the time to read this....


manda.
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Hi.. this is my very first post ever... Im not even really sure what it is that I need to say.....

 

My mother died 1 week ago. She had been battling lung cancer for 10 months... had actually been doing very well... none of the chemos had worked.. but she was still 'Mom', ya know?

 

She started going downhill really noticably about a month ago... unable to fully take care of herself... she would be just fine at times.. but... at others... she was disoriented... unable to feed herself... unable to stand or walk without assistance... it was very strange. It was like... she would drift in and out of reality...

 

I had been staying with her... leaving my husband and my job.. as much as possible. She wasn't always okay... but... it wasnt to the point that I was really, really worried, ya know? Her recent scans had showed improvement wiht her new chemo... her bloodwork was great... I just thought that it was the treatments... wearing her down...

 

I went to her house to stay with her for a few days.... I got there on a Monday evening... she was sleeping... she slept all through the night... but was able to communicate with me, if I spoke with her.

 

Tuesday... she slept almost all day... but was able to sit up... she ate a little bit.. even though I had to feed her...

 

Wednesday... she had a doctor's appointment... she was very disoriented that morning... falling asleep while i was dressing her... unable to remember where we were going... she couldnt stay awake.

Her doctor said that he thought it was time for hospice care.. that her body just couldnt handle the chemo.. and that he didnt think there was more to be done... other that just making sure she was comfortable.

 

Thursday... Hospice came... sat up a hospital bed in her living room... put her on oxygen... gave her stronger pain meds. At this point.. she couldnt even sit up on her own... she wouldnt speak... would barely grunt when you asked for her attention.

We stayed up with her all night.. my husband and i , taking turns....

 

somehow i summoned the courage to tell her that it was okay... that.. she didnt have to worry about me... that i would be fine.... and that she could go.. whenever she was ready. that was the absolute hardest thing... i've ever tried to say in my life. It felt like i was giving up on her.

 

She had been totally non-responsive for most of the night... her head and hands were limp... they would just fall aside if you moved them.

 

Friday morning... it was just the two of us... i was sitting beside her bed... holding her hand.. rubbing her head... and she gripped my hand... she held my hand!! I was so excited.... but then... she just gently let go.... and that was it... she was gone.

 

I feel numb. I cried and cried when it happened... I broke down at her funeral... but... I just feel that it hasnt hit me yet... ya know? Like... even if i tell myself... she's gone... please please accept it... something inside of me just cant. I dont know what to do....

 

My mom was my best friend... I cant imagine what a huge void there will be in my life... when things return to regular routine.... I just dont know that to do.

If anyone can help me.....

 

manda.

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manda, I'm so so so sorry to read about the loss of your mother.

 

There are a well known set of guidelines called "The 5 Stages of Grief."

 

1) Denial

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance

 

It could be that you are in the first stage, and are in denial.

 

What worked for me in times past was to surround myself with friends and people who cared deeply for me. I leaned on them when I needed to. At work, even though I felt empty, I tried my best. I never forced anything, and just rode the feelings out. I never hesitated to play sad music and cry my heart out.

 

It's not easy at first, but it does get better.

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*hugs* *and more hugs* Im sorry. I know how a mother is the most important person in one's life, especially if you're a girl. But no matter what happened, life goes on for you, and I know that your mom would want you to move on and be happy and cherish sweet memories you and her had journeyed through together. Right now, it might be hard, but eventually you'll learn to accept it.its all a matter of time. Just be strong manda? God is with you. and know that she'll always be with you... I'll give you the biggest hug if I see you so you wont be so sad. Do take care

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Hi there,

 

I don't know what to say except in time you will begin to move on. The first 6-7 months are the hardest. You somehow believe they will come back. Or you don't 'believe it'... it's more like you 'feel' it. Probably because you have had that person in your life all of your life.

 

The way that your mum went sounds humane and it sounds like she was at peace when she did. I think the thing that you did by telling her you will be alright was a very brave thing. In that sense, you let her go.

 

Perhaps it would be a good idea to google 'grief'... i do believe there are a lot of resources available on the topic.

 

Losing your mum would be hard at the best of times, but losing her to cancer must have been hard. A friend of mine lost hers to the same thing and it took her some time to get over it. But i think it comes in stages. Your understanding of it will ebb and flow over time.

 

They say the biggest growth comes from death. Another thing, when a certain person close to me died suddenly, i realised i had to do something with the emotional bonds i had felt for that person ,(eg. you had a connection with that person and all of a sudden you realise you have to ground or place that emotional connection somewhere else). That is a stage that comes later though, right now you need to go through the immediate grieving.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.

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Im so sorry to hear of your loss, my thoughts and sympathies are with you. Sounds like your mother was a very brave lady and you are too. Please take comfort in the fact that you was with your mother right up until the end, and she knew you were there with her and would have felt comfort and peace at that.

I lost my father aged 15 and never got the chance to say goodbye or tell him that i loved him. I do believe though that theres more than just this life and his spirit is out there somewhere watching over us still.And he lives on in my children,they look so much like him it is a big comfort to me.

The grieving process is a long one with many stages, you will go through so many different emotions. From feeling in denial to sad, to angry and cheated, lonely and despairing at times. The only thing i can really say is an old cliche but so true. Time is the greatest healer. Just take one day at a time and hold on to all of your happy memories. Believe me, it is a long way off yet, but eventually the day will come when you wake up and think of your mother and actually smile and not shed a tear. Im sure your husband will give you the support you deserve and need but remember if you do need anyone there are some very good bereavment counsellers out there. I found music helped me i would listen to song lyrics and they really helped get through some tough times. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this tough time,and once again im so sorry that you are going through this right now x x x

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somehow i summoned the courage to tell her that it was okay... that.. she didnt have to worry about me... that i would be fine.... and that she could go.. whenever she was ready. that was the absolute hardest thing... i've ever tried to say in my life. It felt like i was giving up on her.

 

you're so very brave. but you loved her to her last breath and you let her know everything was going to be okay. i hope i can be as strong as you if i'm ever in the same situation.

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Awwww Sweetie... sending you lots of cyber ((((((HUGS))))))).

 

Someone mentioned the 5 stages of grieving. You might want to go to AMAZON and look up a book or two on grieving. You will go through all 5 stages. Somehow... its almost a non-negotiable thing. Some go through the stages to a greater or lesser degree. Some stay stuck on one of the stages for a while. But you will... get through them. and you will... move on.

 

Your mother will always be with you. She'll be the whisper you hear in the wind. She'll be there just before sunrise... and at dusk. She'll be in the bloom of the first spring flowers. She'll be on the breeze of a summer night. She'll be in the rustle of the Autumn leaves and she'll be in the Crytaline of the Winter snow. Mom will always be part of you and in your heart. Thats where her love resides. In your heart.

 

When you need to cry... let it go. But remember to laugh because she loved hearing that so.

 

I'm a mom... and the greatest gift we give to our kids is Life. Your mother would want you to cry yourself a river... build a bridge and get over it. Go on.. and LIVE your life. Be happy because she is now at peace.

 

(((( HUGS))))))

 

Love and Light....

 

Skye

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Last night , after posting .... i sat down... in the floor... in my living room... alone & in the dark...

 

I talked to my Mom as if she were right there with me... She was always the one I ran to when I needed a shoulder to cry on.. so... I'm thinkin.. maybe that doesnt hafta change.... Is that weird? am I crazy?

 

I cried for almost 2 hours...totally freaked my dogs out... woke my husband up...used ALL the kleenex in the house... but it was totally worth it... somehow I feel better today.. a little lighter maybe.

 

I dunno how.. but... just posting my story made me feel better... and then waking up this morning to all of the loving responses... Thank you all... so very much.

 

Im sooo not close to being okay with this... but... I do feel a lil better. One step at a time, right? Oddly... crying my heart out... is a much better feeling that the sense of numbness i've been dealing with.

 

thanks.

manda.

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I talked to my Mom as if she were right there with me... She was always the one I ran to when I needed a shoulder to cry on.. so... I'm thinkin.. maybe that doesnt hafta change.... Is that weird? am I crazy?

 

No your not crazy. When my husband died I did the same, even now 4 years later I still talk to him, I get moments when I still feel he is here with me and looking out for me. It's a good, safe feeling and one which is very much welcome.

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Hi Manda. Welcome to eNotAlone .You have found a wonderful place with lots of great people . Your first post brought tears to my eyes. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, and please accept my condolences. I lost my husband to a sudden and unexpected death not quite three years ago, so I can truly understand some of the things you are feeling.

 

Thankfully both my parents are still living so I have never had to suffer a loss in that respect.

 

You will certainly go through so many emotions and feelings during your grieving process. There will be good days and bad days, they will come and go. You will feel at times as though you are better and then suddenly you will have another bad day. It is normal.

 

Take a day at a time, for sure. Getting from that denial stage to the acceptance stage can be such a roller coaster of emotions. Everyone grieves at a different rate of time, some shorter and some longer than others.

 

I felt in my case that the anger stage was one of the most difficult levels of grief to muster through. I am sure though that for some people , some other stage may be the most difficult.

 

Yes, do allow yourself to cry, scream, or whatever lets out your emotions. Talk to friends, family or your ENA friends here. If you somehow feel that your grief process is overwhelming you, then seek out support groups or even counseling if you feel out of control with the process.

 

I am glad you are feeling better today after posting about your mother. Sometimes just getting those feelings out is such a release . You are not crazy for talking to your mother , even though she is not physically here, I somehow feel she knows what are you saying to her.

 

There are still times even now, that I will have a little talk with my husband. Sometimes I just have something funny to say , or maybe it is just sentiment about something we shared from the past.

 

You mom would definitely want you to live happy and well after her passing. I know my husband always told me that he didn't want me to grieve myself into a dark hole if something ever happened to him.

 

There will always been sentimental and difficult days to get through. Time does eventually help us deal with it better. So take your moment by moment and day by day to go through your grief. Try not to force it or look too far ahead. If you have to take baby steps to get through this, then that is fine. Just seek as much support as you are comfortable with.

 

Talk to us here on ENA as much as you want . There are so many people here willing to lend an ear and offer advice and thoughts.

 

Take care dear,,,,,,, Coollady1957 {{{{ HUGS to you ! }}}}

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Your mother will always be with you. She'll be the whisper you hear in the wind. She'll be there just before sunrise... and at dusk. She'll be in the bloom of the first spring flowers. She'll be on the breeze of a summer night. She'll be in the rustle of the Autumn leaves and she'll be in the Crytaline of the Winter snow. Mom will always be part of you and in your heart. Thats where her love resides. In your heart.

 

(((( HUGS))))))

 

Love and Light....

 

Skye

 

Grief is a hard and strange thing.We all are tought to eat, walk, smile , read and write. But we never are tought this. This comes from with in.

 

I lost my Aunt today at 1.20pm only 58 to cancer, after being diagnosed 4 weeks ago.

 

I love the quote - thanks.

 

 

 

 

Scruff

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Grief is a hard and strange thing.We all are tought to eat, walk, smile , read and write. But we never are tought this. This comes from with in.

 

I lost my Aunt today at 1.20pm only 58 to cancer, after being diagnosed 4 weeks ago.

 

I love the quote - thanks.

 

 

 

 

Scruff

 

Scruff,

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. 58 is very young.

 

I tell my children a bed time story every night about how they came to being. They were little angels and living in heaven with God. One of the things angels do is go to Angel school. And they work really hard to learn "all" of thier lessons. One day... God turned on the "big screen" tv and showed them lotz of parents here on earth. And he let them choose which journey they would take. My angels, chose ME!!! lol.. can you believe of all the mom's in the world they chose me??? WoW!! and the story goes from there....

 

I'd like to think we're all here for a reason. We're here to get our WINGS. We're here to grow and learn... and at times to teach. We touch each others lives in countless ways. People walk into our life for a reason, and they stay for a season or a lifetime. When the person has done what they've been sent here to do.. then they go on to their next journey. They've graduated. They've earned their wings.

 

Your aunt... did what she was sent here to do and now she's onto another fabulous journey. You'll be seeing to her funeral in a few days...

make sure you Celebrate her life. Celebrate and remember how absolutely wonderful she "IS".... as she goes back home, I'm sure angels of those near and dear who have gone before will be lighting her way.

 

Peace to you and your's poster.

 

And I'm glad you liked my quote above. Sometimes.... I'm inspired.

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Time will be your greatest healer. The pain will never fully go away, but one day you'll be able to laugh again and remember your mom without crying. You are a wonderful daughter, and your mom is very lucky to have had you by her side. I'm sure she was very proud of you.

 

I am so, so sorry. I hate cancer.

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Dear Manda,

 

I agree a 100% with Skye. I recently read Elizabeth Edwards book and what she told someone who has recenlty lost their mother and was in so much pain. From a mother to a child: " There was never a point in my parenting you when I would have chosen hurt you the way you hurt now. And I grieve to think that in death I have caused you this pain...I meant to give you life, to give you joy for life. And when I died, knowing I had done all I knew to do to give you that joy, I dided satisfied. My most important work was done. And now my death undoes that, unwraps my work, and leaves you without the tethers to character and strenght and compassion that I worked so hard, so lovingly, to tie. But, son, the best of me did not die. I gave thebest of me to you. All I valued and all I cherished, all I knew and all I dreamed, I gave to you. It can die, of course, if you let it. Or it can live the full and magnificient life I hoped for you. .... My legacy - my life's work - is in your hands. Take hold of life, son. It is all I really hoped for in life or in death."

 

Manda, you mom wants you to be happy again and I know in time, that reason will bring you to life back again. She will always be with you.

 

I will pray for you and I am here if you need me.

 

Sincerely... A big hug

 

Marta

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  • 4 weeks later...

i lost my mom 4 years ago and i am sooooo sorry for your loss. it's hard to imagine that life will ever be the same.....but eventually "time heals all wounds"....i don't know if i'll ever be able to talk about her or visit her grave without crying and feeling sad, but it has gotten better over the years. talk to people that are caring and will listen with a shoulder to cry on.

hugs to you.....

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