manda.

Last night , after posting .... i sat down... in the floor... in my living room... alone & in the dark... I talked to my Mom as if she were right there with me... She was always the one I ran to when I needed a shoulder to cry on.. so... I'm thinkin.. maybe that doesnt hafta change.... Is that weird? am I crazy? I cried for almost 2 hours...totally freaked my dogs out... woke my husband up...used ALL the kleenex in the house... but it was totally worth it... somehow I feel better today.. a little lighter maybe. I dunno how.. but... just posting my story made me feel better... and then waking up this morning to all of the loving responses... Thank you all... so very much. Im sooo not close to being okay with this... but... I do feel a lil better. One step at a time, right? Oddly... crying my heart out... is a much better feeling that the sense of numbness i've been dealing with. thanks. manda.

Hi.. this is my very first post ever... Im not even really sure what it is that I need to say..... My mother died 1 week ago. She had been battling lung cancer for 10 months... had actually been doing very well... none of the chemos had worked.. but she was still 'Mom', ya know? She started going downhill really noticably about a month ago... unable to fully take care of herself... she would be just fine at times.. but... at others... she was disoriented... unable to feed herself... unable to stand or walk without assistance... it was very strange. It was like... she would drift in and out of reality... I had been staying with her... leaving my husband and my job.. as much as possible. She wasn't always okay... but... it wasnt to the point that I was really, really worried, ya know? Her recent scans had showed improvement wiht her new chemo... her bloodwork was great... I just thought that it was the treatments... wearing her down... I went to her house to stay with her for a few days.... I got there on a Monday evening... she was sleeping... she slept all through the night... but was able to communicate with me, if I spoke with her. Tuesday... she slept almost all day... but was able to sit up... she ate a little bit.. even though I had to feed her... Wednesday... she had a doctor's appointment... she was very disoriented that morning... falling asleep while i was dressing her... unable to remember where we were going... she couldnt stay awake. Her doctor said that he thought it was time for hospice care.. that her body just couldnt handle the chemo.. and that he didnt think there was more to be done... other that just making sure she was comfortable. Thursday... Hospice came... sat up a hospital bed in her living room... put her on oxygen... gave her stronger pain meds. At this point.. she couldnt even sit up on her own... she wouldnt speak... would barely grunt when you asked for her attention. We stayed up with her all night.. my husband and i , taking turns.... somehow i summoned the courage to tell her that it was okay... that.. she didnt have to worry about me... that i would be fine.... and that she could go.. whenever she was ready. that was the absolute hardest thing... i've ever tried to say in my life. It felt like i was giving up on her. She had been totally non-responsive for most of the night... her head and hands were limp... they would just fall aside if you moved them. Friday morning... it was just the two of us... i was sitting beside her bed... holding her hand.. rubbing her head... and she gripped my hand... she held my hand!! I was so excited.... but then... she just gently let go.... and that was it... she was gone. I feel numb. I cried and cried when it happened... I broke down at her funeral... but... I just feel that it hasnt hit me yet... ya know? Like... even if i tell myself... she's gone... please please accept it... something inside of me just cant. I dont know what to do.... My mom was my best friend... I cant imagine what a huge void there will be in my life... when things return to regular routine.... I just dont know that to do. If anyone can help me..... manda.