I seem to intimidate even men with good jobs...dont understand...

[esboogie143]

When dating for some reason I have learned that before having the guy come to my house he's soooo into me in every way....looks, personality , witts for they looooove these things aboout me but when they actually come to my home and see how I live I feel it sets them back. They know im very independent , make good money, beautiful car and its like it hits them.....These are guys with professions and all and this has been since i started the dating thing....its just sad to me that just because I will NEVER need a man they get intimidated....and mind u they stay calling and wanting to eat, meet up and all....OMG...How can I forget the main thing...they know im a good girl and i guess they are all "bad boys" and dont want to hurt me Any advise...?

[agent1607307371]

There have been studies that show that (some) men prefer women who they don't see as successful and intelligent as them because they want someone who will be the "lesser" member of the relationship and not threaten their sense of self.

 

What I reccommend is that you forget these guys and try to meet men who are much more confident and at peace with themselves and who will see your strength as a plus.

 

 

How much do you think you come of as never needing a man though? Everyone likes to feel needed - though I wouldn't recommend you sublimate yourself to get a man..

[Batya33]

I am a successful/educated professional, financially independent, have been so for the last 12 years. I typically date men from my profession. I live similar to you and in a major city (but I do not drive). I have never had the issue you describe and, indeed, my dating life improved when I went into this field (I used to work with young children). The men appreciate that I am independent, reasonably sophisticated, etc.

 

Here is one thing I would consider - think carefully about what vibes you give off when you have the man over - are you giving off the vibe of pride in what you own, is your home welcoming and cozy? I am sure you've considered all this. I think it is easier to be in "our" situation in a larger city where perhaps the people who live there are more openminded including about women being at that kind of level.

[tylercdurden2004]

I have seen many posts on this subject lately. Although Ii dont understand how a person or man in this case can be intimidated by you material possessions and your career it is very possible that there are some men out there who are.

 

The thing I think might be more worthwhile looking at is your attitude or as the above poster says "vibes." I suspect in these cases it has more to do with the girls attitude that it does her "success." I mean would you date a guy who had a fancy car just because he had a fancy car? Would you date a guy just because he had a good job? Same goes or most men.

 

If indeed you feel you do not NEED a man this may be the vibes you are giving off, even if you dont feel like you are. Quite frankly the statement confuses me because I am unsure about what you mean when you say you dont NEED a man? What is it about a man you dont need? His money? His string arms to fix things? or Do you mean you dont need a man as emotional fulfillment? As an intimate partner? What does needing or better yet WANTING a man entail to you?

[Scout]

I am not someone who subscribes to the belief that most men are intimidated by successful and/or intelligent women. In fact, anyone that has ever really fallen for me has always made a point of mentioning that they were attracted to my intelligence. (I'm not saying I'm a whiz kid, but I take an interest in many things, like to read, so I am capable of holding well-rounded conversations about any number of topics.)

 

Not to discount what you're feeling, it could be the kind of guys you're attracted to really are intimidated by your success, but if this is the case, then you're seeking out the wrong kinds of guys. In my opinion, based on experience, most men do not want a dumb fluffy little chick. The ones that do have a very skewed idea of women, and you don't want to waste your time on these men.

 

Why not go after the good guys, instead of the bad guys, as you state these men are in your first post? That would be a good start to changing your dating luck.

[Scout]

its just sad to me that just because I will NEVER need a man they get intimidated....

 

And one other thing...how do you know they see this? By viewing the possessions you own? Or do you ever happen to verbally communicate this? Because if you are saying things like this, then that's going to scare off men who might think you're a man-hater.

[annie24]

I agree with scout -

 

yes, while I do think that some men are intimidated by strong women, I see that there are many men who aren't. I have female friends who are PhD candidates, have their PhDs, have an MBA, or have an MD, or even a combination of those, and they have long-term boyfriends, fiances, and husbands.

 

so.... that means that ALL men can't be intimidated by intelligent women.

 

the ones that do want a "dumb fluffy little chick" (nice phrase scout! ), well, you don't want those guys either.

 

esboogie - I've been following your posts for a while... I hope you don't take this wrong, but do you think that it's entirely due to them being intimidated by your job? I've noticed you tend to fall for guys who aren't as into you as you are them.... I've been in similar situations at times, and i've noticed if i start showing a guy more interest than he shows me, he gets turned off and backs away, and the relationship collapses soon after. Maybe your awesome job plays a role, but like you said, if even guys with great jobs are getting "intimidated", maybe there is another reason they are backing off?

[Scout]

esboogie, not to bombard your thread with too many posts from me, but your situation got me thinking about another thread, and the response I posted, which I'm copying below. If you want more detail on what "The List" can do to improve your dating life, feel free to PM me anytime. I did go through a period of time where I was involved with guys who were sketchy about the idea of commitment, and so I can relate to your dilemma. I honestly don't think it's about you being successful.

[Dako]

I've never been intimidated by successful women, and to be blunt, I wonder if something else sends them packing. Perhaps it's not them. Of course I can only guess based on your posts, but if a woman made such an issue of her material wealth, it would turn me off, almost as much as her lack of interest in men.

[esboogie143]

First, I want to thank you ALL for ur responses, opinions and thoughts. I have to say just one thing...After I read my own post after it being posted i realized that I just get involved with the "wrong" guys. Wrong meaning that I continue seeing someone even after knowing that they DONT want a committment from the start but I continue it....In regard to my home and all the other crap , I couldnt care less about anything as long as i have food on my table BUT as i posted i just feel that im too much of a good woman for these bad guys but theres only one person to blame for that and thats ME! Bottom line the guys who I get involved with arent on my level and ready for that step that i want to take....nothing more nothing less....BUT i'll learn.....

 

Thanks again!

[Batya33]

Why does it make the guy bad if he doesn't want a commitment with you? Are you a bad woman when you don't want to commit to a particular guy?

[DN]

The thing is you seem to have a general contempt for men. What does 'on my level' mean, for instance? What sort of level are you on to be able look down on those that are beneath you?

 

How would you feel if a man decided you were not on his level?

 

Perhaps if you were to readjust your thinking to accept men generally as equals and then look for one who wants the same things as you do without demeaning anyone it may get you further towards what you want.

 

This may not be what you intended people to think by your post but if you are giving the same impression to men you meet that may explain your problem.

[Batya33]

It sounds to me that when a man rejects her she rationalizes it by saying the were not on her level anyway. Not a great idea because it can build up general contempt/cynicsm for men - I agree.

[gersanos]

Hi

 

I can't really break this apart as relationships are already complicated as is, however, I do think that this is the female equivalent of the nice guy syndrome theory. I know plenty of women that have a lot going for them, and many say that they can't find a man. I mean, they're educated, smart, intelligent, funny, social, attractive, etc. The list just goes on, and that list is pretty much full of positives. Honestly. It's pretty hard to find a negative.

 

I hear these quips on almost a weekly basis in the office I work in. I think many of these girls are "cool" and attractive, however, I would not date them. Many of the guys I work with would not date them. When we're at a client/corporate outing and drinking then I start getting ideas...but sober, no way. Why? Eh, I could name a few things about each one, nothing terrible, but it boils down to me not being into them I guess.

 

I really have not pinpointed why. I mean, the list of positives is huge. But then I think about it. I'm looking for someone to date/be with. I'm not looking to hire someone to fill a position in the firm. I don't care if she is good in social events, or that she has a degree from Ivy, or she is a hard worker and puts in the hours, or she takes initiative, ad infinitum. I don't view dating that way. I look for someone that is cute and we click. Then, do we grow together? Meaning, does she have the qualities that I look for in a woman? Which, are not the same qualities I look for when we have a position open and candidates start sending in resumes.

 

Many guys who claim to be victims of the nice guy syndrome say this stuff all the time. And the response they get is not different than what you receive: "You're great and all...but something is missing." And sometimes that something is hard to explain. But sometimes, it might just be intimidating. Think about it. You are financially independent, you are educated, you are attractive, you own a great home, a great car, nice clothes, etc. To the average guy, this can be interpreted as "what can I offer her?" And, they begin to look elsewhere.

 

I think you will find someone, however, I do believe that you have a smaller pool of candidates to work from. There are men out there that will appreciate you for you. It may take some time, but it will be worth the wait.

[tylercdurden2004]

I think it has to do more with "social" skills than anything else. Being able to click with someone is just that, mixed in with a few other things. Having money, great job intelligence etc mean very little when it comes to relationships great bonuses maybe but something to build a relationship on, nah.

 

Its like when I hear people moaning about people who find looks important. Often these moaners try to take the "high road" by stating they look for intelligence etc instead of looks. You hear the phrase "looks fade" as a justification. Well last time I checked intelligence fades, money fades, looks fade etc.

[Spugly Fuglet]

odd you 1st and last post, I can see what lies at tne hart of this.

 

"its just sad to me that just because I will NEVER need a man"

 

I know what your saying but its still odd to me that your looking for a man when as you say you will never NEVER one.

 

could I ask is your choice of men so for be a subcanshus way of protecting that need to never need a man by picking the very men who run from you. that way you get to keep them but have a exit root you can triger in them when you star needing them. Freedom and controll has a price thow lonlyness.

 

may be you should need a man.

 

your last post was about controll as we'll. laying the blame on your safe and saying I must do better do in face negate your need to act better.

 

"o will at happoned again, but what could I exspect knowing me as I do saylav."

 

deep inside you fear of comitment lies at the root of elationship missis and needs.

 

but what do I know

 

spugly

[gersanos]

Its like when I hear people moaning about people who find looks important. Often these moaners try to take the "high road" by stating they look for intelligence etc instead of looks. You hear the phrase "looks fade" as a justification. Well last time I checked intelligence fades, money fades, looks fade etc.

 

I really like that, and it makes so much sense. Everyone just likes to shoot angles and rationalize their position, when in reality, you cannot rationalize love. Bottom line are two ingrdients: chemistry and compatability. Break it down even further: two people who click.

 

I have dated hot women where sex was great, but beyond that I felt empty. Makeup, shopping, and how pretty you are is great but I don't care. I've dated girls with smarts, which I said I wanted, but they bore me to death. I don't care about your degrees, career, etc. Same goes with girls with cash: it feels great at first to be spoiled and pampered, but, it does get old fast. In the end, the girls who I am friends with, many of which possess a myriad of qualities (some smart, some not, others hot, some not really, etc.) is really the pool that I see myself settling down with because I get along with them.

 

I can act like an imbecile, she can make fun of me, I can call her names, etc., and nobody gets offended and we laugh together. It's hard to explain in words, but, we just have a blast when we're together, and money, looks, smarts, education, etc., all those things don't really matter like you mentioned. You get along with someone, and you'll find ways to deal with life. Education, money, looks, etc., won't hurt you in any way, as those are all positives, but ancillary nonetheless.

[tylercdurden2004]

I was going to actually say it my last post but the only thing that doesnt fade is emotions. These occur until you die including humour. EVeryone retains there humour to some degree.