A Difficult Decision - But I Think I've Made It

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hello everyone,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is 21, I am 18. I don't have the energy for much prose tonight so I'll break it down like this

 

-In Bullet Points.

 

My Relationship Now:

-Is harmonius as in we have never argued, but never boring

-Is healthy and beneficial, I believe, for both of us

-Loving and as open as anyone human could expect

-Excellent and completely comfortable sexually

-Completely accepting of each other with no manipulation nor overt damaging jealousy

-He has his own house, car and a degree, and will shortly be looking for a job

-I have about 9 months left in college, shortly after that...I could go to University.

 

The Situation Causing Conflict:

-If I want to apply for university, I have to do so in the next 1-2 months

-I never had a burning urge to go, but might feel as though I've missed out by not going

-In addition, I was always influenced by the view that as I'm an intelligent girl I shouldn't waste my potential, etc

-But...there is nothing I want to do more, and frankly I don't want to work. And having a degree never hurt anyone, and I DO enjoy Philosophy at college, and am expected to obtain an A grade overall.

-Plus, unlike 90% of others in my situation, my parents will completely fund any Uni experience I chose to undertake - it seems silly not to accept 3 years of a fairly easygoing lifestyle for no cost with a degree at the end?

 

HOWEVER . . . I know that I love my boyfriend more than anyone I have ever known. I see him 2-3 nights/days a week, and even after a year, I am madly infatuated, as well as loving him emotionally and physically.

 

Neither of us are overly clingy, but we have both talked frankly of marrying each other in the long run.

 

Even if I were to go to a Uni 2 hours or so away, I have the feeling that whilst we would be faithful to each other, it'd be devastating to both of us. No exaggeration. I may well be a young fool in love, but as I don't have any burning career aspirations, and I can go to education when I'm 22, for example, but can't put a relationship on hold for that long...I'm essentially saying I'm not going because of a guy, but does that make me stupid, or merely wise when you consider the strength of our relationship, the failure rate of LDRs and the fact I never especially aspired to be a graduate?

 

Am I lovestruck lunatic who needs to get a life?

[Day_Walker]

Life has a way of cancelling plans then making new ones just realize that what you want at 18 is not what you want at 21 and what you want at 21 is not what you want at 25. No one knows what will happen all we can do is make the choices that we want to make and live with the consequences.

[babypink61]

Honestly, two hours is not bad at all. You can still see him on weekends! My bf had to move 1.5 hours away because of work and we're still doing fine. We take turns visiting each other. I just don't think that you show throw away your education opportunities for your relationship. You should be able to have both of them at the same time!

[onewithbooks]

The only thing that you want to consider is that it is not nearly as easy to go back at 22 as it is to keep going. Trust me on this. I was forced to break from getting my degree at 22 and it took awhile for me to get back to it. Now at 26, I am hoping to be done by 29.

[rightfromthestart]

"there is nothing I want to do more"

 

follow your dreams. that is what anyone that ever cared or loved you would want you to do.

[agent1607307371]

There are times the uni lifestyle can be incredibly laidback, but there are also times when the courses can be incredibly stressful....

 

And just because it may seem that everyone your age is going, doesn't mean they are...

 

If you don't have a burning desire to go to uni now, and have a good thing going with your man then I don't see any problem. Your desires don't seem to be in any great conflict here.

 

I let myself go with the flow and got onto a course that I enjoyed. But if I'm honest, I missed out on the experience by not being ready to go. If I'd left it even a year I would have had a better time.

[Heartshock]

I agree with Agent! Going off to Uni when you don't have a real desire to be there, doesn't seem like the right road for you just yet. Come your final year, you will have to work harder than you've ever worked before and unless you have the will and the commitment to make it work, it is just going to be painful without positive benefit.

 

When you go to university I think it is important to know exactly what you want out of the experience. Im sure this is different for every-one, but this knowledge will provide the catylyst to keep on going when the going gets tough and believe me, there are days when it will. Whether its the studies or the people some days will seem less rosy than others.

 

My brother did his degree when he was 24 and by that time he knew what he wanted out of this achievement and was clear about why he was there.

 

At the age of 18 I didn't want to work either and spent many years working part time, looking at the clock for home time. I wish that I had begin to search for the right job for me a long time ago. Two years I found what I wanted to do, and love going to work. I now work a 40 hourweek, happily and wished I hadn't believed that work was meant to be drag and pain, for so many years. From your mail I'm not sure if 3 years of study is quite right for you right now. Still, keep your eyes open for what interests you and what you might want to study in the future.

 

Or maybe your path doesn't lie with degree. Who knows? Your feelings are saying that this isn't a road that you are dying to go down. I would trust your instincts.

[vesper]

do what makes you happy, dont not do something because of feelings of guilt.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

By "nothing I want to do more", I mean I don't really have anything I WANT to do, I wouldn't hate going to Uni more than anything else...if that makes sense.

 

Ah. I'd follow my dreams if I had any that were viable. The main two I had when I was younger were either to study medicine, or to study drama and eventually act professionally.

 

When I was 16 I started the qualification road to medicine - and I just wasn't good enough - I didn't understand the Chemistry element, and after that I had a breakdown and dropped out anyway.

 

As part of my year after that, I enrolled on a two year Drama course in college. But wahey...I was poor at that too.

 

No one can say I never attempted to follow my dreams. In fact, I uprooted my life to switch colleges and everything to go to acting classes...and look where it got me. My grade sucked, I felt bad about going into every class near the end because I felt so bad about myself, so inadequate. Of course I would still LIKE to act, but I now know from experience it kills me on the inside (sorry to be cliched, but its true).

 

And now I feel like there's nothing I want to do. I'm veering towards the *I'll just do my time and then die* route at the moment, I'm tired of building myself up when I'm clearly utterly rubbish anyway.

 

So sick of everything. EVERYTHING.

[rightfromthestart]

hey...maybe that's it!

[ImThatGirl]

AntiLove -

 

I'm curious - how does college and university work in England? I have to ask - here we go to high school until 18 and then on to College. I think maybe in the U.S. we need to look into the chance for long term studying at an earlier age!

 

Now onto the issue. A couple of things:

If you go to Uni, I worry that you're mind and heart won't be into it. That you will destruct your chances at Uni because you will feel so bad about going away from your bf.

However, if you wait to go to Uni, because of your bf, I worry that you will possibly resent him and beat yourself up due to making a decision according to what will work best for you two.

 

With that said - I didn't go to college right away. I was in a serious relationship and worried that it would fail if I left. In fact, my bf told me if I went, our relationship wouldn't work. It didn't work anyway. I got into another serious relationship, had my son at 21, and then a few years later, my daughter, and just finished my degree at 28.

 

I have a great career. Have been in the career for 6 years. Everything turned out well. But, I have wondered what it would have been like if I had went onto college at 18. I never will wish that I did things differently. I'm happy the way things turned out but my road was a long and bumpy road. I missed out on having "me" time as an adult.

 

Would you consider waiting on Uni if you had a definite commitment (engagement) with your boyfriend? Would you consider waiting on Uni if he weren't in the picture?

 

You are brilliant and a great asset to society. Are there any Uni's nearby?

[agent1607307371]

I'mthatgirl - in the uk we go to high school until we are 16 (GCSE's) onto college until we are 18 (A levels) and then maybe uni (Degree).

[Daddy Bear]

you're brilliant, Emily. if you don't go to Uni you will in all probability severely regret the decision for the rest of your life.

 

trust me.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ahhh good point. Even if I were single, I wouldn't go to Uni anyway!

 

Knowing that helps significantly. I have tremendous social problems.

 

Most graduates can't get jobs here anyway.

 

Standards have dropped because our government wants 50% of young people in education. Result, all the dumb people go as well as the smart, and degrees are devalued.

 

I'm going to find something better, possibly low paid but worthy work that HELPS people, instead of rotting away and drinking too much and engaging in promiscuous behaviour I'd later regret.

 

Excellent

[Heartshock]

Hmm, Slightly Bent,

 

I wonder if you could clarify your e-mail. I, myself have NEVER been to University, and have yet to go through the experience of

 

"Regretting it for the rest of my life"

 

And I'm 38. Perhaps you can give me a guide of when this unspeakable horror will kick in, after all I want to be prepared. At the moment, I'm a Corporate Fundraiser for a charity which campaigns against the torture of political prisoners. I'd believed myself happy and fulfilled by my work.... but having read your e-mail I wonder if I am labouring under a misaprehension. Perhaps I'm trapped in an illusion which only 3 years in university can relieve me of. I look forward to your comments.

 

Love HEARTSHOCK

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I hate to say it, but he may not have been referring to PEOPLE who don't go, just to me in particular...maybe his comment was geared towards me as an individual, and wasn't an attack on everyone who didn't go to uni?

 

Go easy on him

[Daddy Bear]

quite correct, Ant, and thank you for pointing out that i was talking only about you. i should also mention that i did use the qualifier "in all probability" when raising the spectre of later regret. i know nothing of Heartshock, outside of the fact that s/he should consider him/herself very fortunate.

 

you, on the other hand, are a young lady of whom i have a fairly decent sense, having read dozens of your posts over the last half-year. you're very smart and very deep; just the type of person who would benefit the most from higher education, and someone who would make an excellent psychologist, to name just one example of a career that i think would suit you very well. i wish you the best of luck in whatever path you choose, but i would urge you to aim as high as you can. don't let the dumb ones get all the good jobs!

 

my previous post was an attack on no one, merely my opinion on your particular situation. i'm a college dropout myself, and i spent many years in tedious, unfulfilling toil before finally getting a break and being offered a position as a counselor in the office of a doctor and author who has been extensively featured and quoted in media accross the globe and who is considered by many (including the State of California, which calls upon him frequently to testify as an expert witness) as the pre-eminent authority on the subject of road rage. so yes, it can happen, but the odds of you finding work that is meaningful to you will be much greater if you decide to finish school.

 

that's all i'm going to say in this thread, as i have no wish to see it turned into a flame war between myself and someone I don't know from Adam.

[n83]

AntiLove

 

In all seriousness I think you should go to Uni regardless.. Not having an education will severely restrict you. Most people I know who don't have degrees are really struggling, making minimum wage at awful jobs and they are stuck. If you couldn't afford it that's one thing, but you have parents who are willing to pay for everything so that they don't have to grow old and worry about how you're going to take care of yourself.

 

You can start taking classes, just to fill up electives that you'll need credit for.. you can try everything from psychology to biology or art, whatever you want, until you decide what you want to major in. I'm sure that even if you had to take an extra year or so of classes to find out what you want to do, your parents wouldn't mind. I bet you getting your degree will mean a lot to them.

[agent1607307371]

In the UK university does not have majors and the like, you choose your subjects and do them for three years.

 

So it really is better to know that you want to do what you sign up for. You can change but there is not really a whole lot of freedom, as specific results are wanted before they will let you onto different courses..

[sooky]

i'm going to jump on this and recommend the gap-year route. if you apply this year and defer entry, you get a year to explore other options, and the security of a place at uni, should you wish to go the following year.

perhaps you will find yourself doing something you enjoy, and then decide uni isnt the best option for you. i took a gap year in the knowledge that i would definitely be going to uni...and i regret it a little. i wonder what i would be doing if i hadnt done what was always expected of me.

you've got a chance to explore stuff. take and play with it. regardless of your man. who sounds a bit excellent and will probably support you no matter what. and uni doesnt have to be about dossing about for three years or so. it's a chance to meet some people who might impact on your future career. e.g. you might not want to go to drama school, but you might meet a budding director who you can work with in the future. im starting to sound like my father.

to sum up...take time to think about what you really want - you dont have to decide anything for real just yet...

xx

[sophie274]

Hi

 

Since you mentioned you used to be interested in a career in medicine: I am starting my training as an EMT (emergency medical technician) in a month or so. I am in the US but I'm sure you have something similar in England. Basically an EMT is the person who goes to the scene when someone calls the emergency number, and gives first care and basic life support. The training is almost entirely practical (ie no organic chemistry!), and everyone I know who has done it loves it. I am training to be a volunteer EMT (I am studying at a university), but you can also work as a paid EMT - your training is just longer.

 

It's the sort of job you could do for a few years while deciding whether you want to go to university or not (I am in favor of going though), and if you decide you like it/don't want to go to University, you can upgrade (at least in the US) to a paramedic, who can perform more advanced life support and is also paid more.

 

Just a thought.

 

As to the relationship: my sister just broke up with her boyfriend. Their relationship had lasted 2 1/2 years, over 2 of those long distance. LONG distance: 9 time zones! Although they did just break up, the break up was over incompatibilities that have been there for a while - they too were talking about marriage and their values were too different in the end - not because of distance. They don't regret giving it a try.

 

Good luck!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

My parents will be as proud of me whatever I do, I can say that with certainty.

 

Neither went to university - my father out of choice (and he is now in the top 5% of wage earners in the UK), he *just* scraped a degree at a polytechnic, my mother through lack of opportunity.

 

Both simply, genuinely, would like me to be happy.

 

Both genuinely believe university would not make me happy. I agree.

 

And I agree because of my social problems, I'd either go off the rails and sleep with everyone in sight, or I'd withdraw totally and have a(nother) complete breakdown.

 

I've already had a *gap year* - I restarted all my current courses at another college.

 

I'm tired of messing around with education, I feel stupid and self indulgent and just want to make up for all my bad karma by working in the world, helping people in some capacity. I'll go into a very lowlevel job in the health service and work my way up, or something. Either way...Uni looks like it sucks for me..and everyone's going anyway! It's no longer for the particualrly specially good academic people, it's a mad, losing-status free for all.

 

I'm also inclined to think if I did regret going, I ALWAYS regret what I havn't done anyway. I'm a major victim of Grass Is Greener Syndrome, and you can bet I'll blame all my problems on not having a degree in years to come..but if I went to Uni, I'd blame it on not getting out into the real world sooner!

 

God, I hate myself. Depression rapidly creeping in. Very, very sad. There, I said it. I'm sad. I am sad I never achieved much, and I don't have the emotional/social strength to go to uni.

 

I've already certified with my college I'm not going, and with my parents. Not regretting that reight now (HA! much!), but what the heck shall I do with myself? I'm worth SOMETHING, right?

[arwen]

Hey hun,

 

I live 2 hours away from my man, and really it's not that bad! During the week we are busy with our jobs at uni anyway, so we enjoy our weekends together. You are a very smart cookie, you will do great in uni in whatever subject you choose, I am SURE of that. Your relationship is not the only focus in your life. It's the most personal and intimate focus you have, but your career and study are the most important ones when it comes to personal development. The best is to have a balanced form, I think that a 2 hour away uni is not that bad at all, if they offer a study that you really like. A degree is worth a lot, not only on paper when it comes to jobs, but also for yourself. It takes commitment, discipline, and broadening your horizons when you graduate in one scientific area or the other.

 

I say Go For It Girl! You and your bf will be fine. You seem a very loving and serious couple.

 

Ilse

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Thanks Ilse,

 

I'm definitely not going. Maybe I'll regret it, maybe I won't. But ultimately we all die and get dead and buried anyway.

 

*morbid-happy outlook*

[arwen]

Girl, you seem so depressed... why? So yeah, we all die, but I am sure you're not going to do so anytime soon. So why not make the most of all your capacities? How do you want to spend your life? I mean, of COURSE... if you think you are not going to be happy in university, don't go. You could at least try and see, but if you're convinced you will be miserable, there is little point in going.

 

But I do not get the feeling that this is just about uni or moving away from your bf. My impression is that you feel that whatever you do would be pointless anyway and that is such a sad thought. Each of us has a limited time to live and explore the world, life, other people, themselves. Some people die at very young ages, and wish they had the healthy bodies you and I have. I know when you are depressed, life doesn't feel like an adventure, and challenges are not exciting, but exhausting. I know that some of us wish they had better tools to face life issues (I sometimes wished I could be not-depressed/anxious for just a year, that would already be such an improvement).

 

I don't really know what to tell you but to have faith and think of things you want in your life. I hope you will feel more positive soon. Did you ever take a med like lithium for bipolar disorder? My friend has it and functions amazingly on them. Sadly, she is super depressed without them, for no apparent reason but the chemical imbalance. I take efexor, because I have GAD/depression. It keeps me away from total obsession, anxiety and depression. I don't like the fact I need meds for that, but I wouldn't be able to do my work and enjoy my life without them.

 

I hope this helps. You can write me whenever you want, you know that

 

Ilse