She had a Threesome; I didn't

[Jay K]

Okay - normally I'm good at working this stuff out, but I could use some outside perspectives.

 

I was a happy bachelor when I met this great girl. I was reluctant to commit at first, but she is worth it. I've dated a lot of girls, but I've never been more excited than I am right now.

 

A couple of weeks ago we were talking, and it somehow came up that she once had a threesome with one of her girlfriends and I'm assuming her friend's boyfriend. She said it wasn't bad, she was just kind of exploring her sexuality. I generally believe the past is past, but I'm jealous. Not of the fact she was with other people - I'd be a huge hypocrite, as I've been a little looser with myself than she was - but that she had this experience that I never did.

 

I had a few opportunities that I refused, thinking I didn't want to mess up my current relationships at the time. Now I'm regretting it. I feel inadequate at some level. I even caught myself idiotically thinking that I could fit a 3-way in with some old hook-ups without her knowing to make myself feel better (I've never cheated on anyone and don't plan to). I'm not foolish enough to leave her over this, but I need to put this in perspective. She is falling for me despite my mistakes and flaws and yet I'm being shallow about this. Any ideas on how to move past this and avoid going the way of Ben Affleck in Chasing Amy?

[lunatic]

Well its really easy. STOP MULLING OVER IT!

 

That was something she did in her past before she met you so there really is no way you can be upset at HER. Remember that all the events that happened to her in the past lead upto the person she is now.

 

You CANNOT hold this against her since it was done before you were in the picture.

[Day_Walker]

I think you need to ask yourself what does having a threesome mean to you. Since you said that you had the opportunities in the past, it obviously was not something that you were compelled to do. I think that you need to keep that in mind when you think about this. You do not have to play keep up with the Jone's sexually with this girl. You are making up this competition in your mind, a threesome isnt at must have but you are building it up to be something that it isnt.

[Dako]

Tough decision.

Committed meaningful relationship or one last stab at a fleeting sex fantasy.

[shes2smart]

Other than focusing on the present moment and not things that happened in the past, I don't know what else to tell you. One of my favorite sayings is, "Even the almighty God cannot change the past." What's done is done...no sense ruminating over it...especially since it's not even your past.

 

However, there was another similar thread recently...a guy had found out his gf of 6 years had a few more previous sexual partners than she initially told him. He's got it in his head that he needs to go have sex with someone else (without breaking up with his gf) to "even things up." It's here, in case you're interested:

 

I also seem to recall a couple other similar threads over the last year...posted by guys who had some sort of issue with what their current partner did in her past.

 

I guess the practical lesson to take away here is if you're female, you're better off keeping details of your "number" and past activities to yourself, and just keep the information you offer up strictly health-related.

[flower99]

was this a fantasy before you found out she did it?

If you found out she took it up the {mod edit} would you want to too? (:

You both have had experiences the other hasn't. And she did it to explore her sexuality and those aren't the same reasons you would be doing it.

 

So really darling, don't worry or dwell on it. Don't let this grow into something bigger than it is.

She is falling for you as you are (don't doubt that) this is a great things for you.....Enjoy yourself.

[sparkle1]

Being in love...being with someone....making love...IS NOT a competition!!

 

Past is the past...my god.. you must have one hell of an ego if your concerned that she has done something you haven't.

 

I would forget all about this, you can't finish with her as this is her past - and i suggest that's where you leave it too - IN THE PAST.

 

Be happy - and be glad you've got this terrific girl...not regretful of things you haven't done!

[Jay K]

Sometimes all it takes to make you realize you are acting stupid is to be told so. After a good sleep I woke up with a clear head, and now I'm not sure why I went down that negative road yesterday. I appreciate the advice - thanks everybody.

[flower99]

Awww...I'm glad you're feeling better about things.

We all fall onto the negative road sometimes...Happy you found your way off of it (: