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the date canceller is back!


bighair
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Hi Friends:

 

Some of you read my post regarding this guy I met on line who cancelled 2 dates on me:

 

 

 

Anyway, the 2nd time he blew me off, he said he had a fam dinner he had to attend. Then, his match profile was hidden. I figured he blew me off for a date who lived closer to home. I'll call him Joe.

 

ANYWAY, I was on line yesterday and JOe IM'd me. He was very affectionate and friendly. Just small talk really. WE then talked about the 2nd flake out and I confronted him by asking if he got cold feet about meeting me (he blew me off the first time because of the distance btw us - 100 mi) and found a date closer to home.

 

He said that he did have a family dinner, and that he knew he was totally screwing up with me by cancelling a 2nd time. As far as the hidden profile, he said that he got sick of Match and wanted to take a break from it. Joe said that he felt like nothing he said would have made a difference and that I would be pissed off no matter what he said. Joe asked if we could meet up. I told him that I felt like we were never going to meet.

 

Yes, that is rather lame-sounding. And, i don't trust him all the way. The other mistake Joe and Imade was the several weeks we spent chatting on the phone and on line before scheduling the first date. So, I like this man and we do get along thus far. I'm curious about him, but I am so nervous about meeting him because I worry that he'll blow me off again and we won't like each other in person.

 

I feel like I"m not going to get this guy out of my system until I meet him once and for all. YOur Thoughts, insights are welcome.

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Hey there,

Girl, this guy lives kinda far and if he is feeling the distance pinch now, imagine once/if you two start dating???

I think it's time to start looking for someone closer to you. All these cancelled dates sound as if he doesn't prioritize meeting you. Not a good sign.

 

Look at it this way : Your time is too precious to invest it on someone who doesn't want to invest theirs on you.

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Well, he's definitely working for it this time. He wants to get together this weekend. I told him I had to let him know because I was supposed to have plans....not entirely the truth....but, I have gone out w. other match guys and i'm supposed to see them this weekend. as far as the prime time date thing, i may not have a choice because of the distance issues. we'll have to meet half way and it would be a pain for me to meet him on a nonprimetime date.

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I rarely disagre with Chai, but I think in this case I might, a little.

 

I would not be calling this person, I would not be reserving huge chunks of my time for him, I would not be making a hell of a lot of effort for any reason in his direction. However, if he were willing to drive the 100 miles to meet me for a short while, then I'd let him. I'd make it clear to him that the reason he is not getting much effort from you is that you are leary, and that if he demonstrates that he is willing to put something in, afterward it will be met. He created the situation, he shouldbe willing to live with the consequences.

 

So, I would not avoid him, but I would not make effort in his direction.

 

That said, he may lose interest quickly. You need to decide how much effort its worth, because as his interest wanes, a little effort from you might revive i.t

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he flaked the first time because fo the distance between us

 

Has this changed? Are you still living 100 miles apart? If you are, I'm inclined to agree with chai. "Thanks for playing....NEXT!"

 

If the distance has changed because either you or he moved, and you are that curious, I'd be inclined to go with "3 strikes & you're out"....which means he'd have one last shot. BUT--it would be a last chance, the time/date would have to be set up within the next 2-3 weeks (no later), and there'd be a minimum of IM/phone/email contact until the agreed upon meeting day/time. If those conditions aren't met, I wouldn't continue to have any contact with him.

 

When I was single in '98, I ran into one of these types...chatted online, on the phone, but somehow he never got around to setting up or agreeing on a specific time to meet. I met someone else, had a relationship for a couple years....when that broke up and I was single again in 2001, I happened to bump into that same guy from 98 on chat--AND HE WAS STILL DOING THE SAME CRAP 3 YEARS LATER!!! I sometimes wonder if he ever actually met ANYONE in person.

 

So, you're not the only one who's run into one of THOSE types.

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Yes, yes,....I have some worries about trying to meet up with this guy because of his track record with me. I don't get the sense that he plays games like that weirdo you were describing in your post....but I don't really know him. If we do hit off, I am concerned that I will have to do all the driving to his location...he lives in a smaller city and I live in a large urban area...we're both busy and i can't do the work for 2 people...

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Yeah...I want to play it this way too...rather detached, not too much e-contact prior to our meeting. I am just do damn nervous to meet him because (i know he has been a complete * * *) I worry he won't find me as attractive in person...I know...it's the name of the game.

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If you all hit it off, don't you dare drive out to his place all the time. He will not value you as much, trust me on this one.

 

To me it just sounds like it's taking too much trouble. Who does this guy think he is anyway? ( that's what I"d ask a friend who was in this same situation) Be cautious and yes you have a right to wonder if he won't like you physically---just as you may not like what HE looks like.

... don't put all your eggs into this basket.........

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Good. I just want to add something I learned from experience

 

When a man wants to see you, he will find a way to see you. He will make the time and he will travel if he needs to.

 

This is kind of off topic, but: That sounds like something straight out of the "The Rules" book. I'm not a fan, and a few women who did not return my calls ended up not getting asked out or asked out or called again. The effort a guy puts in should be met by some effort the woman puts in. If the effort gets out of balance, then the relationship won't fly, unless both people expect that imbalance before beginning. If you expect the imbalance, then it really is not one.

 

If I make all the time, and accommodate her schedule, and I do all the travel, then soon there won't be any travel or time for her. You may start by expecting him to put in the initial effort, but don't make him continue to put in all the effort.

 

In this case, with bighair, he should show her something before she puts in some effort and/or reserves him primetime. And don't drop those other guys if he does drive 100 miles to see you. Keep them around, for a little while.

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I fear something got lost in translation Beec.

 

The above statement is not discussing how much effort or lack of SHE shows in the relationship, but with what a man would do if he were interested in seeing a woman, based on experience. Nothing more and nothing less.

 

And yes, you are correct, there should be a give and take balance in a relationship.

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I fear something got lost in translation Beec.

 

The above statement is not discussing how much effort or lack of SHE shows in the relationship, but with what a man would do if he were interested in seeing a woman, based on experience. Nothing more and nothing less.

 

And yes, you are correct, there should be a give and take balance in a relationship.

 

Just my normal reaction to "Rules" advice.

 

I think that kind of advice is good for some women, and good to use with some men. With other men, it will never work.

 

The same goes some of the advice that is put out there for guys on how to get women.

 

back on topic: With any man or woman, you need to do what works for them and the situation. In this case, Joe kind of "crapped" (best word I could think of to fit what I wished to imply) on bighair, but now wants to come back for more. If bighair let him crap on her again, then she is the kind of girl you do that to, especially if he does it with no consequences. If she turns her back on him totally now, an option, he no longer becomes someone she will ever date. If she makes him understand that he now has to do some penance to demonstrate his repentance, she demands respect.

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Let's get something straight, here. I hope I didn't misunderstand your tone Beec. I am not someone who gets crapped on (hate that word by the way).

 

Next, I hate the friggin Rules. It's written by neanderthal women and it makes both women and men sound one dimensional. HOWEVER, JOe needs to get his together, keep a date with me and just earn his keep.

 

If we end up dating, then I am more than willing to do my share of the work. A commitment involves both parties. I am not about "the man do all the work" and I am a "woman who swears by the Rules."

 

Joe and I are both busy professionals and neither of us can do all of the driving all of the time.

 

thanks.

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bighair I don't think beec meant anything offensive by his comments. If I'm correct he was simply saying that how you let Joe treat you now, especially in the biginning may define how he sees you and the ( potential) relationship. So you want to make things clear right from the start.,

 

He needs to see that you value yourself and your time. Only then would he step up to the plate, or step down if he can't cut it.

 

It has to be a two way street.

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Joe said that he felt like nothing he said would have made a difference and that I would be pissed off no matter what he said.

 

Actually, this comment from him kind of gives me pause for thought. Why would he feel that way, considering he doesn't know you really, and thus, has no reason to believe you'd feel that way?

 

It's kind of an unfair assumption about you, too. I don't know, if he really makes such assumptions without bothering to discuss the issue with them first to at least find out for sure, it doesn't seem to bode well for his communication skills, either.

 

But, you never know....maybe you two will meet up and he won't actually be a flake, after all. Nothing's impossible, I guess.

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bighair, I simply meant that the way he has acted, imo, does not show you a heck of a lot of respect. A total lack of resepct would have involved you driving all that way and being stood up. He had some, in that he called and cancelled. But he did not have enough to make a date, when he knew he would be free, and to stick with his committment. So, yes, I think he in some sense "crapped" on you, in that he did not show you the respect I would expect to be shown. As he current attitude seems to understand that, if in your shoes (trust me in that I am not a woman, would not wear your shoes and they won't fit), I might be willing to give him another chance, but that chance would require him having his *&$% together and keeping the date, for openers.

 

As for the rest of it, I think I pretty much would agree with you.

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It's kind of an unfair assumption about you, too. I don't know, if he really makes such assumptions without bothering to discuss the issue with them first to at least find out for sure, it doesn't seem to bode well for his communication skills, either.

 

 

HI Scout, Yeah...his communication style is passive and indirect. The other thing is he was blowing me a 2nd time...after the 1st incident, I was pretty up front and told him that I was concerned that he'd repeat this sort of behavior...you know being indecisive about what he wants, etc..and not being up front about it.

 

He is non-confrontational and that will be a challenge dating him.

 

thanks for the insight.

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bighair, I simply meant that the way he has acted, imo, does not show you a heck of a lot of respect. A total lack of resepct would have involved you driving all that way and being stood up. He had some, in that he called and cancelled. But he did not have enough to make a date, when he knew he would be free, and to stick with his committment.

 

Beec - sorry for the e-meltdown. I hear what you're saying.

 

No, he has been a complete idiot about this...i'm actually very frustrated with him if you want to know the truth. He wasn't the only guy i was talking to on Match and I did go out w. other men because i didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket. Then, given his inability to make a timely date, the blowing off, his indecision re: distance, i continued to meet other men. And, there is another guy, I am interesting in seeing again. He's already called. Let's see what happens there....anyway, i think i'll see mr. flake again on my terms, in my own time....i'd like him to have a taste of his own medicine.

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