To cheat or not?

[Jake1979]

Okay I know everyones initial reaction is 'no dont do it- its NEVER worth it' but I am considering cheating for quite specific reasons and think it could actually help my realationship. Please try and put yourself in my position and any honest answers/advise would be much appreciated.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years, we have always been very compatable and in love and I would love to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

But...I have always had an issue that we met young and I had only been with one person (briefly) before being with her- I felt I would love to be with my girlfriend forever but always wished I had a few more experiences before we met- I got over this by thinking my girlfriend was the same age as me when we met and through conversations we have had over the years has given the impression she had been with a similar amount of people- thereforeeee I thought if she is fine with things then I can get over it and be fine too.

 

However, I found out a few months ago (by asking specifically) that she has actually misled me all this time- she has actually slept with well over 10 people, one of which was a one night stand with one of my colleagues a couple of days before we got together, I worked with this guy for a year and kept in touch- we would go out with him, but nothing was ever said.

 

To find out these things was devistating- I felt misled and had actually been lied to about a few things which through conversations we had she would know I coundnt be fine with. If I had known from the start then perhaps I could have handled it but to find out now I feel cheated and misled. I feel she has been with all of these people and I havn't so feel unequal and no longer fine with my past. If she can sleep with someone she has known for a couple of hours and keep it from me then why can't I do the opposite?

 

I know this sounds bitter and like I am trying to get back at her or find a reason to cheat but honestly we have tried to separate but cant bring ourselves to do it. I cant leave her and dont want a relationship with anyone else, but at the same time I can not be happy with myself or her past while I stay with her- it seems to be a catch 22 that I have tried to give time but still obsess over it all the time.

 

I now have the opportunity to sleep with someone who wants some no strings attached sex, my girlfrend wouldnt find out, I would be more happy with the amount of people i have been with, I would be less bothered by what she has done and I would be able to move on in the relationship and put all this angst behind me- I would feel guilty for what I have done but no longer blaming my girlfriend for things or obsess about our pasts.

 

At the moment we are stuck in limbo- I am not going to ever be okay with my past or hers but we both know we are meant to be together and stay in a relationship forever, we have discussed splitting temporerrily but she said we could never get back together knowing what I would be doing, she has before said 'just do what you have to do but don't go feeling guilty and telling me about it', I think in a way we realise it is what I need to do to get it out of my system but should I do it? Could it actually help save the relationship?

[Closure]

You can't use her 'white' lie as an excuse, it doesn't matter how many people others have slept with in my opinion.

 

If women knew just half the number of women i've slept with i'm pretty sure i'd never ever ever get a date.

 

You don't have to cheat. My advice to you is do not cheat. You have something to lose here and if you cheat you damn well need to be prepared to lose it.

 

I'd work on the relationship, notches on the bed post count for nothing, take it from someone that knows.

 

If you *MUST* sow your oats my advice is simple, end the relationship because it's a slippery path and being that guy isn't good.

[rose2summer]

Do not cheat on your gf,

 

The fact that she lied to you is separate from your desire to cheat,

 

You want an excuse to cheat on her,

 

If her lying to you is too much of a roadblock to move on,

 

Then you should end the relationship and THEN do as you please.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

You asked for honesty.......lol

 

Why is the number of people you have been with so important to you?

 

I think your real problem is that your manhood has been knocked down a few levels and you don't like the fact that your girl has slept with more people then you have ...so you want to even the score. She didn't cheat on you...she just didn't give you all the details about her past.

 

I think what you are about to do is very immature, impulsive and selfish.

[Closure]

No one tells the truth about how many folks they've slept with, as rule of thumb i'd generally times it by three anyway lol!

[Spawn]

Jake this is not a healthy relationship, you know it and probably she knows it too.

 

Don't judge her with her past. If she hasn't done anythin while being in a relationship with you then i don't see any reasons why you shud think about her past and try all this stuff to get over that period of her life.

 

Anyways, life/relationships shouldn't be so complicated anyways...staying together and thinkin cheatin would help get over others mistakes and committin mistakes in the process doesn't sound right.

 

You will be hurt in the long run

 

Be strong and take the right decision here.

[Jake1979]

Thanks for the responses, mush appreciated, but here are my arguments to them!:

 

'it doesn't matter how many people others have slept with in my opinion.If women knew just half the number of women i've slept with i'm pretty sure i'd never ever ever get a date.'

- well that sort of contradicts itself- in your opinion it doesnt matter how many people someone has slept with (but for me it does) but you say if women knew how many you had been with they wouldnt want to be with you- which is exactly what I am saying in opposite, I havnt been with many and cant handle the fact my partner has been with so many.

 

'I'd work on the relationship, notches on the bed post count for nothing, take it from someone that knows.'

- exactly, this is only something someone can know whan they have done it, I need to do it to be able to ephasise with my girlfriend and be fine with what she has done.

 

'The fact that she lied to you is separate from your desire to cheat,

 

You want an excuse to cheat on her,

 

If her lying to you is too much of a roadblock to move on,

 

Then you should end the relationship and THEN do as you please.'

- it is a combination of being lied to and not being comfortable with what I now know as her past- it is too much for me to take but we are now too far down the line in the relationship to want to split up, if I knew from the start I would have probably dealt with it or said its too soon for me to have this serious relationship because this is an issue for me, being told years down the line doesnt give me that option.

 

'You asked for honesty.......lol'

 

-yes, I have had these discussions with my girlfriend and always been totally honest, I would not tell her if I cheated but would not lie about it unless I felt she wanted me to

 

Why is the number of people you have been with so important to you?

- I cant answer that, it never was but is now- male pride I guess, and a bit of jealousy

 

'I think your real problem is that your manhood has been knocked down a few levels and you don't like the fact that your girl has slept with more people then you have ...so you want to even the score. She didn't cheat on you...she just didn't give you all the details about her past. '

-That is all true but doesnt change the fact that I am no longet confortable being in this relationship where I feel bad about the past, I don't want us to split up but cant get over the past, I have an issue with the amount she has slept with- that cant be changed, I have an issue with the amount I have slept with- that is the only thing that can be changed

 

'I think what you are about to do is very immature, impulsive and selfish.'

-Yes I agree it is immature- I went into the relationship too young and with not enough experience- I wish I had slept with more before we met then I wouldnt have such a big problem with her having done it. Impulsive- no, I have been considering this for months as nothing else seems to be working to get over it. Selfish- yes, but in the end isnt life all about your personall happiness?- if I am never going to be fine with the pasts we both have but cant bring myself to leave her isnt this an option?

[Closure]

I'm sorry chap you're trying to justify cheating and it looks to me as if you mind has made up.

 

We try to help you, don't do it or end your relationship.

 

You do not need to empathise with your girlfriend on a level of how many people you've both slept with, that's a whole crock and you know it.

 

If I lived my life again, in the same circumstances I would have only had sex with one person and i'd be just dandy about it.

 

You need to count your blessings, I envy you and your relationship and that's from my heart.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them. Having said all that, some of the biggest mistakes people make in life is reacting from insecurity. You want to do this because you feel insecure about your past and yourself. However, you need to step back and look at the long-term consequences. Although your girlfriend has said that you need to do what you need to do....do you think over time she will be able to trust you...not knowing if you are going out and screwing around on her. That will end up destroying your relationship. And, when will it be enough women to satisfy your need to have had more experience...one other woman, two, three.....It is too bad our society is so focused on sex and not on the emotional part of relationships. Having a bunch of woman will, in the long run, not make you happy if you end up messing up a relationship with the one you really love.

[Beec]

Break it off with her, that's my recommendation.

 

You now do not trust her, whether for rational reasons or not, because it seems very much about how you feel about things that occurred before your relationship began. To me these reasons are not so rational, but relationships are not totally rational things.

 

If you cheat on her, you really show her no respect, and if you don't respect her, it's over. You cannot be with someone you do not respect.

 

If you cheat on her, you will feel guilty, and then will seek to create problems and test her, etc.

 

Break it off. Be honest about that you don't feel hot about these things, that you want some time away, get away, sow some oats, then deicde if you want to ever reconcile should the opportunity arise.

 

If you cheat, your relationship will be over. If you continue as is, it already is. Dump her know, have sex with more people, then see what you want.

[annie24]

I agree with all the responses you've gotten.

 

As a woman, I have to say, I don't even think about guys I have been with in the past, especially not when I am dating someone new. those are all a part of my past and that is where i keep them. after all, if those guys were so great, i'd be with them still.

 

I also think you are trying to justify cheating and it is not cool. either work on your relationship and forgive her or break up with her, but cheating on her will solve nothing. it just makes the situation worse.

 

I think it is really sad that you have gotten to know her for 6 years, and now that you discovered her "number", you can't love her anymore. she is the same person she always was.

[shes2smart]

Her past is not going to change.

 

If you are not comfortable with it, and believe you cannot be comfortable with it, then you need move on.

 

No matter what you do at this point...whether it's have sex with one other person or 20 other people and goat...it's still not going to change what's already happened. Your proposed "solution" will only cause more problems later.

 

The real solution lies in changing your own attitude...which is really all we can ever change in any situation. You don't need to have sex with someone else to change your attitude.

 

Also, I agree with Closure...you sure are putting a lot of effort into justifying what you want to do.

 

The damage cheating causes in a relationship is not from the act of having sex with someone else...it's the lying and doing things behind a partner's back that cause the damage. I know too many folks with alternative relationships that go beyond the one man/one woman 100% monogamy model whose relationships work to think that it's the sex/sexual activity that causes the damage.

 

So, here's a quick overview of my definition of cheating, regardless of the activity/activities involved:

 

Partner knows what you want to do AND consents = not cheating

Partner knows what you want to do and DOES NOT consent = cheating

Parter doesn't know what you want to do and thereforeeee CANNOT consent = cheating

 

Go with that definition of cheating, and there is a way you can have your cake and eat it too. If you're so hell-bent on having sex with someone else, run it by your gf...present your reasons as you have here...if she agrees and is cool with it, you're in the clear and off you go.

[Jake1979]

Thanks everyone, to be honest I have had the opportunity to cheat since I found things out and I didnt take it, I have had the opportunity to spend time apart but didnt take it, I want to stay with my girlfriend and be fine with everything but after months of giving it more time I still obsess over it because the thing with my friend is too close to home- I then think about other stuff and just can't seem to put things in their place in the past. I dont feel happy with myself anymore and surely that is no way to be in a relationship.

 

I think we will be fine, I do really love my girlfriend but really hate what she did just before meeting me, not sure what to do really becuase time doesn't seem to be helping, I dont want to leave her, I dont want to cheat but I cant get over this.

 

Perhaps I just have to face the uncomfortable truth that I will have to leave the person I love due to my immature insecurities.

[Closure]

 

Perhaps I just have to face the uncomfortable truth that I will have to leave the person I love due to my immature insecurities.

 

 

Well that is just daft Jake.

 

You need to evolve.

 

How many people that others have slept with DOES NOT MATTER.

 

What matters is how you react to one another, how you spark off one another and if YOUR relationship is good and healthy.

 

The past is the past, anyone who can't deal with that doesn't deserve a relationship and is way too immature to inflict themselves on anyone in my humble opinion, however i'm sure you have the stones to deal with this.

[Hope75]

I agree with all the other posters. Love is not a contest about how many people each of you have been with. I wonder if the reason she didn't confide in how many people she was with is because she felt it was her past and had nothing to do with her relationship with you and because she is choosing to be with you now and has been for the last 6 years and has been faithful to you.

 

You know, if you are even considering cheating on her to "equal up" the amount of partners you each had in the past- it makes me question whether you really love her in the first place. Have you thought of this too? It certainly does not show loving nor respectful, honest behaviour.

 

I have been on both sides of this equation- I dated a man for 2 years who had slept with well over twice as many partners as me in his past- and that was just that- his past. I felt no desire to "catch up", nor was it important to me how many people he had been with prior, only that he protected himself. Now, I've been with a man for 4 years whom I adore, and I have had more partners than him- and it's not important to him either. We love each other and want to be with one another forever- and our past is just that- it has nothing to do with our relationship now. It's not a contest.

 

I honestly feel bad for your girlfriend. No matter how you slice this, friend, cheating on her and lying to her about it is NOT going to help your relationship. She deserves someone who loves her for who she is NOW, and who takes what she has to give and treats it with love, honesty, and respect, and who wouldn't dream of cheating on her. It seems to me your priorities are skewed.

[Siriana]

Hey. You almost persuade me to say to you go for it! Are you in sales?

Now, let me see - you can cheat on her, yes. You have to take into account something:

 

1. If you are willing to cheat you're not so much in love with her, or because this is long term relationship better to be said you don't have enough respect toward her anymore, since she lied. Maybe it's a guy - woman thing but when I am in love I can't force myself to cheat.

 

2. You have to be aware that you might get this feeling of beeing guilty with all thes side effects that come with that (wish to tell the truth, feeling that you don't deserve her.....blah, blah, blah....)

 

Possible solutions of your cheating:

 

1. Maybe you will find out that you want to do some more cheating

2. Maybe you will find out that you want to end this relationship

3. Maybe you will find out that cheating made you feel worse.

4. Maybe she finds out about it.

5. Maybe you find out that you don't love her, but you are affraid of change.

 

After all that beeing said I advise you to think carefully before proceeding becuase important decisons can be made without that too, but it is way much harder to do so.

Make several decisions:

1. Can I forgive her without cheating?

2. Am I shure cheating will make me forgive about her lies?

3. DO I really want to be in that relationship or I need more experience? Be aware - not cheating experience.

 

Good luck

 

 

I forgot to tell you something: this is not about her telling white lies at the beginning, this is about you. You feel confused and not happy because you didn't have a chance to get more experience. Do you mind me asking how old are you?

[FortunateOne]

One word: Narcissism

 

It seems to me you want to take back control. I suggest you read the book below.

 

Help, I'm in Love with a Narcissist

by link removed, link removed

[lunatic]

Cheating never solves anything but, hurting the partner we supposedly love. If you feel you need more experience within the bedroom then you MUST end this relationship now. Remember my friend that this will have consequences in the future. For one, we all seem to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I for one don't think that is true and I learned that the hard way.

 

Two you have to also consider that all her past experiences are what makes her the woman you love now. I have to say if this is bothering you so much you need to figure out what your going to do. If you cannot move on from the 6 year lie (which I would be mad at also) then it is time to move on. If you don't leave and you don't cheat then you may end up resenting her in the future. You MUST figure out what you WANT TO DO!

 

Cheating is not an option... There is no need to hurt someone so much sleeping with someone else. Believe me it is not always as good as you might think.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Jake...i'm curious as to how old you are?

[Jake1979]

Thanks, every response is very helpful and they all make sense, an I am sure if I was answering I would say the same. (I am 25 by the way)

 

But the reason I put honestly and try put yourself in my shoes to start with is because pretty much no-one ever wants it on their concience that they advised someone to cheat.

 

Does no-one agree with the logic that the main reason I feel so bad about what my girlfriend has done is because I have not been with many people and I have always wanted to be with more but made myself fine with things because I thought she had been with the same (I know counting numbers like this is selfish and immature- but just because it doesnt matter to you doesnt mean it does not matter to everyone). Isnt this exactly the reason why people end relationships when they say they are not ready for the commitment? -in other words the relationship might be great but they are not ready to be able to handle the fact they have slept with that amount of people each and dont want to be tied to that one person even though they love them they are just not ready for it.- I would have probably said this 6 years ago if I hadnt been lied to but now it seems too far down the line for that . Now I am not fine with the past and there is nothing I can change, but I dont want to leave her, it seems my options are:

 

1. Deal with it and stay with her- I have tried for months but however much people tell me that makes sense I just don't feel it and cant make myself fine with things.

 

2. End the relationship/split up for a while- We have tried this but not lasted more than a weekend as we both know how much we love each other and don't want to have a relationship with anyone else.

 

3. Cheat- There are all of the possible bad things as mentioned in other peoples posts but also the possibility of it making me feel less bothered with her past, more happy with the amount I have been with, guilty with myself and able to put all this in the past as a foolish selfish thing I had to do in order to be know in myself that I am now fine to move on in the relationship.

[lunatic]

1. Deal with it and stay with her- I have tried for months but however much people tell me that makes sense I just don't feel it and cant make myself fine with things.

 

2. End the relationship/split up for a while- We have tried this but not lasted more than a weekend as we both know how much we love each other and don't want to have a relationship with anyone else.

 

3. Cheat- There are all of the possible bad things as mentioned in other peoples posts but also the possibility of it making me feel less bothered with her past, more happy with the amount I have been with, guilty with myself and able to put all this in the past as a foolish selfish thing I had to do in order to be know in myself that I am now fine to move on in the relationship.

 

For one, we all seem to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I for one don't think that is true and I learned that the hard way.

 

Two you have to also consider that all her past experiences are what makes her the woman you love now. I have to say if this is bothering you so much you need to figure out what your going to do. If you cannot move on from the 6 year lie (which I would be mad at also) then it is time to move on. If you don't leave and you don't cheat then you may end up resenting her in the future. You MUST figure out what you WANT TO DO!

 

Cheating is not an option... There is no need to hurt someone so much sleeping with someone else. Believe me it is not always as good as you might think.

 

I stand by my original post Jake. I did try to see your point of view but, I come to the same conclusion everytime. You either get over it and move on or you need to leave her to sow your oats. There is no if ands or butts here with that. If you love her then you would not want to hurt her in this way. I know I have been on the cheated end way too many times in my life to know how much this effects your entire being. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. There is also the feelings of guilt you will feel when the deed is done. Seriously, if you feel this strongly then you do not love her as much as you think and are only there because your comfortable with being in the relationship itself. I know it is easy to do because I have done it in my past relationship.

 

I swear the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. TRUST ME about that one!!!!!

 

Hub

[Jake1979]

 

I swear the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. TRUST ME about that one!!!!!

 

Hub

 

Oh yeah I do believe that- thats the weird thing, I dont for a minute think I will have a better relationship (sexually or otherwise) with anyone else, the person I could do it with is in no way better than my girlfriend. The only reason would be for the experience of sleeping with someone else, thereforeeee not feeling so bad about either her past or my past and instead feeling guilty for what I have done and being able to realsie what is true which is I am lucky to have what I do and learn that I will not want to be with anyone else or be bothered with how many either of us have been with.

[lunatic]

Oh yeah I do believe that- thats the weird thing, I dont for a minute think I will have a better relationship (sexually or otherwise) with anyone else, the person I could do it with is in no way better than my girlfriend. The only reason would be for the experience of sleeping with someone else, thereforeeee not feeling so bad about either her past or my past and instead feeling guilty for what I have done and being able to realsie what is true which is I am lucky to have what I do and learn that I will not want to be with anyone else or be bothered with how many either of us have been with.

 

 

I understand why your feeling this way as I had a problem like this when I was 18. I know how much it can eat at one's confidence and how I obsessed over it. In the end, I lost her because I could not get over it and I could not leave her. Well she gave me my walking papers and I had no choice but, to move on. What I am trying to say is take a break from the relationship for a little while. Do what ever you must to get over this issue and then try to reconcile with her. Other than that you can try what shes2smart suggested and talk to her about it and see if she can be ok with it(long shot).

 

You have to make this decision and have to do it soon. I am sure this is causing friction with your relationship too. It is only a matter of time till she gets tired of this and puts an end to on her own. This is an issue of doing what you feel is right for you and also considering her feelings at the same time.

[Siriana]

Oh yeah I do believe that- thats the weird thing, I dont for a minute think I will have a better relationship (sexually or otherwise) with anyone else, the person I could do it with is in no way better than my girlfriend. The only reason would be for the experience of sleeping with someone else, thereforeeee not feeling so bad about either her past or my past and instead feeling guilty for what I have done and being able to realsie what is true which is I am lucky to have what I do and learn that I will not want to be with anyone else or be bothered with how many either of us have been with.

 

What if the sex gets better on the other side - you know while cheating? What than?

 

Also, I must admit I am that kind of person who couldn't settle before experiencing several partners. I really couldn't. And I disagree with cheating part. Guess why? Because I decided to be single and to have fun. You can't have it all. You need to make a choice.

 

And this one more partner you think of cheating your gf with is not going to significantly increse your experience. Are you aware of that?

 

Plus what kind of self reassurance is cheating her? She didn't cheat on you!

[Jake1979]

weird thinking. What if the sex gets better on the other side - you know while cheating? What than?

 

Yeah it is weird, its not really about having better sex or not, so it probably wouldnt make a difference. Its about being okay with the amount of people she has been with- something I cant change and don't seem to be able to change my feelings over. I just think that by sleeping with someone else I will be able to forgive (probably not the right word because I know her sleeping with people before we were together isnt something she did in order to hurt me- but fact is that it has) what she has done and be fine to move on with the relationship because I would know that a one night stand or previous relationships are not such a big deal- I dont think I can convince myself that until I know it myself, its not one of those things you can be told 'I slept with loads of people and it isnt worth it' isnt something that you can relate to if you feel you havnt slept with many people (exactly the argument between me and her- so do I need to do this to be able to relate and be fine with it?) .

 

 

QUOTE 'Also, I must admit I am that kind of person who couldn't settle before experiencing several partners. I really couldn't. And I disagree with cheating part. Guess why? Because I decided to be single and to have fun. You can't have it all. You need to make a choice.'

- yes I agree, I didnt think about the relationship going on forever right from the start- it just happened without thinking I want a long term thing or not, I wanst comfortable with the amount of people I had been with but made myself fine with it because of the impression she gave of her past, I thought she is in the same boat and if she loves me enough to not want to be with anyone else then so can I.- Now I know she had actulally slept with lots of other people (even someone a few days before we were together) I am no longer fine with the amount I have been with, but we seem too far down the line and too much in love to split up over this