Don't know where to put this

[NJRon]

It could go in a few different places. I have a friend. I have known her for almost 2 years. She has cancer. She is so careful that she doesn't want to worry anyone that she doesn't even say what she has exactly. She has been in the hospital for the last 6 months. They flew her out of the United States to be in a hospital near her family in Japan. Anyway, she's only 23.

 

The last time I have any word from her was on July 4th. She said that...

 

1. She has not taken a single painkiller even thought she writhes in pain some nights and grabs the doctor's arm screaming "DRUGS* and (as she puts it 'foaming at the mouth')

 

2. She hasn't been sick.. no coughs or colds, for the last two years and that the chemo kills everything...

 

She can't send contact out until October or, possibly, November. I don't have anyway to contact her at all. Those that have tried to contact her have been ignored.. so there's no news.

 

I know I haven't "lost" someone.. and I know that she's not an actual family member nor a significant other and that many people have gone through much worse themselves. I'm just sad that I see her as that ultimate optimist... holding her pain inside... sharing only what is beautiful and that, in the end... no one may ever hear from her again. It's been bothering me over the past couple months and getting steadily worse and, frankly, I haven't been around this situation except now...

 

Hmm.. maybe there is nothing I can do... I am just sad tonight.. have been for the last few weeks. It has been building and there is no way to vent it... it's so weird, because I haven't actually experienced the loss I guess? I don't know.. there are many more closer to her.

 

I just admire her strength so much.. her willfulness to engage in the beauty of every single little thing she sees and, also, the heart to try and spare others her pain.. all the time... wishing there was somehting I could say... what do you say?

 

Well.. Like I said, it's been eating at me and really getting to me as time has progressed... getting worse actually.

 

I want to pull myself out of this funk. No one who is going through something like this would ever want someone else to be pulled down too. Why am I so affected? Does venting help, in and of itself? Perhaps. Feel free to move the thread...

[TheRedQueen]

When I get in a funk, I have a tendency to isolate myself, confront the funkness and eventually get out of it. The only way out is through babe, I'm sorry I hope at least you have a comfortable bed. Suffering sucks, but that doesn't make it any less real.

[NJRon]

Funny.. that is my normal method... I was hoping for a magic fairy wand... try something new for a change.. like actually sharing...

 

ah well... I guess it's no use trying new tricks

 

I got comfy socks though.. that's for sure. Need a better bed though.

[melrich]

About 3 years ago I guy came to work for us. He was about my age 33 then, very fit good looking guy and super, super intelligent. In the short time he was with us we got pretty close as mates.

 

About a month after starting he started to take a lot of time off work, then about 3 months after that he sortof stopped turning up at all. Said he was working from home. That was feasible cos we all do project work and can work from home easily enough.

 

I would see him only on business trips we'd have to do together. I noticed he started to lose a lot of weight but didn't click to anything.

 

Anyway about 2 months further on he advised us all that he had cancer. That he was going to be OK but would be on and off work for a bit. It happened that he had a business trip to the US booked about a week after this announcement (which shocked us all).

 

Anyway 6 days later, the day before he was to go to the US he died. The strange thing was he confirmed his flights the day before he died.

 

I went to his funeral and at the wake spoke to his g/f. She said that until the last hour he never thought he was going to die. He was apparently talking about getting out of bed and into his clothes to head off for the airport.

 

I didn't know him that well, 6 months all up. But I have never been so affected by a death as I was his. It was really hard to imagine someone so vibrant, so seemingly blessed with youth, looks, brains and personality could be gone so quick.

[NJRon]

Thanks melrich... as usual... you just always seem to say the right thing the right way....

 

I think that the biggest difficulty I am having right now is reconciling the potential death of such a vibrant, beautiful, intelligent young lady... and the continued existence of me. I don't mean to get all wacko melancholy... nor do I believe that any particular person deserves any more, or less, than they get. But... it just seems so.... inherently sad. Like, I wish I could reach out and someone would tell me "Well.. this is why we are making her suffer instead of you..." But then again.. she seems to be getting along fine, while we are the ones suffering... It's all very confusing to me.

 

But... thanks for sharing... helps...

[TheRedQueen]

Yeah when I am suffering, I mean truly suffering, I tend to take it as a very private and personal time, a time to fester in my stew of suffering. But hey, what do I know, perhaps that is not a healthy approach, but it is the only way I've learned to cope and truly confront that silent torture, in solitude.

[melrich]

I think that the biggest difficulty I am having right now is reconciling the potential death of such a vibrant, beautiful, intelligent young lady... and the continued existence of me. I don't mean to get all wacko melancholy... nor do I believe that any particular person deserves any more, or less, than they get. But... it just seems so.... inherently sad. Like, I wish I could reach out and someone would tell me "Well.. this is why we are making her suffer instead of you..." But then again.. she seems to be getting along fine, while we are the ones suffering... It's all very confusing to me.

 

Yes that was the feeling exactly. People who are dying are supposed to look like they should be dying...if that makes sense. When someone you regard as a peer dies it really brings home to you your own mortality.

[rose2summer]

Hi NJ,

 

I am so sorry you are going through this,

 

It must be incredibly difficult,

 

You are a great man and have a golden heart,

 

As I have seen here on ENA,

 

So the best way to get through this,

 

Is to hold strong thoughts for your friend,

 

She needs you right now to be hoping for her strong recovery,

 

Can you call her hospital in Japan to get in touch with her?,

 

Or is contact really not possible at all?,

 

The good news with cancer these days is that there are many options,

 

What type of cancer does she have?,

 

If chemo and radiation therapy don't prove to be as helpful,

 

She can enroll in clinical trials for breakthrough medicines,

 

That aren't yet on the market yet,

 

So that's definitely an option,

 

I applaud you though for your strength,

 

And I know it's so hard to move past this,

 

My father fell very ill this year,

 

And I was in so much pain seeing him like that,

 

But the only thing I knew I could do,

 

Was to think good thoughts, and convince him everything would be ok,

 

I am always here to listen and please keep writing,

 

Express how you feel,

 

Hugs Ron,

 

Rose

 

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[brando]

NJ,

Hang in there man. She is so young and it is a tragedy. I hope she knows how much you value her....and admire her.

 

Their are no words i can add to help you accept and understand this. Life sometimes is unfair (as you already know) and words, well they never really ease the pain anyway.

 

 

I am sure this is hard for you, it is irrelevant that she is not a family member,a spouse or a significant other.. she is a friend you seem to care about and appreciate greatly. And it hurts when one we are fond of is suffering greatly.

 

I feel for you.. and you will get through this....

 

be well,

brando

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi NJRon,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, that must be so hard for you. Your post really moved me. My brother died of cancer a few years ago, and it really tore me apart. So I can recognise a lot of what you're writing, that rage and despondancy.

 

Sometimes you get so awed and humbled by people who go through things you cannot imagine without complaint. I think bravery comes in many different forms, but seeing someone face their own death with dignity and courage makes you feel very small by comparison. It sounds like she has a fantastic friend in you - she has clearly touched a lot of lives, and your grief and misery is a (hard) symbol of how terrific she is. Not much comfort, I know.

 

Venting is good. Also sometimes I tried to really enjoy the beauty and highs and lows of every day life for my brother - it seemed so cruel that someone so vibrant and full of life was denied the opportunity to get out there like he always used to; I thought at least one of us should be making the most of what the world has to offer. It didn't always work, but I did try to see the beauty and grace the world has to offer.

 

I'm a bit confused - has she cut of links with friends deliberately, or is that just circumstantial? I can understand how both would happen, and that's really tough to deal with. Can you write to her? I think I would love to get a letter from you, you express your feelings so well.

 

Take good care of yourself.

[NJRon]

She has cut her links deliberately. She felt that she would be better with this time alone and didn't want to "share the pain" with others. In fact, few knew that there was anything wrong until she decided to do this, since she never liked to talk about it openly. A letter is a good idea though. Thanks.

[Honey Pumpkin]

She has cut her links deliberately. She felt that she would be better with this time alone and didn't want to "share the pain" with others. In fact, few knew that there was anything wrong until she decided to do this, since she never liked to talk about it openly. A letter is a good idea though. Thanks.

 

I can understand her doing that, NJRon - seriously though, I would love to get a letter from you if I were her. Even just saying how you feel, and how she's touched your life. I'm so sorry for you, this is such a painful thing for you to be going through. I hope you can get the friendship and support you need in turn.

 

Take care

[ImThatGirl]

NJRon - I'm so sorry to hear about your pain and your friend.

 

I too am one that isolates myself when I'm going through emotional or physical pain. I'd rather isolate and freak out in privacy rather than with others watching or being affected.

 

I'd possibly even isolate myself if something was terribly wrong. Ex: I found a lump a couple months ago. I went to the doctor - we determined we'd monitor it. It comes and goes. I didn't tell my family. I don't want them to worry. It's easier for me to stay strong without leaning on people sometimes. (If that makes sense)

 

I'd say write her a letter. This will at least give you an opportunity to express your compassion and empathy. Hopefully she will actually get it and read it and it will bring comfort to her days.

[Scout]

In fact, few knew that there was anything wrong until she decided to do this, since she never liked to talk about it openly.

 

Hi, NJRon...sorry to hear about your friend. I assume from what you say above this is a real-life friend, not someone you know from the Internet? If so, that would mean you know some of her other friends, and can talk to them about this, as well. Perhaps you could all put your heads together and figure out a way to show her support.

[g44]

remember, it is not all about u. she is the one that is truly going through the rough stuff. think positive thought about her and send positive vibes. you will help her must by being strong and just being ready and there when she needs you. all the best.

[NJRon]

Yeah, I'm in the process of hunting down some of her other friends that would know the best way to get ahold of her and then just send a positive little note to let her know I'm just thinking of her... nothing about me, cuz it's not. It actually made me feel a lot better just getting it off my chest because, like I said, I was kind of at a loss for words as to what to say and, with all your help, realizing that all I really need to say is just kind of a "your still in our thoughts and prayers" note is probably the best way to show it right now.... I think that was the thing that was really bothering me... how can I show support without dragging things down? So, thanks all!

[moonflowers]

I lost an amazing, upbeat, creative, wonderful friend of mine to cancer earlier this summer, and went through a similar "funk" after I found out, so your experiences also seem familiar to me.

 

I believe that in these critical junctures, it's not so much what we say but that we said something at all that shows how much we care. The effort of getting a message to her in Japan from the States alone, I think, would touch her heart.

 

Best wishes to you in this tough time, and to your friend in her illness.