I'm having a really hard time...totally alone

[ReallyHurt]

To anyone who reads this long post, thank you. Any advice is appreciated.

 

My relationship with my boyfriend of four years ended two months ago. I made a post about it before. It's [thread=143903]here[/thread] if anyone wants to read it.

 

I'm having soooo many problems right now. NC is definitely not working for me. I tried and tried so many times. After I made that original post about him ignoring me, I actually heard from him and everything seemed like it was fine, since we decided to be friends, but after a while, I started to think that I really can't be friends with him like I want, because every single time I talk to him, I get upset. So about two weeks ago, I called him and asked him to please, please just try to put in some effort. I can't be without him anymore, blah, blah, blah, basically begging him to get back together with me. That was such a huge mistake. He told me that he would think about it and that he'd call me the next day. I told him that I knew he wouldn't really call and he had the nerve to argue with me and tell me that he would. Well, I haven't heard from him since and everytime I try to call, he ignores me.

 

This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so completely alone. He was my best friend and I didn't have anyone else. I'm only 21 years old and I've known him since I was a senior in high school. My high school friends have all moved on with their lives and it doesn't seem like they want anything to do with me. I tried hanging out with them yesterday, but they ended up ditching me and never calling me back. I tried hanging out with my sister's friends, but she's younger than me and they're all so immature, I can't even stand to be around them. I know I don't have much of a choice right now, but it makes me even more depressed to try. All I do is sit there, quiet.

 

So I'm basically here, at square one, I have to rebuild every single thing in my life. I know everyone here will probably tell me to get out and just do things for me, but it feels like it's impossible for me to do that right now. I feel like I've lost interest in everything. I'm not in school yet either, I go back in January and I don't meet people at my job.

 

So what can I do? I don't want to be totally alone without any social contact for the next couple of months. I'll seriously go crazy. I have no clue how to meet someone like me to be friends with. Every new person I meet seems like they are just out for themselves and that is so not my type. All I have is my family, but I know they're getting sick of listening to me.

 

There's nothing else I'd rather do than get over my ex. What he's doing to me is so cruel. I don't even now why we broke up. He just decided that he didn't want a relationship anymore (Fake reason!!!), while I still loved him with everything I had, but I can't even stop to think about anything else. I'm losing him and I've lost myself in the process. I have no friends and I'm alone, save for my sister, but she's only 17 and I need friends my age.

 

I'm starting to lose all hope of anything good happening for me in the near future. I don't even know what I can do to go about fixing my life. Everything I ever loved is gone and I'm all by myself.

[neolithic]

i know how you feel. i'm at university, so it would seem like i wouldn't be lonely.. but i am. i need to break up with my exboyfriend (again), he just makes me feel terrible about myself and about everything. i don't need that in my life, but i feel so lonely otherwise. i too am picky about the people i hang out with..

 

i know this is small, but maybe we can just sort of be 'pen pals' for a little while, if you think that would help you at all.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hi Reallyhurt-

 

First I wish i was with you because i'd give you the biggest hug.

 

I understand how you feel. I have been there many times myself and i know how hopeless and lonely it is.

 

It will get better.

 

Here are some things that i did to pull myself out of my depression, learn more about myself, build my confidence and make new friends in the process.

 

I made sure i took care of myself. I pampered myself with facials, pedicures, etc. all of that stuff you can do at home or go and treat yourself to one...but it feels good to pamper yourself. Especially when you are feeling so alone. I read books about anything, self help, novels whatever i wanted. It felt good to bury my face in a book and forget about my saddness and troubles for a while. I started taking piano lessons, sketching classes and tennis lessons. I did things that i enjoyed. I took walks and walked off my frustration. I just tried to take the time to get to know myself and to not be afraid to be alone.

 

Now, some of my most cherished time is time i spend with myself.

 

As for your ex-boyfriend, don't chase him. You are worth so much more than to chase a man who is not deserving of any love that you will ever give him.

 

Don't lose hope - i promise this will pass.

[ReallyHurt]

i know how you feel. i'm at university, so it would seem like i wouldn't be lonely.. but i am. i need to break up with my exboyfriend (again), he just makes me feel terrible about myself and about everything. i don't need that in my life, but i feel so lonely otherwise. i too am picky about the people i hang out with..

 

i know this is small, but maybe we can just sort of be 'pen pals' for a little while, if you think that would help you at all.

Sure...we can. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

After being with people like my ex who I loved talking to and his friends, I can't deal with having no one to talk to at all. All I think about is him, although he has literally cut me out of his life. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. It's really getting me down.

[ReallyHurt]

Thank you. I really need a hug right now. I never saw this kind of cruelty in him when we were together. That's why I'm so shocked to see it now. I keep asking myself if this is really happening.

 

I'll try everything you mentioned. It seems like everytime I try though, I can't continue with what I'm doing because he pops up in my head. I'm sick and honestly tired of feeling so bad, but it keeps happening anyways. All my other breakups, I had a friend to talk to who helped me get through it by going out with, but this friend is gone now.

 

I want to enjoy my life so badly, but I don't know how.

[DBL]

I understand what you all are going through. If I had a choice of being lonely or ignored. I would take being lonely. It is hard to realize that there is nobody there for you. Definitely not a good feeling. I didn't get any support when my x left me either.

 

Your just going to have to hang in there. I don't know much about pampering myself with pedicures and facials, but the piano and tennis were things that I thought of too, but that takes money as well.

 

Your not by yourself...your young and you don't see it now, but you have a lot of options to start your future into a new direction. Now is the time to try to find out more about yourself. To try new things. Now is the time to start setting your short term goals so you can start with a clean slate. You can't see the advantages right now, but you need to use the fuel that others are giving you by ignoring you to better yourself so you can turn around a few months for now and look back and realize they did you a favor. Then you get the fun of rubbing it in their face.

 

DBL

[Lady Bugg]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through.

 

Just hang in there. I know you don't see it now..but your ex is probably doing you the biggest favor of your life by NOT being your "friend". He demoted you..from g/f to "friend"....why would you WANT to be his friend?? The truth is...most times remaining friends with an ex is useless...and it does nothing but prolong the inevitable..which is that it's over.

 

If you are having a hard time finding friends...or things to do...

I highly suggest working out. It relieves anxiety..and you WILL feel much much better about yourself. Hey..if you have to imagine yourself getting into incredible shape..and having your ex see you looking awesome...then DO it. If that's what motivates you.

 

If money is an issue..working out does NOT require much. Maybe a few free weights, a bench. You can walk, bike ride....just stay in motion.

 

Setting goals is an an AWESOME thing as well. Make them short term though..weekly goals, monthly goals. This keeps you busy....and makes things more attainable.

 

Just try focusing on yourself...making yourself better.

It will get better. Promise.

[blemished]

The first thing you need to do is revamp how you perceive things. Envision your ex as an object on a road. Now envision yourself walking away from that object. That is what you need to do. The first 100 yards away from that object are the hardest steps you will ever take. Once you are miles away, things will be easier.

 

Second, you have to realize, accept and eventually appreciate that he is ignoring you. Walking away from a stationary object is much easier than walking away from a moving one!

Also, realize that by walking away, you are respecting HIS decision. In case he contacts you during your "walk", it is best to remind him of that.

 

Third, you need to find happiness in yourself independent of other people. Let me say what is not said enough: People suck. People will disappoint you, let you down, back-stab you, misunderstand you, intentionally misunderstand you, use you, and hurt you. Anyone who says differently is in denial about a lot of things. Yes, sometimes people will bring you joy and pleasure. But there will be times when this is not so, and in order to get through it, you need:

 

-to love yourself

-to have your own activities and interests for only YOU

-have self-confidence, and dignity

 

Hopefully, you will also form a plan for what you want out of a relationship, and what to do if one fails again. Everyone says you better have friends when your relationship ends-- well sometimes that is not possible. Welcome to the "I have no real friends" clique-- almost everyone is a member. If you're feeling really lonely, call family or get a dog. Try to meet people online if it's not too depressing. Read BOOKS. They are good friends. Post here. You'll get over this simply because your ex doesn't deserve your sorrow.

 

Hang in there. I am 3 months ahead of you. Feel free to PM anytime.

[missmebaby]

hey girl i definitely know how you feel, im going through something that is pretty similar to your situation right now. Im 20 years old and I dated my ex for a year, we just broke up 2 weeks ago. he gave me pretty much the same excuse your ex gave you. he said he was sick of us fighting and he just doesnt want a relationship anymore. ive tried the no contact and i just cant do it, it drives me crazy not to hear his voice or know what hes doing. ive tried begging him to take me back and everytime he says hes going to think about it and he keeps saying maybe we will get back together in a lil while but ill call him a few days later and he just gives me the same stupid excuses. he really makes no effort to ever contact me and he seems like hes doing totally fine without me.

 

i ditched all my friends to spend time with his friends and family and i got really close to them so its like im not only losing him but the rest of the people in his life that i was close to. since we've broken up ive had to try to rekindle those old friendships that i lost while i was with him. at times its very depressing because i dont get invited to some things and sometimes i miss having someone to talk to. but things have been getting better because i have made an effort to call them and made an effort to try and include myself in their plans. just try calling all your old friends and ask them what they are up to that night or ask them if anything is going on. i dont know if you have instant messanger but if you do, read some people's away messages and see if they give a clue to something that is going on. for example if someone's away message says "at mark's party" or "going to work out at the rec center." then just show up there and start talking to people, or call up your friends and tell them about the plans you heard of and ask them if they would like to go with you. dont sit around and wait for people to come to you, take action and invite others to things and even if theres nothing going on then invite some of your girl friends over for a girl's night and watch movies or call up a friend or two and ask them if they would like to go work out with you or something or ask if they want to go to the bar for awhile.

 

once you start getting in contact with people they will start to return the favor. its definitely worked for me these past 2 weeks. oh and one other thing. when you are out with your friends DO NOT act depressed or just sit there and dont talk. and dont continuously bring up your ex. your friends will think that ur just not fun to hang out with anymore and they wont invite you anywhere. do your best to be a happy fun person and your friends will like spending time with you! well i hope this helps, it definitely helped for me.

[DBL]

It relieves anxiety..and you WILL feel much much better about yourself. Hey..if you have to imagine yourself getting into incredible shape..and having your ex see you looking awesome...then DO it. If that's what motivates you.

 

I workout 4 times a week right now...and I am still popping xanax. But havning your ex drool over you...that should be good motivation! If your at school you should have access to their equipment. If you want to bike ride...somebody usually leaves a bike unlocked...just make sure you bring it back!

 

DBL

[life_of_ai]

I'm in a similar situation, my ex left me after 3.5 years. I moved from IL to FL in order for us to go to college together. She left me cuz she wanted the single life, but got with her new b/f 2 weeks later, hes in a frat and shes drinking and partying all the time now. She also joined a sorority and is alway hanging out with them now too. We've said we want to be remain friends, but I'm so low on her priority list right now. Yesterday she said shed call and we'd hang out a bit, but she never called for whatever reason. This morning she called me a total of 8 TIMES, and I never answered the phone.

 

I really dont have any friends right now. My high school friends are back in IL. My 1st year of college I spent on the phone talking to her, (shes a year younger and was a senior in high school). My 2nd year of college we were together, but she broke up with me before the semester started but got back together. She broke up with me 3 weeks before school ended in may. This year I find myself all alone, away from my family with no friends. Its so lonely. But I've been going to the gym everyday and run 4 miles a day. I hope to improve my image, but am still having trouble meeting people.

[DBL]

life_of_ai it ain't you...that is how Florida is. I been here for just over 2 years. Only decent people I meet are ones moving back up North. I would of been surprised if you and your womans relationship made it after moving to Florida for college. If I was you...I would transfer when the semister is over and go to a normal state. I'm thinking of bailing on Florida sometime next year.

 

In the meantime...I would just forget about her. Change your number and move on. You don't know it, but this is suppose to be some of the best years of your life. If I knew what I knew when I was your age...I would of stayed single until I hit my late 20's.

 

DBL

[ReallyHurt]

Yea...I try and try, but interest in my own life is just not there anymore. I don't know. I do love myself, but I find huge value in finding like-minded people to talk to...probably too huge.

 

It's so sad, everyone I've known HAS let me down. I'm 21 years old and everyone I've ever cared about, best friends and boyfriends, have always stabbed me in the back. I've never even broken up with any of them...They were always the ones to break up with me.

 

I was supposed to go out with two of my old highschool friends last night to a bar. I got home from work and called one. She told me she would call me back when they got there and tell me where they were. I never got the call. I don't need this right now!

 

missmebaby: Our situations are exactly the same. I felt like I was a part of his family and they treated me like I was, but now, THEY don't even return my calls either. I don't think I did anything to deserve this. I did get angry at him for the things he did to me, but if they hate me for that, then they're messed up.

[Majoraslayer]

I share the same situation with the op. Back in May I graduated from high school and watched as my friends scattered like leaves in the wind. They went off to colleges in other states, and since I had been focusing so much on my ex for the past three years I hadn't really gotten all that close to any other friends. My ex WAS my one and only best friend first, and lover second.

 

Now that we've broken up, I have no one else I can talk to. I have no way of hanging out with or contacting my old friends, and since I'm going to a trade school for the first year of college credit I won't be spending time near anyone within my own age range (most of the people in my class are later 30's to 40's). In this little town there is nothing to do for the younger generations (as in, we have a TON of golf courses, pharmacies, and doctor's offices but not even a real mall). Basically, I feel stranded in my own house.

 

The way that I've overcome the loneliness to a certain extent was realizing that, even though through this breakup I've lost my lover AND my entire repetoire of close friendships, I still have me. No matter what anyone ever does to you, you'll always have you. Get to know yourself better; try new things and see if you can come up with something you enjoy. If you can learn to entertain yourself, then you'll be happy alone. Just think back to the last time you were single; did you not have a good time then? This is your chance to get that back! Always remember, too, that before you can love someone else you must first learn to love yourself. Only then will you be happy enough to be ready for someone new!

[ReallyHurt]

The last time I was single, I had a best friend who I thought loved me. She's the one who introduced me to my ex. I remember being very depressed because I didn't have anyone in my life aka a man. She's a part of my ex's family now because she had his cousin's baby. So she's gone.

[Majoraslayer]

Did you have any other friends?

[ReallyHurt]

Always remember, too, that before you can love someone else you must first learn to love yourself. Only then will you be happy enough to be ready for someone new!

I am happy with myself, but I'm also extremely lonely.

 

Did you have any other friends?

Honestly, no. Me and her would hang out every single day. We even worked at the same place. Her mom kicked her out of their house and she lived with me for three months, then she hooked up with her boyfriend who she's with now and we had a big falling out.

 

All the people I used to know in high school, which wasn't even that many, are all busy with their new lives and all the new friends they've made in the four years when I was gone.

[DBL]

This is just part of life for most of us. People move on, peoples lives change, their hobbys, needs, friends, etc change. I rarely talk to my friends any more. Maybe once a few months or when something happens up North that I need to know about. Other then that I pretty much sit around. Nobody has been here for my seperation or divorce. The friends I depended never called and some would lie about where they were going so they didn't have to take me, that was my best friend that did that. About 10 months earlier he was crying about his x girlfriend and I put aside time to make sure he knew he had someone to look out for him. I made him stay at my house that night. I dont' drink anymore, but I had one with him anyway. He whined to my wife for 4 hours. We had snowball fights...whatever it took to get his mind off things. He was in bad shape. I called him almost every night at work just to make sure he was doing ok. I would talk to him for hours. When the tables turned and my wife split...He had better things to do.

 

I remember before I moved from NY. I stopped at a childhood friends house. I ran into him ealier that week so he told me to stop by. I did...and when I was there every friend he had from High School had called him. I couldn't believe it. After all these years these guys still hang out and make time for each other till this day. I think most of us would like to have friends like that.

 

Anyway...that is just how things work. You may be there for your friends, I may be there for my friends, but there is no guarentee that anybody will be there for us, but you do have people on here that will be there and they don't even know you.

 

DBL

[joyce1412]

reallyhurt, i just want to say i know how you feel. i have a thread in the "breaking up" board about some friends who recently betrayed me in a big way. it stung very badly, especially since it took a lot for me to try to build friendships with them...they were from my ex's crowd, and when we were still together i made many attempts to reach out to them and build a relationship with them, and this is unusual for me as i'm relatively shy and don't really make new friends a lot. i thought i had really found some special people there. i was wrong.

 

one thing my grandmother told me was, "well, i hate to break it to you, but i've had to get new friends about every ten years." she has a core group of people she relies on, mostly family: her brother, her sister in law, my family, and just a handful of close friends. she's in her seventies, and even with all her experience and wisdom, she herself only has a few people to truly rely on. it's something we learn in life, but i think when we find those people, and go through some hard times with them, we know who they are.

 

although people are much more fickle and self-centered in their twenties--my peer group, and yours also it looks like--people really do come and go your whole life. i think you're going to find some people. and although you may be disheartened because of your experiences with high school friends and whatnot, are you sure you can't dig deeper into that group and find some people? me, my best friends are from HS, and i've been so lucky to hold onto them. however, i can think of a few people whom, if i contacted them (like my best friend from elementary school, loyal and good-hearted to the core), would welcome me with open arms, even though we are not currently close.

 

if not them, keep looking. they're out there. my school therapist told me when i expressed my dismay at meeting good people, "you know, i really wish all my patients could get together and talk, because so many of them feel exactly as you do and want to meet people so badly." there are people out there just like you looking for a true friend. i hope you meet some, and learn to become a true friend so you may ATTRACT good friends in return.

 

i hope that helps you. i'm sorry you're hurting. so am i.

[ReallyHurt]

and although you may be disheartened because of your experiences with high school friends and whatnot, are you sure you can't dig deeper into that group and find some people?

High school was not a good time for me. I wasn't happy then at all and I am positive that I'm happier now. I was always different back then and no one understood where I was coming from about anything. I didn't get along with many people because I hated how shallow and stupid they could be, especially in the richie town where I live. Because of that, I always had very, very few friends at a time. I remember not having any at all sometimes because of how they annoyed the crap out of me.

[joyce1412]

High school was not a good time for me. I wasn't happy then at all and I am positive that I'm happier now. I was always different back then and no one understood where I was coming from about anything. I didn't get along with many people because I hated how shallow and stupid they could be, especially in the richie town where I live. Because of that, I always had very, very few friends at a time. I remember not having any at all sometimes because of how they annoyed the crap out of me.

 

well, sorry sweetie, but you seem to be shooting down a lot of our ideas regarding finding friends. if you keep making excuses for yourself, and continue to rule people out, you WILL end up alone.

 

it's really only going to help you to try to meet some people. i think it's better to try to find good friends and fail than have to come to terms with being all alone.

 

maybe try doing what those in the dating pool tend to do, which is checking out friends of friends. i know that's hard to do if you don't HAVE friends, but try meeting someone you know for coffee (maybe one of those semi-lame HS friends). you don't have to get close with her, but does she have any cool friends that she's known for a long time? people you'd be interested in getting to know better that seem to be loyal friends? i don't know, perhaps it's a stretch, but at least in this scenario you know that they've got one thing going for them, which is that they've been able to consistently maintain one friendship, which is with your HS friend.

 

i know what you mean about being in a ritzy town and there being so few un-shallow people. i live in LA so i'm very well acquainted with shallow. and i've found so few people that aren't all caught up with LA. but the point is, I FOUND PEOPLE. i had to look really hard, and even took some of them for granted for a while, but i came back around and saw them for who they are: great, unpretentious, caring people.

 

either way, i hope some people find you, and you find some people. i would be lost without my friends right now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It has been two weeks since my heart was shattered into a million pieces by betrayal from the one I cared about. This coming on the heals of several other personal crises. I too am worn out and disillusioned. I am also in a situation of starting all over making new friends. I am always the one who is there for people, who helps people when they are down, does favours for people, makes people feel welcome and wanted. Throughout my life I have also learned that just because you are there for them, it doesn't mean they will be there for you when the chips are down. I have some supportive people at work who call and make sure I am okay. I also have two friends I have known for over 25 years who are calling me to make sure I am okay. Today I forced myself to go to a singles brunch. Most of the people were over 50 so I am not interested in dating them. I did meet a woman my age who actually works close to my place of work. We seemed to have commonalities so we exchanged phone numbers and perhaps I have just made a new friend. I still came home and cried my eyes out because while I am back out there starting from scratch trying to meet someone, the guy who broke my heart is happily planning his wedding. But I am trying to soldier on, however painful it is. I have put the word out to friends and colleagues that I am looking to get fixed up. I don't know where all that will lead. I am just feeling so defeated.

[ReallyHurt]

well, sorry sweetie, but you seem to be shooting down a lot of our ideas regarding finding friends. if you keep making excuses for yourself, and continue to rule people out, you WILL end up alone.

I'm not trying to shoot ideas down. This is how my life has been so far. Thank you for your advice though. I'm trying as hard as I possibly can.

 

I don't know where all that will lead. I am just feeling so defeated.

I'm sorry about your pain. It's terrible. Sometimes, I question if this is really happening. It's a nightmare.