Why do we put up with Players?

[Goldfish6888]

Everyday I go onto Enotalone and I see stories like mine. "Giving" girls who are sensitive and kind and end up putting up with serious "players" that have no respect for honesty or kindness and are totally selfish.

 

We live according to their rules ie: meet them when they're "available", call them (but they don't return our calls, they tell us we're the one for them, they "love" us, when the only person they truly love is themselves? Why do we do it?

 

We believe they're going to change (just for us) but they never will.

 

We think we are the one that might "get through" to them.

 

We feel its real love. When real love is giving and unselfish and is YOUR FRIEND.

 

Real love is not unavailable at weekends

Real love calls you late at night - if you left a message that you had a bad day

Real love is there for you - when you need it.

 

More of us need to recognise that players need less of us to "play with"... Then their game is up...but as long as we "play" along, we massage their egos and keep their sense of power.

 

Anyway, I guess I just needed to get this OUT to all the gals who have dated or are considering dating a player......

[RayKay]

Good post

 

You know, I have to say, while I have dated men whom were definitely opposites of me, and maybe not emotionally on the same wavelength as me, I have managed to not date any "players", well not beyond one or two dates I guess where I realized they were and walked away.

 

I cannot really say what the difference is between those whom date players and those whom don't, other than that many women are attracted to the qualities that players can posess - "confidence" and charisma for example. I think perhaps too there is some "pride" in being the one whom "converts" a player that some women go for.

 

And honestly, there are many men whom go for the female version of "players". Those type of women whom thrive on drama, looking to be saved, and will display tendencies to create drama. "Players" play with people's emotions and love - not just cheat/sneak around.

 

I also think many women and men put "up" with players because some part of them also really does not believe that there is different, or that they deserve better...and so they deal with it, hoping for that change.

 

But you are absolutely right, that it is not real love. Because in my books, true love is reciprocal. You may "love" them, but I think you are in love more with what you want them to be, or the drama, or the "romance". True love receives while it gives, it compromises and works together - not sacrifices one person for the other. It's built on communication, mutual respect, teamwork. These are things that "players" cannot provide.

 

Oh, and real love involves you being YOU, your own person, and being loved and accepted 100% for that. Not "forming" your personality to suit what you think would be the "perfect" fit for them. I guarantee that you will never truly feel safe and secure if you change whom you are to gain "love" either.

[Momene]

I will be cynical here and say that men and women who go for players are often immature.

 

I'll also say that men need to be "just bad enough".

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

As a man who's lost the battle of a woman's heart to players before, I have to say I really enjoyed your post. You're 100% right, players don't change and what a player is offering isn't love, it's a method to get you into bed for sexercise.

 

How do I know? I've had a couple of the women who fell for the player's line come back to me saying they've made a huge mistake and asking if we could try again. Heck, in one case I did even try again and although we're not together anymore, we still are the best of friends with each other. And that there is the very definition of a good relationship right there. No matter what, you're best of friends first.

 

Now if more women (and men) could learn to watch out for players the world would have a lot less pain. I know all the women I know that picked players over me were good decent women who ended up being used then tossed aside. They didn't deserve that and I know for a fact a few of them are very untrusting of all men now.

[rose2summer]

Well, I think it's being able to spot a player. I sure know that when I start dating again (in the long future), I will be coming here with all the details of the guy asking for advice to see if he is a good guy or a player, because people here are so wise, and I am very naive...

[Luke Skywalker]

From what I'm reading in sosuave, possibly here, the books, and social anxiety sites, I'm being indoctrinated to believe exactly what this poster is saying. Now I'm not sure about real life experience and players - but tend to believe that 20% of guys have success with 80% of women - or the heirarchical distribution rule - and that applies elsewhere.

 

But let's assume the player is the 20%, then naturally he will know how to trigger attraction and appeal to 80% of women out there and the psychology as well. Conceptually, according to a player, a woman's idea of romance is wanting someone who doesn't want them. A woman's friend or chump is used as an 'emotional tampon' once they get jerked aside from the player, while the friend is never taken seriously romantically or sexually. So, players play women for sex, and women play men who have been used by players as emotional tampons, stringing them along with a false sense of security that they have changed their ways, only to fall for another player and leave the guy feeling inadequate all over again.

 

In all, the other 80% of unsuccessful men cant help but feeling sexually inadequate as they see their object of affection, which they may perceive as not being shallor or superficial, either going for a player, or cheating on them with a player. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, such as those which are those who simply find the right person in life and leave it at that.

 

So, in answer to your question, women go for players because they know how to act and conduct themselves in a way that is appealing for most women. Players are either have a natural appeal, or they have learned something, but one thing that's lacking is they cant keep a relationship, and even if they like someone, their curse is that it their object of affection will ultimately go for someone else. Yes, it is the trajedy that is also seen in most of the stuff that I'm reading, as though what goes around comes around.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Well, I think it's being able to spot a player. I sure know that when I start dating again (in the long future), I will be coming here with all the details of the guy asking for advice to see if he is a good guy or a player, because people here are so wise, and I am very naive...

 

That is very true. Players are hard to spot. I know I have a good friend that I met here on this forum who was having a hard time with players. I'm happy to say that she's finally found herself a nice guy and I couldn't be happier for her and she's in heaven herself =) Thank god, she's a wonderful woman and deserves a great guy. Honestly it was the first guy she told me about that I said, don't let this one get away. The rest were players that I could spot a mile away, but she didn't really see it.

 

Sometimes it takes a person of the same sex to spot the players. After all, when it comes to men, we know all the tricks we can do. We also know how to see each other's BS.

 

I know I'll be here to help out anybody who might need an opinion about whether or not someone's a player or not.

[chai714]

Simply put, players know how to make a woman feel special while maintaining aloofness when they're not around you. The atmosphere or environment they create is one in which their "target" desires when the player is not around. Many players become so good at this that they are able to juggle multiple "targets." While putting in "time" with one "target" their other "targets" thirst for the feelings that the "player" gives them - usually which consist of making them feel special, happy, and good about themselves.

 

It's often times not easy for people to distinguish if they're with a "player" because they experience an emotional high while with these "players."

 

*"Players" may be male or female

*"Targets" refers to the male or female a "player" is seeing.

[Momene]

... but how many men really are 100% nice guys or players? I'm a nice guy in that I've been married for 17 years and never had sex with another woman. However, I am guilty of playing other women for attention, as I like to think I could "pull" if I really wanted to.

[Beec]

Simply put, players know how to make a woman feel special while maintaining aloofness when they're not around you. The atmosphere or environment they create is one in which their "target" desires when the player is not around. Many players become so good at this that they are able to juggle multiple "targets." While putting in "time" with one "target" their other "targets" thirst for the feelings that the "player" gives them - usually which consist of making them feel special, happy, and good about themselves.

 

It's often times not easy for people to distinguish if they're with a "player" because they experience an emotional high while with these "players."

 

*"Players" may be male or female

*"Targets" refers to the male or female a "player" is seeing.

 

Yes, and understanding how the manipulation works is the key to avoiding being manipulated. If you see it coming, and it still works, then you have got to change something.

 

We all manipulate and get manipulated. It's the frame of mind that really matters.

[tylercdurden2004]

Personally I am confused by this post. What exactly is a player as you are referring to it. Everything you have listed can be found in a lot of people at some point in time in a relationship.

 

Everyday I go onto Enotalone and I see stories like mine. "Giving" girls who are sensitive and kind and end up putting up with serious "players" that have no respect for honesty or kindness and are totally selfish.

 

You talk of disrespect, no honesty, selfishness but what do you mean by that, the person doesnt shows you respect at all, some times? What do you mean by disrespect, spitting, swearing at someone, not doing waht you want to do?

 

We live according to their rules ie: meet them when they're "available", call them (but they don't return our calls, they tell us we're the one for them, they "love" us, when the only person they truly love is themselves? Why do we do it?

 

What are the rules you talk of? Of course if you are talking about self-centred, extremely selfish people well yeah they should be avoided whether its a relationship friendship etc.

 

We believe they're going to change (just for us) but they never will.

We think we are the one that might "get through" to them.

 

Do you not think this may very well be propagating the issue. You try and change them, they try to get further away(playing in teh context of this thread).

 

We feel its real love. When real love is giving and unselfish and is YOUR FRIEND.

 

At what point is it real love? Love and reraltionships area all about give and take. So love has an element of taking or more precisley being open to the giving of others. Love and friendship are two different things.

 

Real love is not unavailable at weekends

Real love calls you late at night - if you left a message that you had a bad day

Real love is there for you - when you need it.

 

Where are these established rules? Unavailable on the weekends? Are you referring to the initial dating period (2-3months), are you referring to a long-term relationship (1 year)?

 

Calling late at night? What do you consider late at night? Could they be acting considerate and not wanting to wake you up?

 

Real love is there when you need it? Doesnt that depend on the context of the relationship? If YOU are the one constantly NEEDING the REAL love then I could imagine it would be a bit tiring for the OTHER party to the relationship.

 

 

More of us need to recognise that players need less of us to "play with"... Then their game is up...but as long as we "play" along, we massage their egos and keep their sense of power.

 

Certainly if someone is dating you for an ego boost you need to drop them ASAP.

 

Anyway, I guess I just needed to get this OUT to all the gals who have dated or are considering dating a player

 

Sure its a rant. Thats what enotalone is for. I just dont see anything that would constitute as solid evidence of someone being a player. But then again I dont think I've ever dated one.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

People date players because they have no self respect - harsh but true. It's as much a problem with the "victim" as with the "player"...both need a serious psychological makeover.

[savannahohsavannah]

I think we get overly involved, too soon, with a man at whom we would not bat one eyelash! And that's not them, it's US. Neediness, maybe?

[renaissancewoman101]

People date players because players present a "challenge" to us.

 

They challenge us to conquer them, tame them.

 

They give us the hunt that we all crave deep inside.

[Momene]

There could be a point to that but while some people are players when they are young, I'd say once someone gets to 30 and are still doing it, don't think of doing anything long term with them.

[Juha]

People who date players have very low self esteem...

 

The players can pick out the ones who are needy and weak.

 

A strong person gives the player the boot after the first or second date, the weak needy ones crave the player's attention.

 

Had a friend, a girl she was dating someone and she would call to come over and he would tell her that he did not want her to come over and she would get upset and cry but she put up with it because she was needy and weak.

It took her 8 months to figure it out and give him the boot.

[Goldfish6888]

Hi to Tyler

 

You seemed kind of defensive in your response.

 

What I mean by a player - is someone who lies, cheats.....all the while pretending that "you are the only one" in their life, when they have a lot more going on. A player commits to no one but himself. The disrespect I refer to-is the dishonesty. The selfishness I speak about - is someone who is more zoned in on "their wants and needs", rather than yours ie; a taker, rather than a giver.

 

I think there is nothing worse in a relationship - than dishonesty, whether thats by bared faced lies or omission. It makes a farce of a relationship. Why bother? A player is someone who actually has no respect either for himself, or the multiple people he dates. I mean we can all date a lot of people, as long as we are open about that and open about "being exclusive" if that is what we want. A player will tell you "we are exclusive" but in fact, you are not. He has many other people in his life. It is non-committal. It is not love - even though he may tell you he does indeed love you.

 

Well I'm glad that you haven't dated a player - they say only needy people date them, but I would consider myself...and optimist - i like to see the best in people - which is why i dated a player for 6 months.