Virginity **************

[Sally00]

If I was a virgin, I don't think I would be as courageous in sharing it.

How come? Would you be ashamed?

 

I know I'M not ashamed. I can stand on top of a mountain and say it lol.

[vandgsmom]

Oh, no, not ashamed. I knew that was going to be taken the wrong way.

 

I just mean that I usually over-worry about what other people's perception of me is. I spent most of my life almost until my divorce trying to fit into the box exactly of whomever I was around. When I was around more sexually active friends, I was more comfortable and almost flaunted my very few sexual exploits. When I was around my more prudish church friends I fell back into my ashamed of myself, I am a good girl rut. I think since my emancipation from worrying over what others think that I have come to realize that I am both of those people. I am a good girl. Actually quite prudish by societys average and very selective. However, once you cross my bridge I have quite a bit of hidden kink. I like me this way.

 

What I was trying to convey was that if I had been a virgin at this point in my life and never gone through all that I did, I think I would still be that person that is trying to tell you the truth as you want to hear it. To the sexual adventurers I would probably just keep my mouth shut, and to the prudes I don't think it would be dinner conversation. Basically, without all the rambling, what I am trying to say is that I just don't think that I would have had the guts to just say it and also be proud of it. No matter if I did good or bad I always felt like I was letting down one part of me or the other.

 

Ok--- sorry guys. I have so just brought myself down for the night. Nyquil and bed for me....

[Momene]

Well all I can say is that when you're in your 50s, none of it really matters that much whether you lost your virginity at 15, 20, 30 or later. Yes, there's the religious aspect (which I agree with) but think that there's far worse sins being committed around me on a daily basis. Just listen to the office gossips or watch the news.

 

I guess in many ways I'm pretty average, although I was 20 when I had my first time and 23 when I had my first serious relationship.

 

Now there's a lot of hype about good sex and I can honestly say I'd been to bed with 6 girls without knowing what good sex was. But is having good sex as important as having good food, etc? If 2 virgins marry and both are bad in bed but they don't know any different, is it such a terrible thing?

 

In hindsight I'd say don't wait for marriage but definitely wait for someone special and when dating new partners get to kn ow each other as people before the sex bit.

[handsdown]

I just want to start off saying that I have nothing against people who choose to wait, standing up for your beliefs is admirable in any situation! I just have some questions for those of you who have made the decision to wait for marriage/someone special.

 

I lost my virginity at quite an early age, I was 13 just about 14. It was with a boy who was 15 and I can honestly say I was very much ready to do it. (I was not pressured by peers or him for example) I stayed with him for 2 years and we had a really nice relationship. We were very young, and we had an amicable breakup in highschool because of just that, we decided we were much too young to be saying "forever". However, I have no regrets even to this day (im now 24) and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I DO receive a large amount of ridicule from a fair amount of people I have told about my choice to lose myself so early, just as I'm sure those who choose to save themselves until marriage get some funny looks at times, especially in this day and age.

 

My question to you guys is, you are saving it for the right person, the one you want to spend the rest of your life with correct? Have you ever considered that there may be more than one "right" person? I have had several boyfriends I have slept with and each one has a special part in my life and has taught me something new or different about sex. Through my numerous sexual experiences I have realized so much about the spirituality of sex and what a wonderful thing it is to share with someone. Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair share of sexual experiences with people who were not so wonderful too, but I chalk it up to a mistake I will learn from more than a big regret.

 

What happens if say, you marry someone or give yourself to someone and even if you've known them for years, you change and they turn out not to be mr or miss right? What happens if you are completely not sexually compatible? (believe me it happens!)

 

I ask these questions because I am genuinely curious, I don't want to offend anyone at all, I just like to challenge opinions. I firmly believe that sex is a wonderful thing to be enjoyed and not feared as the be all and end all of things you can give to the one you love the most.

 

I have never equated sex as a love object that I "give" away like flowers or a ring. I have never believed that by having sex I somehow cheapen myself and my relationship with the person I sleep with. I have a lot more to offer than my unbroken hymen (sorry to offend!! )

 

I have known girls who have saved themselves for that perfect guy, had sex, only to find out the perfection they saw was flawed. It's just so easy to be mistaken, so why waste a lifetime waiting?

 

I'd love to hear all your opinions on what I've just said, and as I've said before, I have nothing against your choices at all, I am just insatiably curious!

[Aragorn]

OK,

 

another note...

 

I have noticed quite a few posts that say "I am a virgin but not waiting for marriage, just the right person..."

 

To me that is just saying the opputunity hasn't come up yet... I believe the right person IS your spouse, after the knot is tide the whole deal...

 

The first girl I gave it too, I really did want to marry (at the time) and I guess that is EXTRA why I was sooo demolished when she broke up with me... (check my post history to see the thread)

 

 

Matt

[WalkingWithGod]

I am guy and I have made it to 28 don't see anything changing!

 

First off for all of those that are not married and not virgins, I understand that not everyone agrees with me. Also, as much as the "free sex" culture bothers me I think there are definitely worse things people can do and so I hope that people don't think I am trying to hurt anyone's feelings or speak badly of people. I would also like a reply from this post, because obviously I have not had any sex. Although I don't feel particularly naive being apart of this hyper sexualized culture and having had far too many attempts made on me I think I always have a lot to learn and would like to learn anything I can. I added this post to this forum because the people in this forum seem to be particularly thoughtful and genuine.

 

I am 28 and a virgin. I am mainly a virgin, because I believe God's plan is for sexuality to be expressed between one man and one woman for life without anyone else in between. In my understanding and experience of talking with people who have not maintained their virginity until marriage here are some reasons I think sex before marriage is harmful and waiting for sex until marriage is positive.

 

I am a virgin because I see sex outside of marriage as not loving and I want all of my relationships to be loving especially the one I have with my wife. (See below my definition for love.) Sex is a type of love when practiced within a life long committed relationship. Outside of a life long committed relationship it is a type of irresponsibility and selfishness, because it introduces your partner to risk without you being willing to make the commitment to take care of them and ensure that this strong bond created by sex will not be broken. I see sex outside of marriage as generally being selfish and reckless. Marriage is not hard to do it is just a commitment that needs to be made. So if two people are really in love there should not be a reason to postpone marriage until after sex. People who are having sex outside of a marriage relationship do not generally think about how bad the person will be hurt when the relationship ends, how they will hurt the future relationship their partner will be in, how they will hurt the spouse of the person they are partners with, the possibilities of being a good father to a child that might come out of the relationship, or the 1 in 5 (statistic for the adult population in the USA) chance of giving an STD to your current partner or contracting one to give to the person you will be with in the future. I am sure it feels wonderful, but I think there are other ways you can make your partner happy without introducing them to this much risk and hurt.

 

Sex is also often used as a bargaining chip for women and a power high for men. I have seen many relationships where the man may only want to have sex and them woman uses the sex to try and form a deeper bond with a man she probably doesn't love but wants to stay with because she longs for affection from a man. I don't know of any relationships where I guy tried to have sex to form a deeper bond with a woman outside of a marriage relationship. When I talk to men about non marital sexual relationships I have never heard a guy talk about the sex as a way to form a bond between the two people. As far as I have experienced it is simply a pleasurable act, which they won't mind doing with the next person they meet in the next relationship.

 

Another aspect as to why I don't think people should have premarital sex is because like I said before it builds an artificial bond between two people which can only really be appreciated in a life long committed relationship. Outside of this life long committed relationship it brings distrust, hurt, and keeps us bound in a relationship that is only superficially satisfying. I believe sex and at times the children that result keep people in very painful and destructive relationships when they could be out finding the one they truly long to be with. Also, sex is such a powerful force that once a person has tasted this fruit they long for it so much that they worry more about the sex and less about the more important aspects of a relationship like love and compatibility so they will be more willing to settle for someone that mainly provides them sex.

 

I think that by keeping my virginity I have automatically proven at least some trustworthiness in my ability to be faithful to my spouse. I have also trained myself to be faithful to my spouse. Sexuality in my belief is largely a learned behavior and so now before I am married I have the option of practicing to be promiscuous or faithful and whichever way I choose will fall into my marriage. I think faithfulness is critically important in a sexual relationship. I don't know of any tribe or culture in which faithfulness within a sexual relationship is not held in high regard and virginity before marriage is not also held in high regard.

 

Here is my main definition for love it comes from the Bible 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self - seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

[Sally00]

I am guy and I have made it to 28 don't see anything changing! .......................

You sure said it, WalkingwithGod.

I agree with everything you just said.

There should be more people like you.

You seem like a really good man.

Any woman would be LUCKY to have you.

I'm very proud.

 

 

 

I have noticed quite a few posts that say "I am a virgin but not waiting for marriage, just the right person..."

 

To me that is just saying the opputunity hasn't come up yet... I believe the right person IS your spouse, after the knot is tide the whole deal...

I agree with you as well. The right person is your spouse.

[RayKay]

No, I am not a virgin, and nor was my partner when I met him.

 

And honestly, it does not matter to either of us. I do not regret my past, nor does he his. And I really don't think either of us would say "we wish we had waited". I have had some very special people in my life, and he in his, and they are part of whom we are today.

 

I do not believe my worth, and ability to be a loving, giving, fully committed partner is dependent on whether I am a virgin or not. Maybe it is because I believe there is also far more depth to me than that. And I feel the same for my boyfriend. I never based my acceptance or love for him on his sexual status, or his "number". It was based on whom he is a person - his character, personality - his "whole person".

 

For us, it is more important that we are one another's "lasts" then firsts. And you find that honestly, because every relationship is so different, having had a partner previously really does not take away from the experience you have together - you have a whole different intimate experience unique to the two of you to explore, that in my opinion is not affected by the fact you have had previous experiences.

 

And the fact that we have both had sex before marriage and each other, does not take away from our commitment, and faithfulness either. Nor does it take away from the many levels of our relationship that go beyond the physical.

 

For the record we do plan to get married, we also "live in sin" together (though neither of us are religious so it's not sin to us...well if it is, it sure is a great experience!). However, we are not able to get married at this point due to my current needs for student loans which would not be available to me if I was of married status.

[anydaynow]

I am not a virgin. My bf and I both were when we met 8 years ago- at 19 and 20. I don't regret not waiting, but I do think it is kind of special that we were each other's firsts. Although I don't think it would have mattered if we weren't virgins when we met. Actually, I assumed he wasn't and he assumed I wasn't, so we were both surprised!

 

When I was a virgin, it was easy to stay that way, because virgins don't know how good sex is! (I mean that is a humorous manner, not meant to belittle anyone's accomplishment of remaining a virgin...)

[handsdown]

Walkingwithgod, that was an excellent breakdown of reasons to stay a virgin, a lot of them really made sense, especially the part about displaying the ability to remain faithful (ie having the discipline to not give in to sexual temptations)

 

I too am bothered by the way that sex has become this tool of power, black mail and corruption, sex should NEVER be that, no matter how many partners one has had.

 

I think your opinion that sex outside of marriage is reckless etc really only applies to those who have more "random" sex. I don't think anyone should be going out and sleeping with someone they hardly know just for the fun of sex, BUT sex outside of marriage with someone you have a genuine connection with, you trust and who you know is clean (has been tested for STD's regularly) is really not any more risky than marrying someone who you have never been with sexually.

 

I don't know, just my two cents, and much praise to you for standing up for what you believe in! It's so nice to see people who don't just "go with the flow"

[Sally00]

For us, it is more important that we are one another's "lasts" then firsts.

You don't really know that till you are married, whether they will be the last.

I know my boyfriend is the one. We talk about marriage constantly. He will be my first AND last. He is the one I want to give myself to because we are very much in love. But, I am still waiting till the actual day we are married because God intends it to be that way.

 

I think that there is equal importance for both first and last.

[melrich]

You don't really know that till you are married, whether they will be the last.

 

Well to be honest being married does not mean that you know "x" will be your last.

[Sally00]

Well to be honest being married does not mean that you know "x" will be your last.

Ok well forget about the statistics saying that half of all marriages end in divorce.

 

When people marry each other, they intend that person to be their last person... the one they'll spend the rest of their lives with. They don't think of how they might end up cheating on them, how they might die the next day, etc.

[nottoogreen]

Ok well forget about the statistics saying that half of all marriages end in divorce.

 

When people marry each other, they intend that person to be their last person... the one they'll spend the rest of their lives with. They don't think of how they might end up cheating on them, how they might die the next day, etc.

 

Don't criticise your partner's faults. It's because of them that they didn't get a better partner.

 

We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.

 

Such is life.

[Managor]

To answer the OP question, yup, virgin, and no, I don't see anything special about waiting until I'm married. If it were entirely my choice I probably wouldn't ever have sexual relations with a future significant other.

[RayKay]

You don't really know that till you are married, whether they will be the last.

I know my boyfriend is the one. We talk about marriage constantly. He will be my first AND last. He is the one I want to give myself to because we are very much in love. But, I am still waiting till the actual day we are married because God intends it to be that way.

 

I think that there is equal importance for both first and last.

 

I appreciate your comments, but we DO know, because of our experiences, because we are making that choice to be. We are at the point in our lives where we do know, we are not kids anymore or making these comments based on fantasy or hope, but because we have realistic expecations of what relationships, and marriage are about. That's all I can really say about that.

 

When I was 18, I THOUGHT the guy I was with would be the one, but life did not turn out that way as he passed away when I was 22. Was I supposed to spend the rest of my life celibate and in mourning because he should be my first AND last? No, and he would not have wanted that either. Not even marriage is a guarantee that you will be together forever. Maybe ideally yes, but it is not a guarantee. Even if neither of you believe in divorce, well, I know others whom have thought the same and things did not work out because it only takes one person to decide they do not want to do it anymore...love is a choice, not just a feeling.

 

My mother and stepfather have been together 20+ years and CHOSE not to get married together, yet they certainly are in it for the long haul. Because they are not married does not change their commitment to one another. He is her biggest supporter, she is fighting for her life through breast cancer right now, and he is by her side through treatments, body altering surgeries, and a lot of scary times. The fact they are not one anothers "firsts" or married does not mean they cannot choose to be one anothers lasts.

 

Of course, I am not saying that in your case, it would work out that way either, and I hope it does work out as you hope. Nor am I saying that because WE place importance on the last, that others cannot place it on the first. This is what WE as a couple put importance on because we accept one another as we are, pasts included. I am just saying don't criticise others for making the choice to have previous partners, and insinuate that because of that they don't have the ability to make a decision as to whether someone is the right person for them or not, or say from an outside view that their relationship is somehow "less" because they are not each other's "firsts".

[WalkingWithGod]

For those of you who have had sex and don't regret it at all. How sure are you that the person you end up spending your life with will not be at all hurt or feel less excitement than if you hadn't had sex with someone else. I am a 28 year old virgin and hope to marry a virgin, but don't expect to. I will be immensely excited if the person I marry is a virgin, but like I said I don't expect to. People have much more to offer than just their virginity, but it is a very beautiful and wonderful thing to offer. Also, do you feel like having sex now will hurt or help your chances at remaining faithful when you get married? Please be honest. Remember that at least over 70% of people aren't virgins by the time they are 25 and of those that are most probably have some other sexual history so I don't think anyone is weird or terrible if they aren't virgins, but I still think we should try to be responsible and keep our future spouses feelings in mind when we make our choices in life. Also, what effects has having sex in your current relationships had on the relationship. Please try to be honest. This is a very sensitive topic and many people have been regrettably hurt on boths sides by the stigmatizisms in society of virgins and non virginis, but hopefully I can get some honest responses.

[RayKay]

How sure are you that the person you end up spending your life with will not be at all hurt or feel less excitement than if you hadn't had sex with someone else.

 

Well, because for us that past does not matter. As I said before, the experience we had is still the first for us TOGETHER. Every relationship is different, every couple interacts differently. Sex is more than physical, as it is emotional. And those emotions can make that experience "new" in it's own way. Our sexual dynamic together is different than it was for us with anyone else. Him having had previous partners does not make me feel any less excited, or hurt! We are in the now, and the future...not the past.

 

As for how do I know they are't hurt..because they aren't! We love and accept one another as whom we are, not for what we aren't (ie virgins).

 

 

Of course if he WAS a virgin (my partner) that would not have changed my acceptance or love for him either, as he is the person he is, and that is whom I love.

 

I am a 28 year old virgin and hope to marry a virgin, but don't expect to. I will be immensely excited if the person I marry is a virgin, but like I said I don't expect to. People have much more to offer than just their virginity, but it is a very beautiful and wonderful thing to offer.

 

That is wonderful, I am so glad you do see that people are more than their virginity. I do of course think it is important that you two are compatible in terms of values and morals, but that does not necessarily mean that someone whom is not a virgin is not, nor does it not mean that maybe they have learned new morals and values as they aged.

 

Also, do you feel like having sex now will hurt or help your chances at remaining faithful when you get married?

 

 

No, it does not hurt my chances at all! It does not hurt them NOW while not married, nor will it when I am. I am an extremely loyal and committed person, with great respect and love for my partner and what we have together. I will not betray that because I am committed to him in my heart and mind, as he is to me.

 

Now, I am not saying having had sex makes me MORE faithful, because that is something that really is something that comes from the person inside, not their sexual experience in my opinion. I may have been just as faithful if I had never had sex.

 

I know both couples whom waited until marriage whom have gone through affairs in their relationships, and others whom did not wait whom have not. But also I have seen the reverse in those situations, so I really think this is more about the person as a whole, and what commitment means to them as an individual, and their own morals and values.

 

Please be honest. Remember that at least over 70% of people aren't virgins by the time they are 25 and of those that are probably have some other sexual history so I don't think anyone is weird or terrible if they aren't virgins, but I still think we should try to be responsible and keep our future spouses feelings in mind when we make our choices in life.

 

 

Honestly, I guess I did not live my life thinking of someone I had not met yet. I tried to live for what was right for me, made my decisions based on my own morals, values, ideas and what not. For me, I would not have chosen to not have sex based on what a future spouse "might think" as for me, a future spouse right for me would be someone whom, like my partner, accepts me for me as a whole. Not one whom would base their decision to be with me on whether or not I was a virgin.

 

However, note that in a partnership, I do make decisions with them in mind, actually we make life changing decisions together because we are a team in life.

 

Also, what effects has having sex in your current relationships had on the relationship. Please try to be honest and not defensive.

 

I have no reason to be defensive. I am not ashamed of my choices.

 

What effect, well, I believe it is just one of the levels of intimacy we share together. It does not in any way mean we do not communicate and express ourselves together on the other levels - mentally, spiritually, emotionally...but that in addition we also share that physical aspect. For us, it is about pleasure together, sharing our bodies and enjoying one another. I don't think it fundamentally has an impact on whom we are as a couple, but it is an important dynamic at the same time.

[Sally00]

Wow. I think people are putting WAYYY too much thought into this.

I am waiting till marriage because it is what God wants.

Plus, if the relationship ends, I will hurt a hell of a lot more because THAT is the person I gave myself to. The only person who deserves that is my husband.

[WalkingWithGod]

I am about to leave my computer for the day and just wanted to thank RayKay for responding to my questions.

[djbeasley]

Be carefull of who you date and always know their background in this respect. I was very proud of myself for being a virgin for so long and I never wanted to have sex until I was married. It would just be that much better...right? Me and this girl had gotten into a very serious relationship and I had no clue whether she was a virgin or not. Things happened and I had got pressured into it. Know the person you are with. I really dont like taking chances with people who are not virgins, just because they are use to that part in a relationship. Whenever you separate them from that part, a lot of times they dont know how else to show their love. I think its really awesome to see 21 year old virgins holding out for the man they know their gonna love for the rest of their lives. Congrats ladies... and gentlemen.

David

[canonman]

Well said dude.

[canonman]

i was a virgin until i was 23 i waited long. thought was the right person but ended very shortly.. it wasnt as i planned...but it happenned. but now i met someone who i could be with very long time.. our 1 yr anniversary is in 2 weeks! so happy for that!!

 

23 is not waiting a long time, I've got friends who are still waiting in their mid 30s. But, the avg age I'm sure is much younger than it used to be.

[highonyou]

i caved at 16, and i regretted it so much. peer pressure and alcohol are not a good mix.

 

i do think sumtimes that maybe if i didnt lose my virginity that night, i wouldnt have been so easily persuaded to sleep with the next 2 guys i went out with and would have been a virgin when i met my snugglebunny.

 

but "what if"s and "maybe"s are wasted thoughts and dont change anything.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

I think virginity is overrated by some people.