Why do we quickly forget our ex's short-comings???????](*,)

[Riggz41510]

Why is it that when you break up(dumpee) with someone you quickly forget all of their wrongs and only focus on their good? I swear I frequently think of my ex and it always seems to be the good times we shared.

 

Our sex life was horrible, bad communication, she kept her home like a pig pen, but I even find myself mentally willing to settle for it if we would be able to be back together.. Even though when we were together I frequently thought of leaving her.

 

Why in my mind does it seem like she was just this perfect woman? For every wrong thing I can think of in my mind that she did/does; I quickly counteract it with a well she only did that because of something I did. When I clearly know she did not want to compromise.. We had plenty of opportunities to make things work.

 

I sometimes wonder if the things I wanted from her, will she do it for the next guy, and why if I meant so much you weren't willing to do it for me?? I never really asked for much; communication, a healthy sex life, stop blowing up at every thing. I don't think those are weird requests..

 

Why does someone else get to reap the benefits of all the years we had together. I know I was a learning experience and what she learned from me she will take on into her new relationship.. Its just not fair..

[sukerbut]

man you are so on the money its not even funny..haha becasue you loved her thats why other wise you would of been the dumper right?

[Daddy Bear]

Why does someone else get to reap the benefits of all the years we had together. I know I was a learning experience and what she learned from me she will take on into her new relationship.. Its just not fair..

why is that not fair? isn't the same true for you?

[Riggz41510]

man you are so on the money its not even funny..haha becasue you loved her thats why other wise you would of been the dumper right?

 

I still love her.. I was just willing to put up with it hoping eventually she would realize how much I loved her and work on her..

[Riggz41510]

why is that not fair? isn't the same true for you?

 

 

She said her issues with me were I weren't family oriented enough.. She wanted to do more things as a family. She says she wants a man who is more family oriented..

 

Well my new lady doesn't have any kids, so we wouldn't have that problem..

I still see myself as the same person..

[Dako]

You'll see her faults more clearly in the future, and will see the futility of trying to mold her to your desires. You may even pity her next guy.

[RayKay]

Why does someone else get to reap the benefits of all the years we had together. I know I was a learning experience and what she learned from me she will take on into her new relationship.. Its just not fair..

 

Well, you will move on too you know.

 

Anyway, you have to remember EVERY relationship dynamic is different. What makes you think she will "change" for the next guy, or that they would not have new issues entirely?

 

I sometimes wonder if the things I wanted from her, will she do it for the next guy, and why if I meant so much you weren't willing to do it for me?? I never really asked for much; communication, a healthy sex life, stop blowing up at every thing. I don't think those are weird requests..

 

You also have to remember relationships are not about molding the other person into what we want them to be, or they doing same to us. If you do not accept and love them for whom they are, rather than for what they "could be"...well, something is not right there.

 

Relationships are not about "putting up with it" hoping for them to change...

 

Those "wants" are NOT unreasonable, and it is your right to have them. But.....she was not the one to provide them for you apparently, which only means...she was not right one and the right one is still out there...

 

 

In time it will be more clear to you why you are not compatible and why she is not "so perfect" at all.

[Riggz41510]

I guess in our minds it always seems like once they move on, that they have found ultimate happiness..

[Riggz41510]

I've been doing NC for almost 3 weeks now.. This morning I woke up from a dream about her/us. In the dream we talked about our problems and we hugged and kissed and swore we would never be apart again. I actually woke up happy and quickly realized it was a dream..

 

Now I feel the same way I felt when I would break NC in the beginning.. It feels like she rejected me.. Is that weird??](*,)

[RayKay]

I guess in our minds it always seems like once they move on, that they have found ultimate happiness..

 

Well, rarely the case. Believe me I have been in contact with ex's that dumped my butt, and they are all just well, not necessarily any more happier than they were then.

 

When people look for happiness in things external to themselves and from others instead of listening to their own heart and mind, they tend to be disappointed time and time again...

[lonelyheart1996]

Every woman that has broken it off with me has had her reasons, whether I understand them or not. I don't blame them. I take what they tell me and try to learn from it.

 

Unfortunately, I seem to attract the wrong type of girl (cheating, mean spirited, etc.). I just wish I could find one nice girl in this world...

 

There should be a singles board here. I'd have registered sooner.

[Riggz41510]

She was the only woman I have ever really opened myself up too.. I think a big part was because we shared a child..

 

In her heart she is a good person. Its just hard to except why couldn't we fix us????

[Jay_69_30]

You know what buddy I know how you feel. I love my ex very much and she will always have a place in my heart. I broke up with her and I told her I'm willing to get back inot this relationship if she's wiling to make the SAME SACRIFICES, IMPROVMENTS OF HERSELF THAT I'M WILLING TO MAKE FOR HER. I want to be treated they she wants to be treated. She told me she just doesn't think we will work out in the future but in the first part of our relationship we saw eye to eye on everything from attiude to one another to our future goals but then she changed. I started to make things work andbring themback how they were while she was giving up and started to do her own thing. I told her that nothing should stop us if our hearts both tell us we love eachother. She still hasn't given me an answer to what her heart says, she says she misses me dearly, she realizing how life is without me but still doesn't know if she wants to do it agian and do you know why I think she's doesn't know it's because her friends have huge influence on her and most importantly she's very stubborn and it seems like she not sure if she willing to give up certain things to make it work.

My advice to you is have the NC but let go at the sametime. Don't wait or expect anything juts let faith take it from here, you've done all you could do. It's really up to faith and her from now on. Your right, it wouldn't be fair if she realizes how she is and then meets a neew guy but hey if she truly loves you,w ell then when she realizes what your telling her she will come to you.

[Riggz41510]

Some may call me selfish..

 

I don't want her to find happiness in someone else.. I don't want to find happiness in someone else.. I wanted it from/with her.

 

Its like building a car from scratch putting all your heartache, tears and blood into it only to have someone come and steal it..

 

Would you want to build a new one?? Would you want to start all over?? I can admit it.. I'm afraid to start over.. I'm afraid of how I will feel once my kid starts mentioning the new guy or I see them together..

[tylercdurden2004]

I guess in our minds it always seems like once they move on, that they have found ultimate happiness..

 

Understand this there are loads of people who will never be truly happy for one reason or another. Some people just dont know how to be happy. Maybe she will find someone who will make her happy, maybe she wont, maybe she will find someone who COULD make her happy but maybe she wont be happy.

 

As far as happiness the only day you can truly say your life was happy is the moment of your last breath. So dont worry about whether she is happier than you or not.

[Riggz41510]

In the relationship I'm in now.. I should be happy.. She is all I want in a woman.. I just don't feel that intense love for her..

 

I think my ex still has some type of pull on me..

[EternalHindSight]

Some may call me selfish..

 

I don't want her to find happiness in someone else.. I don't want to find happiness in someone else.. I wanted it from/with her.

 

Its like building a car from scratch putting all your heartache, tears and blood into it only to have someone come and steal it..

 

Would you want to build a new one?? Would you want to start all over?? I can admit it.. I'm afraid to start over.. I'm afraid of how I will feel once my kid starts mentioning the new guy or I see them together..

 

 

That is exactly how i feel, nice analogy.

 

I would be interested to see if some people have seriously considered not even bothering having a long term relationship ever again because of crap happening like this. You can really start to see where the "bad" guy/user comes from, maybe its from the heart that was broken years ago and cant let go.

[HeartAche]

I guess in our minds it always seems like once they move on, that they have found ultimate happiness..

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this!

 

Thecheddaboy, everything you've mentioned in this thread is how I'm currently feeling. I tried browsing through a dating site the other evening and, although there we plenty of attractive women, I couldn't see myself with any of them.

 

Maybe it's too soon but I think of her getting asked out by tons of blokes and being out having a good time having completely forgotten about me and the 5 years we had together.

 

If I think of her alone then, although it hurts, it's not too bad. But, the circumstances of which we split are all a bit suspicious to me - and several people I've mentioned it to (including a bunch on here). So it seems like she's found this new bloke and has already moved on and is really happy. I just keep thinking of all her good qualities that this new guy will be enjoying whilst I'm at home alone suffering.

[stolenshadow]

I also wondered why that happened so much, when a person we didn't even like decides to leave us we can only think things were perfect with them and we act as if all the wrong things we ever pointed out were nothing but a silly exaggeration.

 

I think I read somewhere about the defenses our brain has when we're hurting, so the "Divine Ex" though could be related to how we try to go back to the days we weren't hurting as much.

And, with time, when our present is not painful anymore, we see them and the relationship for how they really were.

 

Just a thought.

 

But, the best option is to avoid comparisons with the dumper, whatever happens to them is beyond us anyway. Using our imagination for something else can surely be more productive .

[Daddy Bear]

i find myself in total agreement with the previous poster. her argument makes as much sense as anything i've heard in a long time.

[need2bme]

You also have to remember relationships are not about molding the other person into what we want them to be, or they doing same to us. If you do not accept and love them for whom they are, rather than for what they "could be"...well, something is not right there.

 

Relationships are not about "putting up with it" hoping for them to change...

 

Those "wants" are NOT unreasonable, and it is your right to have them. But.....she was not the one to provide them for you apparently, which only means...she was not right one and the right one is still out there...

 

 

In time it will be more clear to you why you are not compatible and why she is not "so perfect" at all.

 

VERY well written. Are you sure you are only 27? ;-)

 

I finally have to say I agree and understand, RayKay. I used to hate that my GF was a packrat. I think she always thought she would need something. Plus, she was sentimental.

 

If I love her, I should love her; not just be attached and want to change her.

 

Somewhere on her, somone posted the difference between love and attachment, so I will repost here, because it is AWESOME and I printed it out, so I could remember it.

 

 

 

Love is the Opposite of Attachment

 

The near enemy of love is attachment.

Attachment masquerades as love.

It says, "I will love you if you will love me back."

It is a kind of "businessman's" love.

So we think, "I will love this person as long as he doesn't change."

 

"I will love that thing if it will be the way I want."

 

But this isn't love at all – it is attachment.

 

There is a big difference between love, which allows and honors and appreciates, and attachment, which grasps and demands and aims to possess.

 

When attachment becomes confused with love, it actually separates us from another person.

 

We feel we need this other person in order to be happy.

 

This quality of attachment also leads us to offer love only toward certain people, excluding others.

 

Joseph Goldstein, Seeking the Heart of Wisdom

[Daddy Bear]

this recent post by icemotoboy contains a link to an interesting Wiki article on limerence, a sort of attachment masquerading as love:

[Dako]

Somewhere in the distant past, love because you're loved was called "infantile" love. New lingo, eh?

[Daddy Bear]

limerence is a paradigm-shifting meme; or, as we veteranos might call it, a "catchy notion".