Is There Life After Limbo?

[Donster]

Rewriting History

I met an interesting fellow recently, who was able to pick up on exactly what had transpired between my ex and me. He also taught me a lot about life, love, and relationships. All in the course of an hour, over a quick dinner.

 

This fellow has somehow become a giver of advice about life, love, and relationships for a lot of younger gay friends of his from around the world. Out here, they refer to people like that as an "agony aunt" (advice columnist, for everyone west of the pond). And he should know, having been in a gay relationship for over 30 years, almost as long as I've been alive.

 

He knew all about the give and take required to sustain a long-term relationship. He knew all about how relationships change and evolve. And, as I described what my relationship with my ex was like, he was able to pick up on and diagnose a lot of the problems we had. But since every individual within a relationship is so unique, there is never a one-size-fits all solution.

 

Here are the cliff-notes version of what I learned from him...most of it applies to gay relationships, but some of it may apply to all relationships.

 

1) In response to my question about how my friend has been able to sustain a long-term open relationship he had this to say: Jealousy is rooted in anxiety. His example was, are you ever jealous of your cat? If the cat goes and rubs up against someone else, do you become jealous? The answer is no, because you always know that the cat loves you and will always come back to you. It is still your cat. And you are not anxious that the cat will end up going home with someone else. So if you are in an anxiety-free relationship, then you will be able to survive a lot of jealousy (or not become jealous at all) and will even be able to sustain an open relationship. But, if there is anxiety in the relationship, then this type of thing would not work. However, this also means that there are other problems in the relationship.

 

2) They are in a relationship where one travels extensively for work, and the other stays put. So I asked them how they managed that. A relationship really needs a combination of space and togetherness (those of you who have been following this thread may recall a post about something I read about how building a good relationship is like building a good fire, you need logs that are close together, but not too close or else they will smother the flames). When they are together in the city together, they are together. period. They see each other and enjoy each other's company. And when they are apart, they are free to do as they please, although they still talk about it (not necessarily mentioning details, of course). Again, those of you who have followed this thread will recall that SFG and I were together constantly for most of the 14 years we were together. And eventually, we even started doing a lot of the same activities. And we were unable to maintain any separation in our lives (in part because of relationship anxieties, at least on my part). We smothered each other. (Perhaps I smothered him a bit more than he smothered me...but that was also due in part to my relationship anxiety).

 

3) Being in an open relationship, they expose themselves to a lot of risk. But because the anxiety isnt there, they give each other a lot of freedom. So each one is allowed to flirt, chase, or pursue, and perhaps to even fall in love with someone new. However, they also both realize that love like that may only last a few months, and that what they have together is so much bigger, better, and deeper than any passing infatuation...and thereforeeee the risks of such an infatuation making a dent in their relationship is next to nil.

 

And so, over dinner, while we spoke about his relationship and mine, he was able to dissect and pinpoint the stress points in my relationship, which ultimately became so stressed that the relationship crumbled. My ex and I were at the point where an open relationship would have made sense. (Straight readers might not understand this concept, but for many men, especially gay ones, sex can be just sex, while love is quite a different beast altogether). But it's not something that would have worked for us. For one, there was way too much relationship anxiety. SFG had broken my trust again and again, and so much of my own acting out was a response to this lack of trust, and all the anxiety that it generated. I've written this before, and I will say it again...I should have broken up with him a long time ago, the first time he broke my trust. The trust took years to rebuild, and I experienced so many years of anxiety in part because of him and my worries about our relationship. And that's why point 3 would have never worked for me and SFG. He finds it difficult to separate love, lust, and infatuation. Some people can do it, but a lot can't. And combined with my anxiety, it was just a recipe for disaster. I could never allow him the freedom. The level of trust just wasnt there. I was that cat who could rub up against others and still come back to the one I loved. (And at the same time, to SFG, I had become an unwanted pet.)

 

Also, SFG thought he could have it all--that the 3-6 months worth of feeling like he is fallling in love (something that I clearly could no longer offer him) can last forever. He was already willing to throw away the other 13.5 years for the chance to have it all. And realistically speaking, if he had the chance to be with me, yet still chase after others, there would have been little chance of him coming back. He would have only stuck around until he found the next best thing anyways.

 

------------

So I titled this post "Rewriting History"...I was originally planning to just write about what I learned from my friend. But there have been some nagging thoughts that I can't seem to shake off, and I hope that by writing about it, I can get it off my chest and put finally put these thoughts behind me.

 

So again, if you have been following my thread, you know that SFG was single for about a day, having ended up with an old acquaintaince of ours whom he reconnected with over the summer. I will argue that their relationship actually started a couple years earlier, when BF#3 came to Boston for a tennis tournament, became somewhat infatuated with SFG, and started fllirting with him by email, somehow not remembering or caring that SFG and I were a couple. One of the worst days of my life was when my anxiety led me to go into SFG's email inbox one night, where I discovered these salacious emails that were being exchanged. (yes, my anxiety was not unfounded after all). BF#3 would not be together with SFG today if it weren't for his essentially having pursued a married man. Yet, in their minds, history has somehow been rewritten. Apparently, they have discussed the issue, and decided that it was "no big deal". (this is what SFG told me). Apparently, ignoring the fact that I was in the picture back then is no big deal. It was just a little bit of flirting, where's the harm in that? Apparently, playing with the lusts and emotions of someone who was already in a relationship is no big deal. It really is no different from two muggers agreeing with each other that the purse they stole from their victim is "no big deal" to the victim. And it doesnt surprise me either...SFG is the same guy who had sought and received relationship advice (and breakup advice) from someone he had been having an affair with. And so, as the authors of the new history they now believe in, their history together started this summer rather than the years earlier when I was with SFG. And this is why BF#3, whom I also met years ago and used to think of as a pretty nice guy, is no friend of mine, and will never be a friend of mine. And a question I have in my mind today is whether SFG can ever really become a friend of mine.

--------------

So, it looks like I have a schizophrenic post today, with two very different topics that dont seem to connect. However, those of you who have followed them will know that I always try to tie things together eventually. So here goes.

 

My dinner companion from the other night asked me if I would ever get back together with SFG. Another friend asked me this a couple of months ago, and I waffled in my response, which to her was a sign that I was thinking about it. And I was. Back then. But now, when I think more and more about the way I, and our relationship, was treated by SFG over the past year, and really, with the example I gave above, how it had been happening for the past few years...I realize how ready he was to leave me. Also, I think back about the breaking of my trust way back earlier in our relationship, and how many times he broke my heart when I thought things were improving. And his sabotage of our 8 months of couples counseling by not bringing things out when he should have until it was too late. And the audacity of thinking that the relationship he has today with his BF#3 didnt really start with that first kiss and email years ago...and I also think about the life that I created for myself after the breakup, the new friends, new places, new me...I realize how much I no longer want to go back to the past. There was a time that I longed for the comforts of my past life with SFG. Not any more.

 

Again, as has been my pattern in life so far, it takes the words of a near stranger to make me realize things about my own life. And so, when my dinner companion asked me if I would ever consider getting back together with SFG, my answer was a resolute no. It has become very clear now that to get back together with him would mean to give him yet more chances to hurt me again. I've already given him too many chances to hurt me, and I won't allow it to happen again.

[Donster]

 

 

there is a fabulous quote for anyone who has ever been dumped. The poster lines out exactly what one goes through in the weeks and months afterwards.

[Donster]

I feel like I need a good cry. Not sure why. It's been a long time since my last cry, and I think it might make me feel a little better. Kinda like blowing your nose when the sinus pressure has been slowlly building up, or kinda like when you've been feeling kinda nauseaous and you feel better after you throw up. I don't know why i am feeling this way. I've been generally pretty happy. I'm doing all the things I like to do, meeting new people, exploring, and enjoying life. Maybe it's because I've been doing a lot of ironing, which gives me time to think, and also time to feel. Otherwise, my way of being has always been to throw myself into activity so that I don't have time to think or feel anything at all.

 

So I ended up spending all evening listening to sad songs. But the tap is empty, and my eyes are dry. Well, at least one interesting song came on that reminded me of my own life.

 

One Day I'll Fly Away

by Randy Crawford

I make it alone

When love is gone

Still you made your mark

Here in my heart

 

One day I'll fly away

Leave your love to yesterday

What more can your love do for me

When will love be through with me

 

I follow the night

Can't stand the light

When will I begin

My life again

 

One Day I'll fly away

Leave your love to yesterday

What more can your love do for me

When will love be through with me

Why live life from dream to dream

And dread the day that dreaming ends

 

One day I'll fly away leave your love to yesterday

What more can your love do for me

When will love be through with me

Why live life from dream to dream

And dread the day that dreaming ends

 

One day i'll fly away, fly away, fly away

[beebee]

ironing and time to think... lol... absolutely adorable and so true so true...

 

sigh... your the type of person that looks into his past with such thought and searching... searching for the answers or anything that can make you understand and deal... to come to terms with the fact that its over and done with and you have done the right thing for yourself... all of that is well and good donster, but the end result is always what we "feel"... no matter what you may discover, the feelings are still there... feelings arent right or wrong, they just "are"... thats the sadest part of all... the residuals of a relationship gone kapoot, for whatever reasons...

 

the love of your life was a selfish, greedy, uncaring little bastard... you dont need me to tell you that...

 

do you believe in karma?... i never did, but im starting to... will he get his one day?... hopefully some day for you (and me), someone will mention their names and we will say "who?"... lol... some day right?...

[beebee]

Since You've Been Gone

 

 

Here's the thing we started off friends

It was cool but it was all pretend

Yeah yeah

Since you've been gone

 

You dedicated you took the time

Wasn't long till I called you mine

Yeah Yeah

Since you've been gone

 

And all you'd ever hear me say

Is how I pictured me with you

That's all you'd ever hear me say

 

But since you've been gone

I can breathe for the first time

Im so movin on

Yeah yeah

Thanks to you

Now I get

What I want

Since you've been gone

 

How can I put it? you put me on

I even fell for that stupid love song

Yeah yeah

Since you've been gone

 

How come I never hear you say

I just wanna be with you

I guess you never felt that way

 

But since you've been gone

I can breathe for the first time

Im so movin on

Yeah yeah

Thanks to you

Now I get

I get what I want

Since you've been gone

 

You had your chance you blew it

Out of sight, out of mind

Shut your mouth I just can't take it

Again and again and again and again

 

Since you've been gone

I can breathe for the first time

Im so movin on

Yeah yeah

Thanks to you (thanks to you)

Now I get

I get what I want

I can breathe for the first time

Im so movin on

Yeah yeah

Thanks to you (thanks to you)

Now I get (I get)

You should know (you should know)

That I get

I get what I want

Since you've been gone

Since you've been gone

Since you've been gone

[Donster]

Thanks Beebee, for the comments and the song (and yes, I do like that Kelly Clarkson song quite a bit!). They help me think about things from a different perspective. I had a nice chat with my ex's mom today too, which helped quite a bit as well. She is turning out to be a much greater friend and source of understanding than I ever thought she would be. She has the wisdom of age and also the experience of being close friends with both halves of several divorced couples.

 

I usually try to see both sides of an issue, but when I am deeply involved in the issue, and in a not so good mood to boot, I often end up only seeing one side. And that's one of the problems of this forum...I write when I am in a particularly pensive or bad mood, and then I end up rewriting my version of history too, oftentimes from a one-sided perspective.

 

So yes, it may sound like my ex was a "selfish greedy uncaring bastard" from the way I tell the story sometimes. And yes, there were times when that's what he was. But there have been times when that's what I was too. This is part of being human. No one is perfect all of the time. And he was also amazing sweet, generous, caring, and loving most of the time. Why else would the relationship have lasted as long as it did? Both gay and straight friends continue to be amazed when they learn that I was in such a long relationship. And those who knew us both as a couple are still shocked that we are no longer together. And sometimes when I think about it, I am amazed too. And I have to keep reminding myself that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

 

Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that I also saw myself getting hurt by him again and again over the last few years of our relationship. Most often by tiny little things that I didnt really notice or think too deeply about (or which I brushed off as being insignificant). Like his constant reaching for others when I was with him at a dance club. (eeks, another memory just popped into my head...we were about with a bunch of other people once, and I was talking to someone at another corner of the dance floor and another friend came up to me and said, "do you know that your boyfriend is making out with someone over there?", and I couldn't really do anything other than shrug. That's the way our relationship had become, and I rationalized that he, like the cat in my previous post, would still come home with me at the end of the night no matter what happened at the dance floor. But these types of things happened with increasing frequency, to the point that I never wanted to out any more, and I would always end up in a bad mood soon after, not fully realizing what put me in the bad mood). Anyways, I digress. Towards the end, I was getting hurt by deeper and more serious things (like him wanting to not only make out with someone else on the dance floor, but to go home with them. Or him trying to send me away so that he could be "single" for a while." *sigh*, the memories are all coming out now. But all this is behind me now, and I have to try to refocus on all the good aspects of the relationship (which is not so easy to do...why is it that its always so much easier to remember and focus on the negatives?????)

 

So my current way of dealing is to try to live as fabulous a life as I can imagine having. It's a life that he could have continued to share in, but it didnt work out that way, and so I don't have to share it. And I am also working to become the person I was destined to be, rather than what I had become. I was about to speculate on what I think life for SFG is without me, but I just came to the realization that I don't really care. If he is happy, so be it. If he is miserable, so be it. If he misses me and regrets having left me, so be it. If he is happy to be free of me, so be it. If he finds himself in the same cycles of behavior that he exhibited when he was with me, so be it. If he finds himself cheating on his current bf and having an affair with yet another guy, so be it. And if he finds his heart being broken, so be it. It's really not my problem any more. I can only ever worry about myself.

[beebee]

you are the last person i want to allienate donster, so my comments are not meant to hurt... your ex was selfish... he took advantage of your "open" relationshig thingie and ran with it... big mistake... end of story... once you realize this and not make excuses for him, the better off you will be... the more you come to realize this conclusion, the clearer things will be... its too soon for you to accept this...

of course we are all human!... of course we all have feelings and dont expect to intentially hurt another... or do we?... do we look at life as a kill or be killed type of situation in order to make excuses for our bad behavior?... your ex did it to you time and time again... not what you want to hear, i know... i didnt either... i made excuses for his behavior also... he loved me... he did it for this reason and for that reason... finally, the truth dawned on me... it wasnt the kind of love i wanted... he wasnt the man that i thought he was... ok, i could go on and on and bore the hell out of you, but the truth is he didnt care about how much he hurt you, ... do you do that to someone you supposedly love?... the answer is no, you dont... ever... and you know what im saying is true... you just cant accept that reality yet...

its not to make you hate... thats not the point... i wish you only happiness and i want you to find another who will return you the kind of love you deserve... your grappling with this... i can see it... where it leaves you is not my guess... im left with hate at times... personally i dont want to feel anything at all and im assuming thats the place you want to be so you can move on...

do me a favor please?... dont ever start that open relationship stuff with your next... and yes, i know what you mean when you say that in a gay relationship, its different... its not... it happens in straight relationships also and most times it leads to disaster... its not the natural nature of things... if we all do what we want, we will have chaos... there has to be rules to relationships or they fall apart...

ive said way too much... i care about you because you talk from the heart... i understand and so do many others...

yes, i love that song also... lol...

[Donster]

Beebee, I know. I think I really needed to hear what you said, so thanks! Just right now, I was in the midst of writing down all the things that he did to hurt me over the years...from abandoning me physically in the dark when it started to rain one day, to abandoning me emotionally when I needed him most in Paris. And each time, I told myself I would give him three chances. And each time, he did not disappoint.

 

I was going to post the list on here originally, and perhaps some day I will. But I do need to see the full list rather than the snippets that I remember from time to time. I think it helps me to realize how badly I've been hurt and how badly I need to put him behind me. For better or worse, I am also cursed with a very good memory, so it wont be hard for me to come up with this list.

 

And absolutely, I know from experience now that this open relationship thing is not easy to make work. I think I've seen more couples for which it is a problem than a solution...and for sure I will be a lot more careful about this (and many other things!) the second time around. And that's why I'm also worried that I will find it difficult to open my heart to the next person who wants in. Anyways, thanks again Beebee, for a message that I needed to hear.

[beebee]

make your list and you will see how you were disappointed... i too have a long and exceptional memory... i feel sometimes as if i have a video tape playing in my head... i can see what he wore, what i was wearing, where we were, the atmosphere we were in, his facial expressions and most importantly, his words... i can repeat them verbatim... he, of course, has forgotten... sigh...

 

its hard to face the truth donster, especially when its about someone we love... my therapist thinks that my pain is based solely on "ego"... lol... she also thinks that i suffer from "post traumatic stress disorder"... all terms that are mumbo jumbo and an excuse for being hurt... she may possibly be right... how dare he hurt me?... im the best!... im perfect!... noone has ever had the temacity to hurt me before!... im the one that leaves the relationship!... whatever... but the post traumatic stress... hmmmmmm... maybe she has a point... you also may be in that category, especially when you say that you wont allow anyone close to your heart again and will not trust as easily again... ahhhhhhh Lord... just make me an airhead for awhile so i can be like our ex's... !!!!!... so i can just go on about life stepping over dead bodies to get what i want and not worry about others feelings or the word "committment"... how the hell did our parents do it?????????????!!!!!!!!...

 

dont be charmed by his charm donster... my ex was so damn charming that i would defy any person, man or women, to not fall under his spell... i have a feeling that your ex is the same way... my ex could emote his way out of anything and because i wanted so badly to believe him, to want so badly to find some reason why i gave up everything for him, spent so much time on him, etc etc that i made excuses for him... big mistake because it took me longer to heal...

 

he is/was a boy trapped in a mans body... a selfish, domineering, overpowering, greedy, egotistical sob who made excuses as to why he let me down... so is your ex...

 

they will burn out darling... eventually... karma may not be involved, but the law of averages of life will be...

[life_hard]

HI BeeBee and Donster!!!

 

OMG, the two people that gave me wonderful support during some tough time of mine *big hug*

[Donster]

Random thought #1. I was planning to spend Vday alone for the first time in my adult life, and would have been perfectly fine doing so. In fact, I was looking forward to it. But I ended up getting a call from some friends who were planning a singleton's night out. It ended up being a lot of fun. I can't emphasize enough the importance of friends, and I promise to never forget my single friends even if I find myself no longer single. They bring richness into your life. But I also can't emphasize how important it is to be comfortable being single. The purpose of life is not to find a mate to live happily ever after with. But rather, to enjoy the time that you have on this earth, whether or not there is someone else in your life or not. And I am now a firm believer that you can't really be happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself.

 

Random thought #2. I saw a flyer for a new-agey lecture that I found quite interesting. The topic of the lecture was "Allowing others to be". And here's what it said: Allowing others to be is to experience freedom from judging and criticising. Allowing forgiveness even when those we are forgiving have not changed for us. Allowing does not mean that we agree with their choices. But it is doing what's within our control and then adapting or responding to the circumstances that follow. The paradox is: If you want things to flow into your life, you must allow others to focus on what they want. This is something that I found very difficult to do while I was in my relationship with SFG...I found myself constantly wanting to mold him into what I thought he should be, which then caused me to judge and criticize. Live and learn. I will try not to do that in the future. If any of you have seen the movie "Because I Said So"--the character played by Diane Keaton needs to learn the lesson in the flyer.

 

Random thought #3. I appreciate Beebee's comments about my ex, but I will have to agree to disagree. When I read her most recent post to this thread, I only see myself reflected in the comments. I was the one with the charm and wit, who over time had learned to twist things so that I always looked perfect in everyone else's eyes (including my own) (by the same token, my self esteem being what it was at some point, I also twisted things to make myself feel horrible. Cognitive Distortion is what my therapist said I had). And when Beebee writes "he is/was a boy trapped in a mans body... a selfish, domineering, overpowering, greedy, egotistical sob who made excuses as to why he let me down... so is your ex..."--again, I only see myself in the description. But yes, he let me down too, after I had changed in every way that he needed me to change for the relationship to continue. But he had changed too. Into something that even he was not happy with. His reward will be a mediocre life, where he will likely make the same mistakes again. And the memories of some of the things he did to hurt me will haunt him forever. Thanks Beebee, for giving me more to think about.

 

Random thought #4. This is actually an excerpt from an email I sent to my ex recently, but it tells a lot about my state of mind right now: I still can't believe how much my life has changed in such a short period of time. Neither good nor bad. Just very different. And I feel that my life is richer and fuller now too. (but maybe I just feel this way because everything is so new to me still). I'm also starting to adopt a more European way of looking at life as something to be enjoyed. Americans are too much focused on constantly saving for the future, or progressing in their careers. Chinese-Americans are even more so! And in the process of doing so, a lot of Americans forget to live for today. The Brits are like that too. But everyone else I have met is so different. But I guess I'm also interacting with a selective pool that consists of the type of people who are willing to move to new countries, so my perceptions are a bit skewed.

[sandyv]

"The purpose of life is not to find a mate to live happily ever after with. But rather, to enjoy the time that you have on this earth, whether or not there is someone else in your life or not. And I am now a firm believer that you can't really be happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself."

 

Donster: I've followed your posts for a very long time, and have felt quite inspired by much of what you've had to say... sounds strange I know, but you have given me some insight into my own situation, and I admire the way you look at things... especially the above statement.

 

Needless to say I hope someday to have the wisdom that you do, reading your posts helps me to see what I hope some day to accomplish emotionally... as you have...

 

Don't stop posting... I love what you have to say.

 

Sandy

[kate111]

Donster you are helping me as well.

 

I didn't have an open relationship with the ex but I allowed him to indulge in excess porn, which was fine in the beginning but towards the end, whether it was a symptom of his changed attitude or a cause, he had changed into someone who wanted to screw random women, oggle their bodies and search for meaning in his life that way.

 

It's sad. Perhaps he is too young. Perhaps your guy was too. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

 

All we can do is watch for these signs in future I suppose. Personally I think I shall be wiser about these things, now that my heart has truly been broken.

[beebee]

hi my darling jen... what an absolute surprise to see you again!... im so happy life has changed for you and all is going well...

 

as to you donster, what can i say?... you were the charming one?... you were the one with the ego?... yes, i can understand... it seems that my ex was constantly trying to make others love him... he did this with his charm... only thing was, i was there to listen to his comments after the one he was charming left, which were sometimes cruel... im just shaking my head...

 

i need to find a reason for being on this earth... pain permeates me and im so tired of trying to surpress it... all of the requisite pills and therapy cant offer me the one second of happiness that i would love to have... its way too painful to breathe... is it possible that some people are not meant to be happy?... that they set themselves up for pain from others?... im just so tired of trying...

[Donster]

So I spoke to my ex today. I was returning a message he had left for me. He told me a bit about a recent trip he took, and he wanted to wish me well for an upcoming trip I am about to take. It was fine. It was cordial.

 

But I found myself not particularly caring about what his trip was like, his snow delays, or the different routes he needed to take to get to his destination. I didn't care about what he was doing nowadays. I mean it was nice to hear that he is doing well, but for whatever reason, he is like a piece of cardboard to me now, and interacting with him stirred up no feelings. Of course I would care if he got hurt in a car accident or something. But I don't care about the day to day details of his life any more. They just don't concern me. I have my own life, independent of his. And he has his life, which no longer has a connection to mine.

 

And I thought about this for a good time afterwards. Have I changed that much in the 7 months since we split up? Has he? Has time and distance done what my friends had told me they would do? Have I forgotten about all the feelings I used to have for him? Have I forgotten what life with him was like? Have I finally learned to let go? Have I truly left him behind, in the past, so that he is no longer in the fabric of my current reality? Have I finally healed from the breakup?

 

Or is it that I have new distractions in my life, that make it easier for me to forget my past?

[Donster]

Thanks guys for all those nice comments. I'm glad that my random rantings and musings have been helpful to some of you. I think it's rather amusing that I have women posting on this thread whereas Icemotoboy, whose thread was one of the first I ever read, has mostly guys posting on it!

[kadvati79]

It sure does seem funny! I do hope you are getting better, piece by piece, and building the new life that you want on your own two feet.

[Donster]

I haven't posted in a while. There's a lot brewing in my head. I just spoke with SFG last night. We hadn't talked in a while. I'll write more soon when I have time. But for now, these two songs define how I am feeling very well. I never thought of myself as a love-hate type of person. I wish him well. But I'm also still quite angry and disappointed by him. His bday is coming up soon. What's an ex to do? I'll be visiting his town on business soon. Do I see him or not? What's an ex to do? Life used to be so simple. Many decisions used to be so simple. Ugh.

 

My Wish, by Rascal Flatts

 

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,

And each road leads you where you want to go,

And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

 

But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

 

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,

All the ones who love you, in the place you left,

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,

And you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

And you always give more than you take.

 

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

 

Before He Cheats, by Carrie Underwood

(This song makes me smile every time I hear it)

 

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp,

and she's probably getting frisky.

right now he's probably buying her some fruity little drink

cause she can't shoot whiskey.

right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick,

showing her how to shoot a combo

and he don't know...

 

I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,

carved my name into his leather seats.

I took a louisville slugger to both head lights,

slashed a hole in all 4 tires.

maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

 

right now, she's probably up singing some

white-trash version of Shania karoke..

right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"

and he's thinking that he's gonna lucky,

right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo.

and he don't know...

 

I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,

carved my name into his leather seat...

I took a louisville slugger to both head lights,

slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

 

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl,

cause the next time that he cheats..

oh you know it won't be on me!

no.. not on me..

 

I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,

carved my name into his leather seat...

I took a louisville slugger to both head lights,

slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

ohh.. maybe next time he'll think.. before he cheats...

 

ohh... before he cheats...

ohhhh.

[Donster]

{note, I'm talking about the hormone oxytocin in this post, not the drug oxycontin!!)

 

I was trained as a biochemist. In modern science, we break everything down into individual component parts, each of which can be studied in isolation. This applies to organs, cells, proteins, and even individual amino acids and pieces of DNA. I try to apply some of this deconstructionism to better analyse and understand my emotional life as well, although we are complicated beings and it oversimplifies things tremendously to justify our behaviors and feelings based on a handful of molecules.

 

Only in recent years has the science of behaviour become better understood. I've been thinking lately about oxytocin, the so-called "love hormone." Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter that is released in the brain that facilitates bonding behaviour (love). It's also released during orgasm and by certain stimuli like massage. It helps induce labour and stimulate milk production in expectant mothers. In others, it can shift the flight-or-fight response towards a feed-and-breed response. And in the prairie vole (a monogamous rodent, very rare in the animal world), oxytocin plays an important role in pair bonding. If you tinker with a prarie vole's brain, you can make them promiscuous! In humans, the hormone is believed to increase feelings of trust, and concentrations of the hormone go up in people who are falling in love.

 

I want some oxytocin.

 

One of the things I have been struggling with lately is to figure out how and why my ex so quickly found himself in the arms of another. It would be easy to just call him a lout, to write him off, to forget about him. It still stings. In the words of Alanis Morissette, "it's a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced". The net effect is that I don't have a lot of respect for SFG these days. We still talk on occasion. But the lack of respect makes me question whether or not I want any sort of relationship with him at all, even the "friendly" one that we currently share. I don't typically become friends with people I dislike or whom I don't respect or who have done me wrong. We may overlook some of these things in business, since you can still have win-win situations with people you can't stand. But whereas we can't choose our families (at least not often), but we do choose our friends. And I can't decide if I want to choose SFG as a friend.

 

But one thing I am starting to realize is that he is probably an oxytocin addict (not to be confused with an oxycontin addict). You've heard of people who are addicted to the feeling of falling in love. Or who fall in love (and sometimes out of love) at the drop of a hat. I think these people react more severely to the bursts of oxytocin that occur when you meet someone that you fancy. And I also think that is why some people find themselves rebounding so quickly when they miss their regular dose of oxytocin. SFG only lasted a day before he needed his fix. And when I look back to the beginning of our relationship together (seems like eons ago now), I recall that he was almost ready to tell me he loved me after just a few dates. I have no doubt that he has already told my replacement that he loves him. Oxytocin makes people do strange things sometimes. He was also always quick to confuse lust, love, and infatuation...and for that I can also point a finger at the effects of oxytocin. It's just too bad that he didn't have the wherewithal or strength to modify his behaviour so that the oxytocin couldnt control him. Yes, I look at him with a little bit of pity now, like you would look at a drug addict.

 

Oxytocin and me

 

And so I find myself wondering about oxytocin's effect on me. I've fallen "in like" quite a few times during the half year or so that I have been single. No love yet, definitely not to the level that I once had in the love I shared with SFG. But I have definitely fallen "in like" with several people whom I've dated. Would it have eventually turned into love? Who knows. Would I have allowed it to turn into love? Who knows. That's the million dollar question these days. But this is why love is like a drug. It feels so good when you get your dose. And of course, once you feel the high, you want to keep it up. And that's why breaking up is so hard to do (yes, a cliche, but so true!). It's quitting cold turkey.

 

I remain positive that the right person will come into my life who will do wonders to my oxytocin levels. I'm not desperate and I don't need a lot to be happy. But I am ready for another fix.

[life_hard]

Don,

 

Hahaha, I was reading about oxytocin as well. Last year, National Geographic had a great article about it and here is the link, looks like the don't have the full article online.

link removed

 

But Don, the love molecule itself is "phenylethylamine" that actually give us the rush, but the bonding molecue "oxytocin" is the bonding molecule. Here is a great article distinguishing the two.

 

link removed

 

I am also battling with this rush myself and I am fully aware of it. I fell in love with someone I dated few months ago, but I had to break it off cos he is bad news in the long run. But I manage to see him every so often, once or twice a month and every time it's a lot of fun, we had a blast this weekend, but then the withdrawal symtoms kick in today, monday!!! I feel like missing him but it is the internal drug that I am missing.

 

But oddly enough, the reason why I broke it off with him is, we went on a week long trip last fall, when we came back, he withdrew slightly, called me less often and seems to pull aways, so I broke it off. So for some men, what I suspect is - the conquering of women mode kicks in. After they know they could "have" you or they "had" you, then the challenge is gone, they then get bored....they are not trully in love with you, but just high on it.... oh I don't...

too complicated to analyse it to death.... I guess we just have to live!!! Live!

[Donster]

So I'm living...and starting to feel more in the process of living...something I had not been allowing myself to do. I think this means that the ice is starting to thaw a bit, and the compartmentalization that I have been so good at has started to diminish a bit.

 

I just had a great second date tonight with someone who I was quite starting to fall in like with. And then over dinner, I find out that a recent boyfriend has just come back into his life, and that he wants to give that a go. sigh Isn't it Murphy's law that sometimes in life you meet someone great that you seem quite compatible with, and with whom there is both connection, shared interests, and chemistry. And for whatever reason, they are unavailable. Or become unavailable.

 

Tonight felt like a little mini-breakup all over again (even though it was just a second date). I actually shed a few tears on my walk home after we parted ways...something that I thought was very odd.

 

The timing of our lives was in sync for about a week and a half. But from this night forward, my life will go in one direction while his will go in another. Will our lives intersect again? And in what way? Who knows. That's where the quirkiness of life will come into play. I'm sure I'll see this guy again, if anything, just as friends. But where will either of us will be in our personal lives? Who knows.

[Donster]

Oftentimes, when there is a puncture wound to the heart, or some other important organ, you leave the knife in place until you can get proper medical attention. You do this because the knife holds the blood in. If it were to be removed, the blood will rush out, you lose blood pressure, and the wound becomes more severe.

 

A friend mentioned to me that the new guy in SFG’s life was planning to move to Boston to be with him. The news was like a punch in the gut. It was a twist of the knife that had become embedded in my heart when I first learned that they had gotten together, very shortly after we had broken up. I was slowly being replaced with substitutes when we were still together. And the replacement sped up when we finally split. And now we come full circle...when the guy finally moves in, the replacement will be complete.

 

I told SFG when we broke up that he will always have a place in my heart. That comment is even engraved in an iPod I bought him as a parting gift. And now I think I know where that place in my heart is. It's a sliver of a knife that I'm afraid to take out, that twists and turns every now and then, causing me some pain. Most of the time I can ignore it, since it doesn't bother me too much. And some scar tissue has built around it, so that it doesn't twist around as much as it used to. But boy, every once in a while, that sliver just digs in and does a little dance.

 

I'm writing this post from the city that I once called home, having just seen the man with whom I used to make a home. It’s my first trip back to the states since I left 4 months ago, and the first time SFG and I have seen each other during that time. We had dinner the night before I moved away, making him the last person that I saw. This time, we had dinner the night that I flew in, making him one of the first people that I saw.

 

Is he still a part of my life? It appears to be so, but in a way that we are still struggling to define.

 

How am I doing? And how does it make me feel to see him? I felt nothing. No numbness. No pain. No sadness. No emotion. Just nothing.

 

Is that progress? I don’t know.

 

I felt nothing when he greeted me at the door of his new flat—the one that he bought after we broke up, which I was seeing for the first time…a piece of his new life that I had not yet seen, and which I had not been privy to.

 

I felt nothing when I went inside, and saw most of the furniture that used to be ours, but now was his, in an environment that clearly was no longer mine.

 

I felt nothing when I saw pics of SFG with the new guy in his life, in frames that used to hold pictures of the two of us, in the same poses, in some of the same places that we used to frequent. He could have just cut out my face and pasted on the new guy’s.

 

Am I strong? I don’t know.

Am I compartmentalizing again? Probably.

Am I putting on a façade? Yes.

Will the feigned indifference eventually become the real thing? Hopefully.

 

In the meantime, these defense mechanisms work to postpone my feelings, so that I don’t have to deal with them, and so that I won’t get hurt by them. I think that's what keeps me ticking.

[Donster]

Every two steps forward, it's one step back. I don't know why, but I've been thinking about my ex lately. Maybe because I'm spending too much time alone these days?

 

I really thought I was over him recently. I came to the conclusion that he probably doesn't think about me any more, given the new person in his life. During one of my travels, I got him a souvenir. And I gave it to him when I saw him last month. And then afterwards, I felt so stupid. Why am I wasting my time getting him a souvenir? I don't think I occupy that place in his life any more, even as a friend, where he would ever get me a souvenir. Or even think of me at all if he were on a trip. So why do I bother thinking about him? So I decided that I am done thinking about him, and that he no longer has a place in my life.

 

And yes, he had mentioned that he enjoys hearing about some of my travels and experiences. But do I owe him this courtesy? I don't think so. In part because a relationship should be reciprocal, even if it's a post-breakup friendly relationship, without the reciprocity, there is no point. And is there anything about his life that I really care about, or that interests me? Not really. I know not much has changed. In fact, the only thing that has changed in his life is that he has replaced me with another.

 

And so I thought I could dust off my hands, wipe away a couple of tears, and push all the thoughts of him away. Out of sight, out of mind, and out of my heart.

 

I've been trying to get on with my life. But then the thoughts started creeping back in. Some of it was my bruised ego speaking out. Some of it was my jealous id...envious and angry that the ex so quickly moved on, and has someone else in his life. Some of it were memories, and things that I wanted to say to him, that perhaps I hadn't yet gotten out of my system earlier.

 

Is it normal to fantasize about the ex wanting to get back with me, and then me saying no to him? Is it normal to have a conversation with my ex in my head where I ask him, after all the hurt he put me through, why I should even consider ever taking him back? Is it normal to still feel sad after so much time has already passed? Or angry? Have I really progressed like I thought I had? Or perhaps the facade of progression that I had put on, to try to trick myself and others into thinking that I was moving on, finally worn thin...thin enough that I am starting to see through my own facade?

 

And is the honeymoon phase of the new life I now have finally over? To many of my friends I am living a fabulous existence in a bustling metropolis, with a jet-set life and 1000 new experiences every day. And in many respects, that's true. But at the end of the day, the reality is that I am writing this, in an empty apartment in a foreign city that's almost half a world away from what I know as home...alone.

[Donster]

This is a story I found on the internet.

 

------------

A young guy went to his mother and told her about his life and how things were so hard for him. He did not know how he was going to make it and wanted to give up. He was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. His mother took him to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

 

Turning to her son, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

 

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," he replied.

 

His mother brought him closer and asked him to feel the carrots. He

did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the son to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, he observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the son to sip the coffee. The son smiled as he

tasted its rich aroma. The son then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

 

His mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her son. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

------------

Although it's been almost a year now, I still have flashes of memories and emotions that erupt at the strangest times, triggered by odd things. We had a small birthday party at work the other day. And the chocolate cake reminded me of one that I had surprised me ex with at work many years ago. Seeing and tasting the cake made me shudder, and it almost made me cry (while I was surrounded by officemates!).

 

My first instinct was that I have become the egg, that my heart had hardened after the breakup, and that I had formed a protective shell around it to prevent anything outside from getting in. And although I may seem like the carrot from the exterior, I can't think of any adversity or challenge that has ever made me soft. But how can I become the coffee, which becomes so much more than it started with after facing adversity?

 

I will likely see my ex again in a couple of weeks. And this time I will probably see him together with his new boyfriend. How will I respond to this challenge? I will be good about keeping up the appearances of being a strong carrot, but I dont know what I will feel on the inside. Will I preboil my egg so that I won't feel anything inside? How does one become like coffee in a situation like this?

[swtsmr93]

That is a great story and one I haven't seen.

 

I do not know how to be the coffee either. I would guess it has to do with taking advantage of the lessons learned.

 

Do you have to see your ex? I would not recommend it if there is not some absolute necessity. It would seem to keep the hurt going. There is no reason to impress him with how good you are at accepting all of this. You do not have to like it! You can remove yourself for the sake of yourself.

 

Good luck and I hope you post