Is There Life After Limbo?

[Donster]

Icemoto wrote:

"One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often."

 

It's so interesting to think about sadness and happiness. SFG's mother says that to her, happiness is the absense of pain. It's a simple way to look at it, but it works from her, and it speaks volumes. In Buddhist scripture, happiness is achieved by freeing oneself from desire, because it is unfulfilled desire that is a source of sadness on this earth.

 

How can one experience joy unless they know what sadness and misery feels like? How can one remember happier times until they live through some unhappy moments? So in this sense, what Icemoto wrote is very true: that it is only with sadness and pain that you can truly experience happiness and joy. (My apologies if I have wrangled and rearranged the meaning behind your quote).

 

Thinking about desire, it is very much the root of what drives us as human beings, whether it's the desire for love or knowledge, or more earthly desires for material possessions or lustful desires. And so much of desire is rooted in being dissatisfied with what we already have, what we already know, or how we already feel and instead always dwelling on the opportunities missed in the past, and thinking about ways to get what we desire in the future. And when you find yourself doing that, you aren't so much living in the present any more, but instead become trapped in the past or the future.

 

Scars are interestingly symbolic. From a physiological standpoint, they are a natural part of the healing process, and the body, in it's own self knowing way, often builds the skin tissue back in a way that makes it tougher and more durable than the original skin, in order to better protect our flesh against future hurts. So whether or not the scars are physical or mental, they do serve to protect us, and also to remind us of hurts that we have suffered, so that we can also fully recognize and revel when we experience our joys. So Icemoto, just as the scar on your hand serves to remind you of your brush with death on your icy mountaintop, so that you can more fully enjoy the life that you now live, the scars we carry on our souls and on our hearts will let us more fully experience future joys and loves that we will have.

 

My only concern is that I may have difficulty allowing others into my heart in the future...that the scar tissue may have grown too tightly around my heart so that no feelings can get back in. Hearts, having been broken once, have a way of doing that to prevent itself from getting broken again.

 

Lately I have been allowing myself to experience things, and to think about things, but not to feel very much. I've done this by keeping myself super busy, and also by preventing myself from having much desire. My only wants right now are stay physically active, to continue to do well at work, to meet new friends, and to build better connections with the friends that I already have. Outside of these simple wants, I am letting anything that happens, just be. And in so doing, I am finding myself so much more living for the here and now rather than dwelling on the past that was, or worrying about the future that may or may not come to be. I'm living in the present. And I am finding myself enjoying life and everything that life has to offer very much.

[KfromVancouver]

Hi Donster:

 

I read your email and decided to follow up on your web post. I think you have beautifully articulated what so many of us feel and in doing so, made us feel that we really are "not alone". I just want everyone to know that despite all the turmoil you have gone through, you still checked in on me to see how I am doing with my relationship. You are a gentleman and I can't wait to see you rediscover your old brash self.

 

Reading about your journey to rediscover yourself inspired me to reconnect with my inner strength and voice. Even though my relationship lasted "only" 3.5 years, you do lose part of yourself and one of the hardest parts has been to find who "KfromVancouver" is. Or, maybe I never really knew. One the best things I realize is that now I can find that out and it is empowering to learn to stand on my own again. Like you, Donster, I'm beginning to get excited about my future. You are right when you said to me that "you will find yourself happier than you ever imagined possible sometime in the future. Life is funny that way!" We learn a lot about ourselves from our relationships which hopefully bodes well for future ones.

 

I'm gald that I got to know you (and SFG) better over the few days that I spent with you in June. I enjoyed our conversations while driving to and from the sites. Please know that you'll always have yet another friend in the Pacific NorthWest.

 

Take care of yourself and keep in touch,

 

 

Kirbster

[Donster]

Main Entry: re•bound

Pronunciation: 'rE-"baund, ri-'

Function: noun

: a spontaneous reaction; especially : a return to a previous state or condition following removal of a stimulus or cessation of treatment

 

A good friend of mine tells me that I am experiencing classic rebound syndrome. I never really thought about, or understood what "rebounding" was all about. I always assumed that rebounding was about finding a replacement boyfriend or girlfriend to compensate for the sense of loss that one experiences following a breakup. If you're used to cuddling with someone, then it's natural to want to find someone new to cuddle with. If you're used to having someone to go to movies with, then it's natural to want a new activity partner. And if you're used to being or feeling like you're in love, then it's natural to want to replace that feeling with whoever is convenient. And although I am used to all of these things, I am in no need or hurry to fill the void that was created after my breakup with any random person just for the sake of filling that void.

 

So I was very much intrigued when my friend told me that I was experiencing classic rebound syndrome. Since my breakup and since moving into my apartment, I have been keeping myself extremely busy with work, friends, and physical activity. Last week, every single day was filled with either tennis or volleyball after work, and then going out with friends a couple of evenings. I even ended up bumping into SFG out at a bar—he was out with some mutual friends of ours and I was out with other mutual friends. Life these past few weeks has been a whirlwind of activity, and I never knew that I could be as active or live as full a life as I have been lately. And this is why my friend said that I am exhibiting classic rebound syndrome.

 

Things started to make much more sense after he explained further. He said that for so many years, all my time, energy, focus, and intensity had been placed into my relationship with SFG. And now that I no longer have SFG as a conduit for all this energy, I no longer know what to do with it. So I instead put the excess energy and focus into all of these other activities and friends. And this all makes so much sense to me now. My first reaction after breaking up with SFG was to reconnect with all the old friends that I had from before, with whom I had always apportioned only a small part of the energy and focus that I possessed (with the rest devoted to SFG). My other reaction was to participate more fully in old activities such as tennis, and in new activities such as volleyball, which I had wanted to do for years, but for whatever reason, I never quite put enough energy and focus into actually going to a match. And I am also finding myself with a lot more energy to devote into developing friendships with new people that I am now meeting.

 

So after this discussion I finally understood what my friend meant by "rebounding." But what amazes me still is the amount of energy that I am finding myself possessing that I never knew I had. Does this mean that I had that much energy and focus devoted to my relationship with SFG? And if so, where was that energy focused during the relationship? Or am I now somewhat overcompensating for something? Or am I drawing all this energy from some deep pool of emotions, which I have been depleting so that I can remain numb and unfeeling? And why am I devoting all this time, energy, and focus towards external things rather than towards me, since part of the goal of the breakup was for me to be able to think about things and to grow personally. These are all things that I'm thinking about now, but for which I don't really have any answers.

 

-------------------------

anniversary

n : the date on which an event occurred in some previous year (or the celebration of it) [syn: day of remembrance]

 

Today marks the date, exactly 14 years ago, that SFG and I first met in person. I still remember how nervous I was walking down the stairs at my dorm to meet him in the lobby. These were the early days when the internet was just usenet, emails were text only, and IRC was the only means to chat. Things were simpler during that time, and much less visually oriented. And after a couple of weeks of emailing and phone calls, it felt like we already knew each other even though we had no clue what each other looked like.

 

It still amazes me to no end when I think about how quickly these past 14 years have flown by. Thunder storms can sometimes come and go in the blink of an eye on a hot summer afternoon. And my relationship with SFG, seems to have come and gone like a hot summer storm, full of intense rain and powerful thunder, but with a gentle calm at its core.

 

This, to me, is what rebounding is all about—the realization that life continues where you left off before the storm. It's not about forgetting the storm, since the flowers and the trees are all wet reminders of what just transpired, but rather an understanding that the storm was necessary, because the rain that it brings is needed for the birds and flowers to not only survive, but to thrive. So now, after the storm, when the dark clouds have moved on and the sun begins to reappear, it's time for the flowers and the birds to dry off and go back to their business, until the next summer storm hits.

 

Happy Anniversary, SFG! And may your next summer storm be as sweet as the one that we have shared together.

[beebee]

dear don... ive been following your story and im amazed at your strength... how is it that you have found the energy after such an emotional upheavel in your life to do the things that you are doing?... its amazing to me...

i unfortunately curled up in a ball with the pain... i mean that almost literally and im not very proud of myself for being that sick in the head... i just couldnt find the energy to move on... everything to me was such a burden... im not saying that i didnt do everything that i was "supposed" to do... i feel that i did... i changed jobs, looked for a new profession, went back to school for more education, dated a bit, found my own place to live... but all of it was fake... everything i did was more to survive then to "live"... im still empty inside even though im still trying... its as if the cosmos arent looking kindly upon me to give me that one ray of sunshine that will make me feel as if ive moved on and am truly living once again... i just want to stop hurting...

your thread intrigues and interests me and as ive said before, i am praying for you and your success in life... you sound like such a wonderful person who deserves all the happiness with someone who is just as special as you... i feel almost "less then" because i dont have the strength you have and it just makes me sadder to think im so weak... ive pretty much tried all the things that i was to do, such as see a therapist to taking the requiste anti-depressants, to talking with my friends, working non-stop, etc etc... all of this was to no avail...

im still at a loss... deeply and horribly at a loss...

sorry... i didnt mean to take us off the main subject of your moving on... i just dont know what else to do to become like you...

you truly do amaze me with your strength and i love your analagies in the way you express yourself... God Bless...

[Donster]

Beebee, thanks for the message and your kind words. I honestly don't understand myself either--I really thought that I would have a super hard time dealing with the emotions and feelings of loss, but I haven't. I think I am lucky in that I have a good capacity for compartmentalizing things--it's a defense mechanism that allows me to stick feelings into a box, put them on a shelf, and then not deal with them so that I can concentrate more fully on other things.

 

Perhaps it's a skill that I have learned or honed through playing tennis, where I have to focus on every single point and shot that I make as I make them, without having to worry about the point that I may have lost just 30 seconds ago, or the fact that the score is 0-40, 2-5 and that I may be a point away from defeat, or the fact that people are watching me, and perhaps criticizing my skills or my strategy. When I am playing, none of these external things matter--I focus only on the task at hand.

 

I imagine that this is a skill that emergency room doctors must possess as well. A patient comes in with a gunshot wound must be taken care of as a gunshot victim. There's no time or room to think about the circumstances that brought the patient in, or the fact that she is someone's daughter and her parents are in the waiting room, or the fact that she may be a mother of 5 kids. These external thoughts and feelings must be compartmentalized so that the patient and her wellbeing become the only and primary focus.

 

So for now, I am enjoying focusing on me for a while. For so long I focused on the "us and we", and I'm enjoying learning about myself and being me for my own sake. There's too much of life out there to live and to experience to just curl up in a ball! (although there's a time for that too, and believe, I have been there many times in the weeks and months prior to my actual breakup).

 

I'm very sorry to hear about the hard time that you are having. I received some very good advice from friends regarding how best to heal after a breakup. 1) take care of yourself physically (and mentally). make sure you sleep well, eat well, remain physically active, have human contact 2) time and distance will take care of the rest.

 

Don't ever think that you are "less than" anyone! We are all different individuals who are on earth for a reason, and we all deal with things differently. Once you find some way to start feeling good about yourself for your sake (not for anyone else's!!!), you will see your whole perspective start to change. You seem like a very nice and thoughtful person with a lot of compassion and capacity to feel--so because of that you are already "more than" a lot of other people out there in the world! You may not feel very special right now, but you should realize that you are, and when the right person comes along, you will become very special to them too.

 

So stop, take a deep breath, and think about all the good qualities that you have and the good, positive steps you have taken. Make a list and write them down on a piece of paper so that you will actually see them, rather than just think about them. And trust me, you will start to feel good about yourself once you realize how you have already changed and grown in the time that you've been alone. It's not "fake" as you put it, but very real indeed.

---------------------

I'll leave you with a song from Whitney Houston, which was actually sent to me by KfromVancouver:

 

On My Own, by Whitney Houston

 

I'm wiser now

I'm not the foolish girl you used to know

So long ago

I'm stronger now

I've learned from my mistakes which way to go

And I should know

I put myself aside to do it your way

But now I need to do it all alone

 

And I am not afraid to try it on my own

I don't care if I'm right or wrong

I'll live my life the way I feel

No matter what I'll keep it real you know

Time for me to do it on my own

Yeah yeah, mmm, yeah yeah

 

It's over now

I can't go back to living through your eyes

Too many lies

And if you don't know by now

I can't go back to being someone else

Not anymore

I never had a chance to do things my way

So now it's time for me to take control

 

And I am not afraid to try it on my own

I don't care if I'm right or wrong

I'll live my life the way I feel

No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know

Time for me to do it

 

Oh I start again go back to one

I'm running things my way

Can't stop me now, I've just begun

Don't even think about it

There ain't no way about it

I'm taking names, the ones of mine

Yes I'm gonna take my turn

It's time for me to finally stand alone, stand alone

 

I am not afraid to try it on my own

And I don't care if I'm right or wrong

I'll live my life the way I feel

No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know

It's time for me to do it

See I'm not afraid

[KfromVancouver]

Hi Beebee:

 

I think you need to give yourself a great deal of credit for doing all the things you have done to move on, even if you are not yet at the place you want to be.

 

In my limited history of relationships, I recall a time when a relationship ended because I got jealous of some guy that was flirting with my bf. My bf was not behaving inappropriately, but I still went a bit ballistic. Instead of telling me he was upset, he just stopped answering/returning my calls. I was left to hang dry for two weeks. Two weeks that I'll never forget. Two weeks of feeling sick with a deep ache inside that I could not "fix". I cried a lot - and I'm not usually a crier. To make things worse, I had been out of job for the past six months and I had to prepare for some important job interviews. It became a desperate situation but I found the resolve to do what I needed to do because I felt angry at him for making me feel so worthless and, in essense, rather pitiful. I resented him having so much power over my life. It was scary.

 

Ultimately, I did get the job and did finally speak to him. I ended up crying like a baby as I told him how hurt I felt that he just cut me off. Afterwards, I knew it was over between us but I felt proud of myself that I seized back control over my happiness. Our relationship ended over four years ago and I don't miss him a bit. I just knew that I deserved better - I had had enough.

 

So, Beebee. I do believe that we each have our own path to follow. Keep doing the right things and when you are ready, you'll move on. My only bit of guidance is try not to struggle with the process insofar as possible. Whenever I am feeling upset, anxious, insecure, I meditate to help re-centre myself. I strongly believe in not struggling if I can help it, because struggling against life just makes whatever you are trying to deal with worse. Try to accept the moment, but keep striving to live the life of happiness and dignity that you deserve.

 

Take care, Beebee. I'm routing for you! =D>

 

 

Kirbster

[beebee]

your lovely kirbster... thank you for your sweet kind words...

[Donster]

I've been thinking a lot about bandaids lately. Is it better to tear them off quickly, or to slowly ease it off? Or does it depend on the nature of the wound? A former doctor of mine was opposed to bandaids--she always thought it was better to let wounds heal in the open air because the new skin grows back much faster that way.

 

I've seen an awful lot of SFG over the past week. First we had our "anniversary" dinner. Then we saw each other at our tennis league. Then I helped him shop for a tennis tournament banquet that we were hosting at our house (we had made the committment months before, when things were still relatively OK) and we had dinner together, then I hung out all day at the house because my car was being serviced, and then I saw him out at a bar on Friday for a tournament party, and then Saturday was the big banquet at our house, and then Sunday we saw each other at tennis and I went back to the house to help clean up leftover food.

 

Each time we saw each other it was like a new wound opening up, although for me they were light scratches. For SFG I think they felt like big gashes. Part of it is the rebound factor. Being around each other makes it feel like old times again. The holes of our wounds get filled, even if it's just temporary, for an hour or two. But then they get opened up again. And everything is bittersweet. We get along well, and we are reminded both of the good times that we used to have, as well as the reality that we are no longer together.

 

The banquet was a lot of fun. We had 55 out of town guests from NY and DC visiting Boston for a tennis tournament and nearly 80 guests overall. So we had tables under a big tent in the backyard and had a catered New England clambake. It was picture perfect, just the type of party that we always thought we would have at our house. But again, it was bittersweet. No matter how good and fun the party was, it was also a symbol of a future that is no longer a possibility. A terminated project. An abortion. The house is on the market and hopefully it will bring a lot of joy to the next occupants.

 

I still haven't allowed myself the time to feel or to think too deeply. I've been oriented in action and activity, throwing my attention into sports, friends, and work. I'm living for the here and now, the physical world of today, so that I don't have to think too much about yesterday or tomorrow. I have taken "should have, would have, and could have" out of my thoughts and vocabulary. And I am not going to worry about a future that may or may not come to be. I have hopes, but am trying at the same time to suppress desire, because unfulfilled desire is one of the roots of unhappiness.

 

SFG is still feeling his wounds much more deeply than I am. Several times he has reiterated that he has been having second thoughts and doubts about the breakup. He regrets past actions, and he wants to reclaim the future possibilities that we had before the breakup. Yes, we had a very good life together, but there really is no going back now. Pandora's box has been opened. Things are in the air that can't be stuffed back into a closet or swept under a rug. And neither of us have had enough time to heal yet. The need to erase the pain of the present is great, but getting back together would just be a bandaid. It would buy us a little bit of time, but really none of the underlying issues have yet been properly addressed. SFG is already forgetting a lot of the reasons why he wanted to break up with me in the first place. The pain of the present is all SFG can see right now, and he wants to dampen the pain, to cover it up with a bandaid. But it would create an even bigger rip later if the bandaid were to come off again, a rip that may never be healed.

 

So now that the last committment that SFG and I had together is over with the conclusion of the weekend's tennis tournament and banquet, we can allow our wounds to more fully heal in the open air, as my old doctor preferred. For his own good I will stay away from him and maintain as little contact as possible. He needs to live his own life for a while. He needs to begin to forget about me. And he needs time and space for his wounds to close.

[kadvati79]

I still haven't allowed myself the time to feel or to think too deeply. I've been oriented in action and activity, throwing my attention into sports, friends, and work. I'm living for the here and now, the physical world of today, so that I don't have to think too much about yesterday or tomorrow. I have taken "should have, would have, and could have" out of my thoughts and vocabulary. And I am not going to worry about a future that may or may not come to be. I have hopes, but am trying at the same time to suppress desire, because unfulfilled desire is one of the roots of unhappiness.

Donster, I hope you know that i deeply respect you particulary given your candid and gutwrenchingly honest posts. For this reason, I will always tell you what I think.

 

When I read your post I hear lots of "we's" and very few "I's". In fact, the only I's were in the statement I quoted above, where you identified that you still haven't allowed yourself to feel or think too deeply. I think its good you have put some emotional distance from feeling for a bit. Given yourself a break. But you aren't giving yourself a break from SFG.

 

I like the bandaid idea, and I am a firm believer that we experiment in life, the important thing is to not be reckless and to learn from our mistakes. If something isn't working, try something else. I think it was Albert Einstein that said "The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I want to ask you, Donster, is this working? Really?

 

I'm sorry, but I don't see you growing by being around SFG. I see you holding onto the past, scared to face the future and the grow you are being asked to make. I remember thinking about my ex, "if I had my way, I'd never get over you". I didn't want to grow. I didn't want to be stronger, I wanted to stay where I was, I wanted to stay in love. I wanted to believe. But thats not what the universe, or god, or whatever is out there planned for me. I've accept that now, even though I still hurt, I've accepted that fact that life has bigger things in store for me and this is all a part of me growing.

 

Yeah, it sucks. But a few months of sadness is better than a lifetime of numbness and ignorance.

 

You are not going to grow with SFG in your life. You need to make a choice here. Now, we'll root for you no matter what that is. But I do hope you choose to grow. I hope you choose to face your sadness, the pain, thats waiting for you. I hope you face that without SFG beside you, but realise that you are not alone. I want you to grow because I think the strength you will gain from all this will allow you to know a love and life so much beyond whatever you have experienced before.

 

I read alot in your post about future, and reading between the lines I think you mean a future with SFG. Remember, its called a breakup because its broken. He walked away from this, not you. You are the one trying to understand it, he is not. You are here, he is not.

 

Whatever you do, its a matter of learning from it. Its like business, making enough mistakes till you figure out how to be successful. Like Thomas Eddison said about inventing the lightbulb: "It took just over 1,000 failures to produce a successful lightblub".

[Donster]

Icemoto, thank you so much for the much needed wake up call. And thank you too Beebee for your private comments. I think I am very much slipping right back into old habits where I find myself doing things for him, rather than for myself. I was even just remarking to a friend the other day that I am withdrawing contact with SFG now that our banquet is finished for his own good, which meant that I am forgetting about doing things for my own good. This is time for me now that SFG is out of my life, and although he will always be a part of my past, I have to take him out of my thoughts of the future. I'm the only one who is guaranteed to be in my future. And thereforeeee I'm the one I should be worrying about right now. So thanks to you both for the reminder.

 

Now that I've slowed things down a little bit and have not planned as many activities to keep me occupied, I am finding myself spending a more time by myself. And in so doing, something started happening--I started feeling again. When I stopped by the house to clean up some leftover food from the previous night's banquet, I literally began to feel sick to my stomach. And after leaving the house to go back to my apartment, I began to feel a deep, aching sadness.

 

I've carried this sadness for a couple of days now. It's not over anything in particular, and I don't think of too much while I feel it. I just let it be. In fact, I welcome this sadness. I still haven't yet shed a single tear since leaving the house. And I know that a good cry will make me feel better. Crying is cathartic. It will allow me to properly grieve, to empty out all the sorrow, and to wash out all the pent up frustration and emotion. And once I am entirely empty of everything that had been stored in my mind and in my heart, I can start to fill myself with new and different experiences, and with new joys that aren't there just as a substitute to block out the pain that I have been carrying. And in time, I am sure, with new love and happiness.

[need2bme]

Ya know, I want you to know that your posts are heartfelt and I appreciate what you post, because they make me think.

 

I was thinking about how everyone says to get out. I think that is important at first. I can't do it enough yet. There will be time to work on yourself, but you cannot let the depression sink in. It is starting to, on me again. I was going to go dancing tonight, but I just don't feel like it. Besides, I would have to run home shower and change AND still would probalby not ask anyone to dance.

 

I can also relate to the phone sex stuff. I totally chatted way to much on the internet and totally had the phone sex, with people I actually knew.

 

How can you do that and have respect for the person you are with, much less for yourself. I realize that now.

 

Keep the posts coming. I need to keep thinking about stuff.

[Donster]

I just spoke to a friend last night who just recently went through her own breakup. Tis the season, I guess.

 

The interesting thing about hearing her talk about the difficulties she is dealing with, and all the pain and sorrow she is going through, is that it reminded me of all the pain, misery, and suffering that I went through over the past several months--pain that I had almost forgotten about, but which I need to remember and hold onto for a while longer.

 

After talking to my friend, I suddenly remember the dark space that I was in for such a long time, and the dark thoughts that I used to have while lying awake in bed. And the risky behaviour on the roads I had begun to adopt. At some point, the pain had become so great that I literally didn't care about my own life any more. The past was too much a source of pain because it reminded me too much of a future that would never come to pass. So all my memories were painful. And my life in the present was just sheer agony.

 

And on top of the pain was fear. Fear that I would be alone forever. Fear that I would never find love again. Fear that I would forever have a hole in my heart.

 

I actually thought about going into the garage and turning on my car, and taking a long, long nap. Or finishing off a bottle of sleeping pills that we had for our transatlantic flight. It was appealing to think that I would then be free from the pain, the fear, and the anxiety that not only filled my life and every thought at the time, but which bound me, to the point where I didn't feel like I was living anyways. And it was appealing to think that I would be martyring myself, and making life so much easier for SFG. If I got hit by a bus, and were just snuffed out, then SFG would have the freedom he so wanted and desired, but without any of the guilt and regret that he felt by initiating a breakup. And I loved him enough that I rationalized it in my mind as the ultimate gift to give him. A parting gift.

 

But I knew that these were dark thoughts. My rational mind spoke to me, and luckily I listened. I remembered hearing my friends' voices telling me that I'm young, and I still have my entire life ahead of me, whether it was with SFG or not. I realized that SFG should only be a part of my life, not my whole life. And even if life with SFG were to end, there is still so much of my life to live and experience. And I recalled reading that suicide was an angry, spiteful, and selfish act--not at all the mark of an altruistic martyr. To do something like that would be to force a lifetime of guilt, shame, and regret onto someone whom I still loved very much. It wouldn't be a gift at all, but rather the most selfish act anyone could ever do.

 

I know many of us have been there--in that dark hole or tunnel that doesn't feel like it has an entrance or an exit. We get lost in our own minds, and we start to feel like we're not living anyways. But there is always a way out. And once you get out, back into the sunshine and warm air, you will look back and say to yourself, how did I ever fall into that hole in the first place?

[Donster]

So finally, I cried a little. And it reminded me that I was human after all. I had been spending so much time distracting myself from having to think and feel...but I knew that I couldn't keep it up. And in the days following my slow-down, I had begun to feel some sadness, which I carried for a few days. And finally, while driving down a leafy road on my way to yet another distraction, I pulled over and had a little cry.

 

For those of you who had been following this thread, I had not shed a single tear since moving out of my old house and into an apartment.

 

The interesting thing was that the feeling that I was experiencing prior to my little crying session wasn't sadness, or unhappiness. It was anger. But anger really is just the flip side of sadness and depression. One side faces inward and the other outward. Two different faces of the same coin that seem so different, yet are so closely related.

 

I was angry at the circumstances that brought me to where I was that day, at that precise moment in time. I was frustrated. And the feeling just overwhelmed me. I dont even know or remember exactly what I was thinking of at the time--the day was as normal as any other day I had been experiencing over the last month. The only difference was that SFG and I were a step closer to putting our house on the market, and I had received an email from SFG earlier in the day to discuss how we were going to handle dividing our assets.

 

None of these things really elicited any feeling in me when I first saw the emails or thought about them. But here I was, just overcome with anger. And I had to get it off my chest. So I texted SFG. I had to express it. I had to let him know that I was angry, even though I had promised myself that I would maintain as little contact with him as I could.

 

Thinking back, I think part of it was the idea of dividing the tangible reminders of our relationship that brought on these feelings. And the realization that we were quite literally breaking down what we had worked so hard to build...a sense of the finality of it all...and a great sense of loss of something that was, to me at least, truly special and great.

 

And there was also the feeling that it didn't have to be this way. The fairy tale wasn't ever supposed to end like this. It was supposed to be "happily ever after" rather than a dark ending from the Brothers Grimm. We had made such strides in overcoming a lot of the barriers, hurdles, and issues that we had been facing for the past year, and I was frustrated that it just didn't work out. I was angry at some of the outside forces that came into play that disrupted and interrupted the healing process that we were going through. And I was angry at the weakness that SFG showed in the face of these outside forces and the hurt that I suffered as a result of his human failings. And I was angry at myself too for some of the hurt that I caused him as a result of my failings.

 

And so I pulled over to the side of the road, parked the car, and let the feelings wash over me. And I allowed the tears that I had been waiting for so long to shed to finally pour out of me. It ended up being only a trickle, but it was a welcome trickle. And it felt good. The tears did their job. They washed away some of the feeling that I had been carrying and they helped clear my mind and my heart.

[Donster]

I keep seeing the same themes come up in different threads about the grass being greener, about wanting what we do not have, about desiring a perfect relationship (if such a thing even exists). I originally posted this on another thread, but thought it might be interesting to repeat here on my thread.

 

P.S. I'm not trying to proselytize...

"Don't try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist;

use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are."

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

 

---------------

For purposes of discussion, I will bring forth two concepts:

 

1) Plato's allegory of the cave. There's a picture here, and a description. link removed

But basically, it just means that if you don't know any better, you will be happy with what you have, or perceive. This knowledge is the apple...once you taste it, you cant go back. If all you knew in life was your Amish community and nothing of the world outside of it (like in M. Night Shyamalan's The Village), then that becomes your full reality, the only truth that you know, and you will find happiness there, if anything because you don't know any better. Ignorance can be bliss.

 

2) Buddhist teachings: Desire is the seat of unhappiness. Here's a nice quote from a website about Buddhism, link removed

 

There are a lot of gems on this web page, but I've pulled out a few things from this website that are interesting to think about, as they pertain to relationships:

 

Is the perfection we are looking for achievable? An old Sufi tale as illustration:

 

"One afternoon, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a cafe, drinking tea and talking about life and love. His friend asked: 'How come you never married?'

'Well,' said Nasruddin, 'to tell you the truth, I spend my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no common interests. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then one day, I met her; beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had very much in common. In fact, she was perfect!'

'So, what happened?' asked Nasruddin's friend, 'Why didn't you marry her?'

Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. 'Well,' he replied, 'it's really the sad story of my life.... It seemed that she was looking for the perfect man...' "

 

"Grasping at things can only yield one of two results:

Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear.

It is only a matter of which occurs first." --Goenka

 

The Buddha compared desires to being in debt. If you owe money to the bank for your house, every month you have to pay. In the end, you will own the house. With sensual desires however, you cannot pay off the debt; they arise again and again. Hunger, thirst, lust for sex, warmth, coolness, they all come back again and again. Trying to fulfil our desires is like carrying water to the sea; a never ending task and ultimately completely useless.

[Donster]

I plugged in “loss” into the online Merriam-Webster dictionary and I noticed something very interesting.

 

The first definition is actually a link to two other meanings: destruction and ruin, followed by what we normally think of when we see the word: “the act of losing possession”.

 

The other definitions are all quite interesting as well, ranging from the scientific (electrical energy and heat loss) and the financial (opposite of gain) to the world of sports (opposite of a win).

 

And then there are uses of the word in phrases:

- at a loss: uncertain as to how to proceed

- for a loss : into a state of distress

 

How apt is it that so many of these meanings fit directly into what I have been feeling? A “state of distress” just goes without saying, and I’m still trying to figure out how best I should proceed in life now that I am single. I’m trying to figure out both the basics (e.g., how to balance my finances and how to date) as well as the complicated issues of life (e.g., what meaning and purpose in life do I want to pursue and what city do I want to start my new life in?). I’m also still trying to sort out all the different things that led to the destruction and ruin of my relationship with SFG. In short, I am realizing that I am still at the beginning of learning to deal with my loss.

 

I then plugged in something else that I have been thinking about: values

And among the many definitions that dealt with currencies and numbers, were a couple that resonated with my thoughts.

 

Value. noun. Etymology: Middle English, worth, high quality, from Latin, to be of worth, be strong.

- relative worth, utility, or importance

- something (as a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable

 

Values are something that are very important to me. Values are things that we learn in life, from our experiences. I was taught by my parents from a very young age to value my health, my family, and my education. Money, love, friends, jobs, and status can all come and go in the blink of an eye. But if you take care of yourself, you will have your health. Likewise, education and knowledge are things that cannot ever be taken away once you have gained them. And again, family is something that just exists without question. These are people who are there no matter what, and only death can take your family away from you.

 

Shared values make a family strong. And shared values make a relationship strong. Attraction and affection bring people together in a relationship, but I have been reading again and again about how shared values are what keep a relationship going in the long run. People may argue and have differences in opinion, but in every relationship there are a set of fundamental values that bind and carry the couple through difficult times. And values are among those things that last, even as people age, or grow apart.

 

So what happens when people begin to change and values begin to change, or are lost? Are relationships doomed in these cases if both parties aren’t changing together in the right way? And what causes values to change in the first place? Are they not as fundamental to one’s existence as I think they are, or ought to be?

 

SFG has said many times over the past few months that he has found himself changing, in a way that he is not very happy with. He is still upset at all the hurt he has caused me. Have his values changed? Or are they still there? Or is what he values the thing that changed? Did sexual titillation or the butterfly feelings of a new relationship become something that he came to value more than his feelings towards me or towards our relationship?

 

And how have I changed over the years? Have my values changed? Monogamy was something that I once held high value to, yet I found myself straying again and again. I loved SFG so much, yet how could I do these things, and also convince myself that I wasn’t hurting him? And I know that he loved me very much too, yet how did he come to find himself doing all those things that hurt me so much? What happened to the values that kept our behaviors in check?

 

Ultimately, these are things that I will have to sort out. Time will certainly help, as I heal from the memories of this past relationship, begin to forge new ones, and learn to rediscover myself all over again. Meeting new people will help too, as I learn to identify those characteristics and values displayed by others that I really admire.

 

Among those things that I already know will be paramount for myself, and for any future relationship I will enter in are the values of integrity, honesty, and humility, in addition to the values that I learned from my parents about the importance of healthy living, loving your family, and pursuit of knowledge. From my experience in my last relationship, I also know that other values I will seek out in future partners will be a sense of conviction (A la Horton the Elephant, who says what he means, and means what he says 100%) and respect for others. And everything else is out for me to discover!

[Donster]

I am feeling angry and bitter. I've been this way all week. I hope it doesn't last too much longer, and I understand it's all part of the natural grieving process. But I really don't like feeling this way. I'm not used to it, and it's not really me.

 

Main Entry: bit·ter

Function: adjective

1 a : being or inducing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is peculiarly acrid, astringent, or disagreeable and suggestive of an infusion of hops -- compare SALT, SOUR, SWEET

b : distasteful or distressing to the mind : GALLING

2 : marked by intensity or severity:

a : accompanied by severe pain or suffering

b : being relentlessly determined : VEHEMENT

c : exhibiting intense animosity

d (1) : harshly reproachful

(2) : marked by cynicism and rancor

e : intensely unpleasant especially in coldness or rawness

(3) : expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret

 

I did a google image search of "bitterness" because I wanted to see what bitterness looks like. I found this interesting tree on this one website: link removed

 

image removed

 

 

 

So in my bitter state, I continue to do things to, as Icemoto puts it, to remove my ex from the fabric of my existence. I've deleted the pics of him that were save on my cell phone. I've changed his name on my cell phone address book--his listing now looks like any other listing on my cell phone, he no longer has the privilege of being a one-name entity in my life (a status reserved for the likes of Cher, Madonna, Babs, Bette, and Liza). I've removed the voice command feature that allowed me to call him without pushing buttons. I've changed all my passwords, which used to be a variation of his name. Even the phone number at the house we once shared, which was listed in my phone under "home" has been changed to "SFG house" since I no longer live there and can no longer call it my home.

 

I don't mean him "malice", "slander" or "evil" as the quote I found says is associated with bitterness. But I need to feel some of this before I can properly move on and get past all the pain, hurt, and grief that I have suffered over the years.

 

And once the house we own together and the furniture and possessions are sold and divided, I will be totally separated from him legally and financially, and then I can work on totally separating from him emotionally, physically, and mentally. And then the bitterness and anger will be gone and I can more properly move on with my life.

[Donster]

This is a first for me--three posts in one day! I just can't shake this anger and bitterness I am feeling, and I feel it growing bigger, and digging deeper into my core.

 

I'm working late in my office again tonight, trying to make a difficult deadline by the end of the week. I would have liked nothing more than to work a hard day, come home and have a glass of wine with my honey, chat and relax, watch a little TV, and then fall asleep in our bed, lying in the comfort of his arms, falling asleep while listening to his heart beating next to mine, and then waking up the next morning, with a smile on my face, ready to start the day anew.

 

But all of this is gone. The wonderful life I had with SFG is gone. The companionship and friendship that I drew strength from for nearly half of my life is gone. The comfortable home that SFG and I had created for ourselves is gone. The smiles, the embraces, the "I love you's", the "good morning" emails, our shared past, and our future plans...all gone. SFG is gone.

 

And all that I am left with is this anger and bitterness. And sadness and loneliness. I miss SFG. But I have to will myself to not miss him, because he is gone.

 

I'm actually quite angry and bitter that he has been "gone" for some time now, even before we actually broke up. The old SFG that I knew and loved, has been missing for years. Like in Tamia's song, he's been a stranger in my house for quite a while.

 

There's a Stranger in My House by Tamia

I don't understand

You look just like the man

In the picture by our bed

The suspence is pounding and clouding up my head

I'm checkin your clothes

And you wear the same size shoe

You sleep in his spot

And you're driving his car

But I don't know just who you are

 

There's a stranger in my house

It took a while to figure out

Theres no way you could be who you say you are

You gotta be someone else

'Cuz he wouldnt touch me like that

And he wouldn't treat me like you do

He would adore me, he wouldnt ignore me

So I'm convinced theres a stranger in my house

 

I'm not sure who you are

Don't see your shadow around when you walk

Ain't leavin' no kisses

Goodbye with no words

If these walls could talk

They would have nothing to tell

 

So what could it be?

Is there someone imitating me?

Could she be taking my place?

Look me in the face

And tell me that Im' wrong

When I say...

 

Pop quiz

Tell me where we first kissed

Tell me where my spot is

Tell me if I liked it, loved it

Or could it be

That the stranger is me

Have I changed so drastically?

Is it I want more for me?

And you remain the same?

 

And I'm angry that SFG was so easily bought by BF#2.

A few nice dinners, $300

A couple of bottles of nice wine, $150

Tickets to a show, $85

Empty flattery and flirtation, free.

Destruction of a once solid and thriving relationship, that went through hard times, but was fixable, and definitely on the mend: total cost, a bargain at under $1000 USD.

 

As an added bonus, heartache, pain, and tears are thrown in for free, part of an all-you-can-eat, all-you-can-handle, all-you-can take, all-inclusive package. And the $1000 apparently comes with a get-out-of-jail card, since BF#2 gets off entirely scott free with SFG and among our mutual friends despite all the damage and pain he caused me and SFG.

 

And I'm also angry that SFG's BF#3 (the guy he shacked up with in Chicago) is flying into town this weekend. Undoubtedly, he will sleep in what used to be my bed, make love with SFG, walk in my shoes, replacing my role. Replacing me. In what used to be my own home.

 

But the world is so ironic sometimes. I heard from mutual acquaintances that it turns out that SFG is in part responsible for BF#3's breakup with his long-time partner. Like crab lice, chlamydia, and gonorrhea, it's a gift that just keeps on giving. It's karma. Where the chain will continue, nobody knows. I just know that I want absolutely no part of it. This is where values (see my previous posts) have to come into play. After having experienced being wronged in this way, I would never want to be the cause of anyone else's breakup or a source of anyone else's relationship strife. I would not want to cause anyone pain if it's even a fraction of what I have gone through. And I would not want the guilt or stigma of being a homewrecker, no matter how damaged the other party's relationship was to start with. So note to self: do not get involved with married men. There's only going to be pain and anguish and guilt all around in the long run.

 

OK, it's all off my chest now. And now I have my own fabulous life to live, free of all this baggage from my past. The good memories are there, and I will file them away for later. The bad memories will be forgotten over time. I am going to go out into the world, have the time of my life, meet all sorts of fun and interesting people, and I'm going to make it on my own.

 

I've been posting all sorts of songs for other people on this site. Now, finally a song for myself! (and in hot pink, no less!) Two points for anyone who recognizes it (I'll post the answer in a future posting). I think this will be my theme song as I go forward with my life. Click here to listen--> link removed

 

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well it's you girl, and you should know it

With each glance and every little movement you show it

 

Love is all around, no need to waste it

You can have a town, why don't you take it

You're gonna make it after all

You're gonna make it after all

 

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone

But it's time you started living

It's time you let someone else do some giving

 

Love is all around, no need to fake it

You can have a town, why don't you take it

You're gonna make it after all

You're gonna make it after all

[Donster]

What a roller coaster day I have been having. Post #4 for the day...and in contrast to how I was feeling just a couple of hours ago, now I can't stop smiling!!! I just booked my tickets to London, where I am going to visit for a week to see if I want to relocate to my company's European office! I've been thinking about this for some time, but am finally doing what I need to do to make it happen.

 

I'm feeling so good about taking positive steps to move on with my life. Moving forward, and not looking back. Like the Striding Man logo of Johnny Walker fame, who's motto is to Keep Walking.

image removed

 

A move like this would be amazing from both a personal standpoint and a professional standpoint. And now that I'm single, free, and unattached, why not make an out-of-the-box move to another country?

 

In the beginning, I was afraid that the idea of moving to another country was related to me wanting to run away from my situation here. But after a month of being able to reflect on my situation, wants, and needs in life, I can confidently say that my desire to move is based on me wanting to go to something, rather than me wanting to run from something. So I'm going to visit for a week, check out my company's office, scope out different neighborhoods, look for flats, and meet lots of sporty lads and friendly blokes!

 

My birthday is just a couple of weeks away, and I am going to treat the trip to Europe like a birthday celebration. And what better gift to give myself than the gift of a brand new, new and improved, better than ever, better than ezra, and better than SFG, life of my own?!!??

[Donster]

I thought this was interesting.

 

link removed

 

The article basically says that the traditional "5 Stages of Grief" that mental health providers use as a framework for people dealing with issues of loss (e.g., death of a loved one, breakup or divorce) is incomplete.

 

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance are indeed part of the process, but there is another part that only begins with Acceptance: TEAR

 

T = To accept the reality of the loss

E = Experience the pain of the loss

A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object

R = Reinvest in the new reality.

 

With all the anger that I had been feeling, I thought I was still stuck in Phase 2 of the grieving cycle. And I thought I had a lot more ahead of me before I could deal properly with the breakup. Yet, after learning about TEAR, I realize that I have already been doing a lot of the necessary work to move on.

 

Breaking up is a process, not a single event. So much of the Denial, Bargaining, and Depression actually occurred in the weeks and months prior to the breakup. The anger that I felt in Chicago was just the breaking point, the last bit of steam that blew the lid off the kettle. It was the one event that I needed to experience to put all the pieces together into one package that I refer to as "the breakup", but which really was not one event at all, but a long, drawn out process.

 

The acceptance piece is something that "the breakup" helped allow to happen. And the acceptance piece is something that allows the rest of the TEAR process to begin. This quote is from the article in the link I provided:

 

Notice that the first step of Grief Work is ACCEPTANCE, the last stage of the 5 Stages of Grief.

 

It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.

 

Now the feelings that I have been experiencing all make sense. I have been Experiencing the pain of my loss more fully now that the "honeymoon" period is over. The Adjustment to my new environment without my ex has been ongoing. And I am only now beginning to Reinvest in the new reality, of life without my ex. This is what it means to TEAR my ex from the fabric of my existence. He was in my past, but he is no longer in my present and he will not be in my future. I am reinvesting in me and in my life only. And I'm going to make it on my own.

 

--------------------------------

P.S. for those of you who didn't know (or are too young to know) where the theme song from the last post came from, it's from the Mary Tyler Moore show, which aired in the very early 70's in the US. More on the MTM show here: link removed

 

But in short, she was a young woman in her thirties who moves to a new city after a break-up, and who is determined to start a new life on her own. And I identified most with this description of Mary:

Unattached and not reliant upon a man, Mary never rejected men as romantic objects or denied her hopes to one day be married. But Mary did not define her life through her search for "Mr. Right."

 

This is a good motto for all of us to live by as we move on from our past relationships!

[Ellie2006]

Dear Don,

 

I just found your thread and read it today.

I am amazed by your personal integrity, strength, and generosity.

I have seen your post here and there throughout the forum and really appreciated your willingness to help others by giving advice and sharing your story when you're hurting too. Thanks!

 

I know that you asked for comments/feedback a while back. I don't think I can add much but am learning a lot from your insights and the wisdom of others who've posted their feedback here and elsewhere. A while back, you put up the lyrics to some songs that you thought were helpful.

 

I've been listening to this song by Keane called "Hamburg Song." Though it's pensive in nature, it's been rather cathartic to listen to it. It brought tears to my eyes at first but now I think I'm making progress bc I can listen to it, be calm, and try to process the message of the lyrics (or what I think the central message is): even if you love someone and want to give them the world, it means nothing if they don't want it. (Now that I've actually written it down, maybe it's too depressing a message! )

 

I thought I was giving my ex something soooo special by giving him my unconditional love, something, I thought, that can be replicated by no other. And how dare he discard it so easily?! But I see now that it was only special because *I* had deemed it of utmost value. I really did not take into account how he felt about it at all and how such a deluge of love from me would actually burden/pressure him to reciprocate when he wasn't ready. Really self-centered of me, I know I thought all this time I had been all about "him, him, him" and was resentful that he didn't see how good he had it when actually, it was really all about "me, me, me" and how good *I* was for being able to love someone unconditionally, and how dare he hurt *me* when I did nothing to him but love him with all my heart. (A classic passive-aggressive behavior, I know ... I guess this is my problem. I know w/my head but can't seem to stop the destructive behavior ) I had blamed him for breaking us up but I know now that I need to step up to the plate and own up to my contribution in the break-up. He didn't ask me to love him; I gave him my heart of my own accord and I guess I can't blame him for anything, really ...

 

Another realization: it was rather arrogant of me to think that *I* knew what's best for him (i.e. me ). How foolish it was for me to pat myself on the back and think of myself as "all that" and call him a fool for throwing me away because he'll never find any one who'll love him as much as I do! I guess this is what I learned as a result of this break-up: be more humble!

 

Wow, this turned out to be a longer post than I planned. Intially I was going to thank you and post the lyrics to the Keane song. I don't know if you'll like this song or find it helpful but I'll post it just in case.

 

Stay strong! And know that there are people out there rooting for ya!

 

"Hamburg Song" (Keane)

 

I don't wanna be adored

Don't wanna be first in line

Or make myself heard

I'd like to bring a little light

To shine a light on your life

To make you feel loved

 

No, don't wanna be the only one you know

I wanna be the place you call home

 

I lay myself down

To make it so, but you don't want to know

I give much more

Than I'd ever ask for

 

 

Will you see me in the end

Or is it just a waste of time

Trying to be your friend

Just shine, shine, shine

Shine a little light

Shine a light on my life

And warm me up again

 

 

Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all

You know that it could be so simple

 

 

I lay myself down

To make it so, but you don't want to know

You take much more

Than I'd ever ask for

 

 

Say a word or two to brighten my day

Do you think that you could see your way

 

To lay yourself down

And make it so, but you don't want to know

You take much more

Than I'd ever ask for

[Donster]

Quote from Ellie

 

Dear Don,

I just found your thread and read it today.

I am amazed by your personal integrity, strength, and generosity.

I have seen your post here and there throughout the forum and really appreciated your willingness to help others by giving advice and sharing your story when you're hurting too. Thanks!

 

Ellie, many many thanks. I am very glad that you and others have found my posts useful. Like I said in my very first post, I wanted to be able to help others in the same way that I have been helped by reading this forum. My therapist was trying to get me to go to a divorcee's support group, but I told her that I already have my modern day version of one here on the web!

 

even if you love someone and want to give them the world, it means nothing if they don't want it.

 

What a powerful statement! What all the pain is from is really about unrequited love, isn't it? It's what teenage dramas are all about (when we are just learning to deal with our feelings), and it is also what part of the pain of a breakup is all about, when things sometimes feel so one-sided. But it's also what is so special about love when both parties feel the same way and want to give each other the world. It's just too bad that sometimes one, or both parties begin to change and evolve in different ways, and no longer find that they can or are willing to give the other the world. It's the unfairness, the inequality that really hurts. When you feel like you give 100% and don't get it in return.

 

I thought I was giving my ex something soooo special by giving him my unconditional love, something, I thought, that can be replicated by no other. And how dare he discard it so easily?! But I see now that it was only special because *I* had deemed it of utmost value. I really did not take into account how he felt about it at all and how such a deluge of love from me would actually burden/pressure him to reciprocate when he wasn't ready. Really self-centered of me, I know I thought all this time I had been all about "him, him, him" and was resentful that he didn't see how good he had it when actually, it was really all about "me, me, me" and how good *I* was for being able to love someone unconditionally, and how dare he hurt *me* when I did nothing to him but love him with all my heart. (A classic passive-aggressive behavior, I know ... I guess this is my problem. I know w/my head but can't seem to stop the destructive behavior ) I had blamed him for breaking us up but I know now that I need to step up to the plate and own up to my contribution in the break-up. He didn't ask me to love him; I gave him my heart of my own accord and I guess I can't blame him for anything, really ...

 

These points you made really hit home, and I am so glad that you posted here for me. I think it was just what I needed to hear to get out of this angry phase that I have been in for the past week! My tendency is to find and lay blame on anything else other than on me, and yes, it is a rather self centered thing to do, but that's how the ego and the id interact sometimes.

 

Another realization: it was rather arrogant of me to think that *I* knew what's best for him (i.e. me ). How foolish it was for me to pat myself on the back and think of myself as "all that" and call him a fool for throwing me away because he'll never find any one who'll love him as much as I do! I guess this is what I learned as a result of this break-up: be more humble!

 

This next point is something that I still feel...and I still think that real love is a very difficult thing to find in life. Maybe it is just the romantic and idealistic side of me speaking out here. And I think it was a total shame for someone to throw that away in the hopes of finding something slightly better (or newer and fresher)--I know that my ex loved me very much, and I loved him very much. But he needed to go out on his own to see if he can achieve 100% happiness (90% happiness wasn't enough for him). And I loved him enough to let him go and to wish him the extra bit of happiness he so wanted. (but I'm still angry with him somewhat for taking away the happiness that I had!) But I also love myself enough to want me to be happy, in whatever way shape or form that happiness takes. And I know that I am a very good catch and that I will make someone else very happy in the future-someone who will make me equally happy!

[Donster]

Iceman's thread What i've learned and would like to share with you all should be required reading for everyone starting NC or considering getting back together with an ex.

 

 

 

The checklist on Iceman's thread is particularly useful:

 

 

 

My ex wanted to get back together with me after a few weeks away from each other, but I said no, for a variety of reasons.

 

1. I do love him, very much so, maybe too much so. Since the breakup, I have been hyperaware of rebounding behavior because I don't want to find myself in that situation (especially since the never really last, and will cause the pain of breakup for me and the next person all over again, and its not something that I want to experience again any time soon, especially since I havent full healed from this one yet). But there are also some things that I dont love about him, and 3 weeks is not enough time for these aspects to improve.

 

2. Trust is an issue that has influenced both of our behaviors for the second half of the 14 years we were together, and in a not good way. Once broken, it is so difficult to rebuild. There was so much anxiety for so long, and I am enjoying living an anxiety-free life right now where I dont have to worry about getting hurt. Right now, I dont trust that my ex is properly over all of the yayas that he had to get out because of his midlife crisis.

 

3. Ah the pain...I have tried so much to put it out of my mind, but yet it's there and it causes me anger and contempt and bitterness. I tried to forgive my ex for all of these trespasses in the months after they happened, but it is very hard for me to forget, and the hurts are all still too fresh and the pain has not yet gone away. And this pain is also closely linked to trust and anxiety--I dont want to ever get hurt like that again, and I hope that this experience doesnt taint me for other future relationships. But with respect to my ex and this pain, it really is an eye opener to even realize that he was capable of causing me such pain, and who would want to go back into a situation with someone who is capable of this?

 

4. Future? Yes. Despite all these negatives, my ex and I did well with each other, had a good life together, and were both sufficiently future-minded (on the same wavelength) for the most part. We were engaged for a year and a half before all the turmoil hit us. And then as we were getting through the turmoil, and I was able to see blue skies through the clouds again, I was ready to ask him to marry me all over again. I really thought that after getting through the dark tunnel we were in for all those months that our relationship would be better than it had ever been before, and I was ready for the 100% committment for the rest of my life so that we could have a full future together. Stupid me. Luckily this was all before the real hurts began, so I didnt have to make a fool of myself.

 

5. The ex thinks he wanted to come back out of love, but I could see right through him. He is rebounding badly. He's lonely and in need of the company that I once provided. He is stuck in a big, but now empty house, that was once filled with hopes and dreams. He's stuck in a bed alone with no one to cuddle with at night, and no one to wake up next to in the morning. And he doesn't want to go through the trouble and hassle of selling our house. And he foolishly thinks that enough time (3 weeks??) of separation is enough time for us to have dealt with all the issues that we had. And here's the kicker: I asked him once if he was ready to commit 100% to me and to our relationship, and he said that he thought he was ready. For a future husband, I want Horton the elephant who does what he says and says what he does, not someone who just thinks he can commit 100%. I dont think he knows what committment is, so I would never consider taking him back until he learns that lesson.

 

In the meantime I still have a lot to learn, a lot of ways to mature, a lot of experiences to have, a lot of life to live...on my own.

[kadvati79]

Mate I haven't posted her for a while... *ugh* Who keeps stealing my days? Just posting to say I HAVE read through them all. Its great to see you progressing on your journey. I know its hard, but everything worth having is hard. I think, ultimately, you will discover a new level of happiness beyond anything you knew previously. But anyway, I WILL post a decent reply soon...

[Donster]

I continue to be struck by how getting over a relationship is like trying to recover from an addiction. NC = Cold Turkey.

 

I found an interesting website that some instructions for helping people understand why they exhibit addictive behaviors. Addiction is not only about substances, like we are led to believe, but also about behaviours, worrying, criticizing, blaming, danger-seeking, E-not alone...

 

According to this article: link removed these false beliefs are the reasons why people fall into addiction. Do any of these sound familiar?

 

1. I can't handle my pain. The author goes on to talk about the pain of loneliness and helplessness, and how people end up finding addictive ways to soothe this pain (either through substances, or, for the point I am trying to make in this post, they try to rebound, or find another person to help ease these pains.)

 

2. I am unworthy and unlovable. This is related to self blame, self abuse, and not loving oneself. Again, a source of pain that people seek different ways to soothe. Perhaps through validation. Or perhaps by risk-seeking behaviour.

 

3. Others are my source of love. The author speaks here about addiction to attention, love, sex, approval, or connection...that one seeks out from others, again, because they do not give themselves enough approval, or do not love themselves, and rely on outside forces to supply the validation that they seek inside.

 

4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me. Here she speaks about addiction to controlling behaviors, such as anger, judgement, blame, or people-pleasing. This one is again, a sign of relying on others as a source of love.

 

To me, it has become painfully clear that the cure from this addictive behaviour, which manifests in the continued longing that we have for our exes (many of whom no longer want to be with us anyways, so why do we want them back so badly? just because we can't have them???) is to find some way to love ourselves.

 

So when you love yourself, and take care of yourself, and do all the things in life that you need to do to grow, become independent, to become whole, then you don't need another person in your life, or your ex, to validate you, to complete you, to be your only source of happiness in life. That's when you become free from addiction. And that's when you get over your ex. And that's what will make you a better partner to the next important person to enter your life--when you are already whole, you will have more to contribute to the relationship, rather than needing them to make you whole.

 

There have been so many threads floating around regarding this topic of "how do you know when you are over them? or How do you get over them?"--the answer, according to one very astute poster, is to look in the mirror. You are the only one you have control over. You are the only whose happiness you can guarantee. And you are the only one you have ultimate responsibility for.

 

These are some of the rules that I am trying to live my new life under. Already I am feeling fairly free and liberated, even though I know I still have a long ways to go to completely heal and get over the breakup. But if I am already feeling this good about myself in the short time I have been alone, I can't wait to see how good I will feel later when I have more completely healed.

[Donster]

So I haven't posted anything deeply personal on here in a while. It's not that I haven't been doing much thinking or feeling lately, but that I haven't had a whole lot of new insights to share. And I've been crazy busy with work.

 

The past two weeks at work have been pretty hellish, with an unrealistic deadline imposed on me that I couldnt meet and me leaving my office no earlier than 3AM every night with several nights (mornings actually) going til 5AM. I finally got most of my work in on Friday, 4 days post-deadline, and just in time for my bday weekend!

 

A few other coworkers were in the same boat with the same deadlines imposed upon them, and it was very interesting to me that unlike most of the others, I didn't complain too much or get angry at any particular person or group at the office who imposed the deadline. Sure, it was stressful, and the orders to make the deadline came straight from the president of the company. But my rational mind has been in control lately, rather than my emotional mind. And so I coped, and I dealt with the situation as best as I could. And even though I failed at meeting my deadline, I will take pride in knowing that I tried to the best of my ability to make it.

 

I've learnt that I deal with setbacks like this well. And it's also how I have been trying to deal with my breakup. My therapist thinks that I should allow the emotions to come out, so that I can feel them and experience them and let them help make me whole again. Yet my mind automatically compartmentalizes so much for me, to protect me from pain. I've always known this about myself, yet I never knew how strong this drive to protect myself can be.

 

Anyways, after the week of hard labor and sleep deprivation, I had a great weekend of fun for my bday. It's the first bday of my adult life without SFG being a part of it. The only other one I could remember was when I turned 18, a month after starting college, when I barely knew anyone and my roommates threw me a mini surprise party. And other than a surprise 30th bday party that SFG and a friend threw for me, all of my bdays have been spent in pretty much low-key style with just SFG or with his family.

 

I thought I might be a bit sad with having my bday without him, but I have ended up having the best and fullest bday weekend of my life with friends from all segments of my current life.

 

I was out with coworkers one night, some coworkers had a mini party at work for me, some close friends organized a dinner party another night and then we had drinks at a nearby bar where literally a score of different friends showed up, and then I had a night out with new friends that I've made over the past few months. It was good, and it helped me realize that people do know me, recognize me, and love me for me, independently of SFG.

 

It helped me feel whole again.

 

I had written previously that in a relationship, 1 + 1 very much becomes more than 2. But by the same token, and perhaps this only occurs in unhealthy relationships or ones filled with co-dependency, the 2 very much become 1, to the point that neither individual is whole any more on their own, and really needs the other person to complete them. This is certainly how I felt through the second half of my relationship with SFG, and why I was in such fear of being alone during the beginning phases of the breakup.

 

It has now become very clear to me what my immediate future will be like. I need to continue to maintain little or NC with SFG. I've already learned that he is not all there is to life, and that life does not end without him, and that I can do very well on my own. In short, I no longer need him the way I felt that I needed him in the past when we were together. This was advice a friend gave me a year ago, that I just didnt understand or comprehend. And now it is very clear. The friend wanted to instill confidence in me, and I lacked it for so long. Until now. And now I am positive that I will get from life what I want, and what I deserve.

 

I also understand now that this breakup serves a purpose. It gives me time to make myself whole again. to grow, to learn, to develop more fully into the person that I will become later in life. And it's not that the growth, learning, and development didn't happen while I was in the relationship, but that different aspects of these things have occurred. In many ways, throughout my 20's, I was learning to live the life of a 30-something. And now, in my 30's, I am finally going to learn all the things that most 20-somethings learn.

 

And I also understand that any relationship I had with SFG is totally, completely, absolutely over. But in time, after I have made myself whole again in every way that I can on my own, perhaps, and only perhaps will I be able to rebuild a new relationship with SFG, one based on the shared friendship that he and I have had over the years. But who knows how long that will take, or how many twists and turns life will take me through before that happens? In the meantime, it will be just me, myself, and I and all of my new and old friends who are now part of my present and future life.

 

So these thoughts and ideas are my bday gift to myself, and to anyone else out there who is reading this and who can learn from some of my thoughts and experiences.