Major sign of CHEATING? do i need to lighten up?

[hope123]

Hi-- me and my b/f of a year have had some problems recently. I grew resentful of his limited time--he does things like working on his car and bike and also fixes alot of things for his family. It turns out he didn't go to work on saturday b/c of the rain--so then i figured we can spend the day and night together which we rarely get to spend a full day. In a convo it came up how he wanted to go home for a couple of hours(i live like an hour away) so i got mad--pretty much asking him for what and you have clothes here--you don't even need to go there for clothes(he keeps a lot of things at his family's house but has his own place)And i also said--why would u wanna go home for a couple of hours to picke me later in the evening again?

So we wound up mad and not really talking much for the next hour. Eventually he goes to take his shower--i realize he has his phone with him in the bathroom after he was done with his shower b.c i can hear the speaker phone saying please enter ur password--i can tell work had called him. But the thing is--he had it on vibrate and always has it on ringer--so that really got me thinking--why would he intentionally put it on vibrate and bring it into the bathroom with him--my paranoid self is thinking he wanted to text someone--maybe he was supposed to meet them--and to avoid me hearing him text when on normal mode--he put it on vibrate. I don't know what to think..he never did this before so i dont know if i should be thinking--well it never happened so if he was cheating this would be something he would do a lot and just let this go. Or it could mean--this person was expecting to meet or call my b/f thinking he was at work and he needed to text them. Am i worrying too much over something that he has rarely ever done?

One friend said it seems far-fetched to go through that effort..Another friend said she had done that but not b/c she was cheating but just to avoid jealousy over nothing. The thing is he tells me he is not talking to anyone else. Two from the past rarely so i dont think its them. So now i have to worry if he is talking to someone new. Please tell me if i am reading into something too much.

[hope123]

just wanted further advice--it happened again.. we were laying down and going to be getting ready for the day--and he goes to take his shower and has his cell in his hand and said are you done in here for a little while?--i guess meaning, he will take his shower now---but he brings his cell with him in the shower, places it down by his clothes and closes the door since i didnt need to go in there--he puts the shower on---and i walk in just like a minute later pretending i needed something and he wasn't in the shower--he was standing there--he did have the soap box or something in his hand and put it near his clothes asking how i got it wet but his cell wasn't in the same position as it was originally..and since he was standing right there--when i opened the door, i felt his hand kind of holding it back and i don't know if it was b/c he was putting his cell down and didnt want me to see or b/c he didnt want to get hit with the door--i dont really know how close he was to the door but i guess it could have it hit him..i didnt open it fast..and i said are you using your phone and he shows me his phone saying "see no calls--and i said its weird--and he said he always did this--which wasnt true--only a few times..and i said fine, then keep the door open if you want your phone in there and he said ok--but can i use the bathroom first?--he was kind of angry--a minute later i knock on the door and he opens and he says jesus "can i wipe my a**"? even though looking at the toilet--there was nothing there where he had to do that if u know what i mean(sorry for the gross info)..but i wanted to give u the details.

 

Should i be worried he is texting another girl? or thats kind of paranoid seeing as though she can respond at anytime --for example when i am with him? I was with him, morning, afternoon and night time--i did tell him straigh out (which i am glad i did and did not wait a few days to say something)--i dont like it, its weird to me and i think others would agree--and he didnt see how it was weird, thought i was crazy, and he also said do you even hear my phone ringing all weekend?(meaning he didnt get any calls) I am getting mixed responses from friends-some seeing it as suspicious, others not so much--so i dont know what to do..i dont want to think that someone who says he loves me would be doing something like that. Please write back ASAP.

[yeawutever]

My guess is he probably knows you have insecurity and jealousy issues, that must be why he puts his cell phone on vibration, he doesn't really want to upset you, some people do that to not hurt the SO.

 

Has he given he other signs like not being affectionated as before, less intimacy, coming late suddenly, etc?

[KissMe_KillMe]

try not to get to jelous or suspicious..

i checked my boyfriends texts.. and there was messages from a girl that was saying nasty * * * * to him.. and i brought it up and he said you must have not read the sent items.. he wasnt do anything wrong.. i felt so bad..

so i stopped the whole jelousy nagging thing. i dont want to push him away..

if he does something stupid then i know how he feels and that i just need to move on.

[mystik]

I am getting mixed responses from friends-some seeing it as suspicious, others not so much--so i dont know what to do..i dont want to think that someone who says he loves me would be doing something like that. Please write back ASAP.

 

I don't think it's suspicious at all. This is nowhere near a major sign of cheating..nor do I even think it is any sign of cheating. I don't think you necessarily need to lighten up....but just trust him. If this is the only reason you are suspicious then I think you could only drive him away/annoy him for no good reason. If there are other signs that you didn't talk about in this post, then maybe bring it up here. If there aren't, just trust your boyfriend. There are some good guys out there - and your boyfriend could perfectly well be one of them!

[hope123]

you wouldnt think its suspicious if someone started doing that suddenly and he wasnt expecting calls, doesnt have a job calling?

 

My friend brought up a good point though--he said ok he doesnt get a lot of calls when i am with him--so whats the point of bringing the cell in there with him? it doesnt make sense, whats he gonna miss?

 

And my other friend said--what text messaging convo would he have--its not really enough time unless he did it frequently throughout our time together.

 

I don't know what to think, just hope i am not being lied to.

 

I talked with my b/f and of course he says i am being paranoid and there is no reason for him not to bring it in with him.....even though he never did it before...

[mystik]

Could he have just bought the phone with him into the shower because he accidently left it in his pants/shirt/jacket when he went to the washroom? I'm not trying to trivialize your fears, just trying to help you figure this one out. Are you sure he never puts it on vibrate? Maybe he had left it on vibrate after being at work? He just did it once right? Has this been happening habitually?

 

I think that even if you do have these thoughts, you shouldn't bring it up with him again. Let's say he is cheating. You will find out somehow or another. But, let's be hopeful here, what if he's not? You don't want to drive him away. Be suspicious/concerned if you must, but just be more cautious, observant, aware now...and see if there are other things. I wouldn't base anything huge on this single act only.

[hope123]

hi--no he doesnt forget it in his pants--if the alarm goes off from his cell in the morning--he got up and got his stuff and still had the cell in his hand..he has taken it off the charger and carries and then brings it in with him..i think this is a conscious choice as opposed to being forgetful about having it with him.

 

If i only see him a few days a week--how i would i know? i rarely see him where he gets to shower--it happened two weeks where he took off from work b/c of the rain and he did it and sunday when we spent the day together and one time in the morning when showering for work--at 6 am, i doubt he is texting or calling anyone. I also gave him a hickey accidentally--wouldnt he be more cautious of that stuff if he was cheating?

[hope123]

also--i wanted to let u know--i have seen his phone on vibrate a little more often--its always on ringer and i am guessing the vibrate mode isnt very loud..one time i tried calling him while there in a joking way--and you can hardly hear it unless you are actually paying attention for the call.

[melrich]

I think you are making some quantum leaps here. Suspicion of cheating needs to be supported by more than a phone being on vibrate and him carrying it around with him.

 

To be honest, the way you are going you are going to kill this relationship whether he is cheating or not.

[hope123]

hi--obviously he does not know i feel this concerned about it or that i post messages about it either.

 

I mentioned to him in a calm manner and he just says i am paranoid..whereas a lot are saying it sounds like he is hiding something. Why else would someone do this??

[melrich]

hi--obviously he does not know i feel this concerned about it or that i post messages about it either.

 

Umm...I'm sorry but if my partner was trying to push her way into the bathroom whilst I was on the toilet or demanding I leave the door open...well...the relationship would be just about over.

 

and i said fine, then keep the door open if you want your phone in there and he said ok--but can i use the bathroom first?--he was kind of angry--a minute later i knock on the door and he opens and he says jesus "can i wipe my a**"? even though looking at the toilet--there was nothing there where he had to do that if u know what i mean(sorry for the gross info

[yeawutever]

Agree, that's going too far with the jealousy issues, it must be offending to him that he can't even use the bathroom. You guys need to have a serious talk about it, otherwise the relation would go no where.

[hope123]

not for nothing--it seriously didnt look like he was using the bathroom.

 

What would someone else have done? Don't you think if someone was doing that--obviously they are going to lie to you about it?

[melrich]

What would someone else have done? Don't you think if someone was doing that--obviously they are going to lie to you about it?

 

On the basis of the information you have got....I'd have done nothing. It just goes into the memory and like anything else in the memory, it may or may not connect to something down the track.

 

Whether he was using the toilet or not, if it were me I'd have serious concerns about a partner who told me if I was taking the phone with me to the bathromm I'd have to leave the door open. Frankly I'd end the relationship.

[hope123]

are you saying--that if this suddenly happened to u a few times--you would not suspect a thing? and if ur s/o saw u doing this, he would just say--who cares, i completely trust her...isnt t naive to look the other way on this one?

[melrich]

are you saying--that if this suddenly happened to u a few times--you would not suspect a thing

 

If that was all that was happening...I wouldn't think twice about it. My partner always goes into another room to take her phone calls.

 

If it was happening and he was losing interest in the relationship, the sex life was declining, there were unexplained absenses, a single phone number was constantly showing up on his phone bill....then some things start to add up.

 

isnt t naive to look the other way on this one?

 

At this stage it's called trust. If all the other things are happening or 1 + 1 is not equalling 2 then it is blind trust and maybe naivety.

[Maverick32x]

from reading through these posts you obviously suspect him ALOT of cheating... and are thinking of ways to justify your actions...

an interesting question is if you have ever cheated on someone in a relationship? because that could be what is stemming these feelings of anxiety....

I think its a bit outrageous that you are mad at him for putting his cell on vibrate and/or bringing it into the bathroom... i do that ALL THE TIME!!! even though i dont get calls, i constantly have my phone on me... vibrate or ring.. w/e.. i just kinda mix it up.... you are over-reacting (if this is all the cheating info there is) and either need to talk to him about it straight up... or the relationship will probably crumble based on a lack of trust.

[caro33]

I completely agree with melrich and have just posted a reply to this same set of threads in another part of the forum.

 

The whole 'you can't take your phone into the bathroom and close the door' thing makes you look a little unhinged and completely undermines any chance you have of getting to the (perhaps banal) truth.

 

I'm not saying you should discount your internal alarms but be a little more discreet. And given the apparent the absense of any real damning evidence you can't trust him please be fair to him. Think how you would feel if he did this to you and you had nothing to hide...

[hope123]

and recently--that is all i have to go on--i dont see him a lot so i am not going to come up with more than stuff like this--the few things that have happened..are not calling me back right away--or calling him at night to say goodnight and there is no answer..its hard to tell sometimes if its something i should worry about or just say-he is sleeping right now.

 

I dont have access to his e-mails so i dont know about that..As far as i know, no..but who knows with that

And the cell phone has a delete buttong so going through that wont help unless he just screws up and forgets or he happens to get a text right when i am by his phone or something.

 

Do you think there are girls who listen to that stuff when a guy says--i am with my g/f dont call? is it possible that is why i never saw anything?

[caro33]

see "Cheating? Over thinking things?" in Trust and Relationships...

[hope123]

i got upset with my b/f on the phone and basically said i feel really insecure in this relationsip. I said i have not been with someone longer than a year so i do not know if this is how i would be with anyone else or it is you and my feeling is correct you are hiding something.

 

He said if i dont trust him and this is that much of a problem i need to do what i need to do. He said he isn't going to reassure me b/c its not going to help--i won't believe it and that he isnt going to defend himself.

 

He said--you dont like that i took the phone with me to the bathroom, i wont do it again.

 

He said he dealt with this years ago with his serious ex and she thought he was messing around and thats why she wanted to get married. He said he never understood why she wanted to marry him if she thought he was cheating on her--and they basically broke up over her threatening him..This really does not have much to do with me b/c i am not threatening him but i just thought i would share that info with you.

[Hope75]

It has always been my feeling that if there is no trust, there is no relationship. First of all it's totally exhausting and completely drains the fun out of a relationship if I feel I constantly have to monitor my bf and chase him around with my antenna up. Second, who wants to feel like they are being parented by someone who doesn't trust them? Talk about killing the romance in a relationship.

 

You have to decide if this problem has more to do with you, than with your bf. Frankly I don't think it's that big a deal that he took his phone into the bathroom with him. I take my calls privately and so does my bf- we trust each other and have nothing to hide....we just like to have our phone converstations without disrupting what the other is doing-- who likes to talk on the phone in front of others, anyway? It's rude.

 

BUT.... as Melrich said, if there are other red flags that are making you feel this way. than maybe you need to examine if he's really the cause of your mistrust, and if he is, what you are going to do about it.

 

I'd hate to see you ruin a perfectly good relationship with your mistrust if your bf really isn't doing anything wrong.

[hope123]

Hi guys--

 

Here is the latest on this situation--my b/f stopped taking it in with him so i had nothing more to post on the topic--he said he would not do it if i didn't like it so he hasn't.

Last night--he picks me up and was talking to a friend on the phone(i know who it was)--when done he places the phone in the coffee holder where there was no coffee. When we arrive at his place, i am getting out--he remembers to take his cell and there is stuff in the back seat--when getting out i notice him looking at the phone(its a flip one), open it up, and then close it--i dont know if that meant he got a text-otherwise why would someone do that--the phone was right there in the car--i did not hear any beeps or alerts unless he keeps those on silent while keeping the regular ringer on.

Usually when we get in--he takes everything out--wallet, keys, other money, cell and places it on the window sill. This time he didn't(granted he did have stuff in his hands though--food to eat and clothes)He was able to place the keys down. He puts the ac on in the room, sits down, begins to take off his shoes and still didn't take his cell out or wallet i am pretty sure of--he goes to use the bathroom and of course the cell is in his pants pocket. He comes out and then he places his phone on the charger in the bedroom and then i think puts his wallet and money on the table--

 

Should i be suspicious of this activity that he was texting someone? I can easily walk to the bedroom and look at his phone to see if he got a text so i imagine that unless he says to this girl--dont text me i am with my g/f(which seems unreal to me)the person would be texting him. He fell asleep on the couch for awhile so i was able to just walk by it and see there were no calls or messages. Am i being too suspicious again?Should i worry only if it keeps happening? Or he just didn't take it out yet and used the bathroom and its all innocent. Of course i did not mention this to him although he noticed my mood change and just kept asking, whats wrong?

Its so hard for me to decide--we did sleep with one another too and during it, he said i love you--would someone really say those words during that act and in the meanwhile texted someone earlier?

[arwen]

Girl, you are really turning this into an obsession. This can really become a selffulfilling prophecy. Can't you focus on the things you like about him? Surely how he treats his phone is NOT the most interesting part of him. By being so suspicious all the time, you can really push someone away and seeing that he already went through this with his ex, I think he's quite sensitive to your suspicion.

 

As for the phone, I also have a flip phone and I flip it open for all kinds of reasons, yes someone (potentially other than my bf, like a friend) will occasionally text me, or I have no watch and want to know the time, or see how much battery I have left. What is the big deal?

 

You also mention when he was talking on the phone you knew who it was, but what if it's not? Does that directly mean there is another woman? You can't control HIS behaviour, but I think you need to control your own suspicion of what he does or does not do. If it's TRULY a gut feeling, then it's simple. The trust is not there, then there is no use for having a relationship. If you feel you have REASON not to trust him, then don't be with him.

 

Did you feel the same with your exes?

 

Ilse