Was i raped 9months ago?

[KellyWyndham]

Hey

I've been thinking alot about something that happened in October and would appreciate feedback as to what went on. What do you think?

 

I met a guy whilst clubbing with friends

We'd been kissing alot and he'd paid for my drinks

We went back to his and got to the bedroom

He took down my pants but I stopped him, saying I didn't want to hav sex

He was fine with that, saying he didn't care

We did other stuff and things got really heated

So I undressed and said I was ok with going all the way, and he asked if I was sure. I said yes.

We started having sex but I didn't feel right about it, I realised I wasn't comfortable with what we were doing.

So I said 'Can we stop please, I want to stop, I don't want to do this, I don't feel right.'

He doesn't stop and says 'Ok, just let me finish.'

And he keeps going and I start crying. I am unbelievably uncomfortable and upset. It shows but he doesn't look at me, he just keeps having sex with me whilst I'm lying there still.

After the sex I move on to the floor to sleep so I don't have to be near him, I feel disgusting and very regretful. I leave early the next morning.

 

Was it rape? Or not. Although I asked him to stop, I didn't physically resist and I had said it was OK to start with. I'd really appreciate to know what you think, it's been plaguing me and I've had flashbacks. Thanks

[PRSOV]

We started having sex but I didn't feel right about it, I realised I wasn't comfortable with what we were doing.

So I said 'Can we stop please, I want to stop, I don't want to do this, I don't feel right.'

He doesn't stop and says 'Ok, just let me finish this.'

And he keeps going and I start crying. Was it rape?

 

Yes, that is sexual assault.

 

It doesn't matter whether you physically stopped him, if you ask him to verbally then he should stop immediately.

[SapphireStar]

If you said "stop" or anything of the sort before or duing sex, and he didn't stop right then, then yes, it's rape. It doesn't matter if you said it was okay before. If you said no after, while you were having sex and he didn't stop, it's rape. But remember, it's NOT your fault. That guy was obviously an idiot and a pig and needs to be taught a lesson.

 

If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me, okay? And remember, this was NOT your fault.

[Bethany]

I disagree. He could have gone on all night with you, having sex several times if you were enjoying it but he didn't, he ended it quickly. I am absolutely positive that this guy didn't force you to do anything and certainly doesn't think in his mind that he raped you.

 

I'd call it live and learn.

[itsallgrand]

What he did was wrong. He should have stopped. No question about that. I do not want to give a label to it, bc there is so little info here.

 

I only know it was completely wrong on his part, and I completely understand why this is haunting you.

 

Have you spoken to anyone about this?

[PRSOV]

I disagree. He could have gone on all night with you, having sex several times if you were enjoying it but he didn't, he ended it quickly. I am absolutely positive that this guy didn't force you to do anything and certainly doesn't think in his mind that he raped you.

 

I'd call it live and learn.

 

But she didn't want that... she verbally asked him to stop intercourse!

 

He proceeded, I don't care if he wants to just "finish off" or go for the rest of the night... what he did was criminal.

[avman]

In the strict legal definition - yes it was probably rape. Technically consent can be withdrawn at any time and the partner is supposed to stop immediately. He should have stopped.

 

Would a jury convict him? I doubt it. He asked you if you were sure you were ok having sex. You said yes. I get the fact that you didn't feel right about it later, and he should have stopped immediately. But in the throes of passion to have consent suddenly withdrawn it gets messy. I'd also be pretty confused with a no-yes-no-yes situation.

 

Stay away from the guy. It sounds like he used you and to be honest you might have used him a bit as well. You both had just met, so perhaps you should take more time to get to know your partner before having sex right away.

[Hope75]

Avman is right, at any time consent may be withdrawn and he should have stopped immediately. You made it clear that you wanted to stop and you were visibly upset and crying- he should have stopped. This makes it legally, rape.

 

However, I agree with Avman that you would have great dfficulty convincing a jury to convict him because you were both drinking, you did in fact, consent at one point, while you began having sex. The whole "no, yes, no" thing really makes it a sticky situation.

 

That does not mean that you shouldn't seek counseling to help you get through this and try to heal from it, especially since it is still bothering you. I find nottoogreen's comment to "get over it" a bit harsh. This type of event can be emotionally scarring and if it's bothering you, it should be addressed.

 

I seem to remember you posting a while back about a guy with whom you were with who was abusive to you. Is this the same guy?

[annie24]

I agree with avman.

 

"can we stop now?"

 

you need to be more clear. as in, "STOP!" and push him off you, use force, punching, kicking, screaming if necessary.

 

I have to agree, it is pretty murky, as you consented, but then wanted him to stop. I also think a jury would just think that it was something you regretted, not something he forced on you.

 

In the future, you really have to be more clear about your intentions with the men with whom you interact. you are still young, trust me, I've been in similar spots as you.

 

you've just got to tell guys right off the bat, "I'll make out with you, but nothing beyond that." Let them know you are serious.

 

and I agree, seek counseling.

[DN]

I agree with Hope that you should seek counselling over this issue. You obviously feel badly and you need to get things straightened out - mostly so that you can avoid a similar situation in the future.

[MISSING LINK]

Considering the stickiness of the situation I am not sure if this was "rape". It is a BAD judgement call on your part.

 

What I gather from the poster is that she is feeling "dirty" and not so sure

if she was right or wrong in the situation. I think going from a "no" "yes" "no"

with this guy, and then giving in anyway..makes you feel powerless. You said you just "layed there' and let him finish. Clearly, not the actions of someone who felt what was being done was "wrong".

 

I will assume the drinking involved most likely inhibited your judgements more than anything.

I think Avman is right and that a jury probably would NOT convict him due to

lack of "evidence".

 

Seek some counseling. It may help you be more discriminating in the future.

[perfectliljewel]

if you say no and they dont stop then it is sexual assult. stay away from him and be more careful next time.

[nottoogreen]

From a legal perspective, I do not think that he would be charged with any felony and as avman said few juries would convict him. On a jury, I would not vote for any felony.

 

For the following reasons

• When you asked him to stop pulling down your pants, he complied, he is not the disrespectful or violent type.
  
• You changed your mind from No to Yes to No.
  
• You made out with him with in a very short time.
  
• Twenty years ago, I likely would not have stopped either, today I might but it depends on when and how you ask.
  
• If you would be about to orgasm and he would ask you to stop, you might not stop either.
  
• Alcohol possibly was involved.
  

Just being a guy, I have experienced much worse during sex at the hand of women and my advice to you is to file it under bad experience, no more no less.

 

Please understand yourself better, here is your problem: Why you changed your mind from No to Yes to No.

 

From No to Yes - Did you want to keep the guy?

 

From Yes to No - Did you get scared because of past abuse?

 

It would be good you seek counseling also about your past abusive relationships and next time to not make out with a guy too quickly.

 

We always will be here for you.

[KellyWyndham]

Thanks for all the comments. I told 3 friends about what happened. They were shocked but that's as far as it went.

No this guy wasn't a previous boyfriend, he was just a one night stand that went wrong. I wasn't even attracted to him but at some point I saw it as abit of harmless fun.

I went from No to Yes because I was wrapped up in the heat of the moment and had a kind of 'I may as well' attitude to it.

I went from Yes to No because I realised as we were in the act that I shouldn't be this intimate with someone I didn't even like, and the whole thing just felt really wrong, dirty and sordid.

After that happened, he tried to have sex again several times but I pushed him off.

I'm not planning on going to a jury or anything like that, I just wanted other opinions. I've moved on I think but I am in some ways plagued by what happened that night, I can't shake feelings of regret and I still feel so stupid and dirty when I think back to it. The flashbacks have become less frequent but when it does come back to me I feel repulsed and ill and I block it out.

I understand I was being difficult by withdrawing consent and that in some people's eyes it may not be considered rape, but the effect it had on me when he kept going was horrific. I was having sex against my will and I felt completely disgusted and distressed. I think maybe his actions weren't massive but they had a massive impact on me at the time.

[JJRadical]

I think he did go too far and the fact that he said, "Ok , just let me finish" is an acknowledgement that he understood a NO was being thrown at him.

 

Legally you may not have a leg to stand on but bare with me kid as i am a proponent of making your own justice in an unjust world and you'll see how unjust the world truly is toward women as you get older...

 

...to destroy him all you have to do is file charges...thats it...the accusation alone is enough to make his libido drop to zero for months if not more and make him public enemy #1...once the accusation is out there he feels pressure...simply getting a visit from the police will cause him tremendous anxiety and trust me he knows that a NO was thrown at him...lying to police under duress isn't as easy as you think...they know how to throw a few curveballs while questioning...and if there were OTHERS who he crossed the line with(which i bet there are since he seems like a player) he's going to be thinking " what if they come forward." If he is older than you'll it won't be hard to portray him as a predator...

 

...time in prison he may not get...but the world will become his prison when he gets that first visit from the police...

 

Yes go to counseling. Yes protect yourself in the future by putting up some time in between after meeting someone...but sometimes to heal the wounds justice must be done whether the law is on your side or not...live and learn?...to heck with that...your never to young to stand up for yourself and you must use the means at your disposal and the power you can wield in this situation is far greater than what the previous posters have lead you to believe...good luck...oh and there is no statue of limitations on felonies so the police have to investigate even though it was 9mos ago...

[nottoogreen]

It is good for you to talk about your feelings, I think what you did was not dirty, and it certainly was not wise.

 

Please do not block it out, just let it go as an experience which you do not want to repeat.

 

The heat of the moment goes both ways. Sometimes it hurts. I just made a thread on my worst experiences: Guys, what are your worst experience(s) during sex?:

 

If you want to see how a rape victim feels, here are some recent threads of Gracelove. Beware, a disturbing read.

 

 

 

 

 

Find peace and strength from within yourself.

[avman]

oh and there is no statue of limitations on felonies

 

That is wrong. There is indeed a statute of limitations on felonies. The only crime without a limit is murder.

 

Not to mention that not all sexual assaults are classified as felonies.

[yeawutever]

Yes from that moment you told him you wanted him to stop (you say the word "stop") and he kept going on, doesn't matter if he wanted to finish the last deed, he should have not proceed, thus it was rape.

 

You should report him for that, it was very serious what he did and also do seek a counselor.

[DN]

It is also not correct to say that reporting him to the police will do any good. They may investigate it but they may decide not to based on what you have posted here. An investigation and prosecution may only proceed if there is a reasonable chance of gaining a conviction and the nine month gap between the incident and the report would mitigate against a prosecution as well as a conviction.

 

But I get the impression that it is not revenge or justice the the OP needs - rather she needs to be clear in her own mind what happened so that she can deal with it and move on.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Yes as you told him to stop during then it was rape, he should have stoppet.

I think most here know that.

[Bethany]

But from his side, she was up for it, and as far as he knew she was enoying it seeing as she had stripped off and was actually doing the act.

 

To me rape is grappling with someone and saying no from the start, whether it be date rape or a total stranger, them not listening and disregarding you and your voice that you don't want to do it would be rape.. I guess I would be the one on the jury who wouldn't convict and send a man to jail under those circumstances.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Bethany thats why we have rape in marrage here in the UK as a crime, the old argument used to be she marred the guy so shes always up for it.

 

No means NO!

 

The problem here was that they where having sex act, if rape is definded and and unscationed act of sex then her no came to late, but he sould have stopped so if rape is defind as the act of ejaulation for the male then its rape.

 

It will be very hard in court to prove when no was said as they where the only two there.

 

This is full of problems but I feel it was rape as he was told to stop and did not

[yeawutever]

But from his side, she was up for it, and as far as he knew she was enoying it seeing as she had stripped off and was actually doing the act.

 

To me rape is grappling with someone and saying no from the start, whether it be date rape or a total stranger, them not listening and disregarding you and your voice that you don't want to do it would be rape.. I guess I would be the one on the jury who wouldn't convict and send a man to jail under those circumstances.

 

He did disgard her voice that moment she stop him to stop, she wans't consenting at that moment she say "Stop", yet he kept going on.

[SarahRose]

I'm more inclined to go with the poor judgement rather than rape.

 

Maybe because you are 17, you are a little naive about how things work?

 

There are ways to not put yourself into situations like you did.

 

If you are out at a club drinking and dancing and men are talking to you, they want in your pants.

 

What was the purpose of going to a stranger's apartment especially if you didn't even like him?

 

If you are in a club dancing and drinking and a man asks you to go to his apartment, he isn't asking you to come over and read the bible and watch tv. He wants to have sex with you.

 

Not trying to be offensive but just trying to offer some helpful hints.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Kelly -

 

I understand what everybody is saying about it being confusing for him to hear no and then yes or whatever and you made a bad choice, blah blah blah....

 

Regardless of WHY it happened, it did and I really think you should address the issues about your feelings of feeling dirty. I think you feel that way because you were violated and taken advantage of.

 

This is NOT a normal feeling after a sexual encounter. A little bit of guilt after a one night stand is normal, but regret, feeling dirty and sordid is not.

 

Everyone here as well as yourself knows that what he did was wrong. If you choose to not press charges that is up to you but you need to find closure for the feelings you have that come from being violated.

 

You didn't more "actively" or "physically" push him off of you because you felt guilty about potentially misleading him. That's normal too but he took advantage of your guilt with his "oh, ok, just let me finish" comment.

 

Your feelings are normal. Seek help or continue to explore them until you feel at peace or a sense of closure.

 

Good luck hon -

 

-T