Members Sound Off - Should females have equal representation in proposing marriage?

[Tesseract_Witch]

I thought this was a really cool topic, too - and DN is the one who suggested it!

 

 

Awesome! You guys alone are amazing--what if you were to think up a topic together? It'd be monumental.

[PRSOV]

I really don't like the idea of the female to propose, but then again I am really old fashioned...

 

I think if my girlfriend proposed to me, then afterwards I would have regrets about it and wish that I had rejected her only to carry it out myself. Proposing is the man's job not the womans, just like it's a woman's job to ...

 

PR

[Dako]

Some girls are confident enough to do whatever they want.

[DN]

Those people who like to be 'old school' or 'traditional' and who believe some things will never change, may like to think about how marriage traditions have changed over the years in Western societies. For instance;

 

Five hundred years ago almost all marriages were arranged by the two families and the happy couple often barely knew each other if they lived in large communities. If you were an indentured servant, an apprentice, or in military service you required your employer's permission to marry.

 

Two hundred years ago a woman could not get married without her father's permission. She would never be alone with a man until she was married. Any property she had became her husband's after marriage and there were elaborate dowry and financial agreements necessary before a wedding took place.

 

A hundred years ago, there was little concern about who paid for a date because couples rarely went out together alone on a date - they got together at tightly supervised group social events. More often than not a couple out on a 'date' would be chaperoned.

 

A girl who got pregnant before marriage was considered to have disgraced the family - a wedding was hastily arranged, often in a different town and excuses made. If there was no wedding she would be shipped off to have the baby which was then adopted out. If she kept the baby she was more often than not shunned by the family and slipped into poverty.

 

Fifty years ago, a man would still ask his girlfriend's father for permission to marry her, the wedding was paid for entirely by the bride's family and the bride had somewhat limited input into the wedding arrangements as the reception was a party thrown by her parent's to celebrate their daughter's wedding and they were the hosts. The groom and his family had little or no say in the wedding arrangements.

 

Up until fairly recently, living together without benefit of marriage was considered to be 'living in sin' and it was shocking to most people, at least to some degree. The children of such a couple were considered 'illegitimate'.

 

In general terms: over the last two hundred years women have become persons in their own right rather than the possession of their father or husband, they have the right to vote, own property, be educated, have careers and have legal equality with men. People two hundred years ago would have considered all of those achievements as impossible and impractical dreams and would have laughed at the idea of them being implemented.

 

As each of these practices, laws, rules and social conventions slowly changed many people (both men and women) decried them and said that they preferred to be 'old school' or 'traditional' and asserted that some things will never change.

 

Some people are very surprised to find that when you look back over a longer period of time than a generation or two social norms and practices change much more than they would ever believe.

[itsallgrand]

Of course women can and should feel free to propose. Why not?

 

I would propose, but he is not getting anything dramatic. 'Cause I don't like that, and hopefully he'll be on the same wavelength. I would not like a formal proposal myself either. I guess I would go all out if it really, really,really meant a lot to him. lol.

 

I truly do not care one way or another; except I'd prefer that the proposal be as regular as apple pie. Ideally, it is 'just something we are doing', a mutual decision came about through discussion and because we've been 'partners in crime' long enough that it makes sense for us.

 

This happened for me once, and I would like to repeat it. This time hopefully it can be followed through with an actual life time for me, o course!

 

I do need him to buy me a ring or other piece of jewelry. A nice gem (color chunk of rock). A necklace would be nice, alternatively. Because jewelry between people makes a nice thing to hand to a daughter or other significant child.

Don't care what it costs, so long as he puts some effort for me.

I will buy him a ring too if he wants - or whatever he prefers and would give him the message.

 

I'm not a fan of a lot of the bustle that comes with getting married.

We could exchange some fluids, throw all our cash into a big old vacation, and skip the 'I dos' for all I care.

[novaseeker]

Isn't this more or less in the same category as whether men should be the ones doing the asking out/pursuing?

[RayKay]

This is basically what I said in an earlier discussion with the Royals and Mods about this topic.

 

I am a hypocrite I suppose when it comes to this topic. Of COURSE women should they should have "equal opportunity" and I DO know women whom have done the proposing.

 

But even so, I still PERSONALLY want my man to do the asking. I am not sure there is a conscious reason for ME why this is so, it is just my preference.

 

I think a lot of it is we are "taught" as we grow up that when a man proposes, he really means it and really wants to be with you. And wh en we ask, they may just feel pressure, and are less likely to REALLY want to be with you. I guess for me, the times I have seen the woman propose, it was because the guy was stalling or really not sure he WANTED to get married. For me, psychologically, I see it as when the guy does he genuinely wants to whereas when the woman does it's often as she is in a rush, he is dragging his feet, or something like that.

 

Now of course, in either case you will find reverse cases to be true too, but that's just how I remember perceiving proposals.

 

A lot I am sure just want the romance aspect too and have envisioned it since they played with Barbies. (Not me, I crashed Tonka trucks in the sandbox!).

[monkey1]

Yeah, I'm one of the women who thinks we should be able to propose to a man, but I want to be proposed to

 

I'm waiting though to hear from a woman who actually proposed to her boyfriend and what the reaction/situation was!

[rms8]

I think a woman proposing is great but agree that I would prefer the man do it in my relationship.

 

I was also wondering if people have heard a lot of stories where the woman actually made a to-do about it and got down one on knee and everything. The only times I've heard of a woman "proposing" was when it was a "so we should probably get married now" kinda thing.

[hosswhispra]

It's a great notion in theory. Sure, why shouldn't the woman have equal representation in anything in society?

 

But will this line of thinking and resulting action ever become mainstream? No freaking way...

 

I am so totally with friscodj.

 

I would like to add:

 

Sure some men in theory say they would like it if a woman proposed marriage to them. But what would happen, if in actuality, their girlfriend got down on bended knee one starry evening and asked, "Will you marry me?" It would be kind of an "emasculating" thing to have happen, don't you think?

 

Also I really want the man to propose to me!

 

Look to nature for the answer on this one.

[annie24]

Yeah, I'm one of the women who thinks we should be able to propose to a man, but I want to be proposed to

 

I'm waiting though to hear from a woman who actually proposed to her boyfriend and what the reaction/situation was!

 

miranda on sex and the city proposed to steve!

 

ok, that doesn't count, that's TV.

 

And RayKay is right - us women do have it drummed up in our heads that if the man does the asking, he really wants it, whereas if we ask, we are pressuring:

 

I just remember one episode of "Jenny Jones" a few years back. A girl and her boyfriend were together for 6 years, and she was upset that he hadn't proposed to her yet. As the interview went on, it was quite clear that he wasn't all that into her, he was keeping an eye out for other women, and she had "redone" herself early on to try to impress him. ie, he told her once that he always wanted to date a real estate agent, so she switched careers and became a real estate agent! she got plastic surgery, grew out her hair, lost a lot of weight, but he still hadn't proposed. And pretty much during the private interviews, he said he had no intention of ever marrying her.

 

And then during the stage potion of the show, she looked at him and said, "if you don't propose to me within 2 weeks, I'm going to propose to you." The audience groaned - it was quite clear what his answer was going to be.

 

](*,)

[Scout]

Thanks for pointing all this out. When you read the last paragraph, especially, you can see how it applies to so many situations.

[Scout]

Isn't this more or less in the same category as whether men should be the ones doing the asking out/pursuing?

 

Personally, I'm hoping it doesn't go in that direction, lol. We have so many threads about that topic, and this is really taking the next - big - leap. Because it's actually socially accepted in our society for women to ask men out. Proposing marriage, though? That's a whole other ballgame.

[Balbina]

Some girls are confident enough to do whatever they want.

 

Lol, I agree.

 

I think it really depends on the situation, but if a woman in a relationship is confident of an affirmative answer and is even expecting a proposal herself, why not jump the gun? If I were head over heels, I would seriously consider it.

 

You don't necessarily need a ring...but why not?

 

However, I do have that romantic notion in my mind of my SO getting down on one knee at some completely random romantic moment and asking me to be his, forever. *sigh*

[Alabama]

I definitely think they should. It would seem weird I am sure to people at first, but for example, girls ask guys out on dates, so why not ask them to marry?

[Scout]

I think a lot of it is we are "taught" as we grow up that when a man proposes, he really means it and really wants to be with you. And wh en we ask, they may just feel pressure, and are less likely to REALLY want to be with you. I guess for me, the times I have seen the woman propose, it was because the guy was stalling or really not sure he WANTED to get married. For me, psychologically, I see it as when the guy does he genuinely wants to whereas when the woman does it's often as she is in a rush, he is dragging his feet, or something like that.

 

Exactly. Because one thing that doesn't seem to be changing much...marriage for a woman is still often regarded as a "victory," or a "coup." For men? Not so much. I mean, how many men do you know have a hope chest, lol.

 

My boyfriend told me the other night that every man he knows says, "Don't get married!" I was actually stunned to hear that. He could have been exaggerating, though.

[Scout]

I think a woman proposing is great but agree that I would prefer the man do it in my relationship.

 

I was also wondering if people have heard a lot of stories where the woman actually made a to-do about it and got down one on knee and everything. The only times I've heard of a woman "proposing" was when it was a "so we should probably get married now" kinda thing.

 

Pink proposed to her boyfriend! Apparently, he's a bike racer, and she held up a sign on one of his laps asking him if he would marry her. And he accepted and they did!

[RayKay]

Pink proposed to her boyfriend! Apparently, he's a bike racer, and she held up a sign on one of his laps asking him if he would marry her. And he accepted and they did!

 

Ha! Best sign I ever saw for a bike race was "There is a blowjob waiting for you at the end!".

 

 

 

Annie, I remember that Jenny Jones show too...how sad is that!

 

But seriously, we DO hear stuff like how guys tell their "buddies" to "not do it!" when it comes to marriage. We often have spent years hearing the sound of "whips cracking" if it is even suggested that we may have some say in a relationship. We are constantly told by the media that if we add pressure, men will run. We are "told" that men run from commitment, marriage. And many of us probably I am sure have been with the guy whom talked down on marriage, showed his disdain for it and we knew was not going to commit to us in the long run.

 

Now of course, this is NOT true of every man, and there are MANY willing to commit and get married despite all the crap they hear from media and friends....but still, it is stereotypes and B.S. like that that DOES influence women into NOT doing the asking. I honestly have never had a "hope chest", I am pretty independent and my idea of a great wedding is one that is cost effective and fun...and low stress! For me it IS about the marriage, not the wedding. BUT....I do want my man to do the asking. Because the last thing I want to hear is the sound of "whips cracking" the air when people find out I asked!

[BellaDonna]

Of course this veiw is due to the fact my Mom payed for most of my parents wedding and their rings, they saved the money for the engagement ring for their first house.

 

CB, my grandparents did the same exact thing. My grandmother told me that when I was a little girl, about 3-4 or so- I used to look at her left hand and ask "Grandma, where's your shiney stone"?

 

apparently culture ingrains it in us at a very young age that women who are engaged/married should have a diamond engagement ring.

 

I now think differently from when I was age 3 (well at least sometimes ) and I think women could and should propose marriage. It all depends on what feels right for the couple.

 

In my case, my husband proposed to me- it was something that he wanted to do, and as others have mentioned he definitely would have felt uncomfortable if it was reversed. He still has a little traditionalism left in him. He got me a lovely ring- I personally thought it was too extravagant and that he spent way too much on it- but he was offended that I even suggested that, so I didn't mention it again out of respect for his choice. At the time we were already living together and were a couple for over 7 years- I would have been happy with no ring, or me asking him and getting him a ring, and with eloping too.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

My friends gave me The Speech before I married, and I thanked them and returned the favor when they went crazy. Not a bad thing to make sure your friend has thought it through.

 

My aversion isn't from peer pressure.

[DN]

Many men these days are not scared of marriage - they are scared of divorce.

[perfectliljewel]

i dont know why but i have always been the type that thinks the guy asks the girl. then again i am also probably the only teenager whos pet peeve is guys wearing hats indoors.

im not a huge god freak but that is how god made it and i believe that it should stay that way.

[Dako]

Many men these days are not scared of marriage - they are scared of divorce.

 

That's it in a Faberge nutshell, DN!!!

[CarnelianButterfly]

Thought this tid bit might interest every one.

 

link removed

Scroll down to the marriage proposal section.

I found this out when I went to Ireland a few years ago.

[BellaDonna]

Very interesting link, CB.

 

According to a link removed law in link removed, fines were levied if the proposal was refused by the man; compensation ranged from a kiss to a silk gown to soften the blow. Because men felt that put them at too great a risk, the tradition was in some places tightened to restricting female proposals to link removed

 

LOL

 

BellaDonna