It feels like I'm going Insane

[Gecko]

I just lost all of my text to a login error so I'll try to recap it as best I can.. ](*,)

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

I don't really know how to start this, so I'll just express the thing that I want most right now... deep, spiritual, sexually satisfying Love (EDIT: not quite as urgent as when I posted this)

 

I made a post last year about how hopeless my life seemed and a year later it doesn't seem like it's getting any better... I've been seeing a psychologist for the past 5(?) months and though he's useful as a vent, we haven't gotten very far in improving my life or increasing my happiness. If anything, things have gotten more turbulent.

 

I only have one true friend, and I can't really talk to him much anymore about anything personal without feeling uncomfortable.. it feels like we're drifting further and further away from each other.

 

My psychologist seems to think that my only problem is depression, partially due to my physical disorder (muscular dystrophy), and though I do think I might be depressed, I don't believe that's the only reason for my restlessness.

 

When I look around at society today, everything's so materialistic.. and seems like it always has been. It all seems so unimportant to me, and I'm always fantasizing about romanticist world in which emotions and spirituality take place over material entities.

 

What irks me the most is the heartlessness people seem to share towards criminals... many of them have suffered the most and I don't think it's right the way the media strives to make them look like rotten, evil beings.. while I do believe a few of those exist most of what I see on TV is just pure sensationalism.. almost seems like they're saying "REVENGE! yeAH!! LOCK hIM UP!" Rarely do people try to understand people and their past before they judge them... In this society, love seems more of an offense than murder

 

This summer I have attained a great urge to revolutionize my life in some way, whether it be some accomplishment, changing my surroundings, forever altering the way I think, or all of the above.

 

I can never seem to connect much with people; the only way they seem to identify themselves is through material aspects. And the fact that I'm horrid at expressing ideas orally doesn't help, and I can be pretty vague and disorganized through text as well (though I've had more practice)

 

I recently gave up most video games, considering they consumed most of my sophomore year last year. I don't know if this was a good thing or not, I seemed to communicate and develop friendships better in popular online games better than anywhere else.

 

All of this stuff going through my mind is overloading my mind and I think making me partially insane.. I have short periods (in private) where I just laugh hysterically when inside I feel this awful, awful pain. I can never get my thoughts, priorities, or daily activities straight. (usually I don't do them at all)

 

Yesterday I began a collection of movies, quotes, music, and books that have touched me in some way, along with a journal where I write down any significant thought that comes to my head.. maybe I'll post some of it later

 

All of this has led up to a more recent situation...

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

In my High School you stay with each teacher for two years in a row.

 

One of my teachers, a history teacher, has been growing on me for the last few years.

 

Young, honest, wise, strong, confident, beautiful are the best words I can use to describe her.

 

She's been through so much.. she grew up in the city and experienced such things as friends getting murdered, getting in serious trouble with the police, and experiences with gangs and such.. she witnessed 9/11. I never really had any conversations with her, these are just tidbits that I've picked up over the past two years. I can tell she hates to talk about her past.

 

Though through all these hardships, she grew into a strong woman, and somehow found her peace married to a farmer

 

She's held a large number of jobs around the country, met famous people like Tony Hawk among others.

 

Not until the past few weeks have I realized just how much I love her; I think about her almost constantly, just wishing I could be a (important) part of her life in some way... I'd love to know her better, be her friend, have fun with her, seek guidance...

 

All of this led up to yesterday when I couldn't stand it any longer. Being too afraid to call her by phone, I went online and printed a map to her place on mapquest, 13 miles away... I'm still kicking myself for not remembering to delete my internet history..

Since I don't know how to drive yet (don't know if I ever will due to physical limitations), and can't ride a bike up hills, I decided to walk... I lost my cellphone recently so if I fell (I can't get to standing from the ground) I would've been screwed.. but at this point that stuff doesn't really matter anymore.

I got about 9 miles (a real accomplishment for me nonetheless) before I noticed it was getting pretty late, my parents were going to be home soon.. and I was exhausted. So I turned back but traveled at a snail's pace and eventually my mom found me on the side of the road.

When I got home, my dad brought up the exact name of the place I was traveling to.. he asked me if I was meeting someone.. I said no.

 

Of course he can tell that this wasn't just a walk in the park and now my parents are pretty suspicious of me.. I think it's just a matter of time before they find out that I was going (or went) to a teacher's home.

 

It seems like people can never get friendly these days without some suspicion of scandal or abuse.. of course I have had plenty of sexual fantasies, but more than anything else I just want to connect with her... maybe through her advice and care I could attract a girlfriend my own age

 

Is she or I in danger here? Have I done something that could get people into trouble?

 

I went to my psychologist today and he doesn't seem to think so but discouraged me from seeing her face to face, he said that emailing her sharing my thoughts and struggles might be a better option... I know her school email address but have no idea if she checks it during the summer.

 

Should I send something to her? If so, how would I begin? How would I express all these emotions to her without scaring her?

 

All of this reminds me of the song "Iris"

 

I'm so lonely.......

[robowarrior]

The meaning of life is to love and help other people. Nothing in the universe can make you happy exept love and it acts like a mirror. If you put love and light in it, love and happyness will be casted back on you.

 

This will require an investment from your side. (However you are reckless.)

 

This is because your love for her has made you blind. You seek forfillment in your life, and want her to fill it. I seriously doubt that she can give you what you want, there's a lot of things WRONG with you.

 

You don't have a life.

 

This is why you seek to find life with others. Your lonely, this is also another motivation why you ran off irrisponsible like that. If you would fall, i mean you could even have died and left your parents in agony, worrying where you have been only to get the police officers at their door at a later time in the evening.

 

Promise me you won't go off like this again! Seriously let someone else drive you, and always bring a cell phone. This saves a lot of people worrying who love you to bits.

 

You need to start to show you can live a life independently from others. Start to love,believe and supporting yourself. Next , love and help others that way you will socialize with other people and happyness and love will be casted back into your life.

 

Really don't make any more dangerous decisions that are life threatening to your health. You are already making me worried sick about you , let alone your parents =\

 

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO INTERFERE WITH ANOTHER PERSONS RELATIONSHIP!

 

Even if you are desperatly lonely, you aren't allowed to drive a wig thru her and her husbands relationship. ALWAYS put yourself in another persons shoes so you can perceive how they might feel. Imagine you found out your wife was having sex with a unknown guy, wouldn't you totally flip the fawk out?

 

So don't do upon others what you don't like happening to yourself. Get yourself a life of your own and a girl who is free and available to keep you company. You can't have this woman man, its wrong, for you, for your parents for your health, for your life, for your future and for your dignity. Imagine looking back on your past seeing yourself flinging around with a married woman. I can assure you its not a pretty picture. Don't go there man its wrong, and you know it. Get a life of your own, and a girl of your own, love and help other people and your on the right track for bringing happyness back into your life.

[Gecko]

Thank you for the response robo...

 

there's a lot of things here that I'd like to discuss

in fuller detail and to a further extent later but first the most immediate/apparent ones..

 

You don't have a life.

 

As much as it hurts I can't deny that.. it's not really a new discovery either.

 

Your love for her has made you blind. You seek forfillment in your life, and want her to fill it. I seriously doubt that she can give you what you want.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO INTERFERE WITH ANOTHER PERSONS RELATIONSHIP!

 

Even if you are desperatly lonely, you aren't allowed to drive a wig thru her and her husbands relationship. ALWAYS put yourself in another persons shoes so you can perceive how they might feel.

 

I'm starting to see things a little clearer now (when my depression gets really bad I can't think straight for the life of me), and I agree with this, she's not appropriate in this society to 'be flinging around with'.

 

But I beg that I'm not misunderstood.. I do always make sure to put myself in other people's shoes; I've learned to through my suffering. It would be selfish of me to try and take her away from her husband.. with his mindset, which I assume is a typical one, I would be heartbroken if I learned that my wife was supposedly 'taken away' from me by some unknown person.

 

Imagine you found out your wife was having sex with a unknown guy, wouldn't you totally flip the fawk out?

 

Yeah, I guess I would in this day and age.

 

That's the thing.. it all seems so narrow-minded, conventional, and materialistic to me.. whatever happened to spiritual freedom? Just because a person shows love to another different from their 'primary partner' doesn't mean they still can't love their spouse just as equally... of course this idea doesn't apply in our current society, but I strongly believe in it and want to explain further in a future post...

 

Despite my argument, obviously I have no excuse right now to persue somebody as a lover that's married.. the last thing that I want to do is seriously hurt people.. so that's off my list.

 

The whole 'lover' thing was never a serious thought in my mind anyways, only a fantasy.. we all have fantasies, don't we? I probably couldn't get her to blow me if I tried with all my energy given my social skills. The most I was seriously hoping for if we met face to face was a hug and comfort, maybe some guidance. I wouldn't mind if her husband was attendant.

 

If you would fall, i mean you could even have died and left your parents in agony, worrying where you have been only to get the police officers at their door at a later time in the evening.

 

Promise me you won't go off like this again! Seriously let someone else drive you, and always bring a cell phone. This saves a lot of people worrying who love you to bits.

 

I realize how worried my parents are; I have put myself in their shoes and felt some of their pain as well.. but this walk was something I needed to do to save my sanity, at least temporarily, giving me the time to discuss these issues with people I can trust.

 

I'm contrite to say that I went back to her farm today, this time part way on bike. I reached it this time. But I'm happy to say that simply seeing the farm, taking in the fresh air, (the smell of fresh strawberries in particular was great), and buying a few things from the stand seemed to satisfy me. I didn't see her, I didn't even want to (partially because of my social phobia). My mother didn't seem alarmed when I told her that one of my former teachers lived there, though I could always be misreading her.

 

Walking/biking as far as I did was also quite an achievement for myself....

 

But after these two experiences on the road I do realize just how dangerous it is, and how stupid it would be to throw my life away as roadkill. I can't promise that I won't do something like this again, but I feel strongly that if I keep improving things I have/will have enough control to stop these things... so this type of behavior is also off my list..

 

My parents and I agreed that I could ride my bike or do some other independent activity (when I get another cellphone) that doesn't involve a dangerous route like the one I was travelling on.

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

But I still want to have contact with her, even if not alone face to face, through email or some other medium.. I feel strongly that she might have some valuable and/or heartening feedback for me.. if not, I can finally move on without wondering so much about her.

 

So I ask again, pleadingly, how can I make contact with her without too much potential to alarm/frighten people? I was thinking email, or postage if she doesn't read her school email during the summer..

 

And what should I concentrate on, ask, or say in my initial communication without frightening her too much?

 

Believe in me.. I don't think this much would be dangerous, and I strongly believe it could boost me positively if done right.

 

Love and help other people and your on the right track for bringing happyness back into your life.

 

Following this philosophy, could I volunteer at the farm? Maybe work the cash register? I think I would love it there.. it's the first place I've seen that I have any desire to work at, and I have a lot of community service hours to make up for.

 

 

 

 

 

So I leave you guys with these decisions and further questions... please, believe that there is some sanity and direction left in what I say... many of the questions I ask come straight from my heart and are reinforced by that spiritual voice in the back of my head...

 

It almost seems like this post should be put back in general advice because it is more about the direction of my life in general than specifically finding a soulmate..

[Tigris]

First of all I want to congratulate you on your achievements. I'm sure there are going to be many more of them.

 

Secondly have you and your parents looked into you learning to drive and getting a car so you can beome more independent?

 

I think if you were independent then you would be able to join groups that do activities. This would allow you to meet new people and you may even find yourself a girlfriend in the process.

 

What sort of activities would you have liked to do if you didn't have Muscular Dystrophy? Please can you tell me your symptoms so I have an idea of what can be achieved and what can't?

[Unmotivated]

From your posts I get the impression that you are intelligent and have a very active mind. I have the same problem, though I don't claim to be particularly intelligent.

 

Anyway, I think you're getting ahead of yourself. You said that you've never really had any conversations with your teacher. I think she might be a bit surprised if you showed up at her house and tried to tell her about your feelings.

 

I think that it's a good idea to get her email and, through that avenue, explain how much your respect her and the experiences she has had and ask her if she would be willing to give you some advice.

 

If you get a positive response, maybe you could ask to meet her in person somewhere to discuss stuff.

 

Remember this though: Always take your current thoughts with a grain of salt. I have bipolar disorder and I am often times not thinking straight. I have learned to be careful of the decisions I make when I am depressed or manic. This woman isn't perfect. Sure, she has a great deal of worldly experience, but don't make the mistake of believing that she will be able to solve all of your problems, because that may lead to great disappointment.

 

Good luck, sir. I hope this helped.

[Gecko]

TYVM for both of the responses..

 

Have you and your parents looked into you learning to drive and getting a car so you can become more independent?

 

I think if you were independent then you would be able to join groups that do activities. This would allow you to meet new people and you may even find yourself a girlfriend in the process.

 

I've had the opportunity to get a learner's permit for a while but just been too lazy to study for the quiz I need to take... I'll jump on that soon. I might not be able to drive due to a few facets of my M.D. but it's definitely worth a try since my mom found an adaptive driving center.

 

I think you're getting ahead of yourself. You said that you've never really had any conversations with your teacher. I think she might be a bit surprised if you showed up at her house and tried to tell her about your feelings.

 

I think that it's a good idea to get her email and, through that avenue, explain how much you respect her and the experiences she has had and ask her if she would be willing to give you some advice.

 

If you get a positive response, maybe you could ask to meet her in person somewhere to discuss stuff.

 

Cool.. would it be helpful at all to mention my depression, or should I keep that to myself for a bit?

 

Am I thinking too much about this?

 

Remember this: Always take your current thoughts with a grain of salt. I have bipolar disorder and I am often times not thinking straight. I have learned to be careful of the decisions I make when I am depressed or manic. This woman isn't perfect. Sure, she has a great deal of worldly experience, but don't make the mistake of believing that she will be able to solve all of your problems, because that may lead to great disappointment.

 

Yes, thanks for the warning.. I try to make it a point to keep this stuff in mind while still preserving hope for a positive outcome.

 

What sort of activities would you have liked to do if you didn't have Muscular Dystrophy?QUOTE]

 

Hmm... I'll have to think about that one for a bit, I'll get back about it. 8-[

 

Over the last few days I've been reading about the different types of depression, and judging from my experiences I believe I have a mix of Dysthymia and Existential Depression.. I think the dysthymic depression is the reason I find it so difficult to think about possibilities and persue them, or even make simple choices. I think I'll explore this more in another post... here's description of the two types I mentioned:

 

Dysthymic disorder

Dysthymic disorder is a long-term or chronic disorder where low mood is experienced for most of the day, on more days than not, over a period of at least two years. Someone with dysthymia may experience fatigue, sleeping and eating problems, and be plagued by low self-esteem, guilt and negative thinking. Cognitive difficulties include concentration and memory problems.

 

Existential depression

Because children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, they feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, they quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person's life make?

 

Please can you tell me your symptoms so I have an idea of what can be achieved and what can't?[/

 

I have an undetermined type of M.D. The most serious symptom is severe muscle tightness throughout the body... most impacted are my legs, making my stride shorter and more likely to trip over things, and not able to bend over very far (can't pick things off the ground from standing position, though I've seen tools that could compensate for this). I've also noticed my hands/fingers getting more tense over the past few years, making it a bit harder to write.

 

The second symptom is moderate weakness, again throughout the whole body so there isn't really a strength I could use to neutralize another weakness (I.E., some people have M.D. that only affects their legs so they can use their arms to compensate a bit). I cannot get from the ground to standing position, and need some sort of support to get from sitting position to standing position. Climbing stairs is tiring but doable with a railing.

 

The third symptom is tiring moderately easy, which branches off from the other two.. if I'm allowed to rest I can get a lot of it back, though with diminishing returns.

 

Though walking is still hard for me, I'm surprised I can do it at all given how much trouble I have doing other activities.

 

Sorry if I'm a little vague or don't provide enough detail in that description, please ask any other questions you might have.

 

I want to congratulate you on your achievements. I'm sure there are going to be many more of them.

From your posts I get the impression that you are intelligent and have a very active mind. I have the same problem, though I don't claim to be particularly intelligent.

 

Thanks for the support.. and I'm glad to be learning recently that there are others out there similar to me.

 

 

PS Does my style of quoting and responding directly help to smooth out discussion or do you think it drives people away when they see these big blocks of text? Should I try to shorten/summarize my posts?

[Gecko]

Here is the message that I sent her (via email):

 

Hi,

 

this is Erik (xxxxxx). I don't know if this address is checked or not during the summer but I thought it'd be worth a try..

 

Recently I've been told (by a psychologist) that I have full-blown depression, and apparently it's been with me for the past two-three years. I've been feeling pretty lost, looking at the dark areas of society surrounding me and wondering what I'm going to do in life. I struggle to cope with and make some meaning out of my muscular dystrophy. And my social phobias don't help..

 

Recently I visited your farm (on bike)... the smell of fresh strawberries and everything else was wonderful, on a peaceful summer day..

 

I want to let you know how much I respect you.. it seems like you've been through a lot in your life from the bits and pieces picked up in class. It could'nt have been easy growing up in an urban area with so much violence.. and yet you seem to have found your peace here, on this little farm, in a little corner of the world.. I admire you for this. Despite hardships it seems you grew into a confident, warm, honest person..

 

I was wondering if I could keep in touch with you and learn more about and from your experiences.. as a mentor or a friend. Either way, I feel possibly that I could grow from it. If it's more comfortable to keep those things private, I understand that as well..

 

I hope to hear from you soon

 

Erik

 

I'm thinking about sending her postage too just in case..

[BellaDonna]

Hi Gecko.

 

It seems like you've made a lot of progress since the last time you posted. You have stopped the video games and have been seeing a psychologist for your depression. That is good news. It may take longer than 5 months to experience positive change. Just stick with it and don't give up.

 

What do you think you want to do after high school? Do you have a transition plan in place?

 

What irks me the most is the heartlessness people seem to share towards criminals... many of them have suffered the most and I don't think it's right the way the media strives to make them look like rotten, evil beings.. while I do believe a few of those exist most of what I see on TV is just pure sensationalism.. almost seems like they're saying "REVENGE! yeAH!! LOCK hIM UP!" Rarely do people try to understand people and their past before they judge them... In this society, love seems more of an offense than murder

 

Have you ever considered a career as a social worker? Based on what you've written here you'd probably be very good at that.

 

As for your feelings about your teacher. I don't think you should act on them. Most teachers would feel uncomfortable pursuing a friendship with students/former students outside of school walls. There are strict ethical rules about this- and even if it's 100% harmless, such behavior could put her career at risk and generate "talk" about her. That is why she is not likely to respond to your gestures to begin a friendship out side of school.

 

Are there any girls your own age that you like?

 

 

BellaDonna

[Gecko]

Thanks again for the response, DonnaBella.

I appreciate the time taken to read through and consider my posts.

 

But I have a great urge to vent right now...

 

I hate society.

 

I hate all this professionalism.

 

I hate how disconnected people are.

 

I hate religion. (not spirituality)

 

I hate all the fixed pretensions drilled into our minds by society that few of us ever do anything about.

 

I hate this thing called the justice system, people acting as though they know how they should live their lives.

 

I hate laws, rules, and all the other crap put there to support a world of individuals that are going to eventually destroy the world (and thus themselves) anyways.

 

I hate how people try to act like gods of the world, attacking the earth as though it were an enemy that needs conquering.

 

I hate pollution.

 

I hate overpopulation. I hate infants.

 

I hate the sensationalist media, and I hate how it always manages to draw me in.

 

I hate violence and pain.

 

I hate this computer I'm typing on right now.

 

I hate ignorance. (including my own)

 

I hate laziness.

 

I hate my short term memory.

 

I hate wasted time.

 

I hate how immature or childish this might sound.

 

I hate how I'm consuming all these resources like the rest of the human race and can't practically stop.

 

I hate this story I'm enacting with the rest of the human race.

 

I hate my desire to fit in with society and quiet down like the government wants me to.

 

I hate how all these scientists and universities are trying to uncover secrets that will be useless to us in the future anyways. (After WW III we'll all be dead anyways.)

 

I hate all the brainwashing put through my head that I can't possibly do anything about this society, and that I should just settle down and find something to make myself happy. (while ignoring the rest of the world)

 

I hate my own doubts.

 

I hate the intimidating size of the world.

 

I hate this unending multitude of choices and being too paralyzed by my own fear of heading the wrong direction to pick one.

 

I hate how society tends to think that there's more things wrong with me than itself when I don't want to fit in, or am filled with an unspeakable emotional pain. But I must digress.. how much of this thing called 'mental illness' do you see in the aborigine tribes of Malaysia? Or Africa? Or South America?

 

I hate how doctors try to feed me this medication that will subdue me and force me to live like the rest of society, to continue this story of destruction everyone's so involved in.

 

And through all of this, I would hate to be a social worker trying to get people to fit in with this society that I hate so much myself. Why in the world would I want to do this? It's all for naught anyways when society is trying to defy the rules of nature, which it never truly will.

 

I'm realizing now that I probably won't find much of what I'm looking for here, at eNotAlone, or any other website because everyone here has learned to accept what they see and go on with their worthless lives, drugging themselves on medication, organized religion, TV, booze, money, sensationalism, and the illusion they think is their life.

 

Maybe not even this person I've been so interested in will have anything meaningful to say about this, though I'm not sure.. is keeping in touch via email, or IM still too 'touchy'??

 

The only way I will ever find peace it seems is to meditate, discover my true self, and transcend this stupid society and make an example to the rest of these ignorant bastards... or even manipulate it to my own advantage. (though I doubt I'll ever reach that level) It seems only this, or death, will quench my restlessness...

 

P.S. Why the heck is this thread still in Finding Love and Soulmate

[BellaDonna]

And through all of this, I would hate to be a social worker trying to get people to fit in with this society that I hate so much myself. Why in the world would I want to do this? It's all for naught anyways when society is trying to defy the rules of nature, which it never truly will.

 

The only reason I suggested a career as a social worker is that there are many social workers who work with prisioners and who hold similar views to what you had stated earlier:

 

 

What irks me the most is the heartlessness people seem to share towards criminals... many of them have suffered the most and I don't think it's right the way the media strives to make them look like rotten, evil beings..

 

 

BellaDonna

[BellaDonna]

 

 

Read the contents of that link carefully. Be open to what it says. I think that is the key to solving most of your troubles.

 

 

 

BellaDonna

[blueangel]

Sorry to say- I only skimmed that so feel free to slap me (not really tho) if I answer incorrectly to your situation. Dang- wish I wasn't feeling so lazy right now when it comes to reading. I may come back later to read and write more.

 

My advice to you is that because you are actually a LOT like me, get a journal and take it where you can and as much as you can. Now, observe.

 

You have a creative energy in you that doesn't need harnished but at least to stop being filtered out day to day. You have a lot in you. Now is the time to gather goals, write about your thoughts on life and as you do this, you will gradually accumulate a sense of self that doesn't come easy in the outside life. You have to go inward to solve depression and MOST of the solution towards depression begins partly with finding exactly what is wrong. How your body feels is only an expression of what's going on inside. So watch it. Feel it. Listen to it. Only you can REALLY know.

 

When there is nothing to do, do something active- even if it's going up and down the stairs. You have an energy that is not expressed and feels faded. We all do, actually. Motivate your body to motivate your mind. Think healthy living (exercise and eat right) and love of inner self (journal thing) to obtain that energy you need to get moving again. If you don't have friends, find when you are in that distracted yet silent time the will to reach out to someone. The greatest rewards come from what you do and by that, who you decide to be in the end will shine through. You have to make your choices. "You have to be the change you wish to see."- Ghandi.

 

Now that you are aware of the nothingness, you can only create from it. Take the knowledge of all the years you've been alive and start planning a life path. What do you want out of life? Make even a dream board. Do you want wealth? Do you want to travel the world? Do you want to live by a beach someday? Do you want to teach others spirituality or what you are passionate for? Do you want to have a life of thrill? A life of love? A life of GOD? You can make yourself into a hard worker once you realize where it is you want to go. And that, also, you can only be the one to really know.

 

Here to help!