he forced me to have oral sex

[SweetJade]

I invited a male friend over my house today which was a big mistake.I consider myself to be a very good, religious type girl.I'm still a virgin, never even kissed before. I didn't think anything was going to happen honestly.He came over lots of times and we just chilled and hung out.Today he was about to leave and he asked me if I could perform oral sex on him. At first I thought he was joking so I laughed. I'm really not the type to have sex and I was really uncomfortable.I told him no and he said he wasn't leaving until I did what he wanted. We basically argued and I told him repeatedly to leave. I really felt like I didn't have an option because my mother doesn't like guys over at my house while she isn't there.She was coming home shortly. I thought it would be ok to invite him because I trusted him. Eventually I gave up and I did what he wanted. Now I feel disgusted and I feel like some cheap {removed by Moderator}. I can't stop thinking about it and I just feel low and dirty.I know this may not be a big deal to anybody but I feel so violated and dirty. I'm never going to talk to this guy again and now I can't get the mental picture of what I done out of my head.How can I get over this and will I eventually?

[Jennster]

Wow that's a tough situation. I'm really sorry you felt you had to do this...this guy is a total sleaze bag. Back in my teenage days I had a night out with friends that was sort of similar - only I didn't go as far...but in the morning I felt disgusted with myself.

 

I can only offer that in time you'll forget about it and learn from it. We all do things we aren't proud of...but as long as you learn from it then it's not as bad as your mind likes to make it out to be. Try to stay positive and don't dwell - but do cut ties with this jerk guy...he's not worth even talking to.

[Eric f]

im sorry to hear that and it is important, err guys like him make me mad and give us a bad name.

 

subjects like this make me upset cause i hate to hear that someone was violated.

 

i dunno i say if he comes around again "and he trys worse things "id do something to his man hood for fear of ur safty that guys is a creep... and im sorry you were violated like that.

 

i dunno if you will get passed it thats something that will come to. my hearts with yea and i deeply am sorry for what that sleeze made you do.

know that not all males are like that. and my heart goes out to you

[Hope75]

This guy is definitely not someone you want to keep around.

 

Unfortunately, because you consented, I'm afraid it is not likely that you would be able to press any kind of charges against him.

 

I'm sorry that you had to go through this. You made a mistake while under duress, and you know now not to waste your time with this creep. Hopefully you can forgive yourself, let it go, and try to move past it.

[lunatic]

WOW all I can say is wow!!

 

listen you don't have to beat up yourself for this. This guy is a creep and you should never talk to him again. Use this as a learning experience for the future.

[SweetJade]

I'll try to get over this and I'm so bothered by this that it literally makes me sick just thinking about it. I'm really afraid to even invite guys over my house now period, unless there's more people with me. I don't know if I can be alone with another guy again.

[Tigris]

I'm sorry that you were violated by this guy, however, think of how much worse it could have been.

 

Like the others have said already not all men are like that.

[Slacker]

It sounds like you should stand up for yourself a little more, Jade.

If this jerk didn't leave your house when you told him, you could have called the cops. In a lot of places you even could've killed him (not saying thats a desireable course). I think maybe you should learn more about defending your rights, dignity and body.

[blender]

It's okay honey, you learned a valuable lesson and it's that you should NOT bring any guy to your house when you're there alone! NO ONE should be in your home without your mom knowing...

 

Now forgive yourself and let it go, it will bother you for a bit, but you can learn from this, and know what it feels like "afterwards",

 

So now you know, no matter how "nice" the guy may seem you do not ever bring a guy home alone, or go with a guy someplace by yourself, stay in groups, or with one of your friends. Have the self repect now to NOT put yourself in this situation with someone whom you don't know well enough and by breaking one of your mom's rules..

 

Learn from this by NOT putting yourself in this situation again, until you are older and can handle following through on the word NO, stick to your words next time, I know you will, because you've had this valuable lesson.

 

He's a pig and you do not have to speak to him again and if he tells anybody what happened simply tell them he's lying and that iti never happened...

 

erase it, learn from it, and it'll be okay, some day you will look back on this and know that it was a valuable lesson and you will be strong, and forgiving of yourself... and YOU WON'T let it happen again...

 

Sex is for grown ups, two loving people with the maturity to deal with the emotional side of it.

 

Girls have a very different reaction to physical intimacy many more times than a boy does...

 

don't let this one bad decsion define you, it was just a weak moment and he was pressuring you, and now you know you NEVER EVER have to do anything someone else is pressuring you to do.. okay?

 

Lesson learned and you will be okay, it was just a weak moment, it's not who you are, you are wonderful, special, respectful and have woderful future ahead of you, where this guy will be just a spec of dirt on the earth that is your life...

 

Keep talking to us here, and please know it will all be okay...

[Hope75]

I'll try to get over this and I'm so bothered by this that it literally makes me sick just thinking about it. I'm really afraid to even invite guys over my house now period, unless there's more people with me. I don't know if I can be alone with another guy again.

Try to put this in perspective. First, it just happened, so of course you are afraid to trust again and feel manipulated by someone whom you considered a friend and did at one time trust.

 

Second, don't discount every guy because ONE acted like a big jerk to you. You would be dicrediting a whole lot of nice guys out there if you make them all pay for the actions of one.

 

Third, it's fine if you don't want a guy in your house for awhile. When the next time comes around, meet the guy in a public place (restaurant, coffee shop, mall, etc), bring your cell phone, and tell friends and family where you are. Keep yourself in a safe location where others are present until you feel safe. Don't put yourself in a position where you lied to your parents so a guy has some leverage on you like that.

 

Best of luck and hang in there.

[Meow18]

Yikes.. how horrible.

 

I agree with Hope though. Not all guys are creeps. But of course it's going to be hard for you now because you thought you could trust this guy.

 

He was a jerk. What he did was wrong. And you did it because you felt there was nothing else. You have to forgive yourself for this. It was a mistake. We all make mistakes.. some are just bigger than others, and some make us regret more than others.

 

But you know you are not a bad person. You know you have a good mind. And you still do.. you still can to.

 

It's going to be hard to get over this. But you have to forgive yourself first.

[SweetJade]

I'm just stressed out about so much right now and this just made things worse. Hopefully in time I will get over it but those mental images of what I did just keeps popping up and it makes me sick. The thought of doing things like oral sex just makes me sick. I'm more of an old fashioned type girl where I dreamed about losing my virginity to a guy I LOVE. I will not ever talk to this guy again and when it was over, he left. I was a fool and I must face the consequences I guess. I just want to be alone now seriously. The thought of sex just even sickens me. I guess I will be fine in time, thanks everyone for their input.

[Meow18]

What you are feeling is completely normal. I mean, you were basically raped, only not to that extent where he actually forced himself onto you. But it was still serious.

 

But the feelings you are feeling are probably that strong. He had no respect for you at all to completely use you that way.

 

It's not going to be easy to just forget about it. And you really should talk to someone. Maybe not your mom since you know she would probably be mad you had someone over, but perhaps a friend, or a school counseler? It might really help to have someone you can talk to about it.

 

Otherwise you have us!

[fishrrshortae]

I have to put my .02 in on this one, however unpopular it may be...

 

I mean, you were basically raped

 

I disagree with this statement. There is nothing at all that was said to indicate that he physically forced her in any way. "Rape" is a strong word that should only be used where applicable, and although his behavior was obviously ridiculous, there were many other options available. thereforeeee, it is this humble poster's advice that OP's negative feelings right now are more a result of her personal choice, rather than any action forced upon her.

 

That being said, unfortunately it is true that many young women are severely pressured into getting physical, even sometimes with physical force. One way to guard against this is to arrange dates in the company of others, never alone, and clearly state your intentions (or lack thereof). ... and always keep a cell phone handy!

[LostInMyThoughts]

I was a fool and I must face the consequences I guess.

Okay dear, first all you're not a fool. No one has to right to do to you what this guy did.

 

There is no harm in what you did; inviting a guy over to your house isn't ground to be subjected to sexual assault.

 

---

 

As for whether this is rape; just becaus he didn't physically force himself onto you, doesn't mean he didn't sexually assault you.

 

For instance, if I said "Have sex with me or I will kill your father." That meets the legal definition of rape. He said "I'm not going to leave until you give me oral sex." and the OP honestly believed he was telling the truth. That is sexual assault, and you have grounds to put this jerk in jail.

 

I know you might feel ashamed, but there is nothing to be ashamed of. If I were in your shoes, I would do EVERYTHING I could to send this punk to jail, so the other inmates can force him to perform oral sex on them, and see how much he likes it.

[Meow18]

This was sexual assault, and that can be just as bad as rape. At least it can make a person feel as horrible about themself, especially in this situation.

 

So I think you should treat it like that in the way you should talk to someone about it.

[fishrrshortae]

"Have sex with me or I will kill your father" is vastly different than "Have sex with me or I won't leave". Did I miss something - I don't recall anything in the original post about any threat that would qualify this instance as sexual assault..

 

Either way, next time some jerk guy tries to pull a stunt like that ... use your teeth

[itsallgrand]

I really felt like I didn't have an option because my mother doesn't like guys over at my house while she isn't there.She was coming home shortly.

 

Honey, you ALWAYS have an option!

 

Did this man threaten you with violence?

I have to agree that this is not rape.

He pressured you, he was HORRIBLE and a complete jerk. I hope you do everything in your power not to see this guy again.

However, you did make this decision.

 

I would go drop in at a mental health clinic and find a therapist. It could help a lot. Really. They can. It would be good for you to pick up a few skills as well to protect yourself in the future. Assertiveness training.

 

It disturbs me that the possibility of your mother walking in and finding you with a man was such a defining factor in your decision.

 

let us know how you are doing

[PittItaliano]

I have to agree with itsallgrand on this one

 

Yes he pressured you but I do not see how this could be considered assualt let alone rape. He did not physically make you do anything.

 

I'm sure if your mother would have come home she would have been upset that you had him over, but I'm sure if you would have explained the situation you were in she would have been there for you.

[Jesus Christ]

I also agree with its all grand and fishrrshortae

If everytime a man placed pressure on a female to have any form of sex and sex does occur then we'd have thousands more sexual assualt cases...

 

and I agree with PittItaliano.

Irelevant of who your mother is upsetting her slightly is better then having oral sex with someone you don't wish to..

 

but what is done is done and we all regret some thing we've done but learning from the mistake and getting on with your life is the most important thing..

 

Look upon this mistake as a sort of a good thing because it gives you the warning needed... when placed in this kind of situation possiably again you won't take that same path or a worse one(losing your virginity to someone you don't really want 2).. you'll take the better path...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Sadly, a lot of people are like this.

 

Take up Kung Fu.

 

It's sad how little this shocks me.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you still had a choice in the matter. I realize that your mom would have been upset but you still had that option of not doing anything and just waiting. If you are feeling helpless then you need to do something to empower yourself. First of all I would start with not giving into people, go with your gut instinct. It doesnt send a positive message if you told this boy no countless times and then end up giving him oral sex. Stand firm and realize that yes you were gonna get in trouble when your mom came home but you wouldnt have done something that you feel bad about.

[Spugly Fuglet]

He has no honnor and is not a man,

 

Is it me, cuz I would call that rape, he intimedated you into a sex act you did not wont. I would call in the police, yes you had a man in your family home and yes your mother will be up set but I feel what he did was very wrong, he knows you and knows what he did. Ask your self for the grater good should this man be seen by the police for his actions.

 

I know this sounds drastic but its how I feel, I would say this to any woman of any age. What he did was wrong.

[Deviant_Kate]

I know he didn't technically rape you, but rape isn't the only thing that's illegal when it comes to sex. I think you should call the police and tell them what happened - be VERY clear about the fact that you were coerced into performing a sex act. He used your fear of getting in trouble with your parents, and he violated you. He shouldn't get away with it.

 

You're not a fool - you're just a girl who got stuck in a really crappy situation where you felt like you were out of choices. If you can manage it, I think it could do you good to talk to somebody about it.

 

1-800-656-HOPE is a free confidential call to a national hotline for victims of rape, incest, and sexual abuse. They're there to counsel people over the phone 24 hours a day. They won't push you into telling them anything you don't want to tell them - they're there so you can talk about whatever you need to talk about. If you'd rather, you can go to their website, link removed

 

I don't know what else to say...but you're not alone.

[7CardStud]

I'm pretty sure thats pretty much rape... Rape is any unwanted penetration, Period. Guys like this make me clench my fist when I hear stories like yours. I'm truly sorry you had to go through that and I hope things get resolved and you can move on and eventually trust again. From the Latin "rapere," to seize, refers to forced, coerced, or manipulated sexual contact between an adult male and an adult female. Just because it wasn't physical, doesn't mean it wasn't rape.