Can someone help me understand men?

[waited2long]

Maybe all my problems are because I simply don't understand men.

 

• I grew up without a father (my mum left him basically because he was a womaniser, and I didn't have many contacts with him while I was growing up)
  
• I don't have any brothers.
  
• My contacts with the opposite sex started when I was grown-up and most of the time men would hit on me.
  
• Working in an all male environment made me see how men look at women, how they check them out, analyse every single detail and mark them from 1 to 10… (mind you, I didn't like that at all)
  

But I always thought, these are some other men, not the men I'd choose to be with.

I'll find someone better than that.

Men who are with me will be different…

 

But, guess what? They are not

They may hide it a bit better (at least in front of me), but they are basicaly the same.

 

Maybe because of all this, I don't respect men as much as I should.

But I definitely don't understand them.

 

Can anyone help me with this?

What is going on in a male brain? (except loads of naked women )

 

Actually it IS a loads of naked women in a man's head that I'm trying to understand.

 

 

For background info

 

[Cadence308]

Wish I could help you. Unfortunately, I date women. Just want to feel that emotional connection and want someone who wants the same things I do and not feel like I have to be or look a certain way all of the time. That's how I felt when I was dating men. A lot of them would tell me I needed bigger breasts (i.e., implants), sometimes I heard I should lose some weight, become more tone here or there, wear my hair a certain way. Those kinds of things just BUG me. Of course, it depends on the person and I have great guy friends, but I just don't like them in that way.

[Dako]

You might benefit from doing things with guys as friends and learn from them, just as you might have with brothers or a father. Most guys are pretty decent, but the loud, obnoxious ones get noticed.

 

I can only fit one naked woman in my head.

[waited2long]

Ballys, unfortunately, 'switching the sides' is not an option for me.

(Although I can see the advantages...)

 

You might benefit from doing things with guys as friends and learn from them, just as you might have with brothers or a father. Most guys are pretty decent, but the loud, obnoxious ones get noticed.

I spent lots of time working with guys and doing lots of different things with them. That had big influence on my current opinion.

I've met lots of guys, some decent some not.

But in that way, there are very few exceptions (and I've never met one).

 

I can only fit one naked woman in my head.

She must be very lucky lady!

 

Or, did you mean 'one at the time'?

[Bitterness Inc.]

To put it simply, when it comes down to the most basic of human function which is procreation, women are after only one person, the provider. Men on the contrary, are after multiple targets. Think about it, throughout her life, a woman can give birth to less children than a man can conceive, that's just nature's way. Men are programmed to ogle, evaluate and seek as many possible future mates as they can.

 

That's not to say we're just beasts... well, we mostly are, but our ability to reason allows us to go beyond our instincts when there are strong enough reasons to do so, be they financial (not enough money to raise kids), social (bonds of marriage) or hedonistic, as in it is more pleasurable and meaningful for some people to invest in a single, deep relationship than to jump from bed to bed, thus never going beyond superficial relationships.

 

Really, it all comes down to personal preferences and just how far can one man distance himself from his "instincts".

 

To take into account your other thread, your man probably isn't thinking about anything romantic when he's looking at these women. Pardon the expression, but for some (most?) of us when we look at porn or ogle women, it's just flesh, there's nothing else to it. Why do you think men make a difference between the women they want to screw and the women they want to marry ?

[OceanEyes]

I don't particularly buy the whole "instinctive" thing anymore. I do, to a point, but then I think about how far civilization has come since the caveman days and realize that it's fairly antiquated thinking.

 

Both men and women will always have natural instincts - unfortnately I do not agree with this one:

 

women are after only one person, the provider.

 

Speaking as a female, I'd have to say that I've never given serious thought to settling down with one mate. In fact, I've had many, and most haven't even been close to "serious". I have been 'providing' for myself for about 10 years now, don't have kids, and don't even think I want them. So, speaking in terms of "instinct", I think that I've basically discredited that argument, respectively.

waited2long: If you're patient, and allow yourself to be open-minded, you WILL meet a guy who is your equal. Your mental, emotional, and intellectual equal. He may not have the exact same values and beliefs, but he'll definitely help to set your mind at ease; not all men are chest-beating, King-Kong-like beasts who only see you and other women as flesh.

 

A lot of men out there give an "I'm tough" impression, when I'm willing to BET that these guys are either the biggest pansies, the most uninteresting, and the least worthy of your stress.

 

I'm sorry that your dad wasn't around. Mine was, and he always gave me a very good impression of what a "real man" is like (in my eyes, anyway). A kind, considerate man with very strong values, a big heart, and will always be there for you. A guy who hoots, hollars, and rates women on a scale of 1-10 cannot even come close to the integrity and human worth of my father.

 

If you really want to, you'll meet guys like this.

[waited2long]

To put it simply, when it comes down to the most basic of human function which is procreation, women are after only one person, the provider. Men on the contrary, are after multiple targets. Think about it, throughout her life, a woman can give birth to less children than a man can conceive, that's just nature's way. Men are programmed to ogle, evaluate and seek as many possible future mates as they can.

Even if we are talking about procreation only, why do you think women would want only one partner for life?

Women would, biologically, want the best possible seeds for their offspring, so they would 'do it' with as many men as possible to make sure the best sperm 'wins'.

She would want to sleep with many men to give a nature a chance to do the selection itself. I suppose that would be especially noticeable once she decides to have kids (Don't think many men would like that though)

Also, when the children grow up sufficiently, which is biologically somewhere around 10 years of age, women should, biologically, move on to another partner.

Some sort of "serial monogamy"

 

What you saying would be equivalent to a woman saying:

I have to divorce you and take your house and half of everything you have, because I am biologically programmed to behave like this and to find different (better?) DNA for my next child.

It's not my fault; it's just my instincts.

 

To take into account your other thread, your man probably isn't thinking about anything romantic when he's looking at these women. Pardon the expression, but for some (most?) of us when we look at porn or ogle women, it's just flesh, there's nothing else to it.

I don't think he wants to marry each one of them.

I've heard 'nothing else' so many times. I don't expect anything else; I find what is already happening bad enough

 

Why do you think men make a difference between the women they want to screw and the women they want to marry ?

Beats me!

(told you I don't understand men )

 

But my question wasn't about biology, it was about how men think, and you answered that very well.

Thanks.

[Dako]

Men come in many styles and persuasions.

 

That instictive hunter/gatherer male seed spreading isn't much use to a guy when he's with a woman making twice his salary or if there's no itch to breed. I don't know who programmed me, but I'm monogamous.

[OceanEyes]

LOL ... you have such a great sly wit Dako. I think you were programmed just fine.

[Scout]

To put it simply, when it comes down to the most basic of human function which is procreation, women are after only one person, the provider. Men on the contrary, are after multiple targets. Think about it, throughout her life, a woman can give birth to less children than a man can conceive, that's just nature's way. Men are programmed to ogle, evaluate and seek as many possible future mates as they can.

 

You know...I hear a lot of people espouse this theory. And I see a lot of self-appointed "relationship gurus" use this theory to explain the so-called differences between the sexes.

 

What I have yet to see is this theory actually proved.

 

Men are still getting married. Men are still gravitating towards committed relationships. Men still get their hearts broken when a relationship doesn't work out and can't imagine another woman taking the place of their lost love.

 

And eNotalone is proof in itself of all of the above.

[Scout]

I'm sorry that your dad wasn't around. Mine was, and he always gave me a very good impression of what a "real man" is like (in my eyes, anyway). A kind, considerate man with very strong values, a big heart, and will always be there for you. A guy who hoots, hollars, and rates women on a scale of 1-10 cannot even come close to the integrity and human worth of my father.

 

If you really want to, you'll meet guys like this.

 

Ocean, that was very moving. And very true - to the OP, change what you're looking for, and you will find him.

[queenofvalidation]

I am currently in the process of reading all of john gray's books. Because of this new insight things seem to be getting better with regard to the way I relate to the men in my life, particularly that special one.

[OceanEyes]

Ocean, that was very moving. And very true - to the OP, change what you're looking for, and you will find him.

 

Thanks Scout!

 

I guess what I meant by "if you really want to", was that keeping an open mind and heart will always attract the right people. It will probably attract some of the 'wrong people' as well, but that's part of life and finding love.

 

I've been through a quite a few situations with men that I'd really rather forget, but I still believe that there are a lot of incredible men out there. Sometimes you just have to dig deeper and search for longer. The best things are definitely worth waiting for.

[Managor]

I think a lot of people here are making huge generalisations about men (and women too). Like Dako said, it's often the loud obnoxious guys that get noticed. There are plenty of great guys and girls who are so very incredibly distant from acting primitively in any ways such as trying to inpregnate as many women as possible or any other common related traits people seem to make synonymous with males(similarly for females).

[Day_Walker]

If you really want to learn about men or a man in particular then find out what his motivation is. I dont mean just with girls, but in life in essense get to know him and you will have a better picture of him, you may not like what you find but keep doing it and hopefully you will soon begin to get a feel for men.