How Does Getting Back Together Usually Work Out?

[andrew05151]

yeah man, I agree...

 

But, I dont know if Im strong enough to break it off...

 

Maybe, Ill just give it some more time? I dont know...

 

This sucks

[96GSX]

If you are clingy and pathetic now...the more you wait, the more time you give her to see that the option she chose is the lesser of the two she had to choose from.

 

Again...just my .02.

[andrew05151]

I was good today, I think. I didn't IM her, I let her come to me. I told her if she wanted to go to wal-mart later with me to let me know. She never let me know, so we never went, and I never mentioned it again.

 

We were just on the phone, it was all BS conversation. Nothing deep. 2 hour phone conversation of absoutely nothing substantial. Yet, I wasn't clingy, I was acting like my old self. Kind of sarcastic, making stupid jokes, that sortta thing. At the end, she did throw out the "I love you." I didn't have to initiate it.

 

And, that's the sort of thing that makes me stay...

[96GSX]

Good luck bro. Just don't show the clinginess.

[kellbell]

"It is greed. She never dumps anyone unless she has the next guy lined up and ready to go."

 

IMO, I would not classify this as greed, I would think of it as more being insecure. Greed to me would mean having all kinds of guys at the same time and still think it is not enough. Some people have this need to be in a relationship at all times. She sounds like that kind of girl.

[brando]

In all reality getting back together has about the same chances of beginning a new relationship.

[annie24]

In all reality getting back together has about the same chances of beginning a new relationship.

 

really? I would feel like the chances are worse, because there is already some bad history there. true, good times also, but if things didn't work the first time, I would think that he has a better chance of making things work with someone random from the population, as opposed to with his ex.

 

I could very very easily be wrong though.....

[andrew05151]

I just keep thinking...it was only 5 days. It wasn't a huge break up. So, I want it to work but...she has feelings for that other guy. She admits it, she says they're not as strong as for me. But, those feelings are hindering our reltionship. And now she's found this newfound independence. I dont want her to cling to me 100% like before, but I need her to cling at least a little.

 

Im not sure if shes afraid to lean on me again, or if she can't because of the other feelings she has.

[Beyondthesea]

Im not sure if shes afraid to lean on me again, or if she can't because of the other feelings she has.

 

Personally I think it's because of the other feelings. If she was 100% sure about you, she wouldn't hesitate to go back.

 

I'm sorry, I really don't think it will work out

[texasman123]

I have to diisagree with a lot of whats being said here. I ahve had a lot of friends that have broken up and then gotten back together and I have seen it work most times. Not to mention that this has recently hapened to me.

 

My ex and I got back together a few months ago after a 3 month breakup. Its hard at first, but it sounds like you are handling it the way you should. In my case she was not clingy during the first relationship and became more clingy, and then would recoil a bit, and then would cling again. I agree that looking at it as new is whats important.

 

Don;t worry about percentages or anything like that. Treat her like a person. Just be as normal as possible. Are you more sensitive to stuff? Sure. But dont act on that. I think its like when you want to punch a guy for some crap and restrain yourself. Restrain yourself from acting out on insecurties. TRUST her. You used to, so do it know. I know i have learned to do this and the relationship has been great and things are totally normal. Just make sure to be yourself.

 

I think a lot of times people int his situation get so nervous of screwing it up they worry about too much. I did this and still do to some level, but try and trust in the fact that she wants this.

 

I also think when people get back together they try to "work" to hard at things because, again, they are so sensitive to make things happen. She'll come around if you just keep things light and normal. It takes time to feel comfortable again, and if she senses anxiety then it will only make things worse.

 

What happens on this board is people in very emoitonal states and in some cases sevre circumstances post about wanting to get back. and a lot of times those that do never return to post about it. I didn't until now. Like I said a lot of people break up for reasons and then get back for good. Its all about the realtionship though. Trust in it and see what happens, but stressing will only make it worse. If she didnt want to be with you she wouldnt. Its way harder to make the move emotionally to get back with someone than to break it off with someone, so she wants something with you....

[Leigh]

My ex and I got back together a few months ago after a 3 month breakup.

 

Congratulations... would you be able to post the story? Did you go NC for the 3 months? How did things initiate again? Did you become friends again first? Sorry for the grilling, but a success story would be REALLY refreshing here.

[andrew05151]

Thank you for that encouragement. I will try my best to follow through. Right now times are especially hard, she works with this guy, she talks to him on aim...there are graduation parties happening left and right. If I can manage to get through all of this, through this damn summer...I think it will stabalize when college starts. She's going to my school, not his.

[andrew05151]

But at the same time...I know they're talking all the time on AIM. He's on away until she's back, then he's there...and his away messages are always these stupid sappy lyrics "It's more than a love song"

 

This really pisses me off, and discourages me.

 

Then last night we were no the phone starting 9 pm, around 11 30 there was a beep, she told me it was her grandmother and she needed to talk to her father, so she'd talk to me online. Five minutes later his away message goes on about "cleaning up my room." Hmmm...

 

I made it very obvious that I wasn't really believing her story. Asking her questions like "I thought your grandma gets up at the crack of dawn."

"lol yeah she does"

"Why is she up this late then?"

"I dont know"

 

I told her I'd call her back when the phone freed up. She always used to want to hear my voice before bed. I asked her if she still did, she said she did. I called her back when it was free, and then started to talk a little about how I felt like I was being rejected.

 

At first she got mad and took it as I was telling her she's not good enough for me. But I explained that I wasn't saying that, and that I did not want to put responsibility on her to make me happy. I told her I didn't want her to feel obliged to do anything, and that it's wrong for me to make her feel guilty. I told her I just wanted to tell he how I felt because I didn't want to hold it in. I told her that I am used to how she used to act, and when I don't receive those little pieces of affection, I interpret that as there being a problem.

 

She seemed to understand better, and sounded sad. Said she didn't want to hurt me. She told me she was scared to lean on me, and that I wasn't the only one scared her. I told her that it's okay to be scared, and that I don't want her to lean on me for everything, that I don't want her to need me completely or make her life into me, but that she needs to trust me a little bit, needs to lean on me a little. That we're not really a couple if we're both living independent of eachother. She seemed to understand, and this morning she is acting a little bit better.

 

But, when I go to her house tonight, I will have to be a litte bit of a jerk.

 

I am going to talk to her parents a little, "how are you doing?"

say "Im exhausted"

"You must be, too. I can't believe you stay up that late."

 

See if they have any idea about their mother apparently calling at 11 30 pm. When they don't, which I'm hoping with all my heart that they do, I want to trust...but I have a strong feeling here that she was talking to HIM, so when they don't know what I'm talking about...I will turn on her. Lying like that isn't acceptable...

 

This may be the last day I feel hopeful and ... almost happy. I will probably be crashing very soon.

[Beyondthesea]

Honestly I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

 

My advice: your gut instinct is telling you something...what is it? That's the advice you should listen to above everyone else's.

[blueberrypie]

I second the opinion that treating it as a new relationship is very important. Whether it was 5 day break-up or 5 yr break-up as long as you believed/felt that it was a 'break-up', it's not a continuation, but a fresh-new relationship.

Good luck!

[texasman123]

Congratulations... would you be able to post the story? Did you go NC for the 3 months? How did things initiate again? Did you become friends again first? Sorry for the grilling, but a success story would be REALLY refreshing here.

 

Well, it was a process...I have to start by saying we had dated for about 9 months and things were pretty great. She just said she didn't feel that "spark". She had had a history and was hurt and I thought she was in love and happy but was guarded - so here goes:

 

When we broke up i was devistated. I tried to get her back for hours, but she had made up her mind. She would call and text about once a week, and I would respond but i never initiated. Then christmas came and the calling increased and we would talk a little more, and then we went out to dinner which was very emotional. then new years...she missed me and called and we agreed to see each other. Seeing an openning i pressed and she pushed me away and said there was just no way we had a future and we counld not be friends. That led to weeks of not hearing,

 

I then started dating someone else. She didnt know, but this girl was awsome. It was fling and i knew it just gave me my swagger back a little. I didnt think about the ex anymore. the ex started to slowly start calling more and texting more...little things and long conversations (about once a week). I said nothing abou the relationship. Then the relationship ended. I was fine with it and the ex started to say she wanted to get back. We had not been pyhsical yet at all. then we did and I tolde her abou the other girl. She freaked a littel abou the situation (not the gilr) and recoiled back. I just let her every time. then she started calling twice a week. then calling at night every friday and meeting up. Then hanging out during the day. Then hanging out during the week. In the span of a few months we were totally back together. I am really happy with her, and It all came from her.

 

We never talked about it. I never had any expectaions. And more importantly I NEVER GOT OPENLY JEALOUS EVEN IF I THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS HAPPENNING. For the poster: you accuse her it looks bad for you, but i bet its nothing and it will drive her more crazy if you never get jealous.....

 

Every situation is different, but it needs to progress. You can't get it all back at once. Even though i was puzzled why she didnt immediately wanted to hang out all the time, or talk all the time, I NEVER CALLED HER OUT ON IT, even though i wanted to. You wouldnt if it were a new relationship. It porgressed naturally, so we are totally normal together. I have doubts still. There was a day last week i didnt hear from her after work and i got a little nervous. But i realised that that happens in al relaitonships and getting crazy only makes you look bad, and puts pressure on things. thats why i said to trust her.

 

It took a lot of energy and emotion to do this. I doubted things many times. But mwe being myself gave my ex the real me instead of an insuecure me, and thats who she fel in love with. She realised she made a mistake. So here it is in bullets:

 

- Never push - let the other person make the moves, but respond to the moves in a positive way (normally with no expectations) - if nothing - let it go, its not going to happen....

 

- Trust the person - it takes a lot to come back to someone that they broke up with - trust that they made that move, and relax...

 

- realise things will be different at first - its much like a new relationship and that must be relaised even if you know the person so well..

 

- Let things pregress naturally

 

- Be calm - in a new relaitonship you dont freak a week into things if the girl doesn't call - do the same here..

 

It worked (although this was never a plot for me) in getting us back, but I neded to be consistent throghout. Also, It was very long and hard, so be prepared for that.

[mamy123]

Texas,

Your story is insipring. My ex wants to be friends still, but I want more. We were so great together. Everything fit. I started getting needy and insecure because of a lot of things going on in my life that really had nothing to do woth him or our relationship. So he broke it off saying that he doesn't want to hurt me or make me upset because he has to travel for work so much.

 

Anyways, my story is posted under "**HELP** I want more than friends" (something like that)

 

He's said he'll come see me in the hospital if he can get back from his business trip in time. I don't know if this is a good sign or not. If the situation were reversed, and it were me who just wanted to be friends, I would have just said that I'd call to see how he was doing. I wouldn't drive over an hour away to see him in the hospital if I just wanted to be friends. What do you all think?

[texasman123]

Texas,

Your story is insipring. My ex wants to be friends still, but I want more. We were so great together. Everything fit. I started getting needy and insecure because of a lot of things going on in my life that really had nothing to do woth him or our relationship. So he broke it off saying that he doesn't want to hurt me or make me upset because he has to travel for work so much.

 

 

that does sound positive...one of the things i never agreed with is the straight NC stuff. Never call the other person. but they are humans and you are humans and you need to be able to handle seeing them and talking if you ever want them back...

 

Not taking their calls is just weird and i think makes one look petty and affected. Picking up is what a normal person would do..

[andrew05151]

Well, I guess it depends on how serious the hospital issue is. If you're just friends, but your friend had a serious accident and was put in the hospital...you'd probably drive an hour to visit them and cheer them up. But, if he's used to you being in the hospital...and he's going way out of his way to see you, and that's unusual behavior for him...I'd read into it a bit more, then. But, like they say...don't get your hopes up. I'm trying not to get mine up. We'll only crash down harder. I guess you'll just have to let it flow and see what happens. Someone here once said that your ex is like a bird that you want to feed, so you walk slowly up to it to gain its trust; any sudden movements and it will fly away. I hope that person was wrong, though >_>

[novaseeker]

No, I don't think it's normal to pick up when you know it is your ex calling. I think most people don't pick up, in this age of cellphones and caller ID when many/most people know who is calling before answering the phone.

[andrew05151]

So, today I also thought I'd try to have an emotional moment with her, too. I want to hug her, and have her hug me tightly, if she will. And, if she will, I want to ask into her ear if she can feel 'it' and tell her not to be afraid of it, that she can hang on as tightly as she needs and I wont let go, I'll be here for her whenever she needs me.

 

I hope that'll get a positive response....

[texasman123]

No, I don't think it's normal to pick up when you know it is your ex calling. I think most people don't pick up, in this age of cellphones and caller ID when many/most people know who is calling before answering the phone.

 

I guess in my siutaion it would have been. And thats why i think to say NC is the way to go accross the board is incorrect. If the persaon is mean or hurt you then , yes, dont answer. But, if its amicable, yet gutwrenching, breakup, then i think to not answer, IF YOU WANT THEM BACK, is counterproductive. If you want them out of your life, then by all means....

[texasman123]

So, today I also thought I'd try to have an emotional moment with her, too. I want to hug her, and have her hug me tightly, if she will. And, if she will, I want to ask into her ear if she can feel 'it' and tell her not to be afraid of it, that she can hang on as tightly as she needs and I wont let go, I'll be here for her whenever she needs me.

 

I hope that'll get a positive response....

 

See i think this is exactly what you shouldn't do. don't push her and don't expect a reaction. There were days I didn't get "hugs" or "kisses", even the same as the day before. If you think abou these things and have expectations, you get disappointed at things that might not be there, and you respond subconsciously. She will pick up on this, and its anything but attractive (especially in man). you can't force a great moment, they have to happen, so just let them happen, dont plan them. Trust her, she wants to be with you, let her go at her pace...and dont get down if shes not at oyur level yet...that will screw things up...trust me

[andrew05151]

See i think this is exactly what you shouldn't do. don't push her and don't expect a reaction. There were days I didn't get "hugs" or "kisses", even the same as the day before. If you think abou these things and have expectations, you get disappointed at things that might not be there, and you respond subconsciously. She will pick up on this, and its anything but attractive (especially in man). you can't force a great moment, they have to happen, so just let them happen, dont plan them. Trust her, she wants to be with you, let her go at her pace...and dont get down if shes not at oyur level yet...that will screw things up...trust me

 

But...we're not just dating or seeing eachother whenever. We're technically in a "relationship." I'm her technical boyfriend, she's my girlfriend...so, we see eachother numerous times per week. When I see her tonight, especialy after that phone thing last night, I don't want to be too reserved and not make any progress. I feel like we do make progress when we communicate our feelings. Then there seems to be a regression when talk the next day, but I let it slide...and just talk casually. I will be casual for the first half the night, and I won't force any moment...but if there's a chance, if I feel something in her grasp...jesus, I don't know. If I don't keep the momentum going somewhat, I may lose. If I try to push too hard, I will definitely lose. I think she's scared of me, and doesn't want to love me. I think that that is contributing to her feelings for the other guy. If the armor around her heart can be taken down or penetrated, I anticipate that those feelings for him will ween away.

 

Or is the NC too hard for her, and now she's back dating me in order to ween herself off of me? I hate all these thoughts and ideas.

 

I won't plan anything for the night, because then when things don't go right I feel let down. I'll just let it go with the flow, and feel her out. If she's receptive to me, then good. I'll probably try something small and gentle. If not, I won't bother....

 

This is complicated

[texasman123]

andrew,

 

its complicated, but easy at the same time. I know exactly what you are saying. We would have amazing times, then things eemed to regress. Thats all perspective though...its not the reality. Thats going on in your head. Its like when your out with your buddys drinking at a bar. Your a close group. The next day you dont act that why and it would be weird if you tried to foce that interaction. Take things sssllloooww....Dont overanalyse. Trust me, its hard to get back with someone then not talking to them. If she didnt want to be with you it would be easy for her not to be...its harder to do what she is doing so make it easy by not pushing her at all or having expectations.

 

I felt the other day a regression when she didnt call after two weeks straight of calling. But it was nothing. She called the next day and it was no big deal. If i had said something it would make her feel weatched and trapped...