NC - it's not just about not contacting

[JohnnyTable]

As everybody knows, NC is the two letter word on this board. It is the solution to your problems. It helps you move forward, and some think that it helps bring their ex back.

 

First of all, NC is for you. It is not something to do to your ex. Frankly they have their own life now and you are out of it. So remember that.

 

Many people think that in order to do NC, you simply don't contact your ex. No emails. No text. No phone calls. They are right in some way and these are easy rules to understand.

 

However, you should go further. You should go no contact between your brain and your ex. This means:

 

-Stop looking at pictures of them

-Don't read their emails (delete all of them - period)

-Don't think about what they are doing

-Don't wonder if they will come back

-Stop thinking about why the relationship ended

-Stop planning on how you will contact them

-Stop posting on this board about why they have hurt you and that you are confused

 

Granted this is really hard to do. I'm not expecting somebody to be able to do this up front as there are a lot of things to work through. But once you have worked through them, be done with them.

 

Once you get to this point, you realize why your ex isn't calling. They aren't calling for the same reason that you aren't calling - there is no reason to... and this no longer bothers you. Just as you aren't calling random strangers, your ex isn't calling you and you aren't calling your ex.

 

If they do call, it is typically out of weakness. Recognize this.

 

This might sound impossible. It certainly was for me, but I'm getting better at it. A few tips:

 

-Get rid of 100% of anything that reminds you of them. Gifts, pictures, blankets, plants, WHATEVER. If you don't want to throw them away at least get them out of your house. Put them in storage at a friend/family house for awhile. I recommend the trash bin myself. This proves to yourself that you are ready to move on. This is actions rather than words. This is taking control over your situation to make sure that you heal. Be willing to change everything if necessary.

 

Eventually you will start feeling better. Don't hold back either. If for some reason your brand of toothpaste reminds you of them, throw the tube away and buy a different one.

 

-Come up with some new things to think about. Remodelling your house? A new hobby? World peace? Whatever it is. Start thinking about this when you notice yourself thinking about your ex. Just switch over to this new thought and do it quickly. Force yourself to do it. Eventually you will start thinking about other things naturally without having to force it.

 

Now you are thinking about moving on rather than thinking about your ex. You are thinking about yourself. Sure you still have that "breakup feeling" but it is different. Eventually you will be moved on and you will stop thinking about this moving on process. However in the meantime, thinking about yourself and moving on is much better than wasting life thinking about your ex.

 

You might be scared that if you stop thinking about your ex that you will forget them. You will feel guilty for pushing away the good thoughts and for missing them. Don't worry about it. You can think about them fondly someday when you have healed.

 

Also people don't easily forget so don't worry about that. I remember a girl that I kissed in Kindergarten. I remember the girl I had a crush on in 5th grade. I remember somebody that I only went on two dates with. How in the world will one forget somebody that was spent years with? It doesn't make sense.

[yeawutever]

-Get rid of 100% of anything that reminds you of them. Gifts, pictures, blankets, plants, WHATEVER.

 

Yup, that work all the time, well almost, until you forget the NC process and accidently either call them or e-mail them. It's easy for some people to move on, harder for others. In my friend's case, she and her ex are still on contact as friend. Yet she tells me of how she wishes he would get back with her. However, they did kiss, so it's more than "just friend" thing.

[Relationship Coach]

JT,

 

Great thread, this will certainly help those who are struggling. You have added some great steps to help those in need move on.

 

RC

[bebecole]

thanks that made alot of sense and very helpful

[Holiday]

Does anyone think this sounds cultish? I am the devil's advocate, yes, but I think that there are more ways than one to skin a cat and to adopt this attitude without the least bit of skepticism is unhealthy. Just my 2 cents.

[Holiday]

I'm specifically referring to the must-do parts about deleting and destroying any memorabilia. It's an approach, and a good one for I'll estimate 40% of the general population in Western Societies. But it's not THE ANSWER. It's a method of denial.

[Holiday]

Furthermore, by not thinkng about WHY the relationship ended, one moves on too quickly and fails to reflect on his or her part in it's end. It's just careless in my opinion to deny the existence of this part of your lives. I hate the advice personally and find myself reacting viscerally to it. Am I just weak or is there something inside me that says it's just wrong?

[coollady1957]

Great post. I am sure it will help a lot of people sort through. There are many good points in there.

[JohnnyTable]

I'm specifically referring to the must-do parts about deleting and destroying any memorabilia. It's an approach, and a good one for I'll estimate 40% of the general population in Western Societies. But it's not THE ANSWER. It's a method of denial.

 

I didn't say that you had to destroy it. I said that you had to get rid of it, which means putting it in storage or at somebody elses place. You just have to be away from it. I only recommend destruction especially for replacable things.

 

The main gist of this thread is how to disconnect your brain from your ex. If you can do this by having their stuff around, then that is fine. For example I sleep under a blanket that she bought me and for some reason it doesn't have any connection that bothers me. Yet I had to throw away a toothbrush that I used to use at her house.

[JohnnyTable]

Furthermore, by not thinkng about WHY the relationship ended, one moves on too quickly and fails to reflect on his or her part in it's end. It's just careless in my opinion to deny the existence of this part of your lives. I hate the advice personally and find myself reacting viscerally to it. Am I just weak or is there something inside me that says it's just wrong?

 

I never said that one should not think about why the relationship ended. I said that people should STOP thinking about it. Most people on this board have been going over these thoughts for weeks or months at a time. It is pointless. They are not going to figure out anything more than they already have.

 

Of course you should experience the feelings of the breakup and determine why the relationship ended. But once you have done this, then move on. Moving on does not mean constantly thinking about why you broke up. You have already thought about that enough.

[JohnnyTable]

Yup, that work all the time, well almost, until you forget the NC process and accidently either call them or e-mail them. It's easy for some people to move on, harder for others. In my friend's case, she and her ex are still on contact as friend. Yet she tells me of how she wishes he would get back with her. However, they did kiss, so it's more than "just friend" thing.

 

Then your friend has not decided to move on. Otherwise they would not be making these wishes or kissing them. You must actually DECIDE to move on before you can.

[Relationship Coach]

Carolineq,

 

You are certainly entitled to your opinion and in saying that, I disagree with you.

 

Part of the healing process is in fact the cleansing process where you need to rid yourself of the potential shrine and boo-hoo support materials. No one is saying not to focus on or try to understand what caused the failure but in the initial stages it really does not matter. Putting yourself in a position of better clarity is what is needed here. Too many people cannot get themselves to move forward because they are living in the past and surrounded by items that keep their emotional focus on the past. Moving on is about moving forward and in order to do so, the past needs to go. When you are through healing you can certainly look back with better vision and dissect the issues or problems that were contributing factors to the demise of the relationship.

 

Each component to a failed relationship carries it's own cause and effect. A relationship for example that involves infidelity by the other person needs no examination, the fault lies with in the one that cheats. Yes there are lessons to be learned from failed relationships but that time will come after the healing process is long under way.

 

RC

[OceanEyes]

Don't read their emails (delete all of them - period)

 

This is very good advice, and I think would work very well if everyone was strong enough to do it.

 

I think that you can only learn these things through personal trial and error. It must be very difficult for people to just 'cut' someone out of their life. I know I'd probably find it nearly impossible.

 

One step at a time, right?

[Holiday]

Hey JohnnyTable and RC,

 

I didn't mean to sound harsh. I appreciate the feedback from both of you and agree to some extent.

 

I just wonder if you wholly advise against phasing the person out instead of drastically going NC.

 

My ex-husband tried to go NC and it never worked. I just remember the attempts seemed stupid and melodramatic. I feel like it's possibly more respectable to deal with the facts and enter a new phase without shutting the doors behind you. Just move on as the saying goes.

 

But I see what you both mean now and I can appreciate that there are some circumstances (if not most) in which this "drastic" approach is well-advised.

 

Ever hear people talk about the bible and all its answers? NC seems to be the answer for breakups here and it just makes me queezy.

 

SORRY AGAIN AND THANKS!

 

CarolineQ

[Relationship Coach]

Maybe your ex did NC for other reasons such as trying to get you back. This would certainly give you a bad perspective of NC! If I had cancer, I'd want them to cut it all out out once, not a little at a time! Same applies here, how can you focus on healing when they are somewhat still in the picture?

 

RC

[Holiday]

And I see the perspective you are upholding, RC. However, I'm not attending that church just yet.

[Daddy Bear]

i think that a cordial friendship should be the first choice for most breakups. NC is a serious thing and sends a harsh message to your ex that he or she is unfit to communicate with.

 

now, if you are suffering over the loss of someone then by all means i would agree with dismantling the shrine on your dresser or in your scrapbook. however, there will always be those triggers--a first name, a song, a certain park--that will remind you of that person, and i think that total avoidance of thinking about your loss is an fruitless goal.

 

it just seems healthier to come to some sort of positive terms about it: "well, i learned something about love," or, "hey, it was a good summer overall, what the hell," rather than taking drastic and immature measures like demonizing your ex, when we all know it usually takes two to tango.

 

i can think of a number of exceptions where i would readily and exclusively recommend a complete walling off, but seeing people childishly use NC as a weapon to 'gain the upper hand' or 'teach someone a lesson'--yeah, that does turn my stomach.

 

my main point of agreement with the OP is this: NC is not a tool for bringing someone back to you, it's a way to move on with your life. i have seen threads with titles like "how long should i do NC before she comes back?" and i feel truly sorry for those misguided folks because they just aren't getting the gist of it.

[Holiday]

Sorry, I couldn't resist. The whole NC thing was seeming ever so slightly more reasonable when I thought of the cancer analogy.

 

But then BINGO! Cancer is parasitic. A love relationship usually comes about symbiotically. So the comparison is not valid.

 

I can't imagine that the source of good could suddenly become toxic (like cancer) if both parties handle the information responsibly and remain truthful to each other. There would be no need to lie even after a breakup.

[majord23]

But then BINGO! Cancer is parasitic. A love relationship usually comes about symbiotically. So the comparison is not valid.

 

....but cancer isn't parasitic. Cancer = abnormal cell division. We all produce cells that are potentially cancerous but that are 'taken care of' by various means ('eaten' by macrophages etc.)

 

So, for me the comparison is valid. All relationships have aspects that could potentially become 'cancerous' but don't - because the individuals, together, are able to ensure that the healthy parts of the relationships are the ones that triumph over any 'abnormal cells'. But often this process breaks down.

 

Cancer basically equals 'good cells gone bad'...like I said, a valid comparison. A degree of 'cancer' exists in almost all relationships, just as it exists in all of our bodies - some are able to keep it at bay, many are not.

[toughtime]

I agree with you Johnny...but soo much easier said than done...

 

I am working on it...kinda...

 

Time also helps...

[JohnnyTable]

i think that a cordial friendship should be the first choice for most breakups. NC is a serious thing and sends a harsh message to your ex that he or she is unfit to communicate with.

 

There are many people who you do not communicate with. This is not because they are unfit to communicate with, rather you simply are not doing it for whatever reason. This includes not knowing them or wanting to get on with your life. The ex should understand this.

 

now, if you are suffering over the loss of someone then by all means i would agree with dismantling the shrine on your dresser or in your scrapbook. however, there will always be those triggers--a first name, a song, a certain park--that will remind you of that person, and i think that total avoidance of thinking about your loss is an fruitless goal.

 

Sure, there is no way to competely forget about somebody or not be reminded of them. However you can actively do as much as you can to move on from them. Then you can remember the good things and the positive things that they brought you in your life with a clear head. I think about my ex-ex often but it does not bother me, simply because I have moved on from her. I can think about her as much as I want now without any pain. My current ex however is another story since it is so new.

 

it just seems healthier to come to some sort of positive terms about it: "well, i learned something about love," or, "hey, it was a good summer overall, what the hell," rather than taking drastic and immature measures like demonizing your ex, when we all know it usually takes two to tango.

 

Who said anything about demonizing the ex? This is about moving on from them so that you can live a happy life. I love my ex and think that she is a great person. However I know that I cannot sit around for months or years thinking about them. It's already been months. Anymore thinking has little positive value right now.

 

i can think of a number of exceptions where i would readily and exclusively recommend a complete walling off, but seeing people childishly use NC as a weapon to 'gain the upper hand' or 'teach someone a lesson'--yeah, that does turn my stomach.

 

Yeah it is really sad to use NC as a weapon. It keeps you stuck there firing away at a person who is not even in the same universe as you are.

 

my main point of agreement with the OP is this: NC is not a tool for bringing someone back to you, it's a way to move on with your life. i have seen threads with titles like "how long should i do NC before she comes back?" and i feel truly sorry for those misguided folks because they just aren't getting the gist of it.

 

I agree. Once you come to the realization of what it is for, then it actually becomes a lot easier. You are no longer "waiting" for something. Rather you are living your life and simply not contacting the other person... just as you are living your life and not drilling holes into your head for fun.

[JohnnyTable]

I agree with you Johnny...but soo much easier said than done...

 

I am working on it...kinda...

 

Time also helps...

 

Time helps, but what I think is really helping is what you are doing during that time. If you sat in a padded room for years just thinking about your ex, then perhaps time is not helping you. If you take an active approach in getting what you want in your life and moving forward, then it is these activities which are happening "during the time" that are in fact helping you.

 

For example if you are stalking your ex, time will not be helping you. If you were travelling around, meeting new people, and enjoying your life, then of course time will be helping you!

[JohnnyTable]

A relationship for example that involves infidelity by the other person needs no examination, the fault lies with in the one that cheats.

 

I disagree with this somewhat. Sure the person which cheated is horrible. But why was the other person with somebody who cheats? Isn't there fault in this?

 

Sure if it is out of the blue then you might not have seen the warning signs. However I know many girls who are with guys or back with guys that cheated on them. So if they get cheated on again, then I blame them.

[Daddy Bear]

Sure the person which cheated is horrible. But why was the other person with somebody who cheats? Isn't there fault in this?

 

i keep wondering about this scenario: a man berates and psychologically abuses his wife and destroys her self-worth, but she is unable to leave him (say, for financial reasons). then an interloper comes along, falls for her and showers her with love and compassion. is the husband completely blameless if this woman finds herself over the line one day with man #2?

 

is everything really black and white, or are there in truth shades of gray?

 

to frame this in the context of Johnny's topic, isn't NC after infidelity often about a lack of forgiveness? is the answer to the question "can't we all just get along?" a resounding "NO"?

[JohnnyTable]

to frame this in the context of Johnny's topic, isn't NC after infidelity often about a lack of forgiveness? is the answer to the question "can't we all just get along?" a resounding "NO"?

 

You can forgive somebody, but that doesn't mean that you want to be talking to them. Just as you can love your ex but still not want to talk to them. NC really has nothing to do with them. It doesn't say anything about them. It has to do with YOU.