Leaving things open ended?

[hoboken12]

Here is a little poll. Do you think it is fair to leave things open ended at the end of a relationship? Without really giving reasons for breaking up? And even saying that you would want to get together again 'someday'?

 

I had an ex, that during a breakup she started dating another guy, even though it seemed that we were still trying to work it out. It bothered me too much to see her with someone else, so I left, No contact.

 

She told me that I was still the one that she wanted to marry, and that she would want to get back together someday.

 

The problem is I still think about her, and miss her terribly. But I can't bring myself to talk to her again because I think how she handled it was completely unfair.

 

Do you think it is fair to leave things open ended at the end of a relationship?

[dopexile]

Sometimes there's no need to spell things out. So it depends on the situation.

 

And that's a very generous offer of your ex girlfriend to go sleep with other guys and then come back to you for financial security after she is ready to settle down.

[kadvati79]

As they say mate... "nothing is fair in love and war". I think it is rare that you get a breakup where even ONE partner is completely fair. There is too much emotional hurt and pain on both sides, it clouds peoples judgement. People don't act rationally and retreat to coping mechanisms when they come under extreme stress like that. The dumper often feels the need to escape (into the arms of another helps that), the dumper often feels the need to reach out, to understand, to get the ever-elusive "closure".

 

So I think what happens, happens. And thats really all there is too it, nothing is fair in a breakup really.

[joyce1412]

ugh, i think it's TERRIBLE of the dumper to say, "maybe someday..." it's like he wants the dumpee to stay in the palm of his hand well after the relationship is over. the dumper probably thinks he is being generous by saying so, because in essense he is saying, "yes, i still feel something for you, or i think i might again," but i think it's just misleading and handicaps the dumpee in her attempts to move on and see others.

[Haven]

If she still wants to marry you, then why is she dating another guy? It doesn't add up.

 

I've gotten the "maybe someday" comment before, too. I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it. Especially since he has another girlfriend now, and never talks to me or our other mutual friends anymore. I think people should just say what they mean. None of the "Well, I like you, but I don't like you enough right now, but maybe someday I'll like you again, even though I'm going to go make out with this other girl in the meantime." That's just bull.

[Skippy]

i'll tell her to bugger off. GO crawl back under the rock that you came from.

She stepped over you and disrespected you. Nah, i wouldnt even let her finished that someday sentence.

I think everything has to be finsihed someway or another. So, in my opinion even though things doesnt need to be "spelt out", it has to be spelt out.

I think that i comes with maturity and character. We all make mistakes like that and learn the hard way.

[need2bme]

for some reason. I cannot seem to let things go. I always want to know why? I wonder if it is my morbid curiosity that gets the better of me. I think it may be a subconsious way of telling yourself that maybe it isn't over and maybe I can do something about it.

 

I always want to get closure, also because I can say what I feel.

[friscodj]

She told me that I was still the one that she wanted to marry, and that she would want to get back together someday.

 

I won't go into a general answer but I will address what you wrote here.

 

These words illustrate extreme selfishness and lack of respect for you. She thinks of you as her safety net, that she can shun the responsibility of being in a relationship with you but still have you at her will. The truth is, she moved on privately long before saying these things to you...

 

Basically, she is trying to use you. Plain and simple.

 

But the rub is that many infatuation-struck people think that by "being there" for the other person, they will prove themselves after which they will be loved by that person for whom they long. They wait and sacrifice themselves and their happiness for what they hope will be greater happiness down the road, when they get back together with you and live happily ever after.

 

So my advice to you is don't be a martyr for some wistful and logically baseless fairy tale dream. You tell her it's finished, period, end of story, and muster some dignity here.. come on man...snap out of the infatuation trance you're in and git 'er done...

[friscodj]

I always want to get closure, also because I can say what I feel.

 

You want closure? Two things I've done that have helped me:

 

1) Get together with her face-to-face and unload both barrels on her. Not only does this make you feel better but it can provide a stimulus for her to give it to you straight too. Hold nothing back...and then walk away and don't look back...

 

2) Analyze the crap out of everything and trust your better judgment to come up with an answer to what happened. Often times, this is the best way I've found...

[shes2smart]

Anytime you expect life (or other people for that matter) to be fair, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

There are more considerate ways to go about dealing with the unpleasant things in life (like break-ups) and less considerate ways to go about dealing with unpleasant things, too.

 

Your ex chose a less considerate way. IMO, the most considerate way to break-up is to close the door firmly, decisively, quickly and permanently. No throwing around the word "someday," no leaving the door open even just a crack. Shut it, lock it, throw away the key. It's the difference between tearing off a band-aid quickly or peeling it off a little bit at a time. Bite the bullet and rip that sucker off.

 

As for asking someone why they are breaking up with you...a lot of times their reasons won't seem "good enough" to anyone but themselves...and that's perfectly fine. Oh, sure, you can ask them why...but when you do, be aware that the answer you get probably won't satisfy you...no matter how many times you ask the question. Even if there was some specific incident that most would consider reasonable grounds for a break-up (like catching your partner cheating), even that's not a good enough reason for some people. I caught an ex of mine cheating on me...he still wanted to "work things out" and acted like he couldn't comprehend why I was leaving.

 

In the end, "closure" (and I hate that word) is something you give to yourself. You cannot get it from someone else, and no one else can give it to you. All it really is is acknowledging the relationship is over & done (permanently) and restructuring your life based on that reality.

[Mr Mister1]

Anytime you expect life (or other people for that matter) to be fair, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

I love that quote! Gold!

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I believe firmly closing the door after a breakup is the way to go. No "somedays," "who knows what the future will brings", or "I hope I can get my stuff straightened out and then we can be togethers..." It is mean and agonizing to the other person.

 

I have also learned there is never "good enough answers" as to why a relationship ended. The dumpee is not satisified and leads to more questions. That is why I am a huge advocate of NC. Looking for answers IMO is digging for pain.

[Skippy]

I so agree!!

[RayKay]

 

And that's a very generous offer of your ex girlfriend to go sleep with other guys and then come back to you for financial security after she is ready to settle down.

 

HA!

 

I agree, it is rather unfair to say things like "you are the one, just not right now"...I have had it SAID to me too. And it sucks! I also have dated men whom had ex's that had said those things to them and they were still messed up from it!

 

Even if someone whom is the dumper is not entirely sure, it's NOT fair to give that kind of false hope, while dating others. They know it keeps you hanging on, while they go do whatever they want.

 

Don't be a fallback guy/girl! Even if they spew that stuff at you, ignore it, go NC and take it as OVER. Make your own "closure".

[ladyj]

My bf just broke up with me last week and he said he loves me but is not sure what he wants right now. He told me that it's a "break" and that he wants to be on his own for a while (who know how long is a while). I am crushed since I have been in love with this guy since I've met him 4 yrs ago.

 

I thought our relationship was great and we were on the verge or buying a home. We already had the loan all we needed was the house. I'm copeing with it right now and on top of it I'm pregnant and still don't know what I'm going to do about it. He has not called me since we broke up and from I hear he's being going out a lot and hanging out with girls. People tell me that he probably got "cold feet" and just needs some time to reflect on what he really wants.

 

I think is unfair that he said we should take a break, since to me that means just some time apart but that within a short amount of time he will be willing to work things out. It hurts to let go, but I don't think he's coming back and it's unfair on his part to tell me that there might be a possibility for us once he clears his head. A break is a break up and he should let me go 100% so I can move on as well and have closure. Right now I'm hanging on to the little string he left open for me and it hurts. I don't know what to think and I miss him a lot.

 

I think when we get dumped we tend to focus so much on what we could have done differently to change the situation, but after the first week of my break up, I realize that there was nothing different that I could have done to change his mind. I catered to his need all the time and went the extra mile to make sure he was taken care off. I don't know what else I could have done to let him know how much I love him.

 

I think people change and are also afraid to let go of a person they have been with for a long time. They know they want to see if the grass is greener on the other side and want to hold on to you just in case it isn't. UNFAIR, yeah, that's unfair but when you're in love with the person is also hard to let them go. I'm struggleling with the whole situation and sometimes I think its unbearable. I have a great group friends that have been my shoulder to cry on, but there's nothing worse than the uncertainty of the unknown. This is why I believe is someone breaks up with you it should be a complete let go of the dumpee. If you are meant to be with one another, maybe in the future it will be again. Its not easy for me to say it, but I have to keep on saying it to myself in order to make it through my day.

[iceman85]

I agree with everyone here my ex keeps telling me that if things go this way then theres a chance or if either of us do this then there wont be a chance, that who knows what the future will bring. Best advice is to treat it like its over, cut contact with them. Their treating you horrible and thats not what you deserve. Go out and have a blast without them and if they realize they messed up then they will feel the pain they made you feel and you'll be the person better off for it. NC all the way, I know its the hardest thing in the world to let go of someone completley that you love and may think you still have a chance with, but you also have to have some dignity and self respect and not put up with what they want.