Help...

[angiec32]

Hi, im 17 in the uk. I was raped in a club easter holiday, and now im really struggling to cope. i have alot of feelings which i dont understand nore can i explain. i feel like im not living among this earth. i want me back but i cant find me. i've went to the police immediatley after it happened, they police didnt really support me and gave me a male doctor. the police have arrested the guy but he is on bail and now my case depends on the word of 2 independent witness. i've tried cousellin but it doesnt seem to help, i just come away from it feelin more angry and confused. my friends, some have supported me and some havent. I seem to have alot of trouble sleepin, and have lost weight but im not sure if that is down to what has happened. i have alot of other problems going on and constantly feel stressed. Since the incident happened, people have changed about how they see me and how they treat me. people who are suppose to kno me and be my friends dont kno what to say or do altho i understand, these are people i've let stay at my house borrow them things close people. i was just wonderin, i feel exhausted i dont want to go on no more. the fight is lost, nothin makes any sense. there ae hundreds of things goin on in my head and i jus wanna breathe and for them to go. IF ANYONE!! ANYONE. can give me some advice i dont kno what to do. i just want me back!

[melrich]

Hi Angiec,

 

I'm gald you came here, I am sure you will get lots of support from members.

 

It is terrible what you have been through and the reactions of the people around you must have made the whole thing seem so much worse.

 

First I'd say that the reactions of your friends are pretty normal. It is not about you, it is about the guilt and helplessness they feel. Some will find it difficult to be around you because of that. As hard as it is, try not to take that too personally.

 

You said you have seen counsellors. Were these psychiatrists or social workers. I ask this because you may need professional help to assist you to come to terms with what you have been through.

[Beyondthesea]

I am so incredibly sorry that this happened to you. All the symptoms you describe sound like PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That is completely understandable after what you have been through.

 

When something like this happens, the brain learns 'false beliefs' about the world, your safety, your friends/family and how you fit in. You are struggling through with lots of obsessive thoughts and worries and just plain mentally exhausted.

 

So what do you do about it? Continue with your counseling. I know you say it makes you angry, but it does that. All the feelings you have should not be repressed. As much as you want to forget everything, you need to go through this for now so that it doesn't bite you later. If you don't deal with these feelings and change your false beliefs, you will deal with a lot of problems later on.

 

Support groups, talking to friends and counselors, identifying with others who are going through the same thing WILL help. If you find you are really struggling, you should probably see your doctor about anti-depressants for the time being. This is only to help you deal with the painful feelings as you go through them, not to numb you.

 

You WILL feel better. You are struggling, that's to be expected.

 

Don't give up babe, we're here for you!

 

Give yourself a hug, and realize this has changed your life, but you are the same person. You need others to identify with what you are going through.

[angiec32]

the counsellor i saw, was a college couseller, and i have been to her before for past things. thank you for your response you have no idea how it feels to tell someone how i feel and they actually have a response to say apart from i dont kno what to say. i find that most time i try to confront the issue, i start crying, and start feelin him all over me again, and then i have to stop crying, but then its jus all in my head again. i hate feelin like a victim. my friends have changed i get lifes goes on, but im still dealin with what i feel. nothin seems to make sense. its my 18 birthday comin up soon. and i was consenplatin goin out but im worried. i kno i need to talk about what happened, and im sure ill probably feel relief. but i have alot of responsibilites i have 2 nieces who me and my mom look after also they live at my house so i dont even have my own room now. i feel like i want some time away. but i can jus pick up and go and even if i did i'd have no money to go nowhere. my friend was also raped a few years back and she has helped me but she isnt here at the moment. me and my mom didnt talk about everything thats happened. she said it was my own fault for the people i hang about with. from speakin to the police i dont feel my case is even been looked at. im so helpless!

[rose2summer]

Hi Angie,

I completely understand where you are coming from in every aspect, I was in your position 3 yrs. ago. I had been raped by a con-artist, and the police responded that since I was a virgin, maybe I just wanted sex, it hurt me so much when they said that, I was furious. I never missed work, I told my boss why I missed (I was being treated in a hospital for the physical wounds of rape), he began treating me poorly and eventually asked me to leave. I was so upset like you are. As much and as hard as it is to cope with, it will make you a stronger person. Many people will react poorly to rape, sad as it is, so I would save discussing it with people that you really trust. Don't feel obligated to open up to your friends if they are being distant or others, choose someone that you trust to open up to. wish I had great advice for you, but the best thing for me to do was fight back. Three years later (now), I have now decided to deal with it emotionally, I am going to seek counseling, and am talking to a different police department to handle the situation and get him behind bars. It is best to deal with it now than let it hinder your life. Take it one step at a time. But also remember, I know how you feel, and I am here for you, PM me anytime. I am always here to help. I can work through it with you.

[itsallgrand]

Please don't give up on councilling. You will get angry. You will get upset. You will feel like you are going through heck (I can't swear here As horrible as it is; it is normal to feel that way.

 

I highly suggest finding a pysch. or councillor who is trained specifically for sexual abuse survivors/trauma survivors. Make sure the person has experience working with the specific issues you are dealing with. Who/where did you find the person who is councilling you now? Was it set up through the police?

 

Easter Holiday...it is still very raw and fresh to you. Be easy to yourself, please. You experienced an extremely traumatic event. These things take time to work through. You do sound to be in a state of shock still: What have you been told? Have they recognized PSTD?

 

I'll help you and support you in absolutely any way I can. I was raped when I was 14. No one would believe me or knew how to help me at the time. So I suppressed it for years. By the time I was 20, it exploded and I could not sleep without having flashblacks that had me screaming in the night. I could not think, I felt like I could not breathe. I didn't know what was wrong with me or how to make it better. I felt ill, lost, exhausted, crazy, and horribly alone: even though I had good friends and a bf who supported me. He helped me to find a good therapist. He did a lot of things, bless him. And all this time I was pushing him away, having trouble letting anyone touch me, and all over the place emotionally.

 

Don't give up! Take it one day at a time. Is there one or two close friends or family members who understand and will watch out for you, help you through this? Hold on to them and allow them to help you as much as you can.

 

Angie, the experiences we have do not define who we are. You're still there; it's just hard to see yourself right now.

[Beyondthesea]

If I were you, I'd phone a woman's shelter or something similar and ask where they refer women who have been raped. The services they recommend will probably be free or nearly free, and they will know of support groups in your area. I know you think, "why does she keep talking about support groups?" You really need other people to acknowledge that they have or are going through the same waves of emotions and pain you are feeling.

 

A college counselor normally isn't a psychologist, only a student in psychology or master's student. I'm sure your counselor isn't doing a bad job with you I'm sure, but there are a lot of 'crisis counselors' as well as psychologists who specifically handle rape situations. They may be more qualified to help you through this.

 

You are not a victim, you are a survivor. Be sure to give a few places a call and see what they can offer you.

 

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link removed - references a hotline to call for support and advice

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[Relationship Coach]

Angiec,

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and I'm glad you found us. I don't really understand why the conviction would come down to the testimony of two witnesses, wasn't there physical evidence as well? The police should have been more sensitive and provided you with a female doctor as well as a female counselor trained in PTSD. You need to find someone (counselor/therapist) who you are comfortable with. This can take years to overcome and getting yourself back will take small steps. A conviction would certainly help but you can't limit your recovery to this.

 

Find a local support group in your area and use us as a secondary support system as well. As far as your friends go, they are confused as how they should act. They will come around.

 

RC

[melrich]

me and my mom didnt talk about everything thats happened. she said it was my own fault for the people i hang about with.

 

It's not your fault and you should never feel like it was.

 

the counsellor i saw, was a college couseller

 

I am not sure what sort of qualifications he/she would have but I'd suggest that you need to see a psychiatrist to help you with this. You have a major trauma to deal with and that requires profesional help.

 

Re. the police. Unfortunately for you this is a very personal and emotional event. For the police it is part of their job. I'm not saying they don't take a personal interest but they won't let that interfere with their professional approach. You said they have caught the guy. He got out on bail. That is probably not something the police have a lot of control over however f you really feel that they are not not pursuing this appropriately you can always write to you local parliamentarian and ask for their support.

 

Do you have a victims of crime support group in you area. Conatct them. They are usually very experienced in dealing with people in your situation and will have a better understanding of what you are goin gthrough than your friends and family.

 

Also there may be a victims of crime compensation fund that you can access to pay the costs of any counselling you may have to go through. You should speak to the local council about that.

 

In short you do need to get more professional help but you should also get active and angry about pursuing your rights. Taking this approach will help make you feel more empowered.

 

Again with your friends and family. They will really be struggling to understand what you are going through. They will be scared of it and they will be looking for logical explanantions for what has happened. They do not mean to be unsupportive of you.

[angiec32]

Thank you for ur help and advice. and i totally get what ur sayin

 

and i dont kno why, but the thought of what your sayin i can't bear, sometimes i jus wish someone could come and hold me so i could cry and cry, after the incident happened i cried for about 3 hours. i dont have no strenght no more. I've noticed over the last couples of days i just cant be bothered to talk, is that normal ? i dont feel worthy. i feel like im nothin. i feel like i expect to much from people, and all people seem to do is take of me and saw me down til there's nothin. i was suppose to fit my friends floor, and i couldnt do it and i was payed to do it. but then her and her mom was screwing understandable but i feel like i failed. i keep having sudden outburst of rage and been quite, or short and snappy. i cant hold myself together no longer. everytime i get up i get pushed down and i dont wanna get up no more. i'd rather say down. but thank you to all of you, cause atleast now some of my feelings are coming out.

[Beyondthesea]

All these feelings are completely normal, you have been through something very traumatic. You are angry, afraid and unnerved. That is completely understandable.

 

Please do check out those links I posted, and look into a more qualified counselor. If you call a crisis line they will refer you to someone who is qualified to help you. That is very important.

[angiec32]

Angiec,

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and I'm glad you found us. I don't really understand why the conviction would come down to the testimony of two witnesses, wasn't there physical evidence as well?

 

RC

 

There was enough evidence to me, my belts was broken and one left at the scene where it happened which police have taken. the was about belt where the buck has been broken from the pulling apart. there was rust and dust all down my trousers. there was scratches all over me and cuts, there was also blood over me, because he mad me bleed. but the police said it jus proves we had sex. I feel outraged, if u looked at me you could of seen what had happened. but the police say theres 2 stories to every story. its hopeless.

[Relationship Coach]

You are a victim of a terrible crime but you can either let this countinue to cause you pain or you can empower yourself and grow stronger from it. You are strong, you survived a horrendous act. You are going to get better and no one is going to hurt you again. Be positive and remember, this was not your fault!

 

RC

[KweenofDenyl]

Hi AngieC,

I don't know what is available in the UK (although Beyondthesea has a good list!) but I am a SASA (sexual assault survivor advocate) and am here for you.

It's crummy as he11 what your mom said to you and not what you need to hear.

If you have questions or just need to vent or whatever, I want you to know that I'm here. Just PM me.

-kween

[melrich]

I feel outraged, if u looked at me you could of seen what had happened. but the police say theres 2 stories to every story. its hopeless.

 

Angie, I think the fact that the police have charged the accused is a clear sign of what they are thinking. As I said before, sometimes they will take a very matter of fact approach because that is what they are trained to do. Their actions will speak louder than their words.

[Relationship Coach]

It sounds pretty clear that the sex was not consensual and I think your appointed council will go after this scum bag like a pitbull. We are in your corner and will help as best as we can.

 

RC

[angiec32]

Thank you all of you. I feel like ive found some answer. I really appreciate your support. )

[arwen]

Hey angie,

 

Please don't let the things the police says influence how you feel about this incident. It happened to you, and you know the truth about the situation, them denying it doesn't change the fact that it happened to you.

 

I am very sorry for your situation, it's a horrible violation to your person. I think the feelings you have are normal, you are confused and depressed, because you were in danger and someone hurt you. You will get better, I am sure. Please stay in counselling, if this therapist is not helping, find someone specialized in this topic, and seek a group of people who experienced the same. I think it will help to share experiences. Your friends will probably not understand how deep the pain of having sex against your will. They have not experienced the total power someone can have over you at that moment. I think the same holds for the police, although they should be professionals and handle this with more care. Sadly, a lot of stories of rape victims are the same, the police doesn't believe them, there is little evidence that it was actually against your will, etc. This doesn't mean you can't heal from this. It takes time, patience, and love for yourself to find back the person who you are. I think you can't change back to who you were before this happened, i.e. you will carry this incident with you. But you can put it behind you, and be the person you are with this incident in your history. Talk to us when you need. I am glad you sought help over here, it's a safe place to share your feelings. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[CluelessGuy321]

I don't understand why some people will emotionally distance themselves or negatively react to someone who's been raped. I really can't understand that...

[Tigris]

Angie the Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Centre phone number is 08451221331 I'm sure they'll be able to help you.

 

Also, I would make an appointment with your doctor and explain your mental health and they'll refer you to a counsellor trained in the right area.

 

Good luck and take care.

[notanymore]

dear angiec32

I am really sorry to hear about what happened. i can only provide you with hope and faith that , u ll come out of it, times are really tough but u ll make it through, i pray to god to give you strength to get back, please dont lose heart , hang in there.

[angiec32]

Hey people, ive been thinking bout what you all have said, but still am i unsure about everything. Im still having alot of sleeping trouble, im mostly awake all night and asleep allday. It's hard cause i'm not sure what im suppose to do. i dont kno the right thing. Even still everything i do seems to go wrong. I've tried to talk to some friends about me goin to see a pysch but then they quickly change the subject. * feelin really fed up *

[nottoogreen]

Hey people, ive been thinking bout what you all have said, but still am i unsure about everything. Im still having alot of sleeping trouble, im mostly awake all night and asleep allday. It's hard cause i'm not sure what im suppose to do. i dont kno the right thing. Even still everything i do seems to go wrong. I've tried to talk to some friends about me goin to see a pysch but then they quickly change the subject. * feelin really fed up *

Sorry Angie, It is ultimately frustrating to be let down be everyone, authorities, family and friends.

 

It makes my eyes water thinking about you alone in Birmingham. I was there for a day in the early 90s for a construction project.

 

The question is what you should do.

 

I found websites for you:

Go here and find a and contact a center nearby you removed[/i]

 

More Helplines.

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link removed

[nottoogreen]

... I found websites for you:

...

You should talk to link removed asap.

 

Here on the forum we will always be happy to listen and talk to you.

 

But I think you have to be very strong and I hope that link removed can help you.

 

Please post soon and update us.

[Tigris]

Please ring the telephone number I gave you in my previous post. They're very experienced and will know exactly what you need.

 

Don't try and handle this situation by yourself or it will haunt you for the rest of your life!