How do YOU cope with loneliness?

[Kevin T]

Let's roleplay for a moment:

 

You have a huge, gaping void in your life. You wake up miserable, you go to bed miserable. It hurts a great deal, but you can't make the pain go away (assuming you oppose suicide).

 

You're lonely, but there's nothing you can do about it. Everywhere you go, there are constant reminders that love exists and couples DO get together and are happy, but you're certainly not among them. Heck, you know you never will be.

 

You go home and cry yourself to sleep, only to awaken with the same horrible aftertaste of loneliness in your heart. You complain, but it does no good. You wish that you'd stop caring and become stoic to the point where being alone does not bother you, but it always does. You so dearly desire companionship, yet it always eludes you.

 

You're at the point where you'd sooner welcome the embrace of sweet Lady Death than you would go to bed alone one more night. You grow weary of waiting for something you know will never come.

 

So, my question is this, how do you cope with this neverending demon on your back called 'loneliness'?

[quietgrl]

It's hard dealing with loneliness especially if you never had a boyfriend in the first place.I don't know how it feel to be in a relationship.I never been given a chance.

I use to be able to handle my loneliness in my 20's but as i get older.I'm 36.It's hard.I cry,i get angry,I get frustrated but i have to live with the pain.I'm starting to realize women like me don't get chances in life.This is my life and it not going to change. I have my Tv and my computer.

[heloladies21]

Well if I felt that way, i'd look for resources to help me get better at attracting the opposite sex. You just have to be willing to do the work.

 

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[Torchbearer]

Get a hold of yourself. I'll guarantee that we are all hurting about the same, us victims of being left. The first thing I'd suggest is to get into some sort of spiritual development with a church and or support group. Then I'd make plans to do something at least 3 nights a week. Go to the bookstore and read and try to be good to yourself. Don't get down and put any unfair expectations on yourself that will cause you to think you've failed.

 

I usually wake up and ask God to guide me today. My own weaknesses make me start thinking about her and I'll admit that I'm miserable for awhile then I'll go numb and get busy at work. I go to the gym in the evenings and try to hang out with friends after that. Getting in good physical shape is a great way to help cope too.

[dopexile]

While there may be evidence of healthy relationships... This forum more than proves that people in relationships aren't always happy. Hell I often see couples and think how I am better off alone. It works both ways.

 

The best way to cope with loneliness is to defeat it. Make yourself become an interesting person that is worthwhile for everyone to meet and work on your social skills.. it's not an instant or easy process but you will eventually reap rewards

[renaissancewoman101]

I dont deal well with loneliness. I havent been dealing well with the loneliness I have been feeling since I moved out to San Diego. I spend a lot of time by myself, running errands, shopping, reading books. I have also been eating more as a way of coping with my loneliness. That isnt good because I have gained some serious poundage because of that

[chai714]

Kevin,

 

Doesn't seem like you're dealing with lonliness, but depression.

 

In my opinion, you can overcome depression by way of living a fulfilling life. Living a fulfilling life usually involves mingling with people of both the same sex and opposite sex. If you can, get involved in anything you can possible - join a sports league in a team setting, volunteer at a hospital (this will teach you that you have nothing to worry about because you'll see people dying to live a normal life), take a night course in something that interests you, work out or if you're already working out change up your routine, mentor a child or coach a team . . .I'm sure this can give you a good start.

 

The result of living a fulfilling life is happiness. Lonliness is a result of living a stagnant, immobile lifestyle and can easily lead to depression. So, get involved and see how it can positively affect your life. Good luck.

[Dako]

I go to a public place like a park, library, cafe or bar and watch people have fun. I don't care if it's not my own pleasure. It just reminds me there is a chance of joy for me. Even seeing lovers in the park reminds me of possibilities. I consider myself a depressed optimist.

 

I agree with Chai about depression being your real snag.

[orangecounty]

Kevin, the line "heck, you know you will never be," really struck me. You're creating your reality. I'm sure you don't want to be alone, I don't either. But I realize for ages now, I constantly told myself I wouldn't find anyone so I couldn't find anyone. I was totally setting myself up. That doesn't mean that once you think, hey, maybe I'll meet someone eventually, that she'll land on your doorstep. I'm 22, I've never had a boyfriend, there are some days that I am SO incredibly frusturated out of mind, completely fed up and at the end of my rope. But I still keep hope that I'll meet someone, its what gives me energy to keep an open mind and get out there and meet people. I started forcing myself to get out more often and I'm starting to meet people, I've made a lot of friends. I haven't snagged a boyfriend yet but it's nice just building friendships with people, and by meeting those people, I've met guys.

A girl I made friends with is trying to set me up with a nice guy and I'm trying to set her up with someone. So you see, the more people you meet, the more opportunities you'll receive. And I think you have to change that inner dialogue of yours, it can be incredibly damaging.

There's someone for everyone, and I truly believe that.

[Kevin T]

Loneliness, for me anyway, came when I realized I had no one in my life to share it with. Depression came afterwards, not before.

 

Loneliness is associated with a host of bad health problems, including depression. It is also associated with premature death, high blood pressure, higher stress levels, suicide, weaker immune system (thus more illnesses) and so on.

 

If I had someone great (emphasis on great), I would not be nearly as depressed. In fact, I believe I would not be depressed at all. And you'll never lead a fulfilled life single and alone. At least, I won't. Thus, depression. Giving someone surgery for a broken foot is useless when they have a broken hand.

[Kevin T]

As for meeting people, I've met a host of people. Between school, my different jobs over the years and the different churches I have attended, I've made many, many good friends. I keep in contact with a select few, but only once has any of them ever tried fixing me up with someone. And it failed. Miserably. This was a mere two days ago.

 

Optimism is great... if you have a reason to hope for something. If you don't, then aren't you (not you, but I) just kidding yourself (errh, myself)?

 

I heard it once said:

 

"I'd rather have the painful truth, than live a comfortable lie."

 

To that, I concur.

[renaissancewoman101]

KevinT, if you have met as much people as you say you have, and made many good friends, you shouldnt be feeling lonely. Loneliness is not solved by being in a relationship or having a bf/gf. You are lucky that you have friends and have those rich experiences of making friends. I have been out here in San Diego for about 5 months now. I dont have many friends out in CA. Most of my friends still live in the midwest or up in LA, so I feel kind of lonely out here and I am having a devil of a time going out and meeting people.

[Kevin T]

So, you are telling me that I cannot possibly feel lonely, nor can I long for companionship with another human being of the opposite sex since I have good friends?

 

Especially since pretty well every friend I have is married (causing me to feel like a third wheel whenever I am around them.) In fact, even the ones who are not married are not single. They are active daters, mostly all being involved in long term romances. So, I shouldn't feel the slightest bit of pain on the inside that they all have something I would kill for? Right.

[tmp0620]

Kevin, I feel weird giving anyone advice on ending loneliness but... if you can go out and meet new people (as you said you do) you'll find someone for sure. What makes you think you wouldn't?

[renaissancewoman101]

KevinT, I am not saying that you CANT feel lonely and long to meet someone of the opposite sex. What I am trying to say is that your life is not as pathetic as you make yourself out to be. You seem to be doing pretty good for yourself if you can make friends and DO have friends. Having a bf/gf is not the for all and end all of everything. It is a great thing but friendship is also good and does prevent loneliness on a lot of levels. I know that when I was living in Milwaukee and I had a decent amount of friends, I was doing pretty well and I wasnt lonely a lot even during the times I didnt have a relationship going on.

[Kevin T]

Haven't yet. I haven't had a serious, deep relationship with a girl in almost 5 years now. My last date was over 2 and a half years now.

 

I see many girls on a daily basis wherever I go. I honestly can't say why I don't appeal to them, but I can definitely say that I don't. thereforeeee, if no one wants to be with me, what shall I do? You can't make others like you if they don't.

[tmp0620]

In response to Renaissance woman: I think it may be different for everyone. I know if I had a bunch of friends (which I don't) and didn't have a girlfriend (which I don't) I would still be extremely lonely.

[Kevin T]

Having a bf/gf is not the for all and end all of everything. It is a great thing but friendship is also good and does prevent loneliness on a lot of levels. I know that when I was living in Milwaukee and I had a decent amount of friends, I was doing pretty well and I wasnt lonely a lot even during the times I didnt have a relationship going on.

 

Well, we are obviously very different people then.

 

For me, it is very important. I could be friends with everyone in the world, but it would still not change how I feel inside. Friends are nice, but that's all they are. A friend is not a lover, though a lover is a friend.

[tmp0620]

Haven't yet. I haven't had a serious, deep relationship with a girl in almost 5 years now. My last date was over 2 and a half years now.

 

I see many girls on a daily basis wherever I go. I honestly can't say why I don't appeal to them, but I can definitely say that I don't. thereforeeee, if no one wants to be with me, what shall I do? You can't make others like you if they don't.

 

Do you talk to all these girls that you see on a daily basis wherever you go?

[renaissancewoman101]

Kevin T, I know we are different. I was just trying to point some things out to you so that you wouldnt feel so bad. I do understand how you feel in terms of friends not cutting it, that you want the companionship of a lady. I know how that feels. I want a guy in my life. I miss having a bf and it bothers me a lot. Friends help to fill a large chunk of that loneliness but not everything. But now, living out here, I dont have a lot of friends and I definitely dont have a bf, so life out here is a lot more lonely .

 

I feel for you. I was just trying to point out some positives in your life. I have read some of your other threads and it seems you have been down on yourself lately. I know how that feels. I suffer from depression too and it prevents me from going out and making friends, doing things in a group setting. Instead, I tend to go the loner route and do mostly everything by myself.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Your too young of a guy, I wouldn't worry too much about how your life is going right now. I get it, no one wants to be alone, but what's the point of getting into a relationship if it's just to fill a void?

 

I realized at the last party I went to with my friend, this girl and her boyfriend of a year looked miserable. I mean, he was jealous other guys talking to her, then when she was on his lap she looked sad. BORED out of her freaking mind.

 

"Single and lonely, married and bored out of you mind, ain't no happiness no where."

 

I think if you just let it come to, take advantage of situations that come up to meet new people your be fine. You gotta be smart about it though.

 

Wait for it, so you know your good and ready..and happy..don't force it and be bored and regret you ever got into a relationship. Most of the time people you think are happy are just putting on a front, no ones life is perfect.

 

It's ups and downs. If there weren't any humps in life there would be nothing to get over.

[quietgrl]

I'm getting ready to wear garlic to get rid of bad people.LOL.My luck with people is sooo bad.I'm force to be alone

[Kevin T]

Do you talk to all these girls that you see on a daily basis wherever you go?

 

I wouldn't have time to talk to them all.

 

renaissance, I understand you're not a mean-spirited person. I take no offense, I'm just saying that if having good friends solved this problem, I wouldn't be unhappy with my life. I know where you're coming from, but it just doesn't help me. No, that's a lie. They DO help me, but I am still unhappy being by myself. I'm a very warm, romantic person. It's against my nature to be alone.

 

LetItBurn, age has nothing to do with it. Being unhappy and lonely can occur at any age, especially when you're someone who really ENJOYS being with another person, having that intimate connection. Having been there before, I can definitely say I feel empty without it.

 

As for being bored and married, make sure you marry the right person. If you're unhappy with them before being married, why would you marry them in the first place?

 

Whether you realize it or not and whether most people are aware of it or not (or would own up to it), most people do get involved with another person to fill a void. They may not even be conscious of it. After all, human beings are social creatures (animals, as they say) and naturally seek out companionship with others. It was the way they were created, the way they were designed. If people are forced to subdue their nature affections and innate desire for companionship, then what you get... is me. An unhappy, single loser (for lack of a better term).

[tmp0620]

I'm of the belief that nearly everyone can find someone if they're REALLY looking.

 

Do you talk to any of the girls that you see all the time everywhere?

[Kevin T]

I'm shy. But not without good reason.

 

Heck, if you get rejected by even girls you aren't attracted to, where does that leave you with the ones you DO like?