I just found out my boyfriend is gay.

[JadedStar]

Wow. I thought i was alone in this.

 

My bi gf, my soulmate, love of my life, who told me she wanted to marry me and have my children, realised she's gay. It still hurts like hell. I love her so much.

 

Up until that our relationship was wonderful, and her being bi made no difference at all.

 

The story is here if you're interested

 

Anyone here want to talk to someone about their own situation, feel free to pm.

 

This is the hesitation I would have in dating a bi person. I know we have bi people who will vehemently state they are simply that, but MANY (and i am old enough to have seen this a few times occur) claim to be bi for years as they are in denial over their true sexuality.

 

And I am not trying to open up any ugly debates, but I will state that I strongly believe the majority of bi people DO lean one way or the other, and many are gay. Again, don't beat me up over this generalization but it seems that women can truly live as bi more often then men wtihout being truly gay but many bi women lean towards the male sex as their main sexual interest anyway. Bi women who lean more closely to the female sex preference are the ones that I have known who announce they are lesbian one day and when bi lived in denial. Again, this is not everytime, just the experiences I HAVE seen over the years with people I have known and met along the way of life.

 

But truly you have to know the individual person before you could even make any guesses at a bi person's true sex preference and even then you could be wrong.

[tahia]

I’ve been with my guy for coming up to 6 weeks. We met at a Halloween party, and he was dressed as a woman, I guess that was a sign right there!

 

This weekend he told me he made out with a guy in front of friends around a year ago, he said he was turned on, but says he is not gay and wants to be with me exclusively. But he is 35 which is a bit late to be experimenting.

 

At first I tried to keep an open mind but I have decided to end it. At least we haven’t been together for years. I can recognise so many of thing things other woman are saying- he doesn’t like being naked in bed... he loses his erection all the time, doesn’t seem particularly interested in sex, or very forward with initiating. He also has a kind of soft voice, although he is not camp. We also have so much in common and have a lot of fun together; he is the loveliest, sweetest, man. But from the beginning I suspected something wasn’t right in the bedroom and dreamt he had a vagina rather than a penis. The sex is quite frequent and ok, once he gets going, but mainly because I like him so much, not because it is great in itself. I sense he is going through the motions a bit. He has trouble getting hard nearly every time, though eventually he manages it.

 

He also wants to hang out all the time and is eager to have lots of commitment, which other women have also mentioned. The other thing people have mentioned is how much love is often is these types of relationships. I also feel that. I love him a lot and he was also the first one to say it, there is so much affection between us, but I will always be wondering.

 

I have always had a fear of ending up with a gay man, and can not do that to myself. Maybe we can still be friends I don’t know. At least he has been honest with me. I don’t want to hurt him, but I won’t feel guilty for ending it. I honestly feel I have no choice.

 

I suppose I’m still in shock and will grieve- it’s the best relationship I've ever had, but maybe I always knew it was too good to be true.

[kelly76]

i am so sorry for what you are going thru. i was looking on the internet for answers to the question "is my boyfriend gay" and i was really touched by what you said. i logged on and joined this site just so i could reply to you.

 

i think my boyfriend is gay. i never noticed it my friends pointed it out to me. one night we were watching television and he stopped on a gay channel. so i asked him point blank "...are you gay?"...his response? "i don't think so." not a hetero answer. you had to be there to see the look. then i knew ...and wished i hadn't asked the question.

 

this is the man that you loved with all you had for three years. and now something out of both of your hands is ripping you apart. something that is so hard to come to terms with. for both of you. and something your boyfriend should be commmended for. you should feel proud that your relationship is so honest and strong that he can tell you. you should be and it sounds like you are,,,but you should be very proud of him.

 

i don't know you... but his feelings will only grow for men. for being with men. and it will be very hard for you to watch your boyfriend supress his feelings.

 

don't make him pay for being gay, don't make him pay by having a baby. that is a huge responsibility and if he is just coming to terms with his sexuality don't force a person to come to terms with having a child AS WELL.

 

it sounds like you are young. he is not the end all be all. you deserve to have the relationship you THOUGHT it was all along. the cold harsh truth is when he was intimate with you he was fantasizing abut another guy! not you! you are not the one he wants....he wants a man. let's be honest.

 

don't shortchange yourself. it will become frustrating AND it will seem unfair. it IS unfair to you AND him both. set him free and let him lead his own life. when one door closes another door opens. good luck.

[mekaluvspink]

you guys don't know how helpful this thread is. i thank God for you women and men telling your stories. so many ppl in the same situations feel so alone. im at work bawling (which is horrible cuz i workl in a call center) because i know this feeling. believe me, I KNOW. I desperately want toi tell someone but something like this is too big too open. i thought it was just me, my thing. I thank God for you all and i am praying for all of us. Thang God for you all. Thank you.

[mekaluvspink]

Just be there for him. He needs to know that you won't run away screaming and crying pervert! If he is gay/bi/curious he may not want to go that route, the same sex attraction might be there but the lifestyle may be undesireable to him. He may have been dealing with this for a long time he just needs to know if you'll be there for him. I only reccomend being there for him if you're strong enough. Things might come out that will hurt you deeply and could ruin future relationships for you. Me, I'm afraid every guy I'm interested in is attracted to males. I have bouts of depression monthly. But i\I'm still there for him because I love him and I'm strong enough to deal with the fact that we are ocer. I don't know if this helps you in anyway. Anger is usually the first response but everytime you bring it up or if he hints or makes comments make sure you are either supportive or you get out of there. This is all assuming he is gay/bi/curious. Whatever you do be prepared for the hurt either way. If he is it's all uphill and if he isn't it's all downhill.

[ATLstudent]

I'm sorry it feels so messed up when you feel so strongly about an individual but life circumstances create a separation or void in your relationship, I'm going through a very similar thing where I am the one who s gay/bi. I love a certain girl and i love her for exactly who she is, its the most love i have ever felt for someone, but i can't get my sexuality to match my heart, it sucks, i dont hold any emotions toward men either, so I feel pretty doomed...even when my soul mate is staring me right in the face.

[ATLstudent]

but love like this can surpass all of that, simply sex is fractured though

[unabashed]

Wow. I'm sorry for the pain of your relationship and breakup. Your post, however, comes off more as hateful and gay-bashing than anything else. Placing it in the gay and lesbian support forum instead of relationship support makes me feel you are are just here to be spiteful. I hope you get the support you need to move on and be happy, but I feel that your comments in here are uncalled for.

[mattysfun]

he likes * * * * .

be his best friend

find yourself a guy.

then find him one.

 

dont be silly

[lukeb]

..... i dont hold any emotions toward men either, so I feel pretty doomed...even when my soul mate is staring me right in the face.

 

For you I would be willing to bet it is just a question of meeting the right guy (gal?).

[Happiest26]

I'm new to this website, and just looking for someone to talk to. My boyfriend is gay, also. He told me too long ago, but I've just been pretending it's not real. I just need someone who's in the same "boat" as I am to talk to. I love him to death, but I think the love is a losing battle.

[Happiest26]

Silly question, but, what's the definition of "soul-mate".

[chiefoptimizer]

link removed

[scsgal]

Hi,

I just found out my boyfriend of six years is bi. I accidentally stumbled onto his secret and I say secret because he's been keeping this from me the whole six years. I know that he's been intimate with men although he won't say it. It was funny because I was so naive and couldn't figure out why he needed to get aids tests every year. I wasn't sleeping around to be at risk. He's also in a helping profession and he acts incredulous because of some of the secrets that people conceal. I think he was actually laughing at me with this little deception and those statements.

 

I know that he's bisexual because we've always had a great sex life. He tells me that he doesn't want to be "gay." But I couldn't believe that statement because I believe that your sexuality is a part of you. How do you turn off the attraction?

 

I'm an open-minded person and I just wish that he had spoken to me about this instead of me finding out. I feel so used and betrayed. We are still together, but I don't know that this relationship will make it. I want him to be open and honest with me now so we can see if we can incorporate this into our relationship somehow, but he refuses to talk with me and only gets defensive. I even told him that I would be open to having a threesome if he wanted to try that, but he doesn't say much about that.

 

My stomach is in knots and I'm not sure what to do next. Does anyone have any ideas?

 

Thanks.

[FathomFear]

I'm an open-minded person and I just wish that he had spoken to me about this instead of me finding out. I feel so used and betrayed. We are still together, but I don't know that this relationship will make it. I want him to be open and honest with me now so we can see if we can incorporate this into our relationship somehow, but he refuses to talk with me and only gets defensive. I even told him that I would be open to having a threesome if he wanted to try that, but he doesn't say much about that.

 

My stomach is in knots and I'm not sure what to do next. Does anyone have any ideas?

 

Thanks.

 

First, you have every right to feel the feelings you have. What you are going through is painful and there is no reason to pretend otherwise.

 

However, I will say that the feelings your boyfriend has can be incredibly difficult to deal with. It is entirely possible he is still struggling with them himself, which would explain why he isn't quite at the point where he can talk about them.

 

There is also the added factor that male bisexuality is far, far more taboo than female bisexuality. Whereas women can have experiences with other women and not be made to feel ashamed, men tend to be stigmatized if they do the same. Here's a good 5-minute clip on the topic: &

[scsgal]

Thank you, Fathom. Your point is true as I have had bi experiences myself although my preference is for men. My bf knows this about me too.

[muffinhead]

This site is so helpful to so many of us! WOW, I had NO IDEA this was happening with so many couples! Of course, you guessed it, this is happening to me, too! I'm still not sure what's going to happen with us, however, I do know one thing for sure - This site, and all of you who have the courage to share your stories, have been such a blessing to me. For obvious reasons, I can't talk about this with anyone I know. To have somewhere to turn, share my story and get some sort of help, well, it's honestly what's getting me through this dark time.

 

Here's to taking it one day at a time and staying strong.

 

Sending good vibes to everyone in this situation!

[tzad]

I know that this post was a really really long time ago, but my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years told me today that he was gay after i had found some very scary emails between him and another male and i have no idea what do to, I am completely lost. He tells me that he loves me very much and he never wanted me to know. He says that he still plans on marrying me and having children with me and that i am the only one that he is attracted to. I just dont know how he can say this and say that he is gay? I would please like some guidance on what to do because i have never hurt so much in my life. i would appreciate any and all comments.

[ceez]

he might be in deep denial or bi. was he planning on meeting up with this guy? if he did then cheating is cheating no mater what the sexual orientation.

[FathomFear]

I know that this post was a really really long time ago, but my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years told me today that he was gay after i had found some very scary emails between him and another male and i have no idea what do to, I am completely lost. He tells me that he loves me very much and he never wanted me to know. He says that he still plans on marrying me and having children with me and that i am the only one that he is attracted to. I just dont know how he can say this and say that he is gay? I would please like some guidance on what to do because i have never hurt so much in my life. i would appreciate any and all comments.

 

His reaction is not uncommon. Assuming for a moment he's gay and not bi, he is likely holding on to a vision of leading a "straight life". Getting married, having 2.5 kids, etc.

 

All I'll say is that this is just another phase of denial. If you do love him I would try to support him as much as possible. Express to him that you both deserve happiness. You deserve to find a man who loves you and is attracted to you, and he deserves to find a man who loves him. I know you're probably hurting quite a bit right now, but just try to focus on the fact that he did not intentionally do this to you. Society did, via its heteronormative expectations.

[tzad]

he says that he never actually met with the guy but i dont know if i believe it of not. He spent all yesterday saying that i was the one that he wanted to be with and thats all that should matter. He said yesterday that he thinks hes gay because hes not attracted to anyone but me which doesn't make any sense to me. I just dont know what to do.

[ceez]

yea that doesn't make any sense to me either. maybe you could try to encourage him to come out or something.

[dilmi_b2003]

Hi!!! I am also one of them who is sffering cos of the person that i love is Bi. We actually being married for 2 years and have 10 months year old cute boy. He never told me that he was gay/BI and i just found that out. However, i always had my doubts on it. the exact things that most of you have expreienced when it comes to the sex i also have experienced and i thought all that was normal. But not i know its not and all him loosing the erection etc etc happened just cos he is BI.

 

My problem i just dont want my little son to grow up in a broken family without a father. that idea just kills me and i am so very confused as to what to do. I am asking the god strength everyday for to cope up with this problem and find a solution that would work for all of us. In a way i am relieved that i am not alone here

[hello1]

I know that this post is old but i think reading it has helped me, i have after 2 and a half years found out my boyf is gay, i am so devasted because i feel he has led me on i feel i should hate him for what he has done to me but i cant because i feel for him as he wants to be the person he was with me but says he cant put me through it anymore. i have been through one previous break up and that was hard but this is totally different and i cant come to term with it i havent stopped crying, i cnt go to work i feel at a total loss.

 

He says he is so sorry for hurting me and he did love me but cant answer anymore of my questions only that he has always known and he couldnt do it to me anymore. the biggest reason i am so sad that there is no hope we can ever be together again he and i would be lying to ourselves if we ever thought we could. I so desperatly want to be there for him and i think he does for me but i still am in love with him and feel i would never move on. His family want to stay in touch with me and i want that to but will it be too hard??

 

 

 

He is an amazing guy and we talked about having children one day and getting married why would he do that? No words can describe what im goin through as many of you know but i now no im not the only one. Its so hard because my friend try to comfort me but are all so shocked themselves no one can believe it he never showed any signs and says he has never been with a man or had feelings for one particular man. How is he gay then? he says he just knows and cant deny it anymore. I am too sad and feel like he has died because we will never share an intimate moment again i dont want to have to move on

[FathomFear]

He is an amazing guy and we talked about having children one day and getting married why would he do that?

 

Because he felt pressure from all directions to lead a straight life. Books, movies, family, TV commercials, sports locker rooms--it's everywhere. You're considered straight until proven otherwise. It's "the norm". As a result, people who are not straight often "closet" themselves--a stage of very deep denial where they suppress emotions inside them and act out in ways that they believe they should be. Luckily some gays and lesbians break out of it before it progresses too far. Some aren't so lucky, though, and end up in long-term heterosexual relationships and even have kids before finally coming to terms with the feelings.

 

Its so hard because my friend try to comfort me but are all so shocked themselves no one can believe it he never showed any signs and says he has never been with a man or had feelings for one particular man. How is he gay then? he says he just knows and cant deny it anymore.

 

When you're deeply closeted you have sexual thoughts/feelings for the same-sex in general but tend not to focus it through individual people, as that becomes too difficult to accept. They are just feelings lurking under the surface which you constantly try to deny and ignore. Eventually it becomes too much, though.

 

I know you must be devestated. Try not to direct your feelings about what "he" did to you. The bulk of the blame needs to be directed at social expectations, ones which pressured him into acting this way. I would recommend creating some distance between yourself at least for a little bit so you can heal, and then take steps to support him moving forward. Maybe offer to go to a PFLAG meeting, etc. It would likely help to hear stories from others who have gone through what you're going through now.