I just found out my boyfriend is gay.

[hello1]

thankyou for your reply i do feel some assurance frm reading peoples stories but this pain just wont go away, i felt normal for a second yesterday after i had booked a holiday to get away but then a little later the pain was still there. i wish i could see the light but that doesnt seem possible yet xx

[hello1]

i wrote on here just a bit ago when i was told by my boyf he was gay. We have had a break and lots of time to think he told me he was bi after he had thought about it endlesly, we have since spoke a lot and are considering being together. I know i can trust him which seems to be everyones issue when i tell them. I know he loves me and i couldnt love anyone anymore. I just want the opionion of a stranger to see what peoples general opinion on my situation is. x

[handyandy67]

@hello1, I don't want to make you feel worse but in all honestly, it sounds like he's backtracking. Sometimes the enormity of coming out if just too much for some people and they tuck their heads back into their shell. I wouldn't trust that he says he's bi. It's up to you, but think how hurt you will be in five years time if it turns out he is gay after all. You deserve more than that.

[Milly444]

I've been with my fiance for 8 years, but we have know each other since we were in year 4. I was instantly in love with him the momen i first saw him, when i was 9. When we were in year 10 he finally asked me out and it was the best moment of my life, i honestly couldn't believe it. Two years into our relationship i was heling him clean up his room, gettin ready for a renovation, and i found some porn, gay porn. I asked him what it was all about and he said it was a prank his dad's work mates played on him because they always called him gay. (also, whenever, ANYONE meets him for the first time, they ALL say i thought he was gay)

So i let that go and moved on, however over time i found more, more dvds, magazines, pages visited on the web. I have no problems with him being gay if he is, it's just that when we have our big sit down and talk about these things, i give him soooo many chances to just be honest and tell me about it. But everytime, he swares, crying his heart out, it isn't like that and the he loves me, wants to be with me marry me have children with me etc. And everytime i believe him and say well if that's how it is then stop looking at this * * * * . We had our last big sit down about this just before christmas 2010 (so already this is 6 years i've been dealin with this) and in that discussion there was gay singles membership history on his pc and i asked him about it he swore on my life & his life that he wasn't a member.

Then just 2 nights ago i go on to the computer and find out he is a member of not one but several gay singles in ur area sites. I asked him to log into his hotmail account so i can see the messages and i found the motherload. He has instigated chat to other member, his display picture is his manhood and he's even sent videos of himself as well as recieved photos and videos. Now so far he claims he hasn't met up with anyone or planned it but how do i honestly know thats the truth because this is the same story every time.

So yet again, had another big sit down where we were both bawling our eyes out, and he finally said, ok maybe i might be bi. So i asked him if maybe meant yes and he said yes and he's known since 15 or 16. But he pleaded not to break up, that he loves me so much wants to marry me have children and grow old, but i don't know if i can keep doing this. Already i am considering self harm because he is such a big part of my life and i feel like i'm losing him. We moved in together just almost 2 years ago when my parents offered us to rent their house while they moved to a 14hr drive away for work relocations. If he leaves i will be alone, in a big house. I also only have 1 friend because him and i keep to ourselves because he doesn't like going out because he works 50 hours a week (he is the manager of our work) so i am COMPLETELY lost. What do i do, i can't tell my best friend because i fear she will tell others, i don't want to tell my family, because they are very old school like anti gay (even though my younger brother has recently come out saying he is gay)

I'm just so worked up about this. I can't sleep, i've only slept 4 hours in the last 3 days, i can't eat, i keep seeing the vootage of his videos he's sent in my head over and over again. Even if we got to the shops and he has to go to the toilet i'm worry he's up to no good int there. What do i do? What do i bloody do? I know i love him and wat to be with him, but this changed everything. I have told him we can never marry because he will just leave me for a man one day. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

[Milly444]

I've been with my fiance for 8 years, but we have know each other since we were in year 4. I was instantly in love with him the momen i first saw him, when i was 9. When we were in year 10 he finally asked me out and it was the best moment of my life, i honestly couldn't believe it. Two years into our relationship i was heling him clean up his room, gettin ready for a renovation, and i found some porn, gay porn. I asked him what it was all about and he said it was a prank his dad's work mates played on him because they always called him gay. (also, whenever, ANYONE meets him for the first time, they ALL say i thought he was gay)

So i let that go and moved on, however over time i found more, more dvds, magazines, pages visited on the web. I have no problems with him being gay if he is, it's just that when we have our big sit down and talk about these things, i give him soooo many chances to just be honest and tell me about it. But everytime, he swares, crying his heart out, it isn't like that and the he loves me, wants to be with me marry me have children with me etc. And everytime i believe him and say well if that's how it is then stop looking at this * * * * . We had our last big sit down about this just before christmas 2010 (so already this is 6 years i've been dealin with this) and in that discussion there was gay singles membership history on his pc and i asked him about it he swore on my life & his life that he wasn't a member.

Then just 2 nights ago i go on to the computer and find out he is a member of not one but several gay singles in ur area sites. I asked him to log into his hotmail account so i can see the messages and i found the motherload. He has instigated chat to other member, his display picture is his manhood and he's even sent videos of himself as well as recieved photos and videos. Now so far he claims he hasn't met up with anyone or planned it but how do i honestly know thats the truth because this is the same story every time.

So yet again, had another big sit down where we were both bawling our eyes out, and he finally said, ok maybe i might be bi. So i asked him if maybe meant yes and he said yes and he's known since 15 or 16. But he pleaded not to break up, that he loves me so much wants to marry me have children and grow old, but i don't know if i can keep doing this. Already i am considering self harm because he is such a big part of my life and i feel like i'm losing him. We moved in together just almost 2 years ago when my parents offered us to rent their house while they moved to a 14hr drive away for work relocations. If he leaves i will be alone, in a big house. I also only have 1 friend because him and i keep to ourselves because he doesn't like going out because he works 50 hours a week (he is the manager of our work) so i am COMPLETELY lost. What do i do, i can't tell my best friend because i fear she will tell others, i don't want to tell my family, because they are very old school like anti gay (even though my younger brother has recently come out saying he is gay)

I'm just so worked up about this. I can't sleep, i've only slept 4 hours in the last 3 days, i can't eat, i keep seeing the vootage of his videos he's sent in my head over and over again. Even if we got to the shops and he has to go to the toilet i'm worry he's up to no good int there. What do i do? What do i bloody do? I know i love him and wat to be with him, but this changed everything. I have told him we can never marry because he will just leave me for a man one day. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

[ceez]

have you guys ever considered couples counseling?

[Milly444]

well actually he's suggested that just the other day. So much more has come out since i first posted. I've now found out he's met up with some guys and he swares it has only been light mucking around. Such as giving and recieving bj's at glory holes in public toilets. He says he's never told me this because of the fear of losing me. The most recent one was just in december, a month ago. So i've told him he needs to go get tested for STD/STI's just incase and he just started bawling. He said, "i'm so sorry i've let it get to this, i'm so sorry i've risked our relationship and our health. I'm so sorry". The worst part about it for me, was on of the met ups he was recieving a bj...FROM A OLD MAN! A dirty disguisting probable disease ridden old man. I held it together best i could but monday night i let rip. I was cruel and angry saying things i was feeling and threatening him. I meant it on some level, but at the same time, i wouldn't have said this if i wasn't FREAKING out like I am. So he said, would you like to go see a counsellor so we can work through this? I said no, only because i feel they only want to medicate and judge. So i don't know. I've een calling in sick to work all week because i've been too afraid to leave him alone on his days off and i've not been comfortable going to work. Gross i know, but i have really bad diarohea from the stress. I just honestly don't know what to do. We've made up, had fantastic sex, the other night we "made love" for the first time in atleast 3 years, all other sex has been just that, sex. No emotion, no connection, but the other night was incredible. We've both started talking about what we would like to do in the bedroom and playin out some fantasies and honestly it has been the best thing. I can feel the love, the passion, the intrigue when for the last 3 years it's over and done with in about 5 mins. Just last night foreplay alone went for 1hr & a1/2! It feels so different, like how it used to be when we were 17, 18. But is this worth saving and trying to work out? Am i always going to be worrying? Am i alsways goin to be fearing the worst? Is he being honest?

[Milly444]

i know exactly what pain you speak of. I tried describing it to my partner becuase he wanted to know how i was feeling inside with everything we are going through (see below) It's honestly the most depressing gut wrenching feeling in the whole world. I had a fantastic day on tuesday, no fear no uncertaintiy, no doubts, but yesterday (wednesday) was absolutely horrible. It was his first day back at work since i knew the WHOLE story of what's been going on. Turns out he's been cheating on me with men, at least 4. And i know the pain. It has taken me a whole lot to get to this point with myself and cop up to how i'm really feeling, not just trying to make him feel better. YOU need to get out how YOU feel and NOT WORRY about he is going to feel when you tell him, because he needs to know. So here is mine, I am devistated, destroyed. But i want to rebuild, it's just the trust is going to be brutal. The only thing i can do, is wait. Let time take it's course, and see how i go and re-evaluate later. For now, i must be honest with me. I hope this helps, i really do, i wouldn't even wish this on an enemy.

[JazzTheme]

What do i do? What do i bloody do? I know i love him and wat to be with him, but this changed everything. I have told him we can never marry because he will just leave me for a man one day. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

 

If he's bi, nothing has changed. He's still attracted to you, and he's not suddenly going to leave you for a man anymore than a straight male would suddenly up and leave you for a woman, just because he remains attracted to other women. He's made some wrong decisions behind your back, but what he can choose to do now is to avoid putting himself in those situations again. However, he needs to see that you understand him, and that can only happen when you realize that this is an issue of infidelity, not bisexuality.

[Smile4ne1]

I would like to thank everyone on this thread for sharing your stories, they have really helped me feel less alone in my situation. My boyfriend of 3 years told me that he was gay yesterday. He said that he liked boys and one girl(me), and that he still loved me more than anything but he felt guilty and felt he was only giving me 75% of his heart. He is my world and I can't imagine leaving him, he was my first love. I want to stand by him and I do not love him any less, but I still have that fear that he will lose his attraction to me. He is so precious to me, it hurts like hell.

 

I send my hopes and prayers to everyone here, and I ask that some of you send some my way please.

[allandnothing]

Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories here. Somehow it helps to know that there are other people out there in this situation.

[skymning]

I'm glad I found this thrad beacuse I feel so alone with this problem. Me and my ex (since one week ago ) have been together for 7 years, lived together for 4, we are booth 26 yrs. Everything have been great from the start, he is my soulmate as some describes it here. We think alike, like the same things, want the same things in life, sex life have been great etc. Early on he told me he was bi, and that's fine for me.

 

3 months ago he got depressed and confused about everything, his life, job, and said he doesn't know how he feels about me, that he doesn't know how he feals about anything right now. But we tried working on it but it felt like I was the only one who tried. I know now he met this other gay guy once in a group of friends that he felt attracted to, but they're just friends (this other guy is like 20, stereotypical gay and engaged with another). Last week he told me he thinks he's gay and I have lived with my mother this past week. He said he feels no attraction to women anymore and can never se himself with a woman after this. And well, I could never ever see that coming. He is far from being any gay stereotypical, and well not all gays are. But I could never guess it. I don't understand how he could have been so in love with me, feel the same strong love as I have right from the start and we have never had any sex problems or any other problems for that matter. In 7 yrs, this is our first "crisis".

 

I'm trying to not tell myself that he's just confused right now, and at the same time I want to support him. But I'm so broken down by this. I love him so much and can't understand how he can be gay when our relationship have been so great in every way. I can't see myself ever being in a relationship as great as this ever again. How is that even possible? We have been looking for a house together, he is the one I want to marry and spend my life with. But how do I know if he really is gay or just confused. I'd rather be single my whole life if I can't have him.

 

How can someone be in such denial that they have no problem being attracted to the opposite sex? He have always got a boner (sry) fast when I have touched him. He prefers and used to be attracted to women with long black hair. But how can that even be possible if he is gay?! He has never even ben in love with a man, My thoughts is that by meeting this gay guy made him confused in his sexual orientation. Is this only a mid-life crisis? Maybe I'm the one in denial?

[TotoroIsDead]

Two days ago, my boyfriend of a long time dumped me. He said that we "just didn't have enough in common". I was so confused because we have a LOT in common, everything was going perfectly and he even mentioned marriage a few days previously. However, I found out yesterday from a friend who goes to his college that he had been cheating on me with a boy and he broke up with me to persue a relationship with this boy. I had no idea he was gay/bisexual.

 

My ex-boyfriend has made no attempt to tell me about his newfound sexuality and is apparently very public about it and is now with the guy he cheated on me with. I am so hurt, humiliated and angry. Everybody is telling me it is just a phase he is going through while he "experiments" with being with a guy and that he will come running back to me in a few days. However, i just think they are being nice because that is what they think i want to hear.

 

I almost nolonger recognise him as the sweet kind funny boy that i dated. A mutual friend of ours has said he has "been acting increasingly strange for months" and agrees it is not like him. The friend also tells me that my ex IS planning to eventually tell me that he is gay/bi after he comes out to his family.

 

I don't know whether to support him dispite the lies, cheating and complete lack of consideration? All our friends are telling me not to because i did nothing wrong and he has completely betrayed me. Or should i tell him how angry and upset i am that he couldn't even be honest with me when he dumped me? The thought of them together makes me feel physically sick and i want nothing more than to have him back.

 

Even if i do tell him what he has done to me, i am affraid i will scare him off so that we can't even be friends.

 

Please help xxxxxxxxxx

[TotoroIsDead]

skymning

I know exactly how you feel! (see thread below) I only joined this website because of my problem which is almost identical to yours, except I am 18

[until I sleep]

i've been there too.i was with a boy for two and a half years and we got along just fine i never suspected that he might be gay.even at sex we didn't have any problem.until one day we broke up for a very stupid reason and we stopped talking after that.we started talking again after a year and six months and i realised i wasn't over him.i hoped that this was an attempt on his side to be together again.but i thought that he was hiding something from me and yesterday i asked him what was going on and he told me the truth.i was shocked!he told me that he loved me though and until the last moment he thought of marriage and stuff.he didn't used me as a cover so that noone would realise that he was gay but in the end he got tired of pretending something that he wasn't so ww broke up.we decided that we should remain friends but i am still not over him and i feel that my world has turned upside down.i am devastated.i love him so much even after all this time and i really feel that we are soulmates.but we will never be able to be together again...

[kkat2813]

same here. hkgk

[rdnero]

I actually found out today that my boyfriend is gay. He skyped me and had a letter written and read it to me. I feel like the last 2 years and a bit of our relationship have been a lie. I still love him and really want to hate him right now but I can't because I keep thinking about what he must be feeling. I can't imagine spending your whole life dating numerous girls and then waking up and saying your gay. Whats hurting the most is that he said he's been feeling this way for the last few months, so every kiss, every hug, and every "I love you" was a lie. I've been with him for so long that everything I own, that I watch on tv, my car all reminds me of him. And these are all things I can't get rid of. I'm really confused and could really use some advice on what to do.

Thanks

[patricia71]

my boyfriend watches gay porn and goes to gay parties and gay bars, he doesnt know i know, i went into his phone and his email and saw proof, i feel devastated i loved him with every thing in me, i pictured us old together, when i first saw the gay porn on his laptop it bother me and i asked him if he was gay and the first thing he said was "why do u ask that" no denial nothing, i mentioned the gay porn and he never really gave me a real explaination, we are christian and i thought we were being true to our faith when we abstained from sex, even though we had already, but things started to click after all this and i decieded to end it but he keeps coming back begging for another chance and professing undying love, i talked myself into thinking it was just a phase, but i kept checking his email and saw an RSVP to a gay party next week, so i ended it, he say to give us a chance but all i feel is nothing, if you love me why would you put me through this and possibly endanger my life , he has no idea i know so much, i cant even look at him, i feel so much emotions, anger, disgust, hate, love, betrayal, i never want to talk to him or see him again, i just want him to leave me alone but he doesnt give up, the lies, i loved him but i hate him more for this.

[jayybird]

My boyfriend and i have been best friends for 7 years and we've been dating for 5. a couple weeks ago after digging through his email i confronted him and asked him if he was gay and he said yes. we broke up but are still best friends and are living together and sharing a bed. this is the worst pain ive ever felt in my life! No matter how much he denies it, i feel like the past 5 years have been a lie. i still love him so much and i wish this was a dream!!! he said the reason it took him so long to tell me is because he cant live without our friendship but i deserve better. can someone tell me how you go from your bestfriend to someone else??

[ut804]

All you ladies need to leave your boyfriend if you find out he is a gay. I am not understanding this "well its just a bump in the the relationship." THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP THEN IT'S JUST A FREINDSHIP.

 

If he is gay he is not sexually attracted to you and it was all a lie, why stay?

 

Also, sure it is hard for him but it's totally selfish. If you are gay and are in fear and can't come out, then just STAY SINGLE. Why lie to your girlfriend? And no one wakes up gay, they are born that way (biological differences in the brain) so it's not like they just turned gay and decided to tell you. It's something that they hid from you which isn't nice.

 

Please find yourselves a straight man who is actually attracted to you and you can have a REAL relationship with. Then just be friends with your ex.

 

Sorry if sounds harsh but some girls need to wake up. They may "love you" but they are NOT "IN love" with you.

 

I see my friend in a relationship with a gay man and it just breaks my heart which is why im really passionate about this...

[jayybird]

hey everyone i could really use someone to talk to that somewhat understands what im going through and it seems like some of you do... please email me at

 

 

im not a creepy person lol... i could just really use a friend that somewhat understands cause as we know, this isn't something every gets.. if you have a useful advice or want to chat about our situations, i can try to help you too

[FathomFear]

Also, sure it is hard for him but it's totally selfish. If you are gay and are in fear and can't come out, then just STAY SINGLE. Why lie to your girlfriend? And no one wakes up gay, they are born that way (biological differences in the brain) so it's not like they just turned gay and decided to tell you. It's something that they hid from you which isn't nice.

 

Not to be rude, but this is a relatively naive understanding of what it's like to be in the closet. While it is no doubt certainly true that some gays and lesbians know they're gay/lesbian and decide to engage in straight relationships as a facade, most are doing that being they are in complete denial. They seek out opposite-sex partners because they've convinced themselves that's what they are and what they must do. It's not a conscious "lie" or fabrication.

 

Eventually the walls break down, and the self-denial starts to erode away. For some it's a much longer process than other. I was deeply in the closet until the age of 22. I told myself all sorts of things to explain myself until then. I told myself that I only liked looking at guys because I was envious of their bodies. I told myself that I wasn't attracted to women because I was just picky and hadn't found the right one yet. Etc, etc. It seems silly in retrospect, of course, but denial is extremely powerful. Especially the fear and paranoia that tends to get wrapped around being gay.

[ut804]

Ok so you are saying they really believe they love the woman? How do fake an attraction like that? Don't you know deep down inside that you are not attracted to your girlfriend? In other words, lets say you are a gay man but you are in denial or confused and so you are dating a woman. How do you convince yourself you like her? It's just something that you know.

If I dated a man I wasn;t attracted to, theres no way I could somehow force myself to like him in a sexual way. You are either attracted to him or you're not. I know I couldn't make myself believe I was attracted to this man.

 

Gay, straight, * * * * * , pansexual, bi, lesbian, asexual, whatever you are you should not be dating someone you are not attracted to, and you know if you are. attraced or not.

 

I get how you are in denial about being gay (like maybe "Oh I just like his body") but how can you fake interest in a woman? I just don't get that. So you can truly believe that you are sexually attracted to a woman when you are not?

[ut804]

^^ sorry I didn't know I could say the q word?

[FathomFear]

Ok so you are saying they really believe they love the woman? How do fake an attraction like that?

 

To call it "fake" is to make it some sort of conscious deception. That's not what it is.

 

It's hard for most straight people to understand the psychology of the closet because they've never had to deal with anything like it.

 

The best way of explaining is drawing an analogy. Let's say that you were born in a culture that placed huge significance on eating and liking bananas. After every meal, people eat bananas. Throughout your childhood, all books you read, all TV shows you see, all stories you're told from your parents, indicate that eating and liking bananas is what is expected of you. No other option is disclosed. You see all your friends and family liking bananas. You hear the occasional murmur of those who don't, but that possibility is associated with intense fear and shame. But generally speaking it's considered so horrible that it's not even spoken of.

 

As a result, you convince yourself that you're the same way. You go through the motions of eating bananas like everyone else. While you sometimes have the occasional lingering thought that you don't like them in the same way the others do, you continue to believe that you like bananas. When you eat them, you focus on any aspect of it which is palatable to reinforce that you like them.

 

This is essentially what the closet is like. It's a reality that you weave based on how you see yourself. Your conscious mind doesn't allow you to interpret your own thoughts and desires, as certain outcomes and conclusions (eg, not liking bananas) are so horrible and so dreadful that you immediate avoid them.

 

Coming out of the closet is usually a very slow process which goes into phases: 1) Coming out to yourself, and then 2) Coming out to others. Over time the reality you've been weaving breaks down, and you can no longer avoid the conclusions your own mind is drawing. You can't run from it.

 

The mistake people make is to see the closet as only stage 2). They think that gays and lesbians know they're gay, but just aren't telling people about it. While that can happen, it's nowhere near as common as outright denial.

 

For myself, I never came out to myself until I was 22. And I had looked at gay porn almost exclusively for three years prior to them. I never really let my mind linger on that, though. I always knew I was straight. I had to be--there was no other option. I had to like women. Had to. Luckily, though, this kneejerk copying mechanism breaks down and the true reality starts to surface.

 

Don't you know deep down inside that you are not attracted to your girlfriend? In other words, lets say you are a gay man but you are in denial or confused and so you are dating a woman. How do you convince yourself you like her? It's just something that you know.

If I dated a man I wasn;t attracted to, theres no way I could somehow force myself to like him in a sexual way. You are either attracted to him or you're not. I know I couldn't make myself believe I was attracted to this man.

 

Right, but you also aren't living in a culture that largely puts fear/dread/shame with attraction towards men (as a woman). And you also weren't raised your entire life to believe that you should be attracted to a certain person. Without those forces it's hard to understand what the closet is like, and why it's so powerful.

 

I get how you are in denial about being gay (like maybe "Oh I just like his body") but how can you fake interest in a woman? I just don't get that. So you can truly believe that you are sexually attracted to a woman when you are not?

 

Because in your mind there's no other option. That is what you are and what you must be. Thinking otherwise is incomprehensible.

 

Heck, I spent a solid two years reinforcing to myself that I was straight because I could tell the difference between attractive and non-attractive women. To me, that was all I needed to sustain my belief that I was normal.

 

But as a I said, I don't expect most straight people to really understand, and they've never had to deal with this scenario before. If you're straight, society is reinforcing your orientation from day one. From there, you're encouraged to seek out who you're most attracted to. Your overall orientation is validated. When you're gay, however, it's not--and most gays and lesbians end up spending various amounts of time in denial before they accept their orientation is different. Once they get to that stage, then and only then can they start really focusing on real attraction.