I just found out my boyfriend is gay.

[Hardashell123]

I kinda know how you are feeling. Though I am in high school, me and my boyfriends have been going out for almost two years now. But two days ago he came out that he was gay, please help me I don't know what to do.

One of the teachers at school knows and he has found it really hard to come out to some of his close friends at school with some help from the teacher. He has told me so many of his closest secrets up till now and I just don't know what to do. He has told his mother but believe that he is over thinking the problem and becoming slightly depressed or something. Please help me!!! I love this guy so much and he admits that he still loves me too no matter what, but the people at school he has told are telling me I should break up with him, I don't want to have to!!*

I have cried each night since he told me and I need help and support, what can i do for him? Thanks so much, please just someone help me, Im scared and concerned! Please

[eggsandcheese]

I was married to somebody who I think was gay. He rarely touched me after we got married, and I found on his computer a search for bisexual encounter videos on you tube. We had problems prior to getting married, and I never should have married him in the first place. In general, he also was not a nice person. I feel he used me to make it look like he was heterosexual, and then isolated me after we were married. Yuck! I think it's wonderful that you guys get along so well, that's something that my marriage never had. But, I think you would be sacrificing some deeper emotions/sexual intensity if you stay with someone that just shouldn't be with a girl. You can't change that internal wiring, and he will want to eventually be with a guy. And he may fall in love with a guy. He needs to explore that, and you deserve a relationship with someone who truly wants to be with a girl. Don't make a mistake like I did. Although at least yours admitted it. I never got that closure I also think children deserve to see a relationship where the two people truly are attracted to each other. Man to woman, man to man, or woman to woman.

[lealeaS]

My boyfriend still hasnt told me he's gay!!! I found out my boyfriend was gay, by looking at the messages in his phone to one of his female best mates. i ONLY did this because i had my suspissions that something might have been going on between them. Big shock when i found that he was gay!!! I couldnt stop crying and then he came back to the car and knew something was wrong because he knows everything, i couldnt tell him so had to make stuff up. Ive been given his laptop to fix and facebook comes up on his home page so had a little look on there, and hes told another girl. Im so hurt by this and keep crying and i dont know what to do. I cant talk to him about it because he obviously doesnt want to tell me (well messages say he does but he would have by now). I really dont know what to do... He says he loves me, wants a future marriage kids everything with me and yet he cant tell me the big part of this life. Can anyone give me some advice about how to come around this?

[mezzer4life]

wow you hear rumors about this but it's weird/differnent reading personal accounts of people going through this...that sucks

[FriedBacon]

What do i do? What do i bloody do? I know i love him and wat to be with him, but this changed everything. I have told him we can never marry because he will just leave me for a man one day. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

 

Milly, please let me know how your story turned out! To any of you who have posted your heartaches on this forum, please let me know how your lives have fared! So many years have passed, I know, but my situation is in the present and I need to know there is true happiness beyond this.

 

Even though this thread is old, it's been so helpful for me. I've read nearly every post and finally feel that there are people who truly understand. My boyfriend just left me after I found out that he is bi (at the very least). I'm devastated. He had asked my grandmother for my hand on her deathbed. He was so perfect to me, I thought I had dreamt him up. I thought he was a gift to me after having suffered so many heartbreaks in the past. Smart, tall, good looking, loving, very successful, sweet, caring -- minus a few temper tantrums and the lack of sex -- I thought I was leading a pretty charmed life. Then within six months, my grandmother dies, I lose my job, and I find out my boyfriend whom I planned to marry is attracted to men.

 

All the signs were there and I chose to ignore them. He was my dream guy, after all. He even had the perfect name, I thought. A name I would one day share with him. Within a few months of dating, I noticed that it was always I who had to initiate sex. And, often, he would turn me down due to a headache or stress about work. He had an impressive career, so once he started working, it seemed to make sense so I let it go.

 

After a year of dating, and months of weeping that my incredibly handsome boyfriend seems uninterested in my body, he confessed to me that he had a porn addiction. Ok. Now we were getting somewhere. I have the hidden truth, right? We just have to work on the porn addiction, and we can live our blissful life. He refused to show me what kind of porn it was. I said perhaps we could watch it together for fun. He refused. Said he would be uncomfortable, but reassured me it was nothing taboo. I felt he was not being honest, but I let it be. Perhaps he was just into girls that look different than I do and didn't want to offend me. Perhaps.

 

So I had him show me his browser history a few times, he made a bigger effort to be sexually active in the bedroom, I even put it in his online calendar to remind him to attempt some sort of intimacy together. Yup.

 

Then, there was the issue that I had never met his best friend. After a year and a half of dating, you'd think I'd have met his best friend, right? We lived in the same city, even! He said he himself had only seen him 3 times during our relationship, but it still didn't add up. Then, I find out that NO one has ever met this friend of his. None of his other best friends who he has known for the last 4.5 years have ever met him, nor had his family. So, perhaps this guy is just really busy? But why would my boyfriend seem to act so dodgy about my meeting him. He was super hot on his Facebook photo, perhaps he thought I might fall for his friend? No, in my heart, something felt wrong.

 

I asked him if there was something going on with him and his friend. I just flat out asked when he came home one day. The sneaking suspicions were nagging at me. He calmly said no. I asked if there were even one sided feelings, perhaps my bf had a crush on his friend or vice versa. He sheepishly said no. To me, if any of my straight male friends had been asked any of these questions, they would be shocked, dismayed, and would be even a little angry at the suggestion. My bf answered slowly and quietly. He mustered up a little bit of anger that I would suggest he'd been cheating -- more so than being accused of being gay. Perhaps he's just not homophobic and doesn't find it offensive? Perhaps? This is a metropolitan city after all! Did I mention he once randomly trimmed all his hair down there? Was it for me? The gal he rarely touched? Hm.

 

Then there was the issue that he was constantly on the fence about marriage and children. He had been engaged in the past and had wanted children. This was only months before he met me, so I stayed with him for the hope he'd change his mind. Each time he started feeling like he didn't want it, we'd talk it out and he would end up back on my side. Typical male afraid of commitment. No problem. He had a bad engagement before me. Made perfect sense.

 

Sure he went to Catholic schools from age 5 to 20. Sure we went to all boys schools, was an altar boy, and was in the Boy Scouts till he was nearly old enough to vote. And sure there had been a child abuser in the periphery of his childhood... But it would be all too cliche if he were to actually be gay. Look at him! He's a sporty, beefy, beer drinking, red blooded American Man! -- Except for the fact that he kind of sashays when he walks, and occasionally flicks his wrist when he speaks. But, it's a modern age. Just a dash of metrosexuality is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

We had been lightly house shopping for months, and I noticed he was started only showing me one bedroom homes. I had promised that I'd hold off talking about marriage and children months ago because he felt pressured. I had slipped a few times, but now we were talking about a major investment. I had to ask, "Where would the kids go?" And so we had an overnight argument about him being back on the fence. And, by morning, he said he was seriously thinking he didn't want to have children. This, he had known, was my deal breaker issue. We called it quits. And then, while he was at work, I spoke to my friends and family crying that I'd lost the love of my life because I wanted to have a child some day. My mother, shockingly, told me if this man truly made me happy, then why would I need a child? What if I turned out to be miserable with it? If I'm already where I want to be, why change it? I had always assumed she wanted grandchildren. So after some thought, I realized, this man made me happy enough. So I called him to tell him that he made me so happy, that I loved him so much, that I would reconsider motherhood.

 

Allow me to note that I'm at the doorstep to turning 30 and both he and I have potential fertility issues, so it's not like an accident could happen miraculously. Also, he wasn't able to ejaculate in most sexual positions, unless the girl is on top. This position is hard for me, and we didn't use protection (I wasn't scared given the fertility and ejaculation issues). So our sexual encounters always ended up with me giving him head. There was a time at the beginning of our courtship where I did this for him daily for months. Yup.

 

So here I am, renouncing my life long dream of motherhood. He didn't quite believe me, but I insisted it was true. I just wanted to be with him. After hanging up, I get a call from one of his family members who was helping me through this child-bearing related issue. After a long discussion learning about his childhood and family problems, this person tells me that my honey, in his teens, had been caught with heaps of porn (Playboys and Playgirls), as well as dildos and other items. She insisted it was just a phase. But she didn't know what I knew. She didn't know about the sashaying, the lack of sex, the porn addiction, the secret friend. Suddenly it made sense. There had been others who told me he seemed "light in the loafers". All this time. The man I had dreamed up. I had JUST told him that I would consider never having children...

 

He came home and tried to hold my hand and tickle me. I guess he had accepted my relinquishing of my life dream. I was distant. In my mind, I was being tickled by a gay man who I could never fully satisfy. Had he had sex with other men? Had I had sex with a penis that had been in another man's rectum? How much do I love him? Can I love him through this? I let him walk the dog (OUR dog). While he was out, I scoured the Internet. I searched for his friend's name with various gay terms. Then bam. I see several posts on a GLBT forum made by a man with the exact first and last name of the mystery friend. Maybe it was someone....else?

 

When he came home, I said we needed to talk. I calmly told him we needed to talk to a sex therapist. He flipped out and demanded to know what this was all about (true, our sex life had improved with our recent efforts). I said I didn't feel comfortable talking about it, but he said he would never go to therapy under any circumstances (though he had in the past). I calmly told him I knew he was aroused by images of naked men. His face went sullen. "How did you know?" he asked unblinking. There it was. The confession. I hadn't thought this far, though. I had promised his family member I wouldn't give her away. He had been lying to me since the day we met, so I told him a lie for the very first time. "I snooped," I said. And, he flipped out. I kept telling him not to be ashamed, that I still loved him, that he is normal. I tried to hug him, but he pushed me off. He said I was a *****, that he didn't love me, screamed that I would die alone and stormed out. He texted later that I was the biggest mistake I his life and told me to eff off several times. The love of my life.

 

That was exactly three weeks ago. I was laid off, so I've been crying every day at home. I didn't eat, drink, or sleep the first few days. I sent him two dozen long stemmed roses to his office. Wrote him a love letter. He came by once to pick up his clothes. Said he saw no future with me. Shed some crocodile tears and cut me a check to help with the mortgage. After seeing my tears he said maybe what he needed was time and perspective.

 

I don't know if he is bi or gay. I don't know if he cheated on me. I don't know how I can stop loving him and wanting him back. I don't know where to find the anger. The anger I need to get me energized enough to cook myself a meal, look for a job, hell...even shower. I feel like I'll never find anyone like the version of my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend rather, that I had fallen in love with. It doesn't seem possible. At this late in my life, he was the first guy since high school that I was sexually attracted to. Where do I go from here?

 

Please, former posters on this thread from years ago, let me know how you fared...

[Capricorn3]

Thread is 10 years old. Closed.