Successfully Got Your Ex Back ?

[NubianLove]

I like this thread, I totally agree with it, its like what next. I'd like to know what to do even if ex comes back.

[DN]

The most important thing if you do get back together is for the one who was dumped to forgive being dumped.

 

Next is to fix the problems that caused the break-up.

[BONO]

The most important thing if you do get back together is for the one who was dumped to forgive being dumped.

 

Next is to fix the problems that caused the break-up.

 

 

Agree 100%, but you have to also agree that the majority of guys/girls on this forum would do this within a heartbeat. They might get to a point of Getting Back , through NC etc and then not know what to do, right ?

 

Perhaps Im being a bit of a wally, but it has to be considered. As such, deserves the next step towards a successful reconcilation, rather than " I forgive you" ???????

 

 

I can sit here night after night, banging on how to get you ex back through NC , saying no to friends and moving on . Like most members have done since 2002. However, if it is not backed up with help when they come back, what is the point ????

 

Im not being rude, just realistic and trying to move this forum to a different level.

A level, that as far as I can see, does not exist yet !

 

And frankly should - given the title of the forum.

 

 

Scruff

[007]

Yup, you're so right, Scruff...I often wonder what to do myself if that joyous day shall come to fruition.

 

On one hand, I'd love to be back with her...On the other, I think to myself "Oh, you just HAD to see that I was TRULY the greener grass, huh? What's to say that you're not gonna do it again?"

 

Good thread...

[margaritaman]

I'd agree with DN on those two items. There's questions I'd need answers to before I could decide whether to get back together too. Of course, my 20th anniversary will be next month and we were together for 22 years, so her leaving out of the blue, without an explanation to me or my kids, would lead to a need of some serious, honest answers. We never argued, agreed on nearly everything and that went on for 22 years, so it wasn't some kind of faking it thing. I do think this forum is a very important part of breaking up. You need to know who you are and why you have the feelings you have before you can really determine if having them come back to you is best for you. I'm trying to determine what would make me take her back, merely so if the "what if" happens, I'm prepared. Actually, I'm not living my life by what if's, I'm moving forward with my and my kids lives, but I also don't want to be surprised if she wants to come back and take her back for the wrong reasons. I need to clear it up in my mind now, and then keep moving forward with a sound feeling that I'm prepared for either direction in life.

 

Could someone please tell me what NC stands for before I post anything more? I just found this site a few days ago and think it's great, but the NC stuff is throwing me off.

[DN]

No contact.

 

It means you don't contact the ex in any way which helps you to heal from the split faster.

[BONO]

Yeah, it would be nice Scruff...However, my ex now has a new man in her life, and I'm sure that she's so happy, that I've got no shot now.

 

Just another reason why life sucks.

 

 

You know thats CR*P. It like saying you will never ever get a parking ticket again or sex again, right ?

 

If you have a car or if you have a penis it will happen my friend. If your car is an extention of your penis mate, then dont worry you will only get one - A TICKET ha ha.

 

There is no way one earth that she will not compare you to her New BF. FACT. Relax and suck air. Proding and pushing will ALWAYS PUSH her away, more and more. You know the crack about NC , Right ?

 

 

Scruff

[Phoenix69]

Hear Hear!

Being one of the ones who got back with the ex. I have to say one thing. ITS REALLY REALLY HARD WORK!!!!! This forum should be about people helping people who have gotten back with the ex, cause I am sure that I am not the only one who has done it, and will no doubt do again (hopefully of course this doesn't happen

 

It shouldn't be about people dogging people for getting back together, maybe there were issues such as communication breakdown (This is part of my case) which is not really anybody's and everybody's fault involved...

 

Sometimes all we want to hear is that we are not doing anything wrong and we are not weak by getting back together with the ex. Because we get bagged on by friends and family in close contact, we are looking for at least some reassurance from someone (anyone really) that we are not abnormal people wanting (or even doing) to get their ex back. And when things get a little rough (yeah ok we may have asked for it by going back, but hey we are only HUMAN!!) we need the support just like anyone else does!

[Phoenix69]

NC stands for No Contact. This means you block all communication, emails, texts, phone calls, seeing them in person, absolutely everything to do with your significant (or insignificant) other.

[007]

You know thats CR*P. It like saying you will never ever get a parking ticket again or sex again, right ?

 

If you have a car or if you have a penis it will happen my friend. If your car is an extention of your penis mate, then dont worry you will only get one - A TICKET ha ha.

 

There is no way one earth that she will not compare you to her New BF. FACT. Relax and suck air. Proding and pushing will ALWAYS PUSH her away, more and more. You know the crack about NC , Right ?

 

 

Scruff

 

Hey Scruff, thanks for the input, however, I've never gotten a ticket...haha. Also, I don't push her or prod her at all...I've left her alone now for 4 months almost. Last time I attempted contact was January 4th.

 

Hopefully when she does compare like you insist that she does, that she can realize that the guy just isn't me...that despite what others think, he's not the one, and I am...I hope so, anyway.

 

Like I'm saying though, I'm glad you put this post up, because I often have thought about the ''day'' if it were to happen. Do I accept her back with understanding, or do I tell her to piss off? (that was my attempt at English by the way...Hahaha.)

[heyduh]

after the ex says "let's get back together"

 

the relationship should be a fresh start (just how you would woo a new beloved) BUT first you need have open and honest communication about what went wrong. tough to do without bring up pain from the past but this is a must, and must be done early in the "rekindled" relationship. need to address both the dumper and dumpees complaints and needs.

 

maybe talk a little bit about what you learnt about yourself, each other and "relationships" during the time apart ...

 

and once you've had the "talk", maybe make a commitment to yourself and each other to NOT bring up pain from the past.

 

it helps to have this conversation in a light and friendly environment .. say while sitting in a park or something like that.

 

i would stay away from making commitments to each other, discussing the future of "us" etc etc deep topics until after a few months into your "rekindled" relationship.

 

 

...

 

now if I can only get her to come to the point of "lets get back together"

 

 

[BONO]

Hey Scruff, thanks for the input, however, I've never gotten a ticket...haha. Also, I don't push her or prod her at all...I've left her alone now for 4 months almost. Last time I attempted contact was January 4th.

 

Hopefully when she does compare like you insist that she does, that she can realize that the guy just isn't me...that despite what others think, he's not the one, and I am...I hope so, anyway.

 

Like I'm saying though, I'm glad you put this post up, because I often have thought about the ''day'' if it were to happen. Do I accept her back with understanding, or do I tell her to piss off? (that was my attempt at English by the way...Hahaha.)

 

 

 

Mr Bond, how is Miss P Galore - not too good huh ???!!

 

 

This is my entire point.

 

Logic V Emotion.

 

Logic is logical - FACT

Read this forum over and over again. Its full of LOGIC WOOOOOOOHOOOOO !!!!

 

Emotion is emotional-FACT

Again, read this forum over and over again. It full of emotion. DOOOOOOOHOOOOOOHHHHH !! & WOOOOOOHOOOHHH!

 

 

You can not in any way apply logic to emotion.

 

 

But you can influence it ( if you want to )

 

 

Odd Job Scruff !!

[BONO]

Hear Hear!

Being one of the ones who got back with the ex. I have to say one thing. ITS REALLY REALLY HARD WORK!!!!! This forum should be about people helping people who have gotten back with the ex, cause I am sure that I am not the only one who has done it, and will no doubt do again (hopefully of course this doesn't happen

 

 

Thank you - a living example ! THIS IS MY POINT AGIAN.

[BONO]

Ladies and Gents ( Majord23)

 

 

Im off to bed, I have loads more to say on this so stay tuned and reply to anything you need, or more importantly anything that you can add to help me and the rest of the thousands of people who might look at this.

 

 

As a taster I have PMed "Poco" and hope he has the balls as a *man* to contribute on the subject of a *challenge*. wink

 

 

( Poco put your hands between your legs and grow some b**locks")

 

Night, night enotalone xxxxxxx

 

 

Scruff

 

Scruff

[margaritaman]

Heyduh - Good points. That's exactly how I'd like to do it if that day ever comes. Thanks for clearing up the NC part for me DN. I REALLY wish I could have NC, but with two kids, it's impossible, so I'm just playing it cool as someone suggested to me. I'm moving forward with fun things I want to do and things for my kids and I to do and trying to have as little contact as possible with her and let her do her thing. My Ex is all about the single life because it's so exciting and she's never been on her own in 41 years, but most people who know us, including family, feel she'll get tired of that and want back. Question is, when might that happen and where will I be then. But this subject of getting back together is super important to think about! I've thought about it being really hard like Phoenix69 said, but it also seems like if BOTH parties handle it more like Heyduh said, it's likely to work better and rebuild the spark too. Just my thought for now. Time for family time with my kids.

[Mark82]

I had that day, kept to NC for 3 months (well she sometimes contacted me) and eventually she called me up wanting to meet, said she missed me and all that... this was 3 days before I was to go on a trip to europe for a month. I decided to see her after I got back. Bad move I guess, I got back and she had changed her attitude and gave stupid reasons for her change(even blamed me for rejecting her). I guess I thought that if she trully wanted me back she would wait for me.

 

Now if I did say yes when I had the best chance, would she have changed her mind after a month? or would it have depended on how I rekindled the love?

 

Been kicking myself for not meeting up with her when I could have.

[BONO]

I had that day, kept to NC for 3 months (well she sometimes contacted me) and eventually she called me up wanting to meet, said she missed me and all that...

 

Now if I did say yes when I had the best chance, would she have changed her mind after a month? or would it have depended on how I rekindled the love?

 

Been kicking myself for not meeting up with her when I could have.

 

Dont kick yourself because its similar to me. But this is what I see.

 

The foundations of NC and saying no to friends are powerful tools to enable you to heal and move on. A bi product of these tools is your ex missing you. If that emotion becomes too strong, then they might ask you back.

 

We need to understand the reasons that they are asking us back are nothing to do with the bi products of NC, but moreover a true commitment to rekindle the relationship.

 

In my case it seems it was the former and as such there would have never been a right time !!

 

See where Im coming from ??

 

 

 

Scruff

[ranlian]

my ex just emailed me implying that she wants back. we've known each other for 5 years, been together for 4, and were supposed to get married this june.

(Read my story: )

 

i have a feeling that she's going to ask that we get back together, and we take a trip to cambodia (angkor wat) to solidify that committment. but we've got LOTS to talk about before that... i like what heyduh suggested:

 

1) be honest about what went wrong (and talking about the painful past)

2) understand each other's emotional needs that were lacking

3) talk about what we learned about the both of us and our relationship

4) promise not to bring up the past

 

my ex wants to talk to me, and i think i'll answer her phone call if she calls (i just arrived in taiwan; she's in the US). and if she wants me back, then i'll ask her to really contemplate about it before she asks. i'll ask her to:

1) Understand for herself what she thinks went wrong on her side (while i think about what i've done wrong), and how she can better communicate her needs

2) Understand that the road to rebuilding trust is a long road that requires HARD work on both our parts

3) Make sure that she wants me out of genuine love, rather than guilt or feelings of loss

 

i'll give her some time to think about it, then we can talk again. while i do want her back badly, i'm not too eager to get hurt again. i need to make sure that we get back on a solid foundation. raykay mentioned pre-marital counselling, which isn't a bad idea.

[Demond34]

Maybe someone can clarify this for me...... I know the reason behind NC is so that the (dumpee) can heal and move on, almost like Out of sight, out of mind...... But if that happens to the (dumpee) why doesn't it also happen to the dumper? After all they are the ones who did the leaving, albeit on good terms or bad terms, they still left. So why isn't it out of sight out of mind for them. Why do we assume NC lets the dumpees heal and the dumpers, miss them?

[DN]

It very often means that the dumpers will be even more sure that they did the right thing - in which case it is better for both people because who needs to be in a relationship where one partner always has a foot out of the door?

 

But sometimes, rarely, the dumper will realise the consequences of their action and regret it - they miss the dumpee and realise they made a mistake. It is harder to understand the full consequences if you still see the dumper.

[majord23]

Why do we assume NC lets the dumpees heal and the dumpers, miss them?

 

Simple really.

 

The dumpee hurts like hell when NC is initiated...which is why it is so hard. In fact sometimes it is unbearable and that is why people 'Break NC' so frequently. After a while it gets easier, and healing occurs.

 

The difference in the case of the dumper is that they have the power to end the torment. Dumpees are forced to face the prospect of losing their ex WITHOUT having a choice in the matter. Dumpers face the prospect of losing their ex KNOWING that it was their choice. Sometimes the weight of the decision becomes more evident when NC is employed.

 

It's easier to heal when you know you have no choice but to.

 

OK, maybe it's not *that* simple...but you get the picture

[Demond34]

It very often means that the dumpers will be even more sure that they did the right thing - in which case it is better for both people because who needs to be in a relationship where one partner always has a foot out of the door?

 

But sometimes, rarely, the dumper will realise the consequences of their action and regret it - they miss the dumpee and realise they made a mistake. It is harder to understand the full consequences if you still see the dumper.

 

DN, what do you mean it very often means that the dumpers will be even more sure they did the right thing? Are you saying the dumpees shouldn't lay down so easily(but actually hard as hell)? Lets say(in my case) the dumper was confused on what she wanted to do with her life but pulled away, depressed and crying, never actually uttering the words its over, still saying I love you but was planning on moving away. Whats one to do? You can't stand in the way of someones happiness? I just finally said I can't be there for you as a friend right now, I wish i could, but my feelings run deeper than that and it hurts to see u leave and talk to you, .......

 

That was 2 days ago, the last time we spoke, I mean basically what you're saying is that I did the wrong thing.........but I thought it was the noble thing to do, letting someone you love go and let her do what she wants with her life. Everyone preaches NC for yourself but I'm curious to see why it makes it more clear that the dumper did the right thing and what you suggest someone does?

[DN]

It really depends on the circumstances of the break-up. No one should take NC as a sure thing in any scenario - it is not a sure fire thing.

 

What I meant was that sometimes a dumper will come to a decision to split. After some time in NC they realise that they did the right thing - their decision is reinforced because they don't miss the ex.

 

In your case she seems unsure if she did the right thing. But planning to move away doesn't look good.

 

I think in most cases, and probably in yours, it's best to say something along the lines of: "I love you and I want to be with you in a committed relationship. If you don't want that then I will walk away. If you are unsure, then take the time to decide (and you should specify a time frame). If you want to get back together before then fine, but if you don't or are still unsure then I am walking away."

 

And then go no contact.

 

The key is to make sure she knows you love her and want her but you are not going to wait for her beyond a reasonable time.

[Demond34]

I'm pretty sure she knows, I mean I got her to come over the day before she was going to look for a job in another state, to give her a bunch of things that she left. But the problem was she seemed like she didnt want to take them. She cried, said she was confused, said she's been avoiding me b/c she knows it'll make it that much harder for her to go. Says she'll regret her decision either way, b/c she thinks if she doesnt leave the area now, that she never will. She also has this mind set that she's going to fail and not be strong enough down there. I told her I dont want her to go, but I also can't make her stay....... I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her.....and its like shes insecure and asks why are you so set on me? I mean its been over 5 years.......if i was planning on not being with her I would of left...........Theres so much more to the story and I dont want to keep hijacking this thread(good thread by the way)......But I ask you DN, she stuck by me for 2 years(when i went thru something).....I want to be there for her right now and see that she gets situated, but I feel I can't be a friend to her and support her b/c of my ultimatley wanting her back. She never did give me my key back by the way, she asked me if I wanted it and I said you make that decision..........

 

I dont know what to do...............sorry for the interruption on this thread.......continue on

[BONO]

I have just read what Pocco D has/is going to post and it is pure, pure MAGIC - keep reading and watching ....... J

 

 

 

SCRUFF