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ranlian

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  1. ranlian
    ok, so i woke up this morning with my heart racing because she's getting married to someone else! i don't wanna feel this way! i want to feel really happy for her! yet at the same time i dread the thought of attending the ceremony because i'll probably get all emotional... need to get through all this emotional crap so i don't show it at the wedding. how the heck did julia roberts do it?... oh that's right, she had that gay friend accompany her at the wedding. damn happy endings!!!
  2. ranlian
    i told her about how i felt about her months ago, but she can't help the way i feel about her. i think feelings are uncontrollable but actions are... and we never acted upon them. knowing that she was going to get married, i actually put a lot of emotional distance between me and her (which she noticeably felt), and we talked about our feelings. we talked about the possibility of my pulling away from our friendship, because: 1) i could get hurt 2) it may not be entirely appropriate so syrix, you're right on the money. like i said, i can't help the way i feel, but i can control my actions. however, i think i will go to the wedding and show my support... it's gonna hurt real hard though.
  3. ranlian
    has anyone lived through the heartbreak of watching your best friend get married? i'm 30 & she's 31 and after 5 years of long distance, her bf decided to close the gap and propose to her. we've both developed an attraction to each other over the past year, but have maintained very clear respectful boundaries. but, as soon as she told me that the wedding date had been confirmed (i just came back from a looong vacation and found out it's one week from now...), i heard most succinctly the sound of my heart turning into glass and shattering into countless pr!ckly shards. but at the same time, i just watched the ending clip from "my best friend's wedding" and felt encouraged. while i feel immensely sad, i do not have the right to be heart broken and selfish. at the same time, i feel really happy for her because i know her fiance will take very good care of her. and in the end, their happiness together is most important. i told her before i left for my vacation that although it hurts, i would always be her friend. but now i'm left with the decision whether or not to attend the wedding. if i don't go, it's only because of selfish reasons and it'll be very emotional for me. i know i should go and support her. has anyone gone through this rollercoaster experience? like dan fogelberg put it in "same auld lang syne": "just for a moment i was back in school, and felt that old familiar pain..."
  4. ranlian
    you know, sometimes it's hard trying to find that point in which to break the ice. in the end though, i've determined that the best time to break NC is when you no longer think of her anymore... reading over your posts makes it feel comforting for me to know i'm not the only one trying to deal with similar issues. i'm gotta stop checking up on her friendster and myspace, and i'm only prolonging my healing because i continue to do so. right now, i'm just working on trying to get out of my current environment and start something completely new where no one knows me. at least, it'll put me in the driver's seat too. let's just pray that we don't crash. keep posting... we're reading your updates, even though we may not necessarily reply.
  5. ranlian
    good luck buddy!!! make sure this girl doesn't already have a boyfriend/husband. haha...
  6. ranlian
    you know, my friend said to me yesterday that i'm "too nice". what is that supposed to mean? when i'm in the dating process with a girl, i can be the badass, but if i just consider the girl to be just friends, or especially when it was my fiance, then i go from badass to mr. nice guy. so this brings me to your question if women don't want to be treated that way. i think in the beginning, they like a little bad in their men, but eventually they'd expect that badness to turn into good treatment, otherwise that badness will be perceived as just "being mean". but girls liked to be treated well, right? hmm... well, yes and no. it basically comes down to this: the dynamics of how you attract (or reattract) your partner differs from how you maintain a relationship with your partner. so no mushy mushy stuff with your girl. go NC again. regain your composure. and if in the future you guys decide to talk again, practice the art of being a badass without being an a55.
  7. ranlian
    10 months after my fiance dumped me, i still feel like i'm on this roller coaster. we tried to work things out in august and things went great. then in september, she just couldn't handle it... so now we're back to NC. it sucks for me right now, and i think you all were right when you said it is the void that kills us. when we're busy with other stuff, it's easy to forget about things and subconsciously contemplate what's best for us. remember that idle hands are the tools of the devil, and our idle minds are exactly what's driving us nuts.
  8. ranlian
    3 weeks isn't long... my situation is complicated since i live abroad and travel a LOT, and we're both very ambitious in our careers. well, i was planning to "settle down" with her earlier this year, but obviously that didn't happen. so i decided to do my own thing... but you're right captain34, the only thing i can do is let her come to me. there are some nights where i REALLY want to talk to her, but that's why i come here to vent so i can resist the urge. either way, i know what i have to do, and that's to focus on what i'm doing now, look to the future, and leave her in the past.
  9. ranlian
    yeah, well, i love giving girls a second chance.... to reject me again! LOL sometimes it's just hard letting go, especially someone with whom i was with for nearly 5 years. she was family at that point. all i can do is forgive her and forget about her... YEAH!
  10. ranlian
    wow... that's some very let-me-drag-you-on-a-string-for-a-while words. people say these things so that they don't feel badly about what they have done. they're ultimately selfish statements...
  11. ranlian
    i heard that nick lachey song the other day for the first time and it struck true to my heart. i was also pleasantly surprised to see it in your post as well. i'm glad things are working out for you... like you say to yourself, you just gotta keep your chin up and take everything one step at a time. it's so hard losing the person that you truly thought was "the one". we'll all get through it together, somehow...
  12. ranlian
    it's times like these when i wonder why we must go through such trials. hang in there, buddy...
  13. ranlian
    hi all, i'm having a terrible relapse and am soooooo tempted to break NC and call my ex. we got together for a short trip in august and we had a GREAT time. we were on the road to recovery... but somehow, it all fell apart. i find myself terribly missing her again and wanting things to be the way we were. after 4-5 years of being together, we got engaged in 2004, planned to get married in this past summer, but she left me for another guy earlier in the year... my heart was completely broken (full story: ). she's since broken up with him since it lasted only 2 months. i'm not expecting anything from anybody here... i just need a place to vent. i haven't heard from her in 3 weeks in her last message to me saying that she was having a tough time staying optimistic about us. i wrote her back and said that i understand and would give her time & space to open up to me. but, i assume she's given up since she hasn't contacted me since that last e-mail. how can two people so in love fall so out of love?
  14. ranlian
    *sigh*... don't we all feel the same way. it's been 10 months for me since my break with my ex-fiance, but she's dragged the drama for that long as well. so it's like we just broke up only a couple weeks ago. although i've been on a couple dates, i've been feeling cynical as well. i know this feeling will end sooner or later, but i hope it ends soon. in the meantime, i don't mind being single so i can do stuff on my own.
  15. ranlian
    tray acct, I feel like I am you, but am 10 months farther down the road. Juliana's got a point in that your girlfriend is at least asking for positive things, such as the university agree, working out, etc. I know you feel you've come a long way in trying to better yourself and you should feel proud of yourself! Now here's what I see... but remember, it's just my speculation: 1) You're working to try to make ends meet and chose not to go to school. On the otherhand, your girlfriend is attending university. It seems like she's almost looking down on you, and she might consider you and her to be on different levels, making it difficult to make an emotional connection (hence the non-communication from her perspective). 2) University takes people out of reality. You're in the real world working while she is going to school and socializing with a lot of other people who are, more or less, care-free. I'm making a huge assumption here, but she may have found someone at University that she could be interested in, leading her to make comparisons between you and her new interest. It's not uncommon for people to enter a new environment (e.g. school, new country, etc) and suddenly change. Basically, I think she feels that you are both on different levels, and it's becoming more difficult for her to relate to you. In the meantime, you're hanging on to the old as tightly as possible. In this situation, there's nothing you can do but accept it. Accept that you are powerless over her, and accept that there's nothing that you can do that will make her happy. At this point, she needs room (i.e. time & space) to grow and figure out what she wants out of life. Like I said, I was you about 10 months ago, feeling helpless and desperate when my fiance left me after 5 years for another guy at her grad school. I still have ups & downs, but you have to remember that we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness. So take this time out for yourself and do it for YOU, and not for her. Believe me... because I also need to follow my own advice.
  16. ranlian
    hi mr. kawabata, i used to have a japanese girlfriend that came over for me, so i completely understand the pressures of trying to establish an identiy in a new country. i know she turned into something that you didn't expect, but i've seen it happen before. i have a theory that there are 5 emotional support systems that people need throughout their lives. they include 5 -- one's family, friends, lover, religion, and most importantly one's sense of self. when your girlfriend moved to your country, she most likely didn't have any family, friends, (maybe no religion), and she didn't have an identity in your country, so she had no sense of self, or low self-esteem. in fact, all she had was you. because you were the only thing that could support her, this put a lot of pressure on you... and eventually, it was difficult for you to support her. so what happens when all your emotional support systems collapse?... you have an emotional breakdown. she started to have unusual outbursts and make unfair accusations. it seems that you both had emotional needs that somehow were not being met. she wanted a feeling a security from you 24/7, but it was something that you could not offer to her. if you know that the both of you are incompatible, then all you can do is mourn the loss. it'll take some time, and it may seem like forever, but you'll get there. hang in there!
  17. ranlian
    i've been going through similar situations with my ex-fiance. she left me for another guy, then she tried to get back together with me in august, but now we're in a limbo state where we don't talk to each other (out of fear or anger, i don't know). we've simply stopped trying. part of the soul-searching that jazzgirrl alluded has helped me to realize that what i'm looking for is something that my ex cannot give me, at least not right now. if you're not feeling the love, then pay attention to that feeling because it's real. the best you can do is calmy communicate (i.e. don't nag) to your partner what he can do to make you feel more secure. your insecurity is totally understandable; you just need to make sure you keep your emotions in check and don't lash out at him. if he can't do what you ask, then let go (i know, it's really hard...). also remember to look within yourself and ask your partner what you can do to help bring that feeling back. relationships always work both ways, even when we're feeling selfish...
  18. ranlian
    so how do u know if someone blocks you??? i think my ex is trying to do the same thing to me. we're trying to get back together, but getting back together doesn't mean no communication (or blocking for that matter)...
  19. ranlian
    talk about an emotional roller coaster in the past 2 months... getting over the "wedding day" was very difficult for me, but since then i've come along away. to make a long story short: i took a small excursion around europe and thought about a lot of things. i came back at then end of june and decided to give her a call to let her know that i was giving up. i had already given up emotionally and i found myself not trying anymore... and you know what? things really started to get better for me! i started to concentrate on myself a lot more. i went out with my friends a lot. i started to swim a lot more, and take up learning horseback riding. i also kept my brain busy by studying for the GMAT. and on top of all that, my career has been progressing very well and i've met a lot of girls and have received a lot of attention. and now my ex is calling me asking me to take her back... you know, a few months ago i would have given anything to take her back. but now that i've given it a lot of thought, i'm not so sure anymore... i love her for sure, but i'm afraid that she might do this to me if we encounter problems in the future again. we've talked through a lot of the problems, and we've connected on certain levels about relationships and life in general, but i think this long distance thing is preventing us from our totally getting back together. although she has hurt me before, i do believe in second chances. we're meeting up in SF in hopes to rekindle the flame. i'm not sure how it'll go. i'm both excited and scared at the same time... although we've talked through most of our problems, we still have a long way to go. through all this, i've realized that blame, hate, and anger are easy ways out, and i've found that forgiveness is truly a powerful thing. i've learned that in order to trust again, you must forgive.
  20. ranlian
    you know, sometimes small talk is a doorway that leads to "the talk" you're waiting for. what i mean is don't be too stubborn. i know what you want to hear is the talk that leads back to reconciliation and your getting back together with her, but being too stubborn sometimes can put you at a higher level which feeds your ego. while your ego may be hurt, just remember it really doesn't come down to egos.
  21. ranlian
    hey man, alls i gotta say is that the harder you push, the more she'll go away. while talking problems through helps a lot, she may be not that ready to talk about it. give her some time to sort out her feelings and figure things out, because really, you're powerless over the situation. (believe me, i know it's hard). if your gf is going back to her ex, what makes you think you're not a rebound?
  22. ranlian
    hey all, need some help here on how to proceed. if you want to read into the gory details, here it is: i haven't heard from my ex-fiancee in 16 days and she finally replies to my email saying that she's been busy with settling into her new house and starting her new job and stuff (which is understandable). it was actually a pleasant e-mail just telling me about her roommates and a little bit about work. although i'm glad to hear from her, i'm finding that i always want more from her e-mails. i want her e-mails to sound more "close" to me like how they used to be. we were together for 4-5 years and she was my fiancee, dammit!!! i'm not sure where we stand right now, and i want to write to her and say, "listen, if you want to make this work out between us, then you have to make an effort to get in touch with me more and show me that you mean it." the only thing is, i know this will have the opposite effect. if i demand more, she'll give less... i guess my question is, do i have my head on straight? i'm angry that she decided to break off the engagement in january, break up with me, and see another guy. but then in may, she comes back to me (in Taiwan) saying that she wants to get me back, however she now rarely contacts me. i'm thinking that i need to respond back to her e-mail politely to tell her what i've been up to. but is this in contradiction to NC?
  23. ranlian
    whoa... thanks for all these forums. it's been 17 days since i talked to my ex on the phone and she told me to wait a week while she sorts things out. and i'm still waiting... no kidding this NC thing is really tough. my ex-fiance & i broke up in january and it's still 2 steps forward 1 step back. but blender's absolutely right... just be strong no matter how tough it is. resist the urge to check her AIM profile and anything that will connect you to her (i've gotta do the same too).
  24. ranlian
    coming from the male perspective, yes this is emotional cheating. my ex-fiance became really good friends with this guy, but then they eventually got 'together'. anyway, it has turned into a messy love triangle but this is exactly the kind of male-female friendships that i don't approve of. i'm not saying that my ex isn't allowed to have male friends. it's just that she can't have male friends with whom she would confide more trust in than with me. i guess it doesnt' really matter since we're broken up now.
  25. ranlian
    completely forget about this guy. that just wasn't even respectful of him... but did you say something when you walked passed him in the street?
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