MAJOR update at the 3 month mark

[daregveda]

Many of you have followed my almost-daily journal of the breakup between me and the mother of my two daughters. If you haven't, it's all here:

 

When she moved out, a couple of our utility bills were and still are in her name, but her mail is currently being forwarded to her new address at her aunt's house, and she has yet to receive a water or power bill. This not only poses a problem for me, but for her as well. She's looking for a new place, and the bills are backed up until I can pay them all off and turn them over to my name. I wanted to call the water company and get a balance so I could pay it off, but I have nothing with the account number. I called her to ask if she had the number, she didn't but she called the water company and got it and the balance for me. After a brief argument about how deeply behind she left me with the bills, she asked me out of nowhere if I would stop...smoking something I smoke sometimes that may or may not contributed over the years to my lack of ambition. Confused, I told her that if I thought it would make any difference to her I would, but that quite frankly I had no real reason to. I'm on the dean's list at school, working overtime every week and am built like a thoroughbred racehorse from working out and eating right. I told her that she gave up the right to ask me to change for her when she turned her back on me.

 

She said that she wished she still felt the same way about me, that it would be easier for everyone if she could pretend to still love me and be together again. I told her that it would only be easier financially, but she deserved to be with someone she really did love, and that I deserved to be with someone who loved me. I told her I didn't wnt her to feel the same way about me that she used to, because I used to be a lazy slob, sitting around the house all day, getting high, getting fat and doing nothing with my life. For her to come back and things go back to the way they were would be doing neither of us any favors, I told her that I was happy with myself now, and I owed it all to her leaving me. Although I still miss her, I still had my daughters and I knew that she was taking good care of them. I have a job I love, doing well in school, expanding my circle of friends and am even seeing someone.

 

She didn't respond to that right away, but a few minutes later while talking about her and the girls moving, she interrupted with "so...what's she like?" I told her a little about her, that she was a young divorced mommy of a little girl, a preschool teacher and college student and a lot of fun. She then asked if she was "good to me"...I told her that she was, and asked why it made a difference...she said she was just curious...and started crying. I took the intiative and told her that just because she didn't feel the "same way" about me, there's no reason to assume that her feelings wouldn't change if we started seeing each other and starting over again...she may even like the new me, I told her that I sure as hell did...and so did our little girls. She agreed that we could start slowly, then said that she was sure that the "other girl" I was seeing wouldn't appreciate me and her moving in together. I told her that me and this girl had only been out a few times, hadn't slept together "yet"..heh...that we spent most of our time together talking. I told her that I had been completely honest with her about how I felt, that I was still in love with the mother of my children and wanted nothing more than my family back together

 

She told me that once she gets settled into her new place, she would like to start seeing me...we talked about how our combined income, her new work schedule and the car I'll be buying next year would all be beneficial to us and our daughters. She said that she was really impressed with how well I've been doing but not at all surprised, she felt as though being with her was what was holding me back. I told her not to do that, she had tried her * * * off to get me to change while I sat and took everything we had together for granted.

 

Her next day off, she's bringing the girls to my job so I can buy and serve them dinner. I am not going to rush her into anything, if we can start out anew, I feel like this could be the best thing that's ever happened to either of us. She may not love me the way she did when we were younger, but she misses me and wants us to be together...the rest will come naturally.

[MetalGuitar]

Wow, this is a perfect example of what to do. Good job bro!

[bcuzitwasfun]

My Hats off!!

 

You are the MAN!!! You in my opinion are a great inspiration to us all. You have proven to everyone here and everyone else (your ex included) that you can and will move on and make things better for yourself and your children, with or without the ex.

 

This is what I am working on. I have followed your postings closely and I am so glad that you have made things better for yourself and your children!

 

I hope that you will be careful however. It so easy to fall back to what was. Bad habits (yours), hers, and bad habits in the relationship. I'm not saying that anything you do is bad, that is your business, just keep the changes you have made, keep the strength that you have found, and mostly, continue to do positive things for your children!

 

Keep on going!

bcuzitwasfun

[dishrag]

Wow! I'm glad I signed in tonight for the first time in a LONG time. What a refreshing update! I'm glad you're taking it slow and being good to yourself. A good you makes a good mate. I hope she does some reflecting on herself as well.

[kristo]

Hey Daregveda!

 

I've been following your story since the beginning and I'm so proud of you.

 

You truly are a poster boy for NC. You are in a win, win situation. You have moved on, kept your dignity and greatly improved yourself. Having the opportunity to have the mother of your kids to work things out with you again is a bonus.

 

My hats off to you!

 

K

[daregveda]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It would be a little premature for me to celebrate just yet, there is still a lot of work to be done, both on my part and on ours as a couple. We had talked about her bringing the girls to my job on her next day off, which is today. As it turns off, this is my day off as well, so I put forth the idea that I could still take them out to dinner...she agreed but I'm not calling her. If she still wants to go, that's cool...she can call me. If not, that's alright too...I need no favors from her.

 

I am not going to rush her...NC is still being implemented because while I have been out of contact, it's obvious she has been thinking. I want her to come home or be with me in a new home, but I'll be fine if she doesn't. I have prepared for life without her and come to terms with the thought of her not loving me anymore.

[shamus]

good job my friend! we are all pulling for you. if you can work things out, great. if not, at least you are prepared to move on

[Torchbearer]

Awesome. I had really started thinking about contacting and trying to re kindle things or get closure until I read this post. I am sticking with NC. She may come back and she may not but I know I'll get stronger even though it sucks right now. Good luck.

[daregveda]

She actually followed through and met me for dinner with the girls. She showed up late, dressed and made up; we had a nice meal and conversation, nothing too heavy in front of the kids. She told me she's looking for an apartment near where she's staying, so as not to have to transfer my oldest daughter to another school. I told her to call me if they needed anything, even if it was just gas money. We talked about school, both my classes and her desire to go back to school, and our jobs. After dinner, we walked around the mall for awhile, then she dropped me off at home. In the car, she was about to say something, then stopped. I asked her what was wrong, she finally expressed reluctance toward moving to a new place. I told her my door was still open for her and the girls, but that I wanted to move also.

 

I haven't talked to her since then, she worked all weekend, as did I. I'll get my schedule tonight and call her tomorrow to see if she'll bring the girls my next day off. I'll have plans for us, and invite her as an "afterthought"...I'm willing to move in together wherever she wants to live if we can work things out, but I think it's too early to tell her that. We need to spend time together, alone, to resolve things and be sure that it's what we both want.

[NJRon]

I'm happy to hear how things are going with you. I'm glad you are being cautiously optimistic. I hope things continue in this vein

[daregveda]

Meant to call her yesterday after school to give her my schedule and set up a visit with my kids. She called me first. Mentioned she had found a place she liked and asked if she could borrow $300 for the security deposit. You can probably imagine my initial reaction, but thinking about it for a second, I took it as a good sign and agreed.

[NJRon]

I think anything to get her out of where she is now is a good thing

[Süsser Tod]

Getting her of the aunts house will be good for both of you and your girls, so help her however you can to get out of there.

 

By the way, daregveda, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

 

Damn, you've improved A LOT since the first time I readed your posts a couple months ago, I think that if it weren't for your username, I wouldn't be able to tell it is you.

[daregveda]

See, that's the way I'm thinking too. She left me in the weeds with the bills and took things with her that belonged to both of us...I owe her no favors. But getting her out of that house is key...and her asking me for the money to help is good for two reasons: she knows I have the money and she still sees me as someone she can count on. She wants to think about starting over and I'm okay with that, but first she wants to get settled into her new place. And if there's anything I can do to make it "our place", I have to try.

 

I agree that things have improved for me, but it's still too soon to celebrate. Last night was rough for some reason...I have more reason now to hope than ever, but for some reason I was missing her something awful and really depressed. Better today, but a little disappointed in myself.

[majord23]

Better today, but a little disappointed in myself.

 

Don't be hard on yourself mate. You had a down day....and what did you do about it? Nothing - and that is something to be proud of, not disappointed about my friend.

 

How many people here have down days and contact their exes as a result? You stayed strong and worked through it - the fact that you have been able to do that for so long has you in the position you are in now.

 

I've said it before: you are an inspiration to so many on the boards.

 

You are doing so well, and perhaps the increased amount of hope is what is making you feel a bit down. Maybe because you've had hope before that hasn't come to fruition: it's probably a 'deja vu' reaction.

 

Hang in there, we're all on your side.

[daregveda]

I made what could turn out to be a really good or really stupid move this weekend.

 

She called me Friday night, it was sort of late so I answered out of curiosity. She asked if I worked this weekend, and I told her I did. She asked if she could drop the girls off with me, I of course agreed and asked what was wrong. She said that her and the aunt she's been living with had a falling out and that things were really tense around their house. She doesn't pay rent there, but has spent over $600 in a month on groceries for the house and has been preparing dinner every night. Apparently an argument started about the choice of meals she purchased and prepared for her aunt's children and ours, and her aunt has started to show signs of being tired of all the extra company. I told her to go ahead and pack up the girls' clothes and bring them down in the morning when she got off work.

 

Her aunt's house goes up for sale next week, and the only place she's found so far won't be ready for three weeks. Given this fact, and the suddenly hostile environment at her aunt's, I had the "brilliant" idea to invite her to crash here at my house with the girls for a few days. I told her I wasn't expecting anything, that I would sleep on the couch and she could use the bedroom...to my surprise, she actually agreed. She got off work at 7am on saturday, brought the girls down, and went to sleep upstairs.

 

I didn't see her all day sunday, but I called her from work and told her that there was money in my wallet in case she needed gas or anything. When I got home, she had already left for work, but had bought trash bags and dish soap and had cleaned up the house. I called her later to ask if she could bring some milk and donuts for the girls' breakfast when she got off this morning. She dropped those off today, and then went to her sister's house a few blocks down to get some sleep. I'm not real sure why, my bed was empty and she knew I was about to leave for class. Either her sister needs her to babysit, or she doesn't feel comfortable enough to crash on what used to be our bed...but as of right now, she's coming and going and cleaning up the place as if it were her own...I'm even getting her a key made today.

 

In spite of my best efforts, I can't help hoping for...something. I may be setting myself up for another hole thru the heart, but I haven't been this happy for a while.

[Demond34]

Just keep showing her your independent but dependable side. If that makes sense to you. Stay focused on you by being responsible for your girls and the things you have going for you but don't bend over backwards for her, thats not what she wants. I wouldn't make any sudden movements towards her, or bring anything up until she does. Right now she seems, like she has alot on her plate, so just listen to what she says instead of diving in. Put the 3 C's Poco is always talking about to use.... Control, Confidence and Challenge. good luck man

[daregveda]

Makes perfect sense. She used to take care of me...now I'm taking care of her. She leaves with the kids today, my daughter still has a month of school left, with national testing. Nothing has been resolved, nothing attempted. We spent a few hours together yesterday, with the girls. We talked about houses she has looked at, I offered help with money. Later she took me to practice driving. I'll be taking my driver's test next week, with her help.

 

To be honest, I was hoping for something to happen. A late night physical encounter, a long heartfelt dialog about how great we used to be together, a day together as a family...anything. As much as I wanted to risk grabbing her by the face and kissing her, I didn't, nor would have had the opportunity. The few hours we saw each other between jobs, we were with our kids. I know I shouldn't put any pressure on her regarding us, but can't help feeling like I'm letting the best chance I've had just vanish into thin air.

 

Nonetheless, I'm staying the course. Today she goes back to her aunt's until the house goes up for sale. She still hasn't found a place of her own. She's bringing the girls down thursday to watch a movie and take me to practice parallel parking...after next week's driving test, it's NC with renewed vigor. She has said that once she's settled into her new place with our daughters, she's open to working on us. If that's really her intention, I saw no evidence of it this weekend. But I will wait for her. If she asks for help, I will give it, but I will not offer anything that doesn't concern my daughters directly.

[daregveda]

Probably shouldn't have invited her to stay...I've been a little down since she left. Although I told her I had no expectations, I suppose I did. I'm not exactly back to square one emotionally, but I'm a little sadder and a little more uncertain than I was last week. Part of me feels like she's leading me on, telling me we'll start over when she finds a new place so I'll help her. I know her though, and I shouldn't feel that way...I just have a hard time envisioning her running into my arms the minute she gets unpacked.

 

She's supposed to come with the girls this evening and watch a movie with us...I may not answer if she calls.

[NJRon]

Answer... there's no wrong. I know that you are putting yourself out there, but no more than you would a good friend. Reign in some of your feelings. Enjoy the company. Hang in there.

[daregveda]

Well...in spite of my intent to go back into NC, we've been in semi-regular contact lately. She's coming by to pick up her Mother's Day present from me sometime this week and I've already told her that I wanted to talk.

 

This may or not be the moment of truth. She informed me Friday that she's found a place and already put down the deposit. We talked about transferring the utilities that are still in her name. She asked about school, and whether or not I've been eating (?) Other than telling her that I'm planning to move soon myself, I really had nothing to say...just answered her questions and nodded a little, playing with the baby.

 

I'm going to ask her not to answer right away...to just hear me out and think about things. She has already showed an interest in working toward being a family again. She's asked me to make sacrifices that I'm willing to make, she's expressed concern about the girl I'd been seeing (who has told me recently that she's received hang up calls marked "private", just like a few others whos numbers show up on the cell bill) and she's acknowledged how hard I've been working.

 

My proposal...instead of being together and "pretending everything is okay" as she said the day before I posted this thread, we be together and WORK toward making everything okay. If she can be in love with a lazy burnout with no education or gainful employment, perhaps she can fall even more in love with the person I've been reshaping myself into. None of what I'm proposing will be immediate...there are loose ends to tie up before I can move out. But she was right when she said things would be easier for all if we could be together. I can pay the rent and bills and take the baby to daycare on my way to class, letting her focus on her new job and going back to school for her RN degree. By the end of this month, I'll have my driver's license and enough money banked for next month rent and bills. When I move, I have to move several large items that she'll need for her new home anyway...washer, dryer, entertainment center, etc.

 

Things could be better for all if we can work this out. That day on the phone, she took the first steps by bringing up the relationship. Perhaps it's on me now to follow through.

[daregveda]

She's coming by Thursday or Friday. Nervous as hell...please, someone tell me this isn't a horrible idea. I'm sure she has an idea what we'll be conversing about.

[NJRon]

Well, obviously who knows which way the winds will blow. However, I think the idea is reasonable. You two have made some serious strides. Present the idea, but don't pressure. She's already open to working on your relationship and there's no reason to create an issue where there isn't one.

[haley999]

I have been reading your threads for some time adn I am really proud of the steps you have taken to get yourself and your family on track.

 

Present to her your plan. But, don't be discouraged if she doesn't go for it right away. Although it sounds like life would be *easier* finanically and logistically if the two of you were to live together now - it may not be the best idea in the long run. It may be valuable to live separately for a while and get to know each other again without all of the pressures of daily life. There are still issues that need to be worked out, and the ability to have a little distance, i.e., different residences, while you work through some tough stuff may be beneficial. I don't think you want to "jump in" without testing the water first.

 

If possible - say that you want to be with her and work on your family. Make plans for a family day once a week AND, if you can, a date night just for the two of you to remember what it was that led you to love each other. If this is going to work, and I mean REALLY work, there should be NO rush. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with her, then no hurry, right? Have some fun for a bit, be connected and committed, and make sure you are both sure before the "plunge." A little more time now may save you some problems later on.

[becallamjr]

Well it seems that things are moving along quite nicely.