I'm breaking up with her today.

[sirkindirkin]

I'm breaking off a 3-year relationship. It's going to be very hard, and I very much fear her reaction. I'm doing it via email, which is dishonorable I know, but considering how severe her reaction was when I tried to break in the past, I feel it's the only way.

[ElektraHere]

After 3 years she gets an email saying you don't want to see her anymore.

HOW LAME!!! That is the most cowardly thing a person can do. Your not a man your a boy who has to hide behind a computer screen.

She is probably better off without you.

[itsallgrand]

What did she do last time? Is she violent/ abusive?

 

If not, I urge you to tell her in person.

[sirkindirkin]

I can't tell her in person because it is a long distance relationship. To my credit, it's a long email. She has threatened to hurt herself in the past, and she uses how miserable she is to get me to stay. The relationship is not healthy because of her possessiveness and jealousy, and I can't indulge her anymore.

[ocrob]

I am very torn. I get what electra said. Let's talk about this and find out the appropriate message. You sound like a nice guy. I would love a background on the situation. If you did not send the e-mail, then maybe we can help. Why are you breaking up? What is her situation? Do you care about her health? What can be done about her health? Is it possible to break up with her and take care of her?

[itsallgrand]

How about a telephone call? Yes, it will be difficult. However, it would be much kinder to do it as personally as possible.

Three years is a long time to end with a long email.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with ElektraHere. Breaking up a three year relationship through email is lame and cruel. How would you feel if a girl did that to you. Also, you owe it to her to break it off with her in person or at least through the phone since you guys have been together for three years. No wonder people like you give a bad name to guys.

[sirkindirkin]

Well, I'm going to talk briefly with her on the phone first, but I'm putting my feelings down in the email, because I have trouble expressing myself with her.

 

My background is in my other posts, so please search for my user name to find out the situation.

[evy38]

If you don't want to indulge her anymore, then don't. But, at the very least have the guts to pick up the phone and break up personally, if it is impossible to do it in person. Email breakups are a cowards way out and it sounds like you want to do the honorable thing with her. You know the email is wrong which is why you are troubled enough to post here.

[ElektraHere]

I think you are lazy (hence telling us to look up your problem), your weak (emailing her instead of telling her over the phone at least), careless (if you think she will hurt herself then an email will do what?)

 

How old are you?

[sirkindirkin]

Well, I was troubled enough to post because the whole relationship is troubling. It's not that I'm a coward, it's that she will refuse to hear me out if I try to tell her things otherwise. That's why I'm writing down my thoughts, so she can get them. I'd rather do it in person, and hand her a letter, but that is impossible at this point.

 

If you don't want to indulge her anymore, then don't. But, at the very least have the guts to pick up the phone and break up personally, if it is impossible to do it in person. Email breakups are a cowards way out and it sounds like you want to do the honorable thing with her. You know the email is wrong which is why you are troubled enough to post here.

[itsallgrand]

Well, what you could do is take the email, look it through for the truly important points you want to make, prep yourself, then call her and tell her you need to talk.

Go through what you need to say calmly. If she refuses to listen; there is nothing you can do about that.

Tell her your goodbyes and that is that.

 

Give Her the Benefit of the Doubt and the courtesy/respect to share your feelings personally.

 

The email is a very bad idea. Please don't do it.

[sirkindirkin]

I think you are lazy (hence telling us to look up your problem), your weak (emailing her instead of telling her over the phone at least), careless (if you think she will hurt herself then an email will do what?)

 

How old are you?

 

The details of the relationship are complicated--too complicated to relay here. I'm not a weak person - it's strange that you would jump to that judgement so quickly.

 

I shouldn't have posted the original message I guess, because of course people are going to react like that without knowing the details. If you knew my situation, you would see how things would only be worse if I tried any other way. Anyways, I know I shouldn't have sought advice like this; I've spoken with people intimately aware of the situation, and they agree that I should write down my feelings and give them to her.

[Scout]

Hmmm...I've actually followed your threads, and to be honest, there is very little background on your relationship. Yes, you do portray her as a very insecure person, but what is hard to get a grasp on, is why you have stayed with her for three years if she makes you that unhappy.

 

Something doesn't add up. I noticed in one of your threads, you said even if she wasn't jealous and possessive, you wouldn't be ready for a serious relationship for years. So that really puts into question your main motive for breaking up with her. Also, if you are genuinely concerned she'll hurt herself, you would know that she would interpret an email break up as the most hurtful one possible.

 

I'm not saying your girlfriend doesn't have some major problems in how she approaches her relationships, but something seems very disconnected within you, too. I can't quite put my finger on it. But it appears you have been going along with the dynamics of this relationship for years, and suddenly, you want out of it in the easiest way possible.

 

Again, something just isn't adding up to me. But, based on your limited information, I can't give additional feedback to fully explain why.

[furakura]

I don't know your exact situation but i want to say this: you were in a relationship with her for 3 years. That warrants at least a phonecall, not just an email. If you can't love her anymore, at least let her go with respect and decency.

 

I have been dumped via email after 8 months LDR and 2 months on, i am still trying to pick up the pieces. So i know so awful she's gonna feel when she reads that email.

[sirkindirkin]

Again, something just isn't adding up to me. But, based on your limited information, I can't give additional feedback to fully explain why.

 

I have put everything into this relationship, and have tried to justify staying based on how hurt she would be. You are right that this relationship seems odd - it is really charged with fear and insecurity. It's truly not that I'm lazy, but I feel it very difficult to convey the nature of the relationship - we are both unique individuals, and have a very strange dynamic.

 

I'm not suddenly seeking the easiest way - I'm only doing after much strife and agravation, and I'm going to talk with her first. I lose my words when I'm faced with severe reactions though, and that's why I'm utilizing email.

 

Anyways, again, i shouldn't have posted in the first place, because I gave off the wrong idea - I was just very nervous and tense and seeking an outlet.

[Scout]

I don't mean to judge you as a callous person, it's becoming clear that you genuinely don't do well with conflict, and probably internalize a great deal to boot, rather than confronting relationship problems head on. Now, that's not saying you're cowardly, it just means there is something you are really going to have to overcome if you ever want to be in a healthy relationship. There are two primary reasons why:

 

First, what if in the future, your partner does or says something you interpret in a negative light, but to avoid "causing trouble" for lack of a better term, you choose to suppress your feelings about it. And let's say your partner said or did that thing for a completely different reason than what you're assuming. But, you'd never know because you never brought it up to give them the chance to explain where they were coming from.

 

Second, and the best way to explain this reason is from an exerpt of an article I read once called "Relationship Boredom Can Be Deadly": one cause of boredom in relationships is the effort to exclude feelings that might cause trouble.The process goes something like this: I am angry at my partner. Yet, if I let that emotion show, my partner may withdraw or otherwise punish me. I don't want that to happen; so, to protect myself, I will more than keep my indignation quiet, I won't even experience it myself.

 

However, since feelings are spontaneous and go in unpredictable directions, any feeling for my partner that I allow myself may stimulate my anger. Consequently, I decide not to feel anything, and I allow myself only the most superficial, meaningless contact with my partner, lest I feel.

 

So, in the interests of maintaining a controlled, untroubled relationship, I choke off all feelings and withdraw from caring. All passion dies; and the relationship, for me, becomes boring and nearly meaningless. Why? Because I don't live in it anymore. And neither does your partner anymore!!

 

As you can see, withholding your feelings ultimately will damage even a healthy relationship. That's something you might want to consider working on in the future, because conflict will arise in every relationship, whether your partner is jealous and insecure, or not.

 

Hope this feedback helps a bit.

[tylercdurden2004]

Do what you have to do. Yes email is not the best way to do it but if she is unable to listen or is in anyway aggressive then you have every right to end how you see fit. I would try to do it over the phone if at all possible.

[Mrocza]

I think an email is a pretty harsh way to end it with someone.

 

If you feel you're better expressing yourself on paper, write down the points you want to say and bring them up on the phone.

 

You owe her atleast that much - honesty and a bit of respect for her feelings. She can threaten all she wants but you were honest with her about your feelings and cared enough about hers to actually tell her what you were feeling in regards to her.

 

It may have not worked in the past, but an email is just too harsh. Think about it.

[Beyondthesea]

I agree. I would give her a phone call, and if she threatens to kill or harm herself, phone her parents, a friend, or emergency.

[ocrob]

It is so hard to judge and know why people do what they do. If you are a good guy, then I may sympathize with you. Three years is a long time and I am wondering why you would do it over e-mail? You may have a very respectable reason, but I would like to know why. I am guessing that you have a good reason, but I would love to know why. Please give us a reason?

[lucia]

Well I'm sure he has a good reason. Cause you don't end 3-year relationship just like that. If it's a long distance relationship I can understand it. Of course breaking up it's always awful.

 

I just hope you made a right decission and I wish you good luck.

[Betty Rubble]

They say breaking up with a counselor present is the safest. If you spent 3 years with her, even though you are far away, isn't she worth it?

[RandomAdvisor]

I read through your previous post about this, and noticed that DN was actually the one to bring up the possibility of breaking up with her via e-mail.

 

Yeah, it may be harsh, but if that's what you feel you have to do to get things done, then by all means do it. However, I think it would really be better if you called her and at least said a few words to her via phone. Something like "The relationship is over. I'm sorry but this just isn't going to work. I've sent you an e-mail explaining everything." And then politely but firmly end the conversation after giving her a brief chance to respond. Remind her once again to check e-mail, and hang up.

 

Then turn your phone off (if it's a cell) or unplug it if it's a home phone.

[sirkindirkin]

I spoke with her over the phone, and then sent the email much later. We are still talking though... The relationship is really complicated. We've tried counseling and such. Anyways, like I said before, I shouldn't have posted such a brief comment with so few details - I was just feeling frustrated and needed an outlet. I like this bored though, and appreciate the insightful responses.