Can men and women just be friends?

[Jhodas]

But what if the girl is so extremely attractive to you, that you find her to be the most attractive girl you have even seen in years, the most. Would it still be possible for you to handle a 'friends only' relationship with her?

 

Then you would have a crush on/be in love with her.

 

I think you're missing my point. I said attractions are not always sexual. Whichever gender you make friends with, you are going to be drawn to these people in some way.

 

There's a girl that I'm CRAZY about. I would much rather be her friend than not know her at all. CRAZY...almost literally.

 

That's dangerous ground in my experience, and the wrong reason to be friends with a woman. You will always be craving something more, and you will never give yourslef the time needed to get over your own feelings So that you can be friends.

 

To some extent, this is a case by case scenario, every case is different.

[Dako]

I can't help but suspect that extemely horny and frustrated people see these friendships as impossible because they might assume everyone is so urgently presoccupied with mating.

I've had some good friendships with women when I was single and while married. A couple of ladies were very good friends while I did my best to hide my infatuation, and they seemed to respect my restraint. Maybe the tension was interesting to them, or they felt flattered, but it worked well.

Although I'm still a guy, aging has given me a sense of responsibility that was lacking in my youth. I more often see women as sisters. Luckily they all look way better than my own sister, or I'd be more depressed.

 

One night while camping with my wife and two lesbian couples, we talked about how comfortable we felt with each other, and how we all make build our life in our own way. I'm probably less judgemental and narrow than in my 20s. I think almost anything is possible.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[RayKay]

And a great 2 cents it is Dako! I agree with your take, which is why I do think it is something that is very individual to each person.

 

I think saying "men and women can't be friends" is a generalization often based on personal experience or outlook, just as saying "men and women can be friends" is based on the same.

 

How about SOME women and SOME men can be friends?

 

Also do people have the same perspective for those whom are homosexual? I mean, those whom believe men and women can't be friends, would they assume that gay men can't be friends, or lesbians? Can a straight female and a gay female be friends? What about a gay male and a straight male?

 

Personally, I think opposite sex's, same sex's, different orientations, same orientations can all be friends depending on the individual people INVOLVED. It is entirely possible that the other is not their type, entirely possible they don't have a romantic connection, and entirely possible even if one does have a crush, they work through it and move forward as friends.

[novaseeker]

Also do people have the same perspective for those whom are homosexual? I mean, those whom believe men and women can't be friends, would they assume that gay men can't be friends, or lesbians? Can a straight female and a gay female be friends? What about a gay male and a straight male?

 

I've actually thought a bit about this specific issue over the past few days as a result of this thread.

 

I think these kinds of relationships raise the same issues as relationships between straight women and straight men: as you say, it's about the individuals involved, and whether they are up to that kind of pure friendship.

 

For myself, I *do* sometimes find myself becoming attracted to straight men who are friends (and I know that happens with other bi or gay men as well), but that's an easier case because if you know they are straight it's easier to bury the attraction to them because it isn't going to go anywhere anyway. If I'm hanging around with other men who are gay, it's more like the straight man/straight woman scenario, and it depends. For me, if I am attracted to another gay/bi man emotionally it's very, very hard to be platonic friends with him in anything other than a more cursory, acquaintance-type way. There's just an attraction there, and it will want to be expressed at some point. If I am not emotionally or otherwise attracted to him, then there's no obstacle to overcome to a more purely platonic friendship. But again, as you rightly point out, every person is different.

[k2004myway]

You know, I had a situation where I had a girl in my life who a couple of years before I would have never thought of considering her in *that way*. We hung out a lot, but I never really thought of her that way. However, one day as I was watching her do some things and hanging out with her, it hit me that this was quite a quality girl and someone I should really consider *that way*. I decided against it for various reasons, but ended up with a far more mature understanding of the kind of woman I want. And a good point--don't ever use the word just when talking about friends. Friends are never a *just*.

 

As for why woman like guy friends--I've been told that guys aren't catty or manipulative (as a guy, I disagree on the manipulative--we just manipulate differently), that they have a certain level of security in having those relationships (always a teddy bear available) and we don't harbor resentment for small offenses--that is after a good fight, we still regard the other party as a friend.

[Derek]

Others said it well...

 

For myself personally, I have female friends at work I talk to every day, some are my mother's age, some are my age, some younger, some married, some with boyfriends. I am "friends" with all of them. Sure, the ladies 25 years older than me, I see no romantic connection with but they are fun to talk with too! But I am particularly careful about the conversations and time I spend with eligible women. That's what I think the original question was asking.

 

There are some boundaries that are in place because of an office environment. Also they are friends in the context of work, not in the same league as buddies you talk about life's joy and pain with.

 

I still think men and women that have no barriers to becoming more intimate than friends will naturally go that way. They can try to impose boundaries with each other, but usually one or the other will not be able to keep the boundary (whether secretly or not). The boundary needs to be continuously reinforced.

 

 

- Derek

 

P.S. A guy will endure and bury his feelings and try to "be a friend" to a girl he's crushing on alot longer than a girl could endure.

[monsieur]

P.S. A guy will endure and bury his feelings and try to "be a friend" to a girl he's crushing on alot longer than a girl could endure.

 

yes for sure, if I really really am attracted to a girl and want to love and be loved by her, I could probably do the friend thing for years, maybe very subtly hinting once and a while for more, but always and every day enduring the heartache and pain of unrequited love. It's a suffering existence, but ending the friendship and not being around her at all would be even more painful suffering.

[CarnelianButterfly]

P.S. A guy will endure and bury his feelings and try to "be a friend" to a girl he's crushing on alot longer than a girl could endure.

So are we weaker by that or more intelligent to realize that we have better things to do?

[monsieur]

it's an emotional thing, so I don't think intelligence has anything to do with it

 

And for sure you are not weaker, on the contrary you are much stronger.

 

My heart is my weakness, it causes me to put myself in situations that are not necessarily the best path to take to avoid trouble, but I am compelled to follow my heart, even if it means that I will be wasting time and be doomed to have a broken heart in the end.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

yes for sure, if I really really am attracted to a girl and want to love and be loved by her, I could probably do the friend thing for years, maybe very subtly hinting once and a while for more, but always and every day enduring the heartache and pain of unrequited love. It's a suffering existence, but ending the friendship and not being around her at all would be even more painful suffering.

 

 

I may just be a cheesy romantic, but that is quite possibly the sweetest thing I have ever heard. You can't help but feel bad for the guy when it's put that way.

[monsieur]

thank you yin, it's nice to not be criticized for my foolish heart for a change

 

and my friend is still pretty good to me, she invites me on long walks on the beach and dinners and stuff, she just doesn't feel it romantically for me like I do for her. I would do anything for her to help her, it just feels so right for me to, she gives me a purpose, something I care for, someone to love....

[the yang to the worlds yin]

I think we can all relate to that every once in a while Monsieur.I mean who doesn't want to be loved back by the objects of their affection?

[the yang to the worlds yin]

And it's far from a foolish heart, don't let anyone tell you differently.

[langford]

It's ironic that we all want love, but when it's offered to us in any sort of form,we are selective about from whom or where we accept it.Very sad as humans really.

 

I think the ways in which one person can love another are pretty infinite and the different forms of love are probably just as numerous.

[monsieur]

yes

 

another thing I think about sometimes is how love is supposed to be the greatest emotion and just the greatest overall concept as well, yet so much pain seems to go along with being in love alot of the time...

[ocrob]

I would like to add to this, which I think nobody will read. Of course men and women can be friends. Can ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends be friends is another story. I will address the first. I had two female roomates in college and they were like sisters. I honestly loved them so much and had no sexual attraction to them. I think the feelings were mutual so yes, we can be friends. Can we be friends with ex's? This is where it gets more complicated. I think either once your are both over each other or have found someone else, then it is a lot easier. Time heals all wounds. I am still in love with the ex, but getting closer and closer to only missing her friendship and nothing else. Soon, we will be friends. I went four months with NC to set the stage for what I want. I am not ready yet, but I do want her friendship. You have to appreciate good people and people you get along with. My two female roomates from college were awesome. I have only kept in touch with one because she was my favorite. No sexual tension at all and just an awesome friend. We talk a few times a year and I love her as a sister. I guess the question should have been more direct. Can you be friends with an ex? Usually, it is not convenient after you are over them, but once you are, then of course. It is kind of fun.

[Relationship Coach]

I would like to add to this, which I think nobody will read.

 

With an opening line like that, my deductive reasoning puts you as a very successful outside sales rep.

 

Your post was valid and puts a twist on this, the answers could be interesting.

 

RC

[romeo0328]

I think its funny to see that most women say yes.

Ok ladies, i'm going to bust you bubble now.

The answer is NO

Unless the guy is gay, every guy that i have ever met that has a female "friend" sees the possibility of sex in their future

Jerry

 

I totally agree. That's the way males were built and that's how all the different species survive. For milions of years. Has always worked and it always will. Most of the men I know wouldn't mind having sex with their girl pals if they could and unless she is not too ugly. My current girlfriend insists on making friends with guys which kind of really annoys me. She says the guys she chooses to be her pals will never want to be more then just firends and that she cannot find a "just friend" attractive" or be attracted to him. How naive is this??? Forgot to mention that she met me when she was dating someone else, I even knew the dude. She then wanted to be friends with me and a couple of days after he broke up, bang! she started dating me. So much concerning the impossibility of not beeing attracted to a guy pal. That's total BS!!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

With an opening line like that, my deductive reasoning puts you as a very successful outside sales rep.

 

RC

 

no doubt i didn't respond for the mere reason that i felt it would be a bit redundant.

[ocrob]

Hi Relationship Coach,

 

You are funny. I only said that because I thought I was at the end of the thread and nobody was reading it anymore. Yes, I am in sales. lol

[Dako]

I'm not reading this thread, that's for sure.

[Spawn]

talking of being friends with exs...

 

have any of you been friends with with your 1st gf?.....later on in life i mean.

[ocrob]

I will digress for a second and ask this question. Why do men and maybe some women post pictures of very attactive women? I peronally don't get it, but maybe I am slow. I think that it is cool to post a cartoon pic or something, but not a real person. It's totally cool to be silent, but don't post a picture that is not you. This is just my opinion, but it bothers me. Either show yourself or don't, but don't post some model. I don't care about posting my picture, but I would if I knew how. It would not be something special, but it would be better than posting some model.

[Boricua7]

I will digress for a second and ask this question. Why do men and maybe some women post pictures of very attactive women? I peronally don't get it, but maybe I am slow. I think that it is cool to post a cartoon pic or something, but not a real person. It's totally cool to be silent, but don't post a picture that is not you. This is just my opinion, but it bothers me. Either show yourself or don't, but don't post some model. I don't care about posting my picture, but I would if I knew how. It would not be something special, but it would be better than posting some model.

 

Why does it matter?

[Relationship Coach]

Not sure who you are referring to but my avatar happens to be my wife and I on our wedding day. I'm sure if you ask an admin or mod, they could walk you through the steps to post an avatar. I also know for a fact that Dako's avatar is really Dako!

 

RC