Loveless / Sexless Marriage

[DonnaK]

 

In September, I will be married 25 years (if I last that long.) About 10 years ago, my husband could not perform sexually, and it took him 18 months before he went to a Dr. to find a solution to the problem. Unfortunately, it never "worked" right. He even got a prescription for Viagra, and after having the prescription for over a month (and knowing that he had a follow-up Dr's appt. the next day) decided that he might as well try it. Recently, it's been so bad, we haven't had sex in almost 3 years. He admits that he's depressed, but he's seeing another dr. and on medication. However, when he comes home from work, he runs to work on his computer all night, or sleeps, never interacting with me. He spends his weekends working as well - but I know that he's not working all the time and fooling around on his computer at least 1/2 the time. He promises to take me to movies or to dinner, but something else always comes up. We haven't been out to dinner alone or to a movie in about 2 years. I can't remember the last time he touched my face or held my hand or kissed me. It's a chore for him to go to a party at one of the neighbors, and I cry when I see how happy everyone else is. He always says he's sorry, and then three days later we're back to the same old story.

 

Earlier this week, when I wanted him to talk to me/spend a bit of time with me, he decided to go to bed (it was only 9pm.) I blew up and said how it pains him to spend any time with me. Yesterday, as I was downstairs doing the wash and doing some chores (we both work, and my only time to get things done is early evening) he said he needed to work. In-between folding clothes and changing the wash, I sat and read or watched tv and tried not to disturb him as he said he had a deadline and lots to do. At 8:30pm I went upstairs to put some of the clothes away and found him in his office, with the lights out, the computer never on, sleeping on the sofa. I lost it. I DON'T want to be with him anymore. I have no one to turn to (friends, family, etc.) Our son is 20 and I can't burden him with his father. Joe comments on how his dad is turning into an old man like his grandfather (he is only 48.)

 

I want to write a letter to his shrink and make him aware of the problems I have. It isn't normal not to have sex for three years. I have needs too and instead of having an affair (I am so tempted) I watch porn to satisfy myself.

 

I work full time, cook, clean, do the wash, etc. His only responsibility in the house is yard work and feeding our cats and dogs.

 

Am I the only one with problems like this? Sex was great before our marriage and then just ok for the first 15 years, and now totally non-existent. I know he saw a new dr. about 1 month ago, but the new medication he has just stay in the medicine chest. I've accused him of having an affair (he has to be getting it somewhere) but I have no proof.

 

If someone else is going through the same thing, please give me a bit of advise.

 

Thanks!

[Chibi_usagi_noodles]

I don't declare a divorce, because you two have been threw so much in your lives, and if you do it will take a long while to find someone else you've shared so much with in so little time. I suggest warning him, as in telling him straight, what you want, and if he doesn't feel like giving it to you, then mayb you should move on, but tell him how you feel and tell him if it doesn't begin to work out mayb you should find amusement else where for your sake, Tell him to stop being selfish and to think about you.

Hope this has helped!

Keep me posted

peace!

[secret_agent_man]

Donna,

I really feel for you, I'm sure it's really hard right now. Think about opening up to your husband, and telling him what you told us. I know you've already talked about this with him, but he may not realize that you are considering leaving the marriage. I'm sure he knows that you are having problems, but you should think about telling him how severe this is to you.

 

From the sounds of it, it doesn't sound to me like he's having an affair, it sounds to me like he's depressed (as you already know). Don't think that it's your fault, I doubt that's why he's going through this.

 

If there's nothing you can do, SwingFox is exactly right, you need to make yourself happy. You only live once (as far as I know), and if the situation is beyond help, you may have to make a hard decision. Whatever you do, don't drag youself into the ground over this, it may not be in your control.

 

Thank you for being strong and staying faithful to your husband for this long. It means a lot to me that dedication can still mean something, and that people can have so much respect for committment. I definitely think it would be a mistake to have an affair. If you feel the need to go somewhere else for affection, you're probably best just to do it peacefully and when you've moved on, you wouldn't want to do something you might regret for the rest of your life. Keep your head up, take things one day at a time right now, but do what you need to do for yourself.

 

Good luck!

S.A.M.

[netman]

You and your husband have 25 years together. He continues to do all the wrong things, so it's obvious that you talking to him is not going to help anymore. I suggest marriage counseling. If he agrees, then he's proving that he wants to make this work. If he doesn't, then I think you should leave him. I know that it'll be hard to leave your husband because of reasons like you're probably comfortable with your living arrangements, etc, but you have to think, "do I want to live like this for the rest of my life?"

 

I wish you luck in whatever decision you make.

[Veronique]

Hi! 25 years in a marriage is a long time and does indicate your commitment to your husband. My husband and I have been married for 26 years and I have thought of divorce at times, too. We were recently separated and I found that to be very lonely so I came home. No guts no glory, I guess. My suggestion to you is to go to counseling on your own and get some help figuring out what you want. I can suggest not having an affair - that will only end up hurting you - I know, I've been there.

I can say for sure that you have lived long enough without the companionship and intimacy that you deserve!!!!!!!!!

Best of luck!

[Malodorous]

I was sorry to read your post. Mostly because I can so very well identify with it.

 

I have been married 14 1/2 years, and have two great kids ages 5 and 7. The physical aspect of our relationship has never been outstanding. But up until about 3 1/2 years ago, we were somewhat regular anyway. I have no idea what flipped a switch in her mind, but at about that point we pretty much stopped altogether.

 

For a short while whe would occasionally (once a month or so) consent to "sleeping" with me. But it was very much clear she was not at all interested.....

 

The monthly began to slip away, and we have had sex twice in the last year. As of late, she cannot even stand for me to touch her at all. The most basic contact visibly repulses her.

 

I am not having an affair. Nor is she. She is a stay at home mother with no driver's license and she has always been very much a home-body, borderline agoraphobic, who has throughout our marriage refused to make any friends at all.

 

I have begun to reach the end of my rope. I am only 35 years old, and have what I think is a normal sex drive. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this is more than I can stand.

 

The really sad part is, beyond this our marriage seems to be better than ever before.

 

I don't know...maybe it is all me....but every time I even mention sex she flies off the handle "Is that all you think about?????"

 

Anyone with any advice that does not involve the "D" word?

[Victoria97]

DonnaK -

 

Your posting touched my heart. I know personally what it feels like to live so many years in a loveless marriage. It is a degrading spiral that never ends but sadly gets worse. I lived it for 29 years always hoping praying and doing double duty to "make a happy home." I wanted a Happy Family ever since I can remember and gave it my all. The advice I want to give to you is put your energy into self-love. It is a very difficult thing for people like us to do when we desire so strongly solid loving relationships but it has been the only way I have been able to move forward. It has been a slow process because I am training those around me to respect my decision and allow me to move forward. Of course they do not want that and cause me great pain. They only know the life I created, the one that revolves around them. These family members (children and relatives) are ruthless in their critizing and scare tactics. I am wounded daily by them. But I am determined to create a life where my love is returned, appreciated and valued. DonnaK, I wish you clarity and peace in your journey.

[tina-rocks]

Hi,

 

I can really relate to this as well as I will have been married for 12 years this November and have been with my husband since 19 so 17 years in total.

 

Talk about bolt out of the blue when they just come home one day and say "it just died". That was 3 months ago now. Still having difficulty with it. I can see everyday he's pulling further away and my heart breaks a little more each time.

 

He will be divorcing me next year but is waiting until after christmas as I am having an operation next month so he is giving me time to recover.

 

I really feel for all of us suffering this way. I could cope with a thousand operations rather than deal with this pain.

 

Take care everyone

 

Tina

[KAT MOMMY]

Hey Donna-

I am only 28 so being married for 25 years alone quite a lot! I know the love is concrete but at the same time I feel as if you need to have your needs met and if he can't perform then he should at least talk to you about it--something. I think he may be embaressed but at the same time the fact that he constantly puts it off makes me think that there is some other outlet and he's not being honest about.

I know the old saying if you seek you shall find-well at this point you just may have everything to gain and virtually nothing to lose. I am sorry if I sound insensitive-it's not that I understand and feel your pain OMG I'm sorry but if I were you I'd check and investigate further and then if you do decide to divorce him you will have the grounds to do so.