Is sex really necessary?

[Prenkle]

I've read a few posts here about how not having sex in a marriage may be grounds for divorce. Is sex really that important to a guy?

 

It takes years to build a relationship. I can't believe you would throw that away just because you're not getting any. Doesn't companionship and friendship count for anything?

 

Maybe I just don't understand the male sex drive, but it's hard to imagine a guy suddenly wanting to have sex all the time when he's in the middle of doing regular things - like having breakfast or mowing the lawn.

[MetalGuitar]

It takes years to build a relationship. I can't believe you would throw that away just because you're not getting any. Doesn't companionship and friendship count for anything?

 

A marriage is built on more than friendship and companinioship... I think that those two terms describe friendship pretty well. In a lot of cases in marriages where sex doesn't occur, it feels like two roomates bunking together rather than a marriage.

 

Ya know, it's quite a common misconception that all guys are after sex... however for a lot of guys, it's more than that. Having sex with their partner is the closest form of intimacy, it's a way that they feel wanted and loved... For a lot of guys, it's more than, "just having sex" and it means more than most will know.

[Dr. Faust]

First of all, friendship and companionship are important to most people. But if that's all you will base a relationship on, how would your partner be different than the rest of your friends?

 

Secondly, why don't you want to have sex with this guy? I mean, maybe he is taking this as an insult, and figuring that you're just using him, or something.

[kellbell]

Okay...

 

Yes, a healthy sex life is very important in a relationship. I also say, yes, friendship and companionship is important but sex also is important. Otherwise, your partner will be nothing more than a good friend.

 

I was in a relationship for a very long time with a man whom I connected with in all levels except in the sex department. I was never attracted to him and sex was alwful and I felt so detached from him and lonely. I dreaded it with him. I did not have the special and intimate connection with him that is necessary for a relationship. Plus when the sex is less than satisfying, then the problem seeps into other facets of the relationship. It can build resentment and hostility and in some cases, infedility.

 

But when you connect with someone in a very intimate way...sex can be very beautiful and bring couples closer than ever. All of this is all my humble opinion of course.

[onmyownagain]

Also, If you ask your wife to make love and she says I have a headache, tired or whatever, after a few days of this the feeling of rejection is something else! Believe me, this is when men start thinking about going elsewhere.

[amtjrtcet]

I think sex is very important in a relationship. Have the two of you been sexually active before??

[arwen]

Well, I think that if partners have big differences in 'drive', problems could arise, yes. There is a difference between wanting sex 'all the time' and just having the need for this kind of intimacy on a regular basis. The frequency of this need varies per person, I think.

 

I wonder why you ask this question. Do you have little to no sexdrive yourself? Or a partner who wants it constantly?

 

For me, there are a few things core to a romantic relationship. In addition to a very strong friendship, there is an aspect in it that involves intimacy that distinguishes a romantic relationship from other forms of relationships. This intimacy can be translated into different things: there is emotional intimacy, sharing things with your partner that you don't share with (m)any other people and physical intimacy that can be sex, other forms of touching, cuddling, etc. There are people who are fond of cuddling but not of sex, and vice versa. The needs are quite different per person, also among men. I had a bf in the past and we had sex very often. We both wanted to. I had another bf who was asexual and didn't want to have sex at all, but who liked to cuddle. It has opened my eyes to the apparent 'spectrum' of needs.

 

I can imagine that on the long road, I wouldn't be satisfied with the asexual guy, I'd still want sex, and he wouldn't. The thing is, once the difference in this aspect is too big, one partner starts to get frustrated, which can also affect other aspects in the relationship. It can eventually lead to alienation. If you have big differences, and still both want the relationship, communication is the key, I think.

 

Ilse

[Prenkle]

I have a sex drive. It's just not noticeable because I'm usually busy with a lot of other things in my life.

[AwdreeHpburn]

MetalGuitar - I think you articualte the point very well. I have come to learn and believe what you said about sex being a form of intimacy for men.

 

I think men feel really close and intimate with their partner when sex is present. Women just don't need sex to feel closeness. We need words and attention or gifts...

 

Now, of course this is not to say that men (or women) don't use sex for other reasons but we're talking about it as it pertains to marriage.

 

That's just my two cents, take it for what its worth.

[BellaDonna]

I've read a few posts here about how not having sex in a marriage may be grounds for divorce. Is sex really that important to a guy?

 

I think sex is VERY important in any relationship. I don't think that is something specific to guys either. I would not throw my marriage away due to sexual problems, but I would definitly not be a happy camper if my husband no longer wanted to have sex..... It would definitely be an issue he'd have to eventually resolve for the marriage to last.

 

Doesn't companionship and friendship count for anything?

 

It does, but as Dr. Faust suggested, sex is what makes your partner different than the other people in your life. Sex is a special bond that you share.

 

Maybe I just don't understand the male sex drive, but it's hard to imagine a guy suddenly wanting to have sex all the time when he's in the middle of doing regular things - like having breakfast or mowing the lawn.

 

I'd say that this is pretty common. I do believe men think about it more throughout the course of the day while doing unrelated tasks. I get flirty e-mails from my husband while he's at work that tell me he's thinking about it at weird times- In contrast, I would not imagine being able to think about sex while I'm at work because it's just such an unsexy environment to be in. I think many women have to have the right "tone" set for them in order to think about sex while many men CAN think about it while mowing the lawn. Either way, if you can find common ground and desire each other sexually at the end of the day, it will make your marriage better.

 

BellaDonna

[Bethany]

Is sex really that important to a guy?

 

but it's hard to imagine a guy suddenly wanting to have sex all the time when he's in the middle of doing regular things - like having breakfast or mowing the lawn.

 

Nevermind the guys, I think it's really important too.

 

I always feel like sex. And yes, in the middle of doing regular things too, including mowing the lawn.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Also, If you ask your wife to make love and she says I have a headache, tired or whatever, after a few days of this the feeling of rejection is something else! Believe me, this is when men start thinking about going elsewhere.

I really think that is an awful thing to say, that really illustrates the lack of consideration for the other person and proves that the relationship isn't really a serious commitment. I have both migraines and chronic back pain, there are several days that I don't want to even move and couldn't even imagine engaging in sexual activity. By your assertion I'm rejecting my significant other when in fact I truly am in pain and sex will only aggravate that. Maybe instead of thinking that way, you should put your needs for sexual gratification aside and invest your energy in the wellbeing of your partner.

[BellaDonna]

I think if a few days of rejection can lead you to want to look elsewhere, then your commitment to the relationship must not be that strong.

 

Sex is very important- but understanding and compromise are also important. Not wanting to have sex for a physical or medical reason is different than simply rejecting someone. The commitment of marriage is supposed to be "in sickness and in health", "for better or for worse".

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

I am female, and I think sex is very important - it's not just the act or the pleasure of the act - it's the intimacy, the bond that is created, it's the mutual exploration, sharing, the vulnerability you expose, the silliness that becomes involved.

 

Of course friendship, partnership and companionship are extremely important for a successul, happy relationship/marriage, however in my opinion the sexual intimacy is also part and parcel of all of this. Of course there are going to be periods where there is not as much sex - life brings along with it illness, extreme stress and so forth - but this is not a dealbreaker - these are things that have to be considered, worked with. No one should demand their partner to be up for it when they are going through chemo or recovering from surgery for example! There is other forms of intimacy you can have to keep the bond alive, while being understanding and flexible.

 

I would be extremely concerned if my partner for example was unwilling to work through issues around sexual intimacy.

 

For example....I have noticed a change in my libido in the past couple years - it is still there, I still am interested in sex, but there was a change in my physical response and I know for me that was not natural. I chose to pursue why, in the interest of myself and my sexual relationship with my partner. I finally linked it to the birth control pill that I have been on for years, but is only now causing issues. More research had me finding this is not uncommon. I chose to find another method of birth control, and my libido is starting to creep back again. I again am wanting to have sex and thinking of it in the oddest times, like when folding the laundry or while working out...I could of just gone on and ignored the changes in my libido, but why? Why would I want that for myself or my partner?

 

Of course people have varying libidos, some couples are happy with sex once a week, some want it twice a day.....what's right for one is not for another, but this is something couples need to work through together. When one couple has a dramatically different sex drive, it can really lead to feelings of rejection and a rip in the bond of intimacy for some. I have been on the flip side with a past partner, and it really sucks!

 

When you are having a great sexual relationship with your partner, sex is only 5-10% of the relationship. When it takes a turn for the worse though, suddenly it tends to become the most important factor. Sometimes couples don't even "notice" it. They let life take over - they get busy with work, with kids, with chores. Next thing they know, the kids are grown, and they have lost that connection to one another. The bond has eroded, the intimacy faded. While it seems unromantic, sometimes you have to make TIME for sex, it does not make it unexciting, you can have a great wind up to it, but you have to make it an important part of your relationship. It is important.

[Boricua7]

...it's hard to imagine a guy suddenly wanting to have sex all the time when he's in the middle of doing regular things - like having breakfast or mowing the lawn.

 

Women do it too! I know I do.

 

Like everyone has stated before, sex is what separates your partner from everyone else. It's because you want to share that part of you with only them that makes it so special. It's a form of intimacy, a statement of your adoration for the person you're with. Without that, it's very easy for your partner to feel unloved and unwanted.

 

No sex is not a good reason for divorce. I mean, I would not be happy if my husband and I were never intimate but that does not change that I love my husband. With people who have different sex drives, compromise is in order. Sometimes, sex drives die down when one partner does not make the other partner feel sexy or good about themselves. The bond between the two of you that makes sex so exciting and makes your relationship special has now been broken. This is when couples counseling comes in.

 

No matter what, if two people love eachother, something can be done to make both partners happy and both people should be willing to compromise to help (and even save) the relationship.

[onmyownagain]

Don't get me wrong. I am not talking about sex all the time then after a few days off, start thinking about going elsewhere. In my experience my wife didn't want sex and i didn't get anything for 3 years after we had our daughter. Believe me, I felt rejected!

[CarnelianButterfly]

Don't get me wrong. I am not talking about sex all the time then after a few days off, start thinking about going elsewhere. In my experience my wife didn't want sex and i didn't get anything for 3 years after we had our daughter. Believe me, I felt rejected!

Please don't take offense at this, but how much of the child care did you do? Also pregnancy is a very serious change for a woman's body, some women have a lot of trouble after giving birth because of weight issues, depression, hormonal imbalances and many other factors. It isn't like the baby pops out and every thing is going to be peachy the next day, it doesn't work that way.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Carnelian - I feel ya - believe me, I have 3 kids. I've done that whole thing 3 times.

 

But I totally understand what onmyownagain is saying. That IS how guys feel closeness and intimacy. Its not a scam to get anyone to give it up just so they can brag or something.

 

It would be as if someone completely ignored you and didn't help you or take care of you or was insensitive toward you when you had one of your migraines. And I've had those too. You prolly wouldn't tolerate it from a partner.

 

I mean absolutely no respect to you Carnelian, I'm just trying to relate it to you.

 

I personally think a lot of guys are hyper sensitive to a woman after she gives birth and gives her time to heal and feel better. And even tolerant after all that when she's home with the baby all day and doesn't feel like sex, but after a while, as they've all said, it can wear on them and even make them feel rejected.

[robowarrior]

Originally Posted by Prenkle

Is sex really that important to a guy?

 

Sex isn't important , its everything. yes your a female, and yes you can't understand that, but for a guy its completely natural.

 

You see the whole 'idea' of male + female = reproduction. Not all the fantastic romance and all the fairy tale fantasies ,prince on a horse + princess.

 

In nature its natural for male animals to engage into sex with a female animal, then leave.It can send guys into commiting suicide or having 'affairs' , or prostitute visits.

 

The woman animal takes care of the kids, the male animal leaves.

 

So in that most basic sense, sex is all there is. And for all the woman who don't understand a male's sex drive its easy, if nature didn't want us to have sex so bad, then there wouldn't be any offspring, nor 6 billion people on this world today. Of course there is more when it comes to humans, but this is just to show you the 'basics' behind it.

 

Regardless what you personally 'think' as a woman of this all, if you deny a guy sex your relationship is on 'thin' ice. I already see all the woman in here shaking their heads saying No, and indeed its NO for you , but YES for him, if you understand that then you understand a guy.

 

For example, this guy was cheating on his wife, he was arrested for having sex with a prostitute ,the officer asked why he was engaging into sex with prostitutes, and GUES WHAT HE SAID, (yes you got it right) 'Officer, i've been married for 25 years, but lately my wife hasn't given me sex for 4 months.

 

So yes sex is something that is more then badly needed. Its an essensial thing in a healthy relationship.

[onmyownagain]

I did my bit at home after the birth and always have. My sex life is fine now. But I know the headache thing and all the excuses were just that, excuses in the end. I didn't have sex with anyone else when this happened but if it had come looking for me I wouldn't have needed much persuading then. I really felt rejected and longed for her touch. The cuddling and kissing stops as well because we all know where that leads

[RayKay]

The woman animal takes care of the kids, the male animal leaves.

 

You need to watch March of the Penguin! Now that is co-parenting! The males are the ones that face the most brutal part of an antartic winter with their eggs and chicks.

 

There are actually a few animals in nature whom co-parent, and mate for life too. It's not the "best" comparison to use

 

 

yes your a female, and yes you can't understand that, but for a guy its completely natural.

 

Women too can understand sex drive, that was a rather drastic assumption. And no, we don't automatically relate it to knights on white horses and fairytale romances either.

 

I already see all the woman in here shaking their heads saying No, and indeed its NO for you , but YES for him, if you understand that then you understand a guy.

 

 

Um, I think many women here (including myself) did say it was very, very important....

[CarnelianButterfly]

In nature its natural for male animals to engage into sex with a female animal, then leave.

 

The woman animal takes care of the kids, the male animal leaves.

There happen to be several animals that the male stays and assists with raising the young (birds, wolves, some fish) and in the case of seahorses the female deposits eggs in the male and she leaves, he then cares for the young on his own.

 

I also would like to stress I have a libido that won't quit and there will probably be times my SO will have to fight me off with a stick

[Prenkle]

From what I'm hearing, sex is very important.

 

So if you had to go without sex for 2 years, would you die?

[RayKay]

From what I'm hearing, sex is very important.

 

So if you had to go without sex for 2 years, would you die?

 

I certainly would not DIE.

 

Depends...if it was because they were very ill and unable to do it, I would deal with it.

 

If they were just refusing sex, and refusing to work on it, I would be pretty near the end of my rope and ready to leave.

 

If I was single, well, it's par for the course...I would just be spending a lot of time with my "Rabbit"

[onmyownagain]

You don't die, but she might want to