Dating a marriage woman... need help

[Crawlin4x4]

: the way i meant married woman in the title

 

Hello..I dont know where to start.

 

I met a wonderful woman at my workplace in august of last year. We instantly had an attraction to eachother. During the fiurst few days of meeting her and tlaking to her, she told me she was married, but getting a divorce, and in fact she had a boyfriend currently. She had been separated from her huband for about 4 months at the time.

 

after a few weeks of flirting at work and a few drinks afterwords, she told me she broke up with her boyfriend. I found out later in our relationship that she did that to be with me.

 

we started going out reguarley and one thing let to another until we were officially a couple. She had 3 children form her marriage, she introduce me to htem. Everything was going very well for us. she was very happy with me and i with her, we talked about marriage and future plans. We were very very much in love with eachother.

 

THen about 3 months into our realtionship i started to ask her about her divroce, she said she just had not gotten around to it, but she would. i trusted her and let it go. she still had regualr contat from her husband beciase of hte children. he would call very often, many times upset that i was with her, or with the kids. I understood his anger, he was grieving the loss of his wife.

 

often times she would come home from work and have flowers and a card frmo him, he would not let up on her to come back to him. through all this she maintained the fact that was was in love with me and would not leave me for him, i became rightly insecure because of this. As i pushed harder for the divorce she became more defensive.

 

i am here today becuase she left me a few days ago to go make it work with her huband, she feels it is the right thing to do, even after almost 7 months of telling me she could never make it work with him and all his downfalls.

 

she still wants to be my best friend, she claims our realtionship, despite the animosity that her not getting divorced caused, was amazing and even still she admits that it was. we had a great communication system where we could talk out any problem we had. ironcily she was never able to do this with her husband, but after learning with me how to be open and honest and communicate instead of fight, she now thinks she can apply that to her mariage and give it a shot.

 

so my question is. she claims to still be in love with me, but has shifted her focus on her husband, she now believes that she never gave him the shot he really deserved. She has said that if it doesnt work with him this time around that she will definatly come running back to me. I have often times given her advice that she needs to make sure that her divorce is waht she wants or else our realtionship wil suffer down the road if she ever regrets it.

 

i guess this is the stage in our relationship where she needs to know if her divorce is the right thing to do, and realistily the only way she can know that is if she gives it another shot.

 

but where does taht leave me? do i sit around and be her friend and support her and help her in her marriage (which is what she wants) or do i just disappear and tell her to call me if it doesnt work out? right now, i know i am greiving and i am in much pain so the thought of at least being her close friend is comforting, however i dont know if that is the best option.

 

I tried to tell her yesterday "i dont want to be your friend, i cant. i want more than that. and it hurts me to have to settle for just friends, if it doesnt work out with yuour husband i will be here for you, but until that point i cant do this"

she said "fine i have nothing more to say to you" and hungup. i did not call her back. she was mad, and i understood that. later we talked online and she convinced me that being friends is what she needs from me and i let her back in in that way.

 

she still wants to go to lunch with me, call me at home. and talk to me as if we were dating but without the dating part. she reallyl is treating me like a friend. and i know she loves me, so do i respect her marraige and stay friends with her as she tries? thats what she wants, but i dont know

[DN]

You have been moved to the back-up plan in case things don't work out with her husband. She is being incredibly selfish and manipulative - don't fall for it.

 

Go no contact and move on as soon as you can get over her.

[tylercdurden2004]

You were her out. Then her husband distanced himself and she came running back to him. Find someone else, and NC her pronto.

[heavensent]

No, No, No..this is not how it works. "I'll come back to you if it doesn't work out". I would hope you would never take her back. She can't possibly "love" you if she is trying to make things work with another man. Sure, she has children with him and I bet that's really rough for her but staying in an unhappy marriage when she has supposed "love" is very contradicting to her so-called feelings. I'm sorry this had to happen to you...you should have never got involved with her until the divorce is final..I've heard of this happening way too many times. They always claim their leaving. It's almost as if she was using you for moral support to be there for her when her husband wasn't. Don't take her back. You deserve better!

[kellbell]

"You were her out. Then her husband distanced himself and she came running back to him. Find someone else, and NC her pronto."

 

I agree with this 1000%. You deserve better.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[vesper]

Ouch!!!! I am so sorry for this, it must be hurting {{(((hugs)))} -

 

She is using you for emotional support where her marriage is lacking and you have been there for her so she relies on you. I agree with the above posters, you must stop all contact and move on with your life....

 

Good luck

[PocoDiablo]

I tried to tell her yesterday "i dont want to be your friend, i cant. i want more than that. and it hurts me to have to settle for just friends, if it doesnt work out with yuour husband i will be here for you, but until that point i cant do this"

What you said is EXACTLY what you need to follow up with.

 

She used you in a way, to help her rebuild her strength as a person, and to go back to her husband. If you want to play therapist and pass up the chance to meet a *single* woman who can return what you are giving, then you're a fool.

 

Only date single folks. Not separated. Single. Divorced. Whatever. However, if you are putting in 100% and she is with her husband, then the most she can give back is 50%.

 

Why settle for half when you can have a whole woman who will be double her in terms of giving?

 

Move on.

 

she said "fine i have nothing more to say to you" and hungup. i did not call her back. she was mad, and i understood that. later we talked online and she convinced me that being friends is what she needs from me and i let her back in in that way.

Convinced you? Tricked you? She had to talk you into it? Don't let someone else tell you that you should be their support group, especially if you're not getting anything out of it. Remember, give AND take.

 

she still wants to go to lunch with me, call me at home. and talk to me as if we were dating but without the dating part. she reallyl is treating me like a friend. and i know she loves me, so do i respect her marraige and stay friends with her as she tries? thats what she wants, but i dont know

Sure she wants to go to lunch with you! Sure she wants to call you at home! Sure she wants to talk as if you were dating! No wonder her marriage failed, she's practically cheating right now! Heck, if you go back to her you are telling her "I'll accept you seeing other men. I'll let you treat me like a second choice, a second class citizen. You can treat me like dirt and I will obey."

 

Seriously. Dude. Why would you want half of a cheater? That's like accepting 25% of a person.

 

Go find a nice single woman who actually wants to be with you, and will give you 100%. Imagine these feelings of attraction TWICE or FOUR TIMES as strong. THAT'S the kind of woman you want to find and marry, not this two-timing woman who is using both you and her husband.

 

Man, I feel sorry for her husband. She left, sees multiple other men, and he takes her back. I'd have signed the divorce papers months ago. (In fact, I did.)

[Crawlin4x4]

I appreciate all the responses Deep down i know that is probably the best solution. just have no contact and let her go. but... that is SO HARD to do. 3 days ago she was still in my life, i was at her house, we made love, she told me she loved me. teh next day she broke up with me, which i have to say i knew was coming.

 

I have always been her support, she was hurting from her lost marriage and your right, i was there for her, to help her and support her. many times i told her to get try and make it work with her husband (i knew that i could not hvae her fully until she was sure she was done with him).

 

i guess it just sucks that now she is doing what i have been asking her to do for so long. When i used to say "you should have him move back in, and see how you feel" she would tell me that there is no way she could ever live with him again.

 

but anyway, advice on no contact? for 7 months she has been my best friend, and my lover. and now i have to treat her as if none of that ever happened? I work with her every day, i know i can be friendly to her at work and professional. after a few times of me ignoring her phone calls i know she will start to get angry at me.

 

whats the best way to respecfully have no contact? i dont want to be rude to her, even though she has made a desiscion that does not benifit me, doesnt mean i have to stop caring about her feelings, does it?

[tylercdurden2004]

And yeah dont sc**w the crew, unless your prepared for the very strog possibility of having to deal with a break up in the workplace. If its a job you dont care about and its temporary its one thing but if its your career job well.......I can only feel for you.

[vesper]

She just stepped all over your heart, treated you like you did not matter, used your affection for her own selfish gain and you are worried about making her angry??

 

Have a little dignity here. You are hurt aren't you? The best way to help yourself and show her how selfish she has been is to not be there for her anymore. She dumped you!!! She should not get your love so easily. You need to take care of yourself and move on, stop letting her treat you like a doormat.

 

At work you can just be polite and keep things professional. Tell her you are no longer going to be in contact with her. Have some respect for yourself and protect your heart...

[bobo85]

If she can pull this stuff on her husband and boyfriend.....she's gonna pull this stuff on you somewhere down the line.

 

DUMP her asap because you deserve to be put #1 on the priority list.

[Crawlin4x4]

why is it that i feel an obligation to her? Imade alot of promises to her that i would always be here to love her and support her, even if in the future she chose to be with her husband. I really feel a deeper connection to her than any woman i have been with before.

 

When i met her, we fell so instantly in love.. the only way i could describe it was she was my soul mate.

 

i know the term "if you love it set it free, and it was meant to be it will return"

 

it makes me sick to think that i cant talk to her anymore. Its almost as if i feel this is just a phase in her life that she will get past and then be alright again. and we cna be happy like we were.

 

i know having hope is bad, but i just cant shake the feeling that even though it hurts me i need to be here to support her in her time of need. She is not getting any support from her husband as of yet, she just feels she needs to give it one more shot to be really convinved its over.

 

I think of the 5 steps of grief, im still in denial. i dont know.. all i know is this is very hard and you all make very good points. but somehow cutting her out of my life just doesnt feel like the solution.

 

another complication. her kids. whom i love very much. losing them out of all this is just as hard as losing her, they dont deserve it at all.

[tylercdurden2004]

Mate, nuff of your self-aggrandizing here. You played with fire and I mean played with FIRE. You got burnt. I mean first off you got invovled wiht a woman who was cheating, with you.

 

Rule #1 dont date chicks who are cheaters, much less currently cheating.

 

Too bad so sad. What did you really expect of her. Somehow you are better that her husband and all the other guys shes has cheated with? You got played by a better player. Be a good sport about it. And yeah leave the kids outta it. It appears you didnt give them as much consideration when you started cheating with their MOTHER behind their FATHERS back, as you are now. They are the only ones I feel sorry for. Be a MAN and suck it up you lost the game.

[Crawlin4x4]

I hear what you are saying, i only disagree with the cheating part. she sperated (leagally) from her husband months before dating the first time. i am the 2nd BF she has had since her seperation. He knew who i was, i have met him sevreal times when he would come pick up the girls for his weekend.

 

i dont believe she was doing any cheating on him, nothing was done behind his back. sorry if didnt make that clear earlier.

 

on your other points. you are probably right, i got played by a better player. its only beed a few days, my feelings are still raw and i am working out my own emotions for her.

 

our friendship started with me talking to her about how she felt aobut her husband, and advising her to get back with him until she knew. from there she fell in love with me and i just overlooked the adivice i had given her. i should have stood my ground early in the realtionship, and not been with her until she dealt with those emotions, instead of her letting use me as an escape from them.

 

had i made that choice then, i would most likley have her today. such is life

[RandomAdvisor]

Why do you continue to defend her?

 

As Poco said she's practically cheating right now! She's supposedly trying to work things out with her husband, and on the other hand is telling you that she loves you and will be with you if it doesn't work out with him. She's keeping her options open, which is very selfish and insincere.

[Heartshock]

Hi there Crawlin4x4

 

I know you are in a world of pain now, and it sounds like this is clouding the next step. Having read your post, I very much doubt this lady is playing you along or has malicious intent. Frankly she doesn't seem like a player to me. More a person who is grieving the end of her marriage and hadn't quite worked through all 4 stages.

 

As devastating as this is to you, there are very few cases where the departing partner doesn't go back to give it one last try, particularly if there are children.

 

I don't believe you have done anything wrong. After all you guys were happy right? Right! This doesn't mean she had come to terms with the end of her marriage. The fact that she fell in love with you, just means she fell in love. It doesn't mean she short circuited the grieving process.

 

I know this is rough, sweetie, but the shock of divorce, the end of a chapter, the change of lifestyle, the grieveing children, the devastated husband, - She was going to have to deal with it at some point. All this, in 99% of cases adds up to the departing partner returning for another go on the merry go round. But that is generally not the end of it.

 

Let me tell you how it going to go for her from here. She and her partner will walk on eggshells for a couple of weeks. He will try not to mention his former broken heart and losing his kids. She will try not to mention her former marital misery and the thought of reamining in that marriage gave her the screaming Ab-Dabs (english phrase.) which is why she took off.

 

A honeymoon period will ensure, rosy in the garden, til bam, the issues that splintered the relationship raise their ugly heads.

 

Only now they are bigger. Thier period of separation will have seen to that. She had time to see there is life after marriage. He had time to see that she could indeed rip out his heart and take off for seven months with the kids. (I not attributing blame by the way-just seeing it from both sides) Added to which, the former problems which were never quite dealt with, will also come into the mix.) Looking into my crystal ball, I can tell you a major implosion is on the way. It has to if they have any future together. (For what its worth, I think the marriage is on life support and won't pull through - The fact that she hasn't given you up doesn't bode well - call me psychic!!)

 

So where do you stand? If you continue to befriend this woman, you will facilitate to continuation of her marriage. You will continue to remain in no-man's land. As long as you remain in contact, she will NOT make a choice. Not because she is evil, the Bride of Frankenstein, Cruella DeVille evil twin sister, etc. But because it hurts. It's crap to say goodbye. Who chooses to walk into pain if they can help it. We make choices when the option of losing what we dearly love looks to be slipping away. Right now she has the man she loves, you, and does not have to go through any of the painful and agonising feelings that come with the end of marriage and the end of the future she pictured some years ago.

 

May I humbly suggest, YOU TELL HER THE TRUTH. You love her. You'd hoped it was going to work out, but it has not. She has currently choosen to be with her husband. You respect her decision and let her go. It's agonising for you to watch, and you won't put yourself through it.

 

Easy right? Not in the frigging slightest. Crawlin4x4, Believe I know. Right now this is riping your guts out and this is the hardest thing you are going to have to do. But you need to LET GO and have faith. If her love is as strong as yours, down the line she will return to you. She will realise that she has a shot at happiness with you that she never had with her husband. If she doesn't, you will slowly come to terms with the fact that, despite loving you, she made the choice to be with him.

 

I feel for you and I wish you all the strength in the world.

 

HEARTSHOCK

[Momene]

You don't sit and wait. You cut her out completely and build a new life for yourself. She's doing what she wants for her own reasons, whether they appear right or wrong to me. If she's really back with her husband, would he really tolerate an ex boyfriend in the background anyway? I don't hold out much hope for her and her husband but you can't just sit around. Could you trust her not to dump you if you did get back together in future?

 

I'd say thanks for the memories and goodbye.

[Crawlin4x4]

After all the supportive posts, i took the advice and didnt not call her yesterday. Last night about about 10pm she sent me a text mesage telling me she had dinner with her husband and kids, that she was home now. and asked me what i had done for the day.

 

i was hesitant to respond, but i felt it only rude not to. so i gave a simple response. that i was up visiting my ex GF (her mother is dying in the hospital and she is upset) and soem friends. she responded with she glad i am having fun, and to take care of the ex.

 

after that i did not respond. i didnt feel a need to. this morning when i woke up, i had a text message from her asking if i had fun, and if there were any sparks between my ex and i. is she insane? i was insulted by the question. i responded with yes i had fun, no... no sparks. she replied with an apology, and a few questions about wanting to move back up to where the ex lives and what not.

 

am i right in assuming that she is just trying to get info out of me, trying to see where i am emotionally with her? Making sure that im still here waiting for her and not moved on? I dont understand how she could possibly think that in 3 days i would have moved on to the point of dating again, and espeically my ex GF...

 

I have to go see her at work in a few hours. going to be rough. I still cry every time i have to go to sleep and shes not here with me.

[kellbell]

"am i right in assuming that she is just trying to get info out of me, trying to see where i am emotionally with her?"

 

No.

 

"Making sure that im still here waiting for her and not moved on?"

 

Bingo!

 

I advise you not to text her anymore. You do not want her knowing anymore about your life. The more info she has...she better armed she is to play you and exploit it. Tight-lipped for now on my friend.

[tylercdurden2004]

"am i right in assuming that she is just trying to get info out of me, trying to see where i am emotionally with her?"

 

No.

 

"Making sure that im still here waiting for her and not moved on?"

 

Bingo!

 

I advise you not to text her anymore. You do not want her knowing anymore about your life. The more info she has...she better armed she is to play you and exploit it. Tight-lipped for now on my friend.

 

Kell drops the hammer! I like it.

 

Listen man you are still her backup plan if she decides the marriage isnt gonna work (for whatever one of the 2 million reasons she already has decided). But clearly from this last time, you guys arent gonna last for whatever reason. She will find someone who fulfills her more, like she did with her husband, and you, you my friend will be standing there looking like a ....chumps a decent and polite enough word I think. You need to be very angry at yourself right now for being the chump and at her fro playing you along. Use that anger to smash the cr*p outta ur phone, to do whatever it takes to get yourself outta this ugly rut.

 

The only thing that coulda made your situation uglier here is if her husband was your guys' boss.

[vesper]

Look dude, here is the straight answer for you.

 

If you really love her and want her to ever even consider you as a real life partner just in the off chance that her marriage does not work out in the future, you have to show some dignity and back off and not be her personal emotional walk-off matt. That is the only way she will ever really respect you and realize how awful she has treated you. Right now she has got you exactly where she wants you and she is going to keep walking all over you.

 

Remember

"It's funny how beautiful people are when they're walking out the door" -

That's from the movie velvet goldmine, but its true - you say goodbye, you walk-out on this relationship if you want 'her' to have any respect or dignity left for you.

 

This is really the best thing you can do if you do love her.

[Lita43]

Take Bobo's advice as it is so true and couldn't have said it better myself. As one who was once in your girls shoes, she may love you or think she loves you, (been there done that!) You're being used and I'm sorry, but you are the current security blanket or teddy bear. Run away far and fast!!! Life is much to short, so get through your grieving and move on.

[Heartshock]

Hello there Crawlin4x4,

 

I understand that you felt that it was rude not to respond to her last text. At the moment you are in a position where you don’t want to blow a chance of getting back with her. Yet it seems from your last post you do not feel it is rude of her to return to her husband or continue to have emotional relationship with him, whilst asking for emotional (and probably sexual) fidelity from you. Fair enough. I understand your position. The reply text was less about rudeness and more about not losing the slender thread of contact (but more of that later)

 

Did I mention that the marriage is currently on life support. Actually what I forgot to say is that you are currently the life support. You are providing the element that was missing. Emotional support, unswerving love, devotion. You are propping it up from the outside.

 

The awful irony is that you cannot understand why she would ask if you had been emotional unfaithful to her. Yet you remain in her life lest she forget you. Its terrifying to take that gamble. You could lose. And you cannot lose. You are willing to give every inch of your soul not to lose.

 

Of course the truth is you are much more powerful than you realise. Crawlin4x4, you are directing play here. I know it doesn’t seem it, but the situation between the three of you is being generated from your quarter. She has told you her terms. You are continuing to reply with agreement. She has asked the question, and you have given your answer.

 

And that is fine. There is no law against. Its not illegal. Once or twice in my life I have made exactly the same choices, but I got to tell ya, week by week it does get increasingly painful.

 

Keep chatting to us. It is clear by the level of replies on this topic that you have a lot of support here.

 

Take Care, you

 

 

Heartshock

[Skippy]

GET OUT.. you are being used as a backup.. or as they say a cushion to hug when they want something and when they have enough they leave you high and dry.

[Crawlin4x4]

here is a quick update.

 

I know you will all probably disagree with me here. But we are trying the friends approach. After talking to her at length last night about this situation, as long as she was being honest with me ( and i have no reason to suspect she isnt), then i think i am okay with her descion to go back to her husband.

 

since i have met her, she has been in turmoil over her divorce. Our relationship developed with me giving her advice on how to deal with her marriage, if she should get divorced etc. i was truley just her friend (i did not want to get involved with an activley married woman) after about a month we fell in love with eachother. after a blow out with the husband, she said that was the "final straw" and demanded divorce. at that point i felt it safe to start a relationship with her, (bad idea i know). our relationhship flourished, as many of you recall from my previous posts. we were very happy. her husband called her many many times, begging her to take him back. at one point she invited him over to have a talk with him, to tell him she was indeed in love with me, planned on marrying me, and that it was over for him and her. She told him divorce was the only option for her. She went out and got her papers. filled the out, he signed them.

 

that was where it sat for a long time. he moved on, to a point, he went and got a GF, started dating etc. it wasnt until he started taking the kids to his new GFs house that she started to get jealous. the kids would come home talking aobut her and this really upset her. this started a cascade of feligns for her that she should work it out with him. it started small but got bigger. she would often talk to me about it, and my advice to her was always, "if you think you can work it out with him then that is what you need to do" I have always maintained the stance that family shoulld never be broken if at all unavoidable.

 

as time went on, she became very very stressed out over her dillema, stay with me? where she is happy? or.. make it work with her husband. our relationship was very positive for both of us, we both learned alot , it was very benificial. SHe learned how to communicate jer feelings instead of just hiding them and geting angry later, which was a character trait she attributed to her failed marraige. Often times she tells me "if i wasnt such a * * * * *, he wouldnt have treated me that way". i know you all agree with me when i say that is no excuse, but it is however her justification. and i cant change that.

 

she really believes that she can be a better person, becuase of me, and make her marriage work out. She recently took a trip to the beach with her kids, (this was last week, right before our break up) her husband who works in the area came out to see her, and ended up geting his own hotel room so he could stay with the kids and play with them. It upset her that he was there, (she wanted to be alone) but she could not turn him away, he was afterall ther for the kids not her.

 

when she saw how happy the children were with their father, she realized that she needed to give it another shot with him. She really feels she can rekindle the love they once had many years ago and make her family work the way she wanted it too.

 

If i am the one who caused her to come to these realizations, and also give her the advice to go back to him if she felt it would work. Then who am i to get upset that she did it? Sure i am hurt and disappointed that i am not with her anymore, afterall , as positive as it was for her, it was also for me. Its hard to walk away from the best realtionship i think i have ever been in.

 

however.. In a way, i had alot to do with this. I told her that i wil be hurt for a while, and that it wil be hard to be around her. she understands and will give me the space i need. she said its hard for her as well to be around me, becuase i remind her of how happy she was with me, and how hurt she sees me now kills her. We both agreed to be sensitive of how the other feels, and even now, in a time like this, we were both able to openly communicate how we felt towrads eachother, and mutually agree on a solution that worked for both of us.

 

I hope that she is able to establish the same open communication with her husnabd as she was with me. However, and i dont know if this is me being selfish, I really dont think that he will be able to talk to her and meet with her emotionally the way i have. And i want to be here for her when he cant.

 

am i just a masochist?