WOW...don't know what to do from here...if anything

[Dogg]

hello all, I went to one of my friends bachelor parties the other night and after it all, I just out of nowhere really began thinking about my ex again. This is the ex that started me posting here and going nutty because I was so in love and just so heartbroken over her that it threw my entire world in to complete shambles.

 

Well, anyway, I got home from the party and in a moment of weakness or something like that, I snt her a text message saying that I was thinnking about her and that I just wanted to say hello. I was in no way expecting a response at all because it had been SOOO long since I had had any type of contact with her at all, months to say the least. Well, to my utter surprise she DID respond later that night. Nothing spectacular, just "HEY!!! I'm good and I just got back from my friends shower. How are you?"

 

Now this threw me for quite a loop! I did not respond until the following day in an email to her saying that I got her response but I was sleeping. That I was good (more or less a lie) and that I hoped that all was well with her too! I told her that ironically I had just gotten back from a bachlor party myself and that it kinda sucked (which is true). I told her that if she wanted to respond that it was cool and if not that was cool too. I wished her well and toold her to send my best to her parents. that was it.

 

Low and behold she responded again!!! She said that she was doing fine, nothing out of the ordinary. she said that she was getting all four of her wisdom teeth out on friday and she was scared. she also mentioned that she was beginning to look towards getting out of her house and into an apartment. blah blah blah. she spoke a bit about the shower she had planned and that it went great.

 

I responded by saying that I was glad that the shower went well and that it no doubt had to do with the fact that she had worked so hard to plan it. I asked her about her possibly moving and was it by herself or with someone. I told her that I was in the market for another job and thta I had began to go on interviews, blah blah blah. I asked her about her job and whether she had gotten that promotion from a while back. At the end I clutch pressured and said something that I'm not sure I should have said but I did anyway. I told her that it was really nice to hear fro her and that I was very happy that she was doing well. I said that I would love to catch up with her and see how everything was going because it had been so long whether it be by phone or in person bu that it was all up to her. Again, I wished her well and said goodbye.

 

I feel good that she responded, but terrible at the same time! I really thought that I was over her and I had been doign very well not thinking about her and all that stuff. I had been with other girls and even though none of them worked out, I was trying. Now, I kinda feel that I may have taken a step backwards in a way. Now I am thinking about her again. I'm trying not to think of it in that way, and just be happy that for the first time in soo very long she was civil and nice and didn't seem to be annoyed or angry. If you do not know the story, read my other posts from a while back about the last time she contacted me all wasted and extremely angry for no reason.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure how to proceed with this. I left the ball in her court so I guess that I can really do nothing and I don't think that I will. I will not lie and say that the thought of her possibly wanting to reconnect does not excite and yet scare me at the same time. But, I really just don't know. I know that deep down I still really love her and I always have, I was simply distracting myself from it for a while.....Oh woe is me, what have I done to myself yet again. I huess time will only tell, I must continue to live my life I suppose. Any advice or anything would be appreciated here....

[xblondyx]

Hmm tough one.

 

If I was in your shoes, i'd leave it up to her. Like you said, the ball is in her court. If she wants to speak to you again she'll be in contact. I think you should go back to NC and just get on with your life. If she gets in touch then it's a bonus for you. If she doesn't then you're already NC and it helps you to move on.

[Lady Bugg]

Hey Dogg....I hate to be a wet blanket because I KNOW how the feeling of wanting hope can completely take over common sense. I think you should just enjoy the fact that you and she are on speaking terms again and that the correspondence is going well. This doesn't mean ANYthing will come of it.

Remember: No expectations= no disappointments.

 

Also....don't try to think of yet another reason to contact her....just let it be for now. She should see that you are indeed respecting her decision. Any further contact will simply make her think you have not changed at all.

[Dogg]

that is precisly what I said that I would do, wait and just continue to love my life the best way that I know how. I did leave the ball in her court, it is up to her if she wants to play with it. there is nothing more that I can do at this point I suppose and I will not think of another reason to call her. I think I'm just looking for validation in some way from someone....although it would be great to get it from her......I'm a basic mess!

[Lady Bugg]

You're looking for validation? For what?? Please explain.

[crvers]

Yeah dude, I know how ur feeling. Just take it day by day. Unfortunately its up to her to make the next move. If she's comfortable in the situation, she'll make a move. But remember, u may be just at the stage that she is able to consider u as a friend. This may be nothing more then the start of the friendship. The question is, can u handle it

 

Hey Ladybugg, haven't seen u on in a long time. U should check out my current situation...makes fer an interesting read nonetheless.

[Dogg]

Looking for validation...sometimes I think that I am just seeking the approval of those that I care deeply about, lookiing for someone to affirm the belief that I am in fact worth the time and the effort, and possibly even the love that I feel that I deserve. Maybe that is dumb, I guess I just feel lost!

[Wimpy]

Hey I briefly went back and looked at a post you wrote in November last year I think. You said that she broke up with you.

 

My take on what happened and I might be completely wide of the mark is that perhaps she feels bad at how things ended and now many months on you initiate contact and perhaps it gives her a chance to get "off the hook" as it were. I don't know if that makes sense. You getting in touch and her responding etc ... perhaps it just makes her conscience a little clearer about how she ended things.

 

The truth is in my heart of hearts I know that if I initiated contact with my ex he would JUMP at the chance to be in touch and catch up. It wouldn't mean anything more than him just being friends. A year since he broke up with me in a manner which left me bereft and reeling for a long time, I know that I will never give him the satisfaction of hearing from me again.

 

It is, in fact, what has helped me get stronger.

 

It's slightly easier for me as the chances of our paths crossing are extremely rare now.

 

However, as I said at the outset I might be wrong. My advice would be to do what helps you most. I don't think that you should let yourself get too distracted by this latest exchange. In your heart of hearts do you think she would have initiated contact with you? She hasn't up until now.

 

Don't let yourself get hurt further by this person. Do what you've decided and leave the ball with her and hard as it might be focus on getting yourself well and back on track.

[Dogg]

I did not explain myself there well enough. I just feel lately (the last two years) that whenever I am feeling like good things are happening, like I can finally climb out of this hole that I have been in, something happens or someone happens and I just more or less get kicked right back in. I feel that I am a great person, a wonderful caring friend, and I would and have in the past made an excellent boyfriend and I could again. I just thinkk that I deserve something good to happen to me, I work so hard and I am a good person and I just want to nkow when it will be my turn

[kadvati79]

I think you did fantastic, except for one thing... these bits:

 

...all up to her...

...if she wanted to respond that it was cool and if not that was cool too...

 

No no no NO! It just won't DO dude! Dammit! lol. Look, assertive people win in this world. If you want to heal, then you go no-contact. If you want to be her friend and watch her MARRY the assertive guy and be the friend who's always there for her, then sure, keep going. But if you want to get her back - you gotta leave her no damn choice but to fall in love with you again!

 

Decide what you want to do, and then do it. Don't leave her to make choices or she will make the same wishy washy stuff she always does. Most people do. Because she is pretty sure about you, but for some reason she is probably a little curious, nothing more at the moment.

 

But whatever you do, be prepared for it to fall completely flat. For example. You might have said:

 

"Hey, its been great talking but I really have to get back to training for my trip to mt everest, but I am going to be out your way [insert a day] and I'm going to buy you dinner and hear all about this new apartment. I have a mate who values apartments and I am sure he can give you some damn good advice"

 

Lets examine that

 

You end the conversation. Because you feel you are ending it "early", you step things up a notch and make it dinner. Maybe dinner is a bit strong, maybe coffee would be better. I'm not a details guy thats for you to work out. Lastly you be the provider "I can help you"... "I am smart" ... "I know people".... "I am strong"... etc... etc...

 

Don't leave room for negotiation, then, if she wants to negotiate out of it she is going to have to be really awkward about it. Most people don't. Even if she does you still have room to maneouver.

 

What do you really want dude? Tell us and we will tailor the advice accordingly. If you want her back and want to take the risk of all that messed up heartache - well, let us know.

[Dogg]

I have been doing a lot of thinking, th truth is that I do want her back, I've always wanted her back! everything that I have been doing in the wayside has simply been to distract myself and try to take my mind and heart off of her, maybe that is the reason that the other things (women) that I have been pursuing and those relationships if you want to call it that have failed, because my heart of hearts is just not involved!!!!! Yes, it has been a while, yes I am scared as hell, yes the thought of her moving made me think that I could really lose her forever!!!!!!! I do not know what to do! I can't really do anything for fear of looking like a complete and total desperate moron, but I did leave the ball in her court, how she chooses to react I suppose will tell me how to proceed. I just have to think that at least this time she has been civil. The last time I spoke with her was a disaster but that was her fault (really it was). this time it seems, she is actually willing to "talk" at least over email though it may not be long or have much meaning behind it, it is a step.....I know that I just CAN'T lose her forever like this, and I'm just wanting to see her and talk to her so bad now!!!!!

[Dogg]

I really just don't know what to do anymore...

[Dogg]

does anyone have any suggestions about how to correspond with my ex over email? Like I had posted before, I texted her she texted back, I emailed her she emailed me back twice and I just responded today. How can I keep this up and come off like a person that she might want to see or talk to again? is there anything that i should or shouldn't say? I know that I should not talk about the relationship and I would never do that, it has been to long, I just want another shot and for the first time I might just see a possiblity for that to happen, or at least a chance.....what to do what to do? I'm trying not to get hung up over this because I know that I will probably just set myself up to fail again and be heartbroken all over again, but is there anything that I can do so as to maybe increase my chances of possibly success?

[LL1979]

hey man. i feel for your problem with this girl. My girl dumped me a few months ago. Haven't heard a word. But you want to get back with her? Well that's only one half of it cos she has to want you too. If she knew how you were obsessing over her, she wouldn't find that very attractive i don't think. I think you should let the situation breathe and leave the next step up to her. Don't start forcing the issue. No contact isn't easy but that can't faze you. You've got to show this girl your best side, whether she calls or not. Be a man, suck it up. That's what women dig - strength. Keep seeing other women. In the meantime you can get busy with your own life, you don't need a girlfriend just to be happy! I'm not saying it won't happen again with her, but my point is that you can't just sit waiting for her call. Don't put your life on hold for her. If you can't respect yourself, she won't.

[moondog627]

I have been doing a lot of thinking, th truth is that I do want her back, I've always wanted her back!

Well guess what dude. Just because you "want her back" doesn't mean a damn thing. She doesn't want to get back with you. If she did, you'd know it. And just because she was cordial with you doesn't mean she wants to give things another try. How about respecting her wishes for a change?

 

In almost all of your posts, since the very beginning, you've got some sort of self-pitying bullsh*t goin on. How about not being so self-absorbed for two seconds and try helping out other people? Maybe by helping out other people you'll get back some self-esteem.

 

Dogg, I know your story from the get-go. Almost EVERYONE here knows your story. Others, including myself, have given you TONS of advice. And this is the crap you're comin back with??? You haven't progressed one bit! All you do is come on here and look for someone to give you the green light for somethin you're already gonna do. You know she's never gonna come back to you. You know you're gonna fail. Why go thru with this madness? LET HER GO!!!

 

I know this post was harsh. But nuthin sinks in with you. And I'm not saying you should be over the breakup. But you should be making a conscious effort of letting her go, respecting her wishes, and healing yourself. This kind of crap isn't gonna cut it. You're settin yourself up for even more heartache.

[Lady Bugg]

I regrettfully have to agree with Moondog. Harsh as his advice is..he is pretty much right. Sorry Dogg.

[selfi]

Dogg im familiar with your story too. . .all I have to add is that you should be posting in the Healing From A BreakUp forum, because a crappy text message does not mean you are not going to be getting back with your ex, and you are clearly in need of some proper healing to get over her once and for good.

[NubianLove]

I totally agree with icemotor!!

You should have just said would u like to meet for coffee, be more assertive, if not u'll keep going at this. If not just continue NC knowing u'll never get back.