I made a mistake, now he won't talk to me

[Bostich]

Hi all, I was wondering if you could help me. I made a horrible mistake and now my boyfriend will not talk to me. About a week ago, I went into his e-mail account and looked through his things. He did not do anything that made me feel that I should not trust him. I just have huge insecurity issues and my last boyfriend cheated on me so I was acting out of fear.

 

Being the computer nerd that he is, he was able to tell someone had been snooping. When he confronted me I admitted to it right away and apologized. He said it was fine and that we all do things that are stupid and to not do it again. By the next day he had changed his mind.

 

He said the more he thought about it, the more angry he became. He said he thought he knew me but by doing that I crossed lines of privacy and trust and respect. It showed he could not trust me and that I did not trust him. I understood that he was upset but I almost felt his reaction was too strong as if I slept with someone else.

 

He told me he was too angry to be around me and that I should leave his house at that time. He said that he was frustrated and even though he wanted to be with me didn’t know if he could now. I asked him when we would see each other and he said he didn’t know.

 

Is this fair? We talked a little bit online last night but when I brought up the relationship he got upset again. He said he was still hurt and by pressuring him, it only made things worse. I asked if he wanted to see me and he said not right now and he didnt know when. I asked how he would get past the anger and he said through time and that I needed to lay off or I would just make it harder.

 

I just feel like he is holding onto this. When I am angry at someone I love, I want to forgive them so we can move forward. He says he is trying to move past it but it’s been over a week! I wonder if there is anything I can say. I was thinking about writing an apology letter or something.

 

When any of you are angry do you shutdown for awhile too?

[VeganBohemian]

I go through my bf's email accounts...but he gave me his passwords. Did your bf give you his PWs? If he did, then he really should not be that mad.

 

I can understand why he would be pissed...he sees this situation as you not trusting him. I don't know what you should do, but I am sorry this happened!

[DN]

When any of you are angry do you shutdown for awhile too?

The point is not whether anyone else would but that he has. So I think you should give him the time he needs. Personally, I can understand his anger and hurt. It's not a question of fair but of him needing to get past it on his own.

[Jylaine]

Okay what is with all this snooping and invading eachothers privacy? I do not get why people are in relationships when they don't trust. I have been reading all these posts about going through bf's emails and I think it is complete BS.

As I said in a different post regarding the whole email accout thing, my fiance went into my email account and i was furious, i couldn't even look at him I was so mad, not because I had anything to hide but because I felt that I had nothing of my own. Privacy is still very important when you are in a committed relationship I don't understand why you would want to invade someone elses space.

Your boyfriend should be pissed at you just as I was at my fiance it took me three days to talk to him again. If you are lacking that much trust that you need to go into his emails I am sorry to say you are heading down a rough road. You need to confront this trust issue and get things sorted out!!! Give your guy the space he needs to get over what you did.

[Bostich]

I hear what you all are saying and it sounds like I just have to give him what he is asking for since I screwed up. I just did not think he would still be this upset. The incident happened last Wednesday and we talked it over Thursday night. That is the last time I saw him. I asked him if he would see me this weekend and he said no. He said he was so mad he did not know if and when he would want to see me.

 

Basically, I feel like our relationship is on a hinge right now. If he cannot get past this anger, I know he will break-up with me. I mean he cannot even deal with me right now. I asked him if he thought seeing me would help and he said it would make it worse.

 

I was thinking maybe I could send him an apology e-mail explaining why I did it and what I learned from my mistake. I also thought that maybe I should just leave him alone and not push anymore. I don't know.

[Dako]

Bostich

Everyone needs a little space, and you could drive him away with this sort of thing. You can't expect him to forgive you on your timetable.

[Bostich]

I agree to a point I guess. But do you think it gets to a point where its been too long, like the person is holding onto anger in an unhealthy way?

[orgasmictofu]

holding onto anger in an unhealthy way?

 

Holding onto anger in an UNHEALTHY way? What's unhealthy here? His anger, or your insecurities? His being upset that you snooped, or you snooping?

 

Give him the time he needs and wants.

[Dako]

It's his anger, just like it's his email.

[eimono]

Bostich,

 

Look at your messages...

 

You hacked into his account and he is mad. Well yes he is mad, you invaded his space and privacy.

 

And then you say "But do you think it gets to a point where its been too long, like the person is holding onto anger in an unhealthy way?"

 

You're just trying to escape the guilt of doing something wrong and blame him in the process. This is YOUR insecurity and YOUR mistake. Let him come to terms with it.

 

Look at it from his point of view, you didn't trust him enough to keep from snooping on him. How would you feel if he checked your phone bill to see the numbers of people you talk to?

 

Usually when someone does snooping like this, there are serious issues in the relationship BESIDES the action. And the relationship is not as good as people would like to think it was.

 

Last point is this. If you won't give someone to prove they are trustworthy, then they will often begin to not care since they have nothing to let down.

[Bostich]

Good points, you guys. I guess I just handle anger differently so it's hard to wrap my head around what he is going through. I usually want to talk things out and deal with it immediately.

 

But you are right, it's his anger and I caused it. So I need to understand that this is how he deals with it. Everything is relative I suppose.

 

Do you think it would help to write an apology e-mail or should I just let him be?

 

Also, I know I have trust issues as I explained in my original post. I think I should seek some help sice I have sabotaged this relationship.

[zpivat]

I'd be angry too but not for long...probably just 30 minutes or so. After that I'd talk to the girl and ask for her understanding and tell her that there's no need to do that as she's the only one for me and request that she not do that again in the future. Then I'd hug her and kiss her forehead and say that she's been forgiven.

 

I hate staying angry for too long.

[Bostich]

I know, I am just like you and that's how the original conversation went. It was the NEXT day after he sat and thought about it, that he realized just how upset he was.

 

I guess he wanted to be forgiving but didnt realize just how deeply it affected him.

[yeawutever]

I think he's overdoing it!!! Ok, so I would be angry also if someone were to snoop into my account without my permission, yes that was invasion of privacy, but if he can get over it yet, then he has issues. He should have already forgiven you by now, I would have. As for the letter, don't write him anything, don't do nothing, just let him deal with his anger.

[Dako]

Is this all he's mad about? Maybe there's more to it.

I'd give him room and time.

[redhook]

I agree with Ailec. He is overdoing it. People make mistakes and everyone should be allowed to be forgiven. Leave him alone for now and do nc and if he misses you eventually he will contact you. You did violate his trust and that was wrong and takes some time to get back but if I were him I would hear you out, forgive you and tell you it can never happen again.

[DN]

The point is not whether other people think he is overdoing it. Even if he knew what people on here thought he wouldn't care. He only cares what he thinks and Bostich has to deal with his perception of what she did. What may be a minor annoyance to some people can be a deal-breaker to others. Just as some people don't care if their partner reads their private mail and other people feel invaded.

 

I think an apology and explanation e-mail is a good idea, just so he knows exactly where you are coming from. But only of you mean it. That means that you accept that what you did was wrong and really mean it - not that you are apologising just to stop him breaking up with you.

 

But leave it at that. Don't ask to see him or put him under any pressure to respond. Give him the information he needs and the space to come to terms with it.

[Bostich]

DN,

 

I do think you are right in saying everyone has their own way of dealing with anger. Most importantly, we are all different so how something affects us might affect our partner in a completely different way.

 

I think because this issue would be so minor if it happened to me, I made the mistake of holding his feelings against that measure. For him though, this action might speak on a deeper level with issues of privacy, trust and respect. In fact, I know it does because he told me.

 

As well, things were not ideal leading up to this. Not to say they were bad or we were close to breaking up but this certainly cant make you feel better.

 

I want to write the letter as I feel I do owe him an explanation and an apology. I will heed your advice though and make it as selfless as I can. It would not be right to use it as a tool of manipulation or to pressure him to see me.

[DN]

As well, things were not ideal leading up to this. Not to say they were bad or we were close to breaking up but this certainly cant make you feel better.

 

Assuming he gets past the privacy issue and resumes the relationship, that may also be a good time to resolve these other issues - get everything sorted out all at once.

[xprincessbugx]

I've done the same thing. My boyfriend still hasn't given me his new passwords and it's been a year. He didn't care that I got on his yahoo name, but I checked his e-mail without permission. I now realize that I would have been mad if he would have checked up on me too. It doesn't seem like it should be a big deal, but it really is. I know that I'll never make another stupid mistake like that again.

[Skippy]

Bostich vbmenu_register("postmenu_994994", true); ...

 

"I think because this issue would be so minor if it happened to me"

 

You are wrong to think it is minor infringment if it had happened to you.

If your bf finds your diary and read it out loud how would you feel.?

Put simply PISSED, simply because he infringe on your privacy.

 

You did exactly the same thing, you infringde on his privacy. It isnt a minor thing at all.

 

For the people that read each other's email, i would say this, you were given permission to read each other email, you didnt do it in a sneeky way. Thus you didnt infringe on each other privacy.

 

THis is a different story all together. As for his anger, he has the right to be pissed. What gets me the people thinking they have the right to tell somone whether they are blowing it up or being angry too long. It is a personal thing, everyone has a different way of handling things for different situations.

For example, if a women put a ding on a car she wil generally jus blow it off, for a guy... he'll be pissed for a ong time.

I suppose put simply privacy for everyone here is very important. Even you. Respect it.

Write a letter of apolgy, you are guilty of what you did, not explaination , simply that you did bad bad thing and never happpen again.

Hope that he forgives you, Personally i would forgive you, but i would now lock everything up and you will have no access to my personal stuff for quite some time. But that is just me

[redhook]

DN has made some very valid points. It is up to the idvidual on how they handle things like trust. I also believe that the person who has issues with how someone else perceives a problem has the right to think they are not handling the matter in a manner that is acceptable to them. It is okay to think he is overreacting. What will you do about it? Can you live with how they react, or is it a dealbreaker??

[Bostich]

Redhook,

 

You actually bring up the question that I am grappling with right now. You are also right to say that we are both entitled to our feelings. And right now, I feel as if I am wanting to break it off. I understand his anger but I do feel like it is too much for me. If he says to me, "I dont know if I will want to see you again." It makes me feel as if he cannot find forgiveness and does not want to try.

 

Problems arise in relationships and it is important to work through them. Wanting time alone is one thing but to add he is not sure if he will come out of this and want me in his life is another. I know I made a mistake but I dont know if I want to be put in an indefinite limbo as a result.

 

Basically, he is holding the cards. He wants to be left alone so I have to do that and see if he even wants to talk to me again. What am I suppose to do? Just hope that he calls me one day? I mean, if he cannot honestly say if he knows if he will want to see me again, shouldnt he just break it off? Or is he talking out of anger? I guess I am probably looking for answers that he is in no place to decide.

 

I would just hope that even in your anger you still can feel love for your partner.

[DN]

Are you seriously contemplating breaking up with him because he is angry that you invaded his privacy? That seems to me to be 'blaming the victim' here. I think you need to do some self-analysis to see if you have a habit of shifting the blame for your actions on to your partner.

 

I think you made a bad mistake and should have the decency to let him deal with it in his own way. And if that means being patient for a while then so be it.

[Dako]

Please forgive me if I'm presuming too much here:

 

Might you be generally insecure and controlling? If so, he may see your snooping as a red flag, not just a single incident. If so, the only thing that would soothe his concerns is to give him space to show your independance.