Love letter poll

[ralph88]

I sent a letter to a girlfriend I hadn't seen in 30 years or have spoken to in 10 years.The relationship we had was the first serious love involvement for both of us and lasted a few years.

 

I am a married man with a family and she is on her 2nd marriage and also has a family.The letter described how I still think of her often and feel strongly about her.

 

Now before you start thinking "What a loser"or "Get your own life" please understand that there are alot of people who look up past loves and are very happy they did.Many reunite after decades and pick up their relationships where they left off.

 

Now I do know that both of us being married (happily or not) puts up huge roadblocks for any thing developing at this point, I also know she is on her 2nd marriage and I'm my wifes 2nd so the sanctity of marriage is not what it used to be.My intention was to test the waters and who knows maybe start a conversation and years from now the ember that still smolders could start a fire.

 

My question or more of a poll is this? How would you feel getting a letter from your first BF/lover after all this time? Indicate whether your current martial status influences your feelings ?Also, I think there are to be gender related differences.I think men who receive letters are probably very curious and will follow up regardless of current factors.Woman on the other hand my be scared or happy I don't know. So please give me some input positive or negative and also add if you would reply or ignore it.

 

Thanks

[byates5637]

I also know she is on her 2nd marriage and I'm my wifes 2nd so the sanctity of marriage is not what it used to be.

 

Yea your not exactly helping the sanctity of marriage either. Why don't you forget about his girl and give your wife the respect that you promised her when you married her.

[DN]

I have been married for thirty years and if I got such a letter I would probably think the sender was a little desperate and I would be annoyed at an attempt to interfere with my marriage and disrupt my life.

[Bethany]

If I had received it, I would probably be spooked that he found me, let alone contacted me. Then I would probably feel sorry for your wife.

 

Some things should be left in the past where they belong and the future should be with your wife and kids.

[ElektraHere]

Yea your not exactly helping the sanctity marriage either. Why don't you forget about his girl and give your wife the respect that you promised her when you married her.

 

I totally agree!!! Give up on that and focus on your wife and what you have right now. The past is the past.

[Scout]

Yea your not exactly helping the sanctity marriage either. Why don't you forget about his girl and give your wife the respect that you promised her when you married her.

 

I agree 100% with this statement. In fact, it was really dismaying to read your post, to be honest. I detected no feeling of guilt or misgivings that you were doing the wrong thing towards your wife. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I learned my spouse had decided to write a letter to "test the waters" with a long ago girlfriend.

 

In fact, it's rather odd that you are reaching so far into the past. If I was your old girlfriend, I'd think such a letter was very strange, and possibly, as another poster suggested, desperate.

[coollady1957]

I agree with the other posts. Since you are married, I think you shouldn't have sent any letter to a former girlfriend from the past. That is just where it should remain, in the past, as a fond memory but nothing more. I think your efforts should be concentrating on your marriage.

 

If I were the recipient of such a letter, I think I would be a but concerned and confused about it, and would NOT reply back.

[shes2smart]

If an ex from that long ago tried to contact me, he'd better be dying and contacting people to say goodbye and/or there'd better be a big (and I mean HUGE sum) inhieritance involved.

 

Otherwise my reaction could be described in one word: STALKER.

 

Exes are part of the past and that's where they should stay. I don't like making the same mistake twice, consequently, when I've broken up with someone in the past, that's it. I'm done and I'm gone.

 

Rekindling old flames works for some people. However, the way you're going about it is very disrespectful to both women involved. You disrespect your wife by checking out other options while you're still married to her, and you disrespect your ex by not honoring the fact that she's married (no matter what condition either of your marriages is in).

 

If your marriage isn't working, then either fully commit to fixing it or acknowledge it's not fixable and fully commit to ending it.

 

This "testing out the waters," half-way stuff only prolongs the misery for everyone involved. Yes, there's always a period of time where one has to think about things when making a decision as big as ending a marriage, and there will be a lot of back-and-forth as one considers their options. It's complicated enough as it is...adding a potential new relationship only muddies the waters and makes a difficult situation even more complex.

 

Then again, some people feed off having that level of drama in their life. If you do, I hope for everyone's sake all the people you're dragging into the situation are all into high drama as well.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I have a feeling that..you shouldnt pin any hopes on someone you havnt seen or spoken to for at least 10 years! I mean..she could have changed, so, so much. Is this a kind of Grass Is Greener thing? Are you happy with your own life...because theres easier ways to fix it than to run away/try to run away to someone else.

[annie24]

ralph - welcome to eNotalone.

 

Now, my question to you is, why are you asking us if you have already sent the letter? What's done is done. Who knows - maybe she's unhappy in her marriage also, and maybe you two will both get divorced, marry each other, then live happily ever after.

 

What if you never hear from her? Then what? Will you try contacting her again? or will you try to fix things with your wife? Or will you find another woman to start making the moves on?

 

What are your plans of action depending on whether or not she writes back?

[Relationship Coach]

Good point Annie! I think what you've done is laid the foundation for your current wife's 3rd divorce. I assume you are in your late 40's or early 50's, is this your mid-life crisis. Living in the past longing for what used to be and what might have been. You really need to put things in to perspective here. Now, if you were both single and you wanted to contact her, fine but not as you have done it.

 

RC

[Momene]

I agree with the others that you should leave well alone. Exes are exes for a reason. If she's so great, why did you split?

 

I guess I'd be curious about life, jobs, kids if I heard from an ex but get back? No way, not even if I was single. If there's something missing in your marriage, try to sort it out and move on if you can't. I'm on my second marriage, too, By the way.

 

I wish you courage to do what you need to.

[Hope75]

If I received such a letter from an ex, and I was married- I'd throw it in the trash. Secondly, if I was not married, the moment I read that he was, I'd throw it in the trash. I would think he was a jerk for sending out such a letter in the first place.

 

Men who send a letter like that to a married woman, when they themselves are married, seem pretty desperate and slimey- not exactly my idea of a great potential partner- someone who would jeapordize his marriage and my own and shows so little respect for both his and my partnerships with our respective significant others.

 

What are you thinking writing such a letter to a married woman? What about your wife? Did you not make a promise to love, honor and remain faithful to her?

 

Frankly I think what you did was selfish and disruptive of your ex's life and marriage and of your own.

[eleanorrigby1]

speaking as a female who is incredibly insecure about the fact that she isnt her boyfriend;s first love and the fact that this girl makes me feel like the consolation prize. Your post made me feel a bit sick.

[Laughing Sam]

Judging by the amount of negative reaction I take it you will not be making a second post.

"be careful what you wish for ...... you might just get it"

[Skippy]

ok my previous post was lost in oblivion. Apparently i was harsh. so my post got bye bye.

 

put simply, you are married she is married. the sanctity of marriage is what you make it to be. Obviously you don't give a damn about the sanctity of marriage, but before you walk away you would like to have something or someone to fall too. To me this whole thing is cowardly and manipulative.

 

Pass love can blossom, but it only blossoms when there are no false pretenses, I dont think you my friend fall into that catagory.

Even if there are embers, anyone who is married and thinks about going into a relationship with someone who is married is not worth it. Put simply, if it does happen, you both will be betrayers and liars, trust will not exist.

 

Testing the waters whilst you are still married is betrayal, sending a letter to a married women hoping to stir up a flame so she will leaves her husband & family is manipulative. I think the word "loser" doesn't best describe this whole situation.

 

The people that you will effect are families and not yourself, it's just for selfishness. Think about it. How can anyone respect a man that destroys so much only for himself? and i dont mean only her.

 

Take a serious look at character and ask yourself, will you leave a good/bad relationship for someone that does this.??

 

I am sorry that you are in a situation where are you unhappy, but don't destroy other people possible hapiness just for your own possible happiness. It is selffish and doesnt say much about character.

You are a man, have some self respect and respect for others.

 

 

You asked an opinion you got an opinion.

A friend told me, never ask a question when you don't want to hear the answer.

[charhuck]

How I would feel about a contact from an old ex-boyfriend would depend on several factors - they VERY FIRST AND FOREMOST BEING WHETHER HE WAS MARRIED OR WHETHER I WAS MARRIED when he contacted me. That would just be plain tacky (if either of us were). On the other hand, if he was divorced, or widowed, and he contacted me (and I happen to be divorced for many years now), then I may be flattered possibly, but it all depends on the circumstances surrounding the contact. If he was married, I would be absolutely disgusted, and feel utterly violated, like he must think very low of me to think I would be interested in a relationship with a married man. I have to say, in a world where adultry if rampant, and marriages are broken up every minute of every day by selfish people trying to satisfy their own selfish whims, much like was the hope of this contact, I was really surprised to see so many come to the defense of the sanctity of marriage. I too, though divorced twice, absolutely believe in the sanctity of marriage. I was never remotely unfaithful in any way, shape, or form in either of my marriages, though both of my partners were, and I have been on the receiving end of the violation of adultry and the destruction it causes to so many lives and even generations. Think long and hard about what you're doing, and know that there is a price you will have to pay, a very high price indeed...And for what ... a relationship that didn't work out the first time???......