Should I give him ultimatium about his exes

[Sadie2]

I have been with this guy for 7 months now. We are very insync, the chemistry is great and we both want to move forward towards a real future together. The problem...my guy is friends with most of his exes. There are about 4 or5 exes, and 3 women friends he dated maybe a few times that he was physical with. He's in touch with most of them on a monthy basis. I know him. He's not the cheating type. But it REALLY bothers me. His roomate is also someone he went on 3 dates with 2 years ago. He recently moved to this city (from another city) before we met and started renting a room with her and her other roomates. They kissed when we were first starting to date(3 weeks into the dating)...I broke up with him that night and he went to a party with her the same night and they made out. Well we got back together and continued to date, but it was hard for me to get over the kissing.He has apologized up and down and says they were both drunk and it was stupid. That he has no feeligs for her. That it'll never happen again. But it's really wearing on me that he lives there, yet I don't feel like I have the right to ask him to move.

 

I feel that there are too many women in the picture and don't feel safe moving forward in a really serious way with him unless he at least cuts off contact with all his exes. Then I can at least work with him on his living situation. Do I have the right to give him this ultimatium. He is very caring, emotionally available and connected to me and he's the one that keeps wanting to push this relationship forward. I am the one that keeps stalling and breaking things off because I don't wantto deal with his exes. He comes back each time and says he has cut down on contact but won't break off the friendships for me...we are at gridlock about this. Should I just walk away or work with him on this? Should I give him the ultimatium...exes or me? Please tell me what you think.

 

Sadie

[venus777]

gosh, that's a really hard one. i couldn't possibly tell you what the right thing to do is. you have to go with whats right for you, whats more important to you? i don't think you can give him an ultimatum about that.

[red10]

hey sadie - welcome to ENA!

 

I think it's tough the situation you are in. It's always harder when you are actually in the spot rather than the one to be on the outside...you seem like you know what you need to do (leading to the ultimatum) HOWEVER, based on personal experience, I think an ultimatum is hard for both parties, even if it's for a good purpose - in your case, you need to know what this guy really wants for your own sake, thereforeeee you need to give some sort of ultimatum!

 

Have you two really sat down and talked about this? does he really know how much this bothers you? Communication is key to a relationship - but if you have done that, and he still continues this behaviour, then I think you should just call it quits...as easy as it sounds - I know!

 

Maybe he really just needs to see what it's like for you to not be there for a little while? it's hard, but this is for you, you certainly do not want to be in this if you're not going to get what you want out of it....do you know what you want?

 

I don't know if I helped at all, but just a little input for you...hopefully others can help too

[RayKay]

Honestly, that is not an ultimatum that I would ever advise giving or do myself for the reason that unless the person consciously makes the decision to cut contact themselves, they may resent you for it honestly.

 

 

NEVER give an ultimatum you are not prepared to follow through on. And if he has that ultimatum, are you prepared to follow HIS future demands on whom you are friends with.

 

As your relationshp develops you may find he does not really even see those ex's as much either. My partner and I both have's ex's as friends, but we have very limited contact by choice and they are never above each other in any way, and we are honest and open with one another about them. However they were big parts of our lives, and there is still come contact there. Perhaps talking to one another and letting one another know your feelings, and "boundaries" is a good idea too, to see if this is something you can work together through and compromise on.

 

Everyone has different opinions on having friends of the opposite sex, and even with ex's - I think in any case sometimes when people with very different ideas on this tend to find some conflict...where as you should either compromise, or walk. I would advise unless he voluntarily CHOOSES to give up his ex's, and unless you CAN live with him being in contact with them, you move on....I can't say this breaking it on and off is great for either of you.

 

I can't say if he is trustworthy or not, you know him better then I...but I will say whether someone is friends with ex's or NOT, does not change their "likelihood" of cheating..someone whom wants to will cheat, someone whom won't won't....so is this a trust issue, or is it a whom he is friends with issue?

[DN]

I agree with RayKay - make sure that this really is a deal breaker for you and that you don't regret your decision. If he refuses to break off friendships it may be more about refusing to be dictated to and controlled than not attending to your insecurities.

[krissbrown]

Any guy that is friends with his ex's and past dates is a total player. Please do not believe "we are just friends".

 

Its a lie, if hes not doing them, they prob want to do him and most probably he will cheat on you..

 

Good luck

[evy38]

gosh, that's a really hard one.

No, it's not hard at all, you are either a woman willing to share a man or you are a women who is NEVER willing to share a man. Answer that question and you will know the solution to your problem.

[mystik]

Any guy that is friends with his ex's and past dates is a total player. Please do not believe "we are just friends".

 

Its a lie, if hes not doing them, they prob want to do him and most probably he will cheat on you..

 

Good luck

 

Sometimes guys can still be friends with their ex's. I'm friends with two of my ex's and they aren't players at all. They don't want to 'do' me nor do I want to 'do' them. Granted it has been a few years since both those relationships ended but it is possible to just be friends.

 

However, in this case, I personally wouldn't trust him at all. For one, he already cheated by kissing her already while you were still together and you guys broke up over it. THEN he goes and makes out with her that same night. Secondly, he still lives there.

 

I believe people of opposite sexes can live together, I could trust a boyfriend doing that, yes. But I would NOT be able to if he had already cheated on me once with her and there is obviously attraction between them. Even if he doesn't like her anymore now, I highly doubt that she has suddenly stopped liking him too. She's just waiting for you guys to break up is what I think. It takes two to tango and she obviously played a role in breaking you guys up the first time and instantly being there for him when you did.

 

I don't know what you should do either, but I agree with all the other posters, decide if you can live with it or not. Then stick with your decision without any regrets.

[Blue Skittles]

Well, the important thing is here, is that you cannot deal with it, one way or another. Whether he cheats or not, it is leaving you with bad feelings. Do you always want to be having those feelings with him having all his exes around? Always feeling suspicious or jealous or whatever? No.

So I think that yes, if its making you feel this bad, you should definitely discuss it with him. Cuz otherwise you end up in a serious relationship that you are just not happy with. And why put yourself through the pain.

[Sadie2]

Thanks for your input everyone...what a great site I found! Feels like I just made a whole new group of friends overnight. Well just to clear a few things up. He's never cheated on me. He kissed his roomate, in the beginning of our relationship AFTER I broke up with him...but I still think that's a big deal. Yes this is a deal breaker for me and he knows it by now because I presented the ulitmatium to him last night. I said I would rather be alone and happy than withsome who has cnotact with exes which in turn makes me feel miserable all the time even when I am with him. He said he'd go and see a counselor today to talk this through and wants to talk to his dad!! Wants to get advice on if it's the right thing to do...to cut off contact like that. I will keep you guys posted.

[DN]

I would be careful that you do not approach this as a right or wrong situation especially 'I am right and he is wrong'. He has never cheated on you and you still seem to blame him for kissing his ex when you were broken up - when really it was none of your concern who he kissed.

 

If you are confident he would not cheat - why are you concerned about his exes?

 

When my sister was married her husband was friendly with his ex-wife, although it is true that was also because they had children together. My sister became friendly with her as well - to such an extent that she was invited to their wedding and showed up with her boyfriend.

 

The fact was my sister trusted him - and her trust was justified since they have now been married for twenty years.

[evy38]

I would be careful that you do not approach this as a right or wrong situation especially 'I am right and he is wrong'. He has never cheated on you and you still seem to blame him for kissing his ex when you were broken up - when really it was none of your concern who he kissed.

 

If you are confident he would not cheat - why are you concerned about his exes?

 

When my sister was married her husband was friendly with his ex-wife, although it is true that was also because they had children together. My sister became friendly with her as well - to such an extent that she was invited to their wedding and showed up with her boyfriend.

 

The fact was my sister trusted him - and her trust was justified since they have now been married for twenty years.

I agree, DN, that the situtation you described was necessary and rather harmless, but a man who keeps in touch with MOST of his EXs and "gets involved" or has "one-nighters"with them between long terms? I'm not sure how anyone would see that as normal or acceptable behavior. It seems a little like shuffling women so you always have a spare to sleep with. What woman would want to risk her heart to a man who behaves that way, and worse can't or won't see it? Just a woman's point of view.

[DN]

So whatever he does he can't win? You don't want him to call his exes because it makes you uncomfortable. So he doesn't even though it makes him feel bad and now are mad with him about that as well.

 

You don't just want him to do what you want, you want him not to feel bad about ignoring his exes. How can he change how he feels? As far as he is concerned they are not romantic interests but friend who you are pressuring him to give up. And don't be disingenuous - you are making him choose.

 

I think you should perhaps break up with him and find someone who is always on exactly the same page as you in everything so that you never have a conflict that you have to negotiate about. If such a person exists.

[RayKay]

I have to admit, I agree with DN here....it sounds like he can't win either way. Of course he is not going to feel awesome about cutting friends out of his life. And he has every right to feel that way.

 

And yes, you have basically made him choose....saying you would rather be alone and miserable then be with someone (whom may be great in every other way) whom talks to his ex's....was making him choose.

[Sadie2]

I was thinking the same thing DN and Raykay. That he's struggeling too and doesn't know the right way to handle the situation either.. and that i can't expect him to be perfect around all this....so I wrote him this email this morning.

 

_____________________________________________________

 

Hey There,

 

I think I may have been a bit too harsh on my last email. I just felt like you were blaming me in an indirect way and I had no idea it was her b-day. I think you have every right to feel bad about not calling. I am not trying to take that away from you at all. Maybe in the future though if we were to move forward together, we could work on how you could have those feelings but maybe express them in a way that just lets me know what's on your mind and that you own your decisions. Not leave me feeling like it's my fault or that you are angry with me. Take as much time as you need, and I'll wait to hear back from you.

[evy38]

I guess you just need to decide if you can live with a man who can't give up his old girlfriends.

[DN]

I guess you just need to decide if you can live with a man who can't give up his old girlfriends.

 

I would agree with this if he couldn't give up sleeping with them or having the sort of emotional relationship with them that he should be having with his current girlfriend. But let's not assume that everyone who stays friends with an ex is lusting after them or wanting some sort of romantic relationship.

 

Some people can maintain friendships after a romantic relationship has ended - how many times do you see on these forums people saying they want exactly that. I agree it happens rarely but it can and does happen. I think it is a mistake to assume all people act and react in the same manner under similar circumstances.

 

Sadie - I think you may be on the right track in asking him to express his feelings so it does not appear he is blaming you. But be careful how you do it - there is nothing more annoying for a man to believe women when they complain that their partner never expresses his feelings and then gets hurt and offended when he does. Remember that it is not just about how he expresses his feeling but also how you choose to react when he does. You are an active participant in this equation and are equally responsible for the outcome.

 

Also remember that this whole issue is really your issue - he is taking it on board and trying to accommodate you despite not really agreeing with you. He should get a lot of credit for that. It is easy to give way to a partner when you really know that you are in the wrong - but much more difficult to give way to please your partner when you still think you are in the right.

[evy38]

One women, two perhaps. Multiple ex partners? Mark my words, there are deeper issues here. How old is he and has he ever been married?

[DN]

One women, two perhaps. Multiple ex partners? Mark my words, there are deeper issues here. How old is he and has he ever been married?

Your opinion is as valid as anyone else's of course. But I would be careful about trying to drive a wedge between a poster and their partner based on a general feeling with no evidence. Remember that people's happiness is at stake here and suspicion of a third party's motivation is not proof.

 

Surely you are not suggesting that this man is somehow cheating or intending to cheat with all his ex-partners? Or that all or any of them would be complicit in such a deception?

 

It is possible that he is not being straight with Sadie but let's not assume that quite so definitively based on nothing more than conjecture. I hope that Sadie would be very careful about breaking off with him based on that.

[Sadie2]

This is going to be long:

 

To answer your questing Evy38 he is 37 and has never been married. He has never lived with anyone either. I am 30 and just got over a divorce 2 years ago. In the last 5 years his relationships have been maybe 4-6 months at the longest so a lot of short but many relationships. He says he thinks he may have been in love twice in his life(one with his first love at age 16)The second one he wasn't sure if he loved. His last 5 exes(within 5 years) were all around their mid 20's, say for one who was in her late 20's. But I don't know if that's his specific issue or if it's because he was in grad school finishing up his PhD....to be a professor. So that's some more info on him. Now here is some updates.

 

So I went over to his place to figure out where we should take our relationship. Remember last Friday I had said I wanted to break it off because I couldn't handle it anymore. He requested some time to make a decsion. Well yesterday he said he still needed more time. That he just hadn't had time to think about the issue and what he wanted to do. Keep in mind this has been affecting my health and mental well being and he knows it. I told him I was ready to move forward either way. After a lot of talking he says he doesn't want to give those friendships up. But that he loves me(that was the first time he's ever said the ILU phrase. I told him I'd try to compromise. He said he'd be willing to to let me know of exchanges between he and his exes that transpired. I said ok and asked how often could I expect he'd be in contact with them. He said a diff ex ...weekly..so maybe once a week. I just stomaced it...even though I thought that was alot. And said I'd be willing to do that but if we ever moved in together or married that keeping up with them wouldn't be acceptable to me. He said he wouldn't agree to that. I just started sobbing...I mean it was hard enough for me to compromise to the keeping up with 4-6 exes....but I felt I had the right to expect some kind of compromise back. He just said no...that he wouldn't do that if we were to get that serious. That if an ex wanted to get in touch or call once in a while that should be ok even if we live together or got married. He knows and has known that was never ok for me.

 

Now keep in mind he has known for the last 8 months how much this has bothered me, and in the last week really tore me up because I was willing to walk away. And just so this factors into the pic...I had a pretty tough past(when I was younger) with some issues that directly affect how vulnerable I feel with him keeping in touch with his exes. That me asking for some structre and a compromise was to lessen my anxiety not control him. And the past stuff was bad, I mean hardcore stuff. And he knows everything about it...I told him 1 month ago. But I feel devistated that knowing all this, seeing how it's affected me that he can still say "I love you, I want you I just don't want to give up these exes. I want you and them in my life".

 

I just got really numb and looked him straight in the eye and said "I have given all that I can to this...I compromised as much as I could even though I felt sick in my body saying I would...you just have too big of an ego for me. "And told him that for me this was a real break up, told him to not contact me for a while. That he made his choice and good luck with the exes.

 

People tell me the truth ....is there selfishness and ego in how he reacted to me or am I the selfish one? Either way, it feels like relief knowing I won't have to wake up with sick feeling in my stomach about which ex he's going to talk to today. But he said I love you to me for the first time yesterday and I am devistated it went the way it did. A part of me feels he said to be manipulative...and then I feel maybe he meant it. I am just so hurt and upset I wish I had looked at his exes situation in the beginning and avoided dating him.

[DN]

Why do you want him to cut off contact with his exes. Do you think he would cheat on you with one or more of them? Because that is really the most basic question you need to answer.

[evy38]

Sadie,

I think I'm with you on this. The occasional contact with an ex is one thing, but WEEKLY contact with them is another and it would bother me as much as it has you. Also the fact that he is still rooming with one of them. I think if a man's feelings, run deep enough for one woman, he wouldn't want to initiate regular contact with multiple other women, especially if he knows how deeply it worries you. He is even unwilling to compromise, on the issue , just a little. That is the behavior of a man who feels he is free, unfettered, uncommitted. I really think that is the problem you are having. You are looking to move this relationship into the committed, perhaps leading to marriage, stage? And his actions are not leading you to believe he is ready to committ to one woman, not because he is friends with other women, but because he has nurtured old romantic relationships, and there is an emotional component to these relationships. I think your feelings are valid and you have every right to feel them. You know this bothers you and you know you do not want to share your man, emotionally.

My intent here is certainly not to drive a wedge between you and your man, but I would also hate to see you drop valid personal values to stay in a relationship that is already causing you so much pain. That would be the first step to becoming a doormat. It is possible for two good people, who love each other, to just be wrong for each other. If the two don't share the same values it makes a long term relationship hard to impossible. Personal values are the one thing two people can not compromise on. If this is a moral issue for him, it is unlikely that he will change his stance. If it is not, then he may be willing to reevaluate these relationships and alter them to a more approprate level of communication for a mutually exclusive male. You know you cannot take the situtation as it is now, so if he is willing to make changes, how much would be too much contact for you? Also, are you willing to continue a relationship with him, if he is constantly reminding you of all the women he had to give up to be with you? You know, it's ok to have deal breakers. Everyone does, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's called having principles you stand by.

[evy38]

But let's not assume that everyone who stays friends with an ex is lusting after them or wanting some sort of romantic relationship.

 

At what point do all these relationships become emotional cheating? Or perhaps you don't believe in emotional cheating. I do, it destroys marriages all the time, especially with the internet being so easily accessed.

 

Some people can maintain friendships after a romantic relationship has ended - how many times do you see on these forums people saying they want exactly that. I agree it happens rarely but it can and does happen. I think it is a mistake to assume all people act and react in the same manner under similar circumstances.

 

The successful ones occur because both people are in working relationships. If either party is alone or in an unsuccessful relationship, there is almost always trouble.

 

Sadie - I think you may be on the right track in asking him to express his feelings so it does not appear he is blaming you. But be careful how you do it - there is nothing more annoying for a man to believe women when they complain that their partner never expresses his feelings and then gets hurt and offended when he does. Remember that it is not just about how he expresses his feeling but also how you choose to react when he does. You are an active participant in this equation and are equally responsible for the outcome.

His feeling are important, but no more then hers. If this is a partnership, then they must both add to it equally.

Also remember that this whole issue is really your issue - he is taking it on board and trying to accommodate you despite not really agreeing with you. He should get a lot of credit for that. It is easy to give way to a partner when you really know that you are in the wrong - but much more difficult to give way to please your partner when you still think you are in the right.

Actually he is unwilling to compormise, at all.

[evy38]

Your opinion is as valid as anyone else's of course. But I would be careful about trying to drive a wedge between a poster and their partner based on a general feeling with no evidence. Remember that people's happiness is at stake here and suspicion of a third party's motivation is not proof.

You are right, my opinion is very valid. It is a valid woman's opinion so will be different then a man's. As for a wedge, it's already there, in the form of multiple old girlfriends. That is why Sadie is here, to figure out what to do about that wedge.

Surely you are not suggesting that this man is somehow cheating or intending to cheat with all his ex-partners? Or that all or any of them would be complicit in such a deception?

I am suggesting that you alter your view of what cheating is. I have seen email/internet destroy marriages. It is a accessable, convenient way to cheat emotionally on your SO, and if continued will often lead to meeting and finally cheating.

It is possible that he is not being straight with Sadie but let's not assume that quite so definitively based on nothing more than conjecture. I hope that Sadie would be very careful about breaking off with him based on that.

Maybe he is being straight with her, but it doesn't change how Sadie FEELS about these other women. It is her feeling that lead her here and her feeling I'm concerned with. To blame her because she shouldn't feel them is to not understand them.

[DN]

Are you suggesting that any female friend he has means he is emotionally cheating?

 

I did not suggest anyone's feelings are more important than the others.

 

He is willing to compromise by cutting down contact with his exes - tin an attempt to make her more comfortable.. She is only willing to postpone her demand he give them up entirely.