Sex in my marriage is hopless. Should I issue a wakeup call?

[annie24]

Hi - how's it going Cranston?

 

link removed

 

I found this link on msnbc by Dr. Gail Staltz. It's about a man in a similar marital situation as you.

 

I hope you guys work things out.

[bodgerandbadger]

Hey

 

With all these sorts of issues, with things like " you don't do enough around the house", or "you aren't supportive enough of my feelings" or any cr*p like that, they are always reasons 2,3,4,5,6... etc.

 

If your wife was totally and utterly smitten with you, while she would come back tired, she would have spent all day waiting and looking forward to coming home with you. She would come home, collapse, but nonetheless be affectionate to you and allow you to seduce her.

 

The bottome line in all these situations where the sex dries up is that the girl simply doesn't love you as much. Hard and painful to accept but true. I bet when you first got together she was totally in love with you and the sex was great.

 

Somehow over the years you have simply turned her off.

 

Good news is that there is a 50 50 chance you get make her fall in love with you again.

 

First of all, not only stop asking for sex only to get turned down, stop touching her at all. Withdraw every bit of physical affection for her.

 

Secondly, treat her as a stranger for most of the time, and then ask her out once a week for a saturday night and date her. On the date keep it light and funny and don't touch her still.

 

A combination of this will hopefully make her firstly miss the affection, and secondly remind her of what a fun charming guy, and allow her to start having feelings for you again. When she is ready to sleep with you you will be fighting her off!

[OceanEyes]

Good news is that there is a 50 50 chance you get make her fall in love with you again.

 

It doesn't really sound like he cares at this point. I don't either. I find it impossible to empathize and provide objective feedback with responses like this:

 

This weekend, I'm going to ask another woman on a date. I do have a co-worker who will likely go with me, I just have that feeling. And I'm telling the wife that I'm going "out". That's it. I'll get dressed up nice and I'll go have a great time for once. I'll get back at 4 AM - and sure she'll be very angry maybe. But she'll also feel very insecure. She'll wonder where I've been and what the hell I'm up to. And for the rest of the week I'll be happy, I won't even think about suggesting sex or affection between. I'll do this a few times. Not only will this eliminate the boredom, but I'll liberate myself a little from the stifling BS that our relationship is mired in.

 

I'm sorry, but this seems like a response that a teenager would give. Like, "if you don't give me this I'm going to do THIS".

 

I can understand that you're legitimately unhappy. You have that right. But why not just leave your marriage instead of sneaking around? I don't see the point in trying to carry on affairs - and intentionally hurting and betraying your wife.

 

Be a man and just leave the marriage.

[Beyondthesea]

Agreed. All he really wanted is us to say "There's no hope, leave her!" Unfortunately the marriage could be saved, but it becomes sort of obvious that there are deeper problems than he had let on or he wouldn't consider dating someone else on the side.

[annie24]

Ok, here's another perspective: The following is a letter written in to Dan Savage of the column "Savage Love." It's a similar situation, and he tells her to keep having the affair:

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

That last one threw me a little bit. That seems quite bizarre, if you arnt being affectionate with your spouse to the extent that you have to get it elsewhere, just how is that marriage worth saving? At least...worth saving by having an affair? Cant be right, because you are depriving yourself of a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship has companionship and sex/affection. Fair enough, the woman in that letter isd getting both...and so is her lover..but not with the same person!

[novaseeker]

Yeah to be honest that is crackpot advice from Dan Savage.

 

It's actually not complicated at all, despite how complicated we like to make it. It's very, very simple. If you can't be faithful to your marriage partner, and your marriage partner is not satisfactory for whatever reason, either fix the marriage, or if you can't/don't want to, then end the marriage. Trying to bandage over the problems in a marriage by having an extramarital affair as an "outlet" is counterproductive and ultimately self-defeating, and to be honest it just hands your spouse a big legal weapon that they can use against you in many states (ie, if a state does not have no-fault divorce, and you are committing adultery, that can significantly impact your financial settlement if/when you DO get divorced, which is likely inevitable in the face of a long-term extramarital affair).

 

All of this is just another symptom of the seemingly everpresent yet misguided idea that we can have it all: we can have the trappings of marriage and social/tax/financial benefits its accords together with another affair that features the kind of carefree passion that you get in a relationship that isn't subject to any of the pressures of a real committed relationship. And then we pat ourselves on the back and tell ourselves that this is a good thing. Sheesh!

[annie24]

It's another viewpoint that I think should be addressed. Maybe the wife wants to stay married to him, and he wants to stay married to her, and she doesn't mind "looking the other way" when it comes to women he's seeing.

 

This is never the kind of relationship I would get myself into, and it's not what I want for myself, but I'm just saying.... maybe his wife doesn't mind if he has an affair

[novaseeker]

Well if it's an open marriage then that's fine I suppose. If the partners consent to extramarital intimate relationships, then they aren't "affairs", really, it's just a part of what's been agreed between the couple.

[Luciana]

I'm in a similar but reverse situation. My husband does not give me OS, no matter how clean I am, no matter how much energy he has. It is VERY frustrating. I often have fantasies of getting it elsewhere, but I prefer not to cheat (he made me sign a prenup that if I cheat I walk with nothing in our marriage). I am an attractive woman, and many men would like to do it with me, or to me

I am at my wits end. I already tried everything. Talking, complimenting the two times he ever did it, saying how much I love it, etc. Nothing. He is too selfish. I love to give it to him and would hate not to just for revenge, since our sex life would be even more boring.

Just venting, I have tried everything. I don't want to leave him because of that.

[Scout]

I hate to say this Luciana, since you're in a more permanent relationship, but I gotta confirm that the one or two people I've encountered who refused to do OS (and it took me a minute to figure out what that was the acronym for, lol) were incredibly selfish in numerous other areas in the relationships.

[RandomAdvisor]

Luciana, I thought you broke up with your fiance last year after he slapped that ridiculous prenup on you?

[RayKay]

I'm in a similar but reverse situation. My husband does not give me OS, no matter how clean I am, no matter how much energy he has. It is VERY frustrating. I often have fantasies of getting it elsewhere, but I prefer not to cheat (he made me sign a prenup that if I cheat I walk with nothing in our marriage). I am an attractive woman, and many men would like to do it with me, or to me

I am at my wits end. I already tried everything. Talking, complimenting the two times he ever did it, saying how much I love it, etc. Nothing. He is too selfish. I love to give it to him and would hate not to just for revenge, since our sex life would be even more boring.

Just venting, I have tried everything. I don't want to leave him because of that.

 

Well, to be fair Luciana, this was something that was occurring BEFORE the marriage too, right, so not a surprise at this point? I think you already know your hubby tends to be rather selfish in a few regards, and this is one of them. And, I don't think in that sense he will ever change honestly.

 

I am not sure what I can advise you in that regard - you can't force him to change that aspect since he seems pretty unconcerned about it and resistent to it.

 

he made me sign a prenup that if I cheat I walk with nothing in our marriage

 

I do hope that is not the only reason you don't cheat!

[Luciana]

We ended up getting married and I signed the damn prenup like he wanted. He wouldn't marry without it and I thought what the hell.

Yes, not giving OS is another sign of selfishness, of course. It's a refusal to give, to be generous. It has always been a sore point. I wonder if there are others here who live without it-and how they cope.

[Scout]

I just did a quick bit of research, and one article suggested getting your partner to agree to see a sex therapist. Hmmm...any chance your hubby would agree to that, Luciana? Based on what you've said about him, probably not. But that was one of the suggestions I just read.

[novaseeker]

This sounds like it could be a compatibility issue. Not everyone enjoys giving OS, as strange as that may seem.

[Cranston]

Ok - I've been away for awhile and I thought I'd give you all an update. By the way, you took my post about seeing another woman waay to literally. It was just a sarcastic retort to the guy who said I needed to pose more of a challenge to the wifey .. But anyways.

 

After my last post I let things fester for awhile, we've had sex maybe 3 times since last I spoke to you all. There was a lull because I suddenly got ED, I think because of the emotional issues I was experiencing with her. Plus she gets angry and disgusted when I can't perform - which does little to alleviate the pressure. I could masturbate and get plenty hard, I just couldn't do it with her for a while. Then, for some miraculous reason after that.. I was ok and could perform again.

 

In any case, I suddenly decided I can no longer live like this anymore and decided to divorce her in the very near future. Since that decision, I've taken steps to distance myself emotionally from her. I don't initiate any affection to her, I don't initiate sex, I don't put up with any of her tantrums, and I do more of what I please as opposed to what she'd like.

 

Oddly enough, this has resulted in her wanting to show me affection and wanting a little more sex (not much). She also is careful to be more considerate. But alas - it's all too late. I despise her now not only for what she is now but for everything she has put me through up until now. I've been able to be much more objective about this marriage only to relive some behaviors and attitutes that I saw then as no big deal and now seem so appalling. For example:

 

1) When my father, with whom I was very close, died - she went ahead and took herself and the kids on vacation while I stayed back and dealt with the morgue and the burial details. As I drove her to the airport, she was mad about something (I forget now about what) and gave me the silent treatment until I dropped them off.

 

2) I took her out to a theater play and a great restaurant one night - it was great except for the way back when she spent the entire ride angrily berating me for not taking her on an expensive vacation like her friend's husband did to his wife ..

 

3) The dread I feel 99% of the time I get home from work knowing she's going to be pissed off by some issue I can't predict. She then get all "tired" and heads off to bed. I hate her for making spend all these years going through this.

 

4) She was a flight attendant for many of the years of the kids' toddlerhood, gone for 1/3 of the time. I was the father and the mother for that time and did so very well while I made a well above average income for us. The a few months ago my daughter tells me that she told them I was irresponsible. She can now go f*ck herself and see how she likes not having such an irresponsible hubby around.

 

I'm more determined than ever to leave her and as I line up my ducks, as we say, I'll pull that plug. I'm only sorry I didn't come to this realization earlier.

[RayKay]

Hey Cranston,

 

Wow, this is quite the "realization" you have had.

 

From what you say though, it sounds like you have thought it through. It's going to be a tough road, but it sounds like there is more to it than sex alone (lack of sex is often a symptom, rather than cause) and that you have several reasons for your conclusions. It sounds like there are high levels of resentment, tension and so forth.

 

So, in that regard, I wish you luck, and lots of support through it all. I have a couple friends & family members whom have gone through it, and while painful, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Rachel.

[Cranston]

Thank you, RayKay. It's no so much that there was more to it than the sex and affection .. it really was the crux of the problem. I could have put up with her moods and her issues if there was also the sex and affection. I happen to be too tolerant of this kind of behavior. In fact, if we were also lovers, divorce would never have been on my mind. But the unpleasantness without any of the good stuff to counterblance it makes the relationship tip towards being especially undesireable. I see the benefit for her - but I don't see the reason for me to stay any longer.

[hardcharger]

i'm all for you Cranston! It can be alot better than what you have to live with.

[annie24]

Hi Cranston - That sounds like it was a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like the right one. definitely, like raykay said, sounds like the sex wasn't the only problem. I know I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who was nagging me and mad at me all the time.

 

good luck - we will be here for you!

[Cranston]

i'm all for you Cranston! It can be alot better than what you have to live with.

 

Thank you. Thank you very much. It's nice to know someone understands. You've been right on in all your posts in this thread ..

[Cranston]

Hi Cranston - That sounds like it was a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like the right one. definitely, like raykay said, sounds like the sex wasn't the only problem. I know I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who was nagging me and mad at me all the time.

 

good luck - we will be here for you!

 

I don't want anyone getting the impression that sex and intimacy were NOT the only problem. Ultimately it was the ONLY problem. I'm saying that without sex and intimacy there is very little reason to want to put up with all the idiosyncracies and faults we all seem to possess.

 

If she could have brought herself to treat me like a lover and a husband - I wouldn't even be considering this divorce even with her faults. I would have stuck with her til the very end. But if you're not going to have sex with your husband, ladies .. you'd better be damn nice to him.

[Scout]

Cranston, perhaps this divorce is the best thing all around for everyone. We don't know why your wife is so angry much of the time, so I am not going to assign any "blame" either way. But clearly, your marriage is not a healthy one.

 

I do hope you'll still consider counseling for yourself. There is a great deal of bitterness, distrust, and anger that I sense you're grappling with, and honestly, if you want a relationship in the future that has the intimacy and affection you need, these are issues I personally feel you should work through.

 

Sex is not a bargaining tool. Despite what you feel, it's not ok to harangue someone day and night, as long as you are frequently providing them with sex.

 

Best of luck - I truly mean that.

[Cranston]

Cranston, perhaps this divorce is the best thing all around for everyone. We don't know why your wife is so angry much of the time, so I am not going to assign any "blame" either way. But clearly, your marriage is not a healthy one.

 

I do hope you'll still consider counseling for yourself. There is a great deal of bitterness, distrust, and anger that I sense you're grappling with, and honestly, if you want a relationship in the future that has the intimacy and affection you need, these are issues I personally feel you should work through.

 

Sex is not a bargaining tool. Despite what you feel, it's not ok to harangue someone day and night, as long as you are frequently providing them with sex.

 

Best of luck - I truly mean that.

 

Thanks. And I never intended for sex to be part of any bargain. That in itself is a marriage-killer.

 

I look at it more this way: You live in a great neighborhood - the school is a block away and it's got top-notch teachers. The city and the beach are both within 15 minutes drive. Ok so maybe you can hear some traffic noise and the house is a 3 bedroom instead of a 4 bedroom, but the good outweighs tha bad.

 

Now let's say the school now becomes overcrowded and standards drop. Also the traffic is so bad that it takes 2 hours to get to the beach. Now there is no reason to stay anymore. There is nothing left to outweigh the good. So you leave.

 

It's the same thing. There were bad things in the relationship always. I saw the red flags in the beginning, but there was alot of good also. She was passionate and loving. She was cheerful and we did many fun things together. So the good of all that outweighed the temper issues. But now that the good has disappeared and the bad had gotten worse .. there's nothing to salvage.

 

That's all I'm saying ..